Writer and broadcaster Titus O’Reily was born in Melbourne and abandoned within hours of his birth. As a result, he was raised by the Sisters of Collective Misery, a kindly but sombre order who placed an emphasis on sport above all other things, including religion. When asked about his early childhood he said 'it was fine'.
Titus began selling newspapers in the local area at the age of two. By forgoing education, basic hygiene and social interaction with other people, he soon amassed a small fortune in unmarked bills and precious stones.
At the age of eight, Titus set off from Melbourne for London in a rowboat containing only himself and a positive attitude. He made the trip in just two months thanks to a powerful stroke and favourable currents. He described the crossing as 'uneventful'.
In London, Titus developed a love of drinking, writing and ice skating, the last being something he did professionally across the continent for almost a decade.
It was while hiking in Scotland that Titus realised he missed his homeland and he made the momentous decision to return to Australia to write badly about sport.
Upon returning to Australia, Titus quickly gained a following amongst people with low self esteem and little education, a sizeable amount of the population. He wrote regularly for The Queenslander until it was discontinued in 1939.
Out of work, Titus entered a 60 year period of solitude. Alone, he worked on a new theory of electromagnetism. Published in the prestige online journal Reddit, it was described by experts as 'insane' and 'lacking even a basic grasp of reality'. The theory forms a central plank of Donald Trump's science policy. It was only the invention of Twitter that got Titus writing again. He quickly adopted the new medium, which he enjoyed due to the short format and the ability to do it without leaving the house. He quickly hired hundreds of writers to craft tweets around the clock.
As well as his writing, Titus has often attracted controversy for his long running campaign to lower the drinking age to twelve and his view that no one should be allowed to enter Australia, including Australians returning from holidays. He is also keen to see the abolition of the Collingwood Football Club.
Today, Titus writes nonsense and records the Titus and Sergio Variety Hour, a podcast of questionable quality and listenership, with legendary Jai Alai player Sergio Paradise.
Aside from despairing over the state of his beloved Melbourne Football Club, Titus lives alone in his city apartment which is described as 'unwelcoming' and 'sparsely decorated'.