Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Sydney (91) v Carlton (61)

Another Friday night cracker that in no way explains why ratings are down this year.

Carlton hung around, like the bad smell they are, but you never felt they were going to win this.

So confident were the Swans that early in the game, with the Blues leading by 7, they started to play the Swans anthem. Now that’s confidence.

It turns out blaming Carlton for poor Friday Night Footy ratings upsets Blues fans, so at least something positive has come out of this. Keep it up everyone, it’s been a real team effort.

It shouldn’t go unsaid that a big reason why people aren’t watching full games is the Friday Night Commentary team on Seven.

This week they probably delivered a personal best in providing some of the inanest waffle to ever grace a sport broadcast.

I just wish we all found the Channel Seven commentary team as amusing as they find each other.

Whether it’s the Happy Days references, the complimenting each other or the getting players’ names wrong, the result is a form of audio torture not usually heard outside of Guantanamo Bay.

Once it became obvious the Swans were pulling away, it was an easy decision for most to switch off because any moment you don’t have to spend with the Friday Night Footy Crew is a good one.

Western Bulldogs (51) v Melbourne (100)

I thought things were going a bit too well for the Demons, so naturally Jake Lever has torn his ACL, meaning he’ll miss the rest of the year.

Despite this rather devastating blow, the Demons overcame a sluggish first half to run all over the Dogs, helped no end by the Bulldogs being seemingly allergic to scoring in the second half.

Dogs fans would be seriously considering leaving after halftime these days, I mean why stay if your team doesn’t?

Losing Lever in this game didn’t really matter, given the Bulldogs forward line works about as effectively as democracy does at the moment.

What was pleasing for Melbourne is they didn’t play particularly well and still managed to win by 49 points. Demons fans looked in shock at this and at finding themselves at Etihad Stadium.

I went to buy some hot chips at one point and stood there for several minutes bewildered by the array of salt options.

What further confused me was I was unable to find normal salt. This is what’s wrong with this world.

Sure, have options, but flavoured salts stand on the shoulders of classic salt, never forget where you came from.

Hawthorn (64) v Port Adelaide (61)

Port could have gone a long way to killing off Hawthorn’s chances of finals here, but instead they let the entire world down.

Power fans will point to the rather interesting umpiring decisions, but they were hardly alone in this round and they made their own mistakes too.

Obviously, the umpires had one competition to see who could give away the most bewildering decisions this round and another for the most 50 metre penalties.

Ken Hinkley summed up the game best, "It was an ugly game, I thought. A really ugly game."

He wasn’t wrong, in fact, ‘A Really Ugly Game’ could be the AFL’s marketing slogan this year.

Port started off well enough but then Alastair Clarkson started making those annoying little adjustments he does, and it became a slog.

The Hawks slowly wore the Power down and had a few chances to get away late in the fourth but missed shots, not for the first time with Hawthorn.

Luckily for them, Port’s scoring had slowed to the point they managed to hold them off.

It was a match with important outcomes, the Hawks stay in touch of the eight, and the umpires involved can never enter South Australia again.

Gold Coast (36) v Geelong (121)

Gary Ablett and the Suns both returned to Metricon Stadium after some time away, this time opposing each other. So perhaps not much has changed.

The Suns certainly showed the fans what they’ve been missing in recent times, nothing.

The Gold Coast kicked two goals in the first seven minutes and then decided that would pretty much do it, kicking only two more for the rest of the game.

We can certainly stop speculating about whether Tom Lynch will stay, he appears to have already gone.

The Cats were impressive, but you’d expect them to be in what appeared to be a skills session with some AusKickers.

It was a nice touch to see some of Geelong’s players take time out during the game to teach some of the Suns basic skills and explain tackling to them.

Ablett himself finished with 37 disposals and three goals, taking out all his frustrations on those who gave him insane amounts of money.

Stuart Dew said afterwards "It's a disappointing night for the club." I’m not sure why he singled out this night from the rest of its existence.

Essendon (43) v Richmond (114)

Dreamtime at the G. A wonderful night of celebrating Indigenous culture and Essendon wilting under enormous pressure.

The Tigers returned to their very best, possibly for the first time this season, in a display that shattered the feel-good story of the season that was Mark Neeld’s sacking.

There wasn’t too much to be concerned about for Tigers fans, except of course Alex Rance’s staging performance, an act that will see him fined and nominated for the Gold Logie.

It’s not a bad thing, at least I’ll know who one of the Gold Logie nominees is.

the incident occurred in a marking contest, where Shaun McKernan lightly touched Rance, and Rance flew through the air like a comet about to leave for the outer reaches of the solar system.

It was actually impressive to see how far he dove. What an amazing athlete.

Essendon’s night got off to a bad start when David Zaharakis was gang tackled and broke his collar bone. It was to be a moment that perfectly captured the rest of the contest.

The Bombers worked hard but it was when they had the ball they struggled. Under the relentless effort of the Tigers, they simply made too many mistakes.

A nervous week for their assistant coaches.

West Coast (101) v St Kilda (88)

A few scares in this one for the Eagles, with Jack Darling suffering a worrying ankle injury and St Kilda doing a fair impression of an AFL side.

On the positive side for the Eagles, this was their tenth win in a row, and they did it while resting everyone in the fourth quarter.

Losing Darling for any sizable period will be a big concern. This is when people start to realise it is a long season and both Melbourne and West Coast are now going to potentially face the rest of the year with holes in their line ups.

It’s why we don’t award the Premiership Cup in May, as some people seemed to forget recently.

Saints fans would be confused after this display.

They were 48 points down at three-quarter time, only to then lose by only 13 points. The Saints had worked hard all game, but suddenly everything clicked, where has this been all season?

Tim Membrey, who has recently kicked for goal like someone was holding a gun to his head, suddenly returned to normal, booting six straight, including three in the last quarter.

Perhaps the Saints have started to remember how to play footy again?

North Melbourne (141) v Brisbane (87)

North’s season of reverse-tanking continues, with a huge win over the Lions.

Usually, this sort of brutality is confined to the stands at Etihad Stadium, but it spilled onto the field with North booting five goals to none in the first quarter.

Considering Jarrad Waite was an out before the game started, booting 141 points reflects how good the Roos were.

Brisbane to be fair, had a horror day on the injury front, with Allen Christensen getting concussed, Charlie Cameron doing his right ankle and Hugh McCluggage injuring his right calf.

Given the injuries and the fact North were red hot early on, this wasn’t the worst performance ever by the Lions; they at least kept fighting in the second half.

It’s another bad weekend for Queensland football.

Perhaps the AFL should keep their focus there a bit longer before we all move on to focus on conquering India, which I’m sure will be easy given how well the expansion teams have gone in capturing hearts and minds.

Collingwood (138) v Fremantle (77)

The Dockers played a team so young it made you feel old just looking at them.

Despite this, they still played like a Ross Lyon team, terrible to watch and treating scoring like it was an optional part of the game.

I’m amazed at how much the Dockers fans are putting up with this stuff. Perhaps it’s just hard to hear the sobbing from this far away.

Collingwood were all over them from early on and would have been thrilled with the day, except for letting Freo boot seven goals in the last quarter.

Not a great end to a game where the Dockers had been limited to five goals for the proceeding three quarters.

The result, however, sets up the rarest of events, a Queens Birthday blockbuster that is both relevant to finals and something to look forward to.

This is like seeing Halley's Comet or a politician with integrity.

Adelaide (81) v Greater Western Sydney (97)

A very entertaining game, in a round bereft of them, and a Giant outcome for Greater Western Sydney (get it? Yes, I’ll see myself out).

For a team accused of lacking heart, the Giants proved a lot of people wrong in this one (thanks for ruining our tips), staying in the game and then running over the top of the Crows when it mattered.

The Crows greatest opponent this season is injuries, and they lost both Tom Lynch and Richard Douglas in this one, so at least they’re consistent.

West Lakes looks more like MASH than a football club at the moment. Crows fans will be hoping it doesn’t go on as long as that show did, but it feels like it will.

The Giants are now a chance to make a late season run and having players like Josh Kelly back in the line-up shows they can still be dangerous.

The Victorian media can start hyperventilating again.

I have two shows this week!

The first is 7.00pm Wednesday 6 June The Comic’s Lounge in Melbourne.

The second is 8.00pm Thu 7 June Arkaba Hotel Adelaide.

The last ten shows at the Melbourne Comedy Festival sold out so get in early.

Tickets for both shows available here: frontiercomedy.com/titusoreily

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. I aim to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls.

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