Oct 16, 2020

AFL

A Highly Unhelpful Guide to AFL Finals Week Three

27 Comments

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics 

It’s your unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Three.

Friday

Port Adelaide v Richmond (AO) 7:50pm Seven

There’s so much trade speculation in the Melbourne footy media at the moment that I’d forgotten the season was still going.

Preliminary Finals are exciting and all, but it’s much more fun to speculate on how many first-round picks the Bombers will get for Adam Saad. I’m not one to wildly speculate, but I think anything less than twenty first round picks would be unreasonable.

When this strange season started off, I know many of you predicted a Port Adelaide premiership, but it’s nice to have Richmond still in the hunt.

The Tigers have managed to go from a relatively well-liked team to the biggest villain in the competition.

Not since Hulk Hogan joined the NWO have I seen such a turnaround in popularity.

The only difference is where Hogan had the leg drop as a finishing move, the Tigers have a knee drop.

The term ‘unsociable’ gets thrown around a lot, I guess because it sounds nicer than ‘thuggish’. A bit like when CEOs say ‘rightsizing’ instead of ‘downsizing’.

In fairness, it’s hard to win a Premiership and stay popular, especially if you win more than one, it’s like a band becoming big.

You need to be more like the Western Bulldogs, who turned in one brilliant turn then didn’t do much. The Bulldogs are The Stone Roses of the AFL,  a brilliant Premiership out of nowhere, then, disappointment. That’s why both of them have such indie cred.

Richmond is in danger of becoming U2 and of course, Hawthorn is Nickelback.

Port doesn’t seem like a team that’s going to be easily intimidated though.

Charlie Dixon’s beard is so terrifying, that if you tried to knee him while he was on the ground, his beard would envelop you and you’d never be seen again.

This isn’t idle conjecture, it happened once to his opponent Simon Finch. Never heard of Simon Finch? That’s because not only did Dixon’s beard swallow him, it erased all record of him ever existing.

Port deserve to be favourites in this, they’ve been super consistent this year, while Richmond’s has been a bit less reliable.

Richmond’s experience could be telling, but I think the Power is up for the challenge.

Saturday

Brisbane v Geelong (G) 7:40pm Seven

Brisbane have a chance to play a Grand Final on their home ground and must be so excited a bit of grass from the MCG is being sent up there in a refrigerated truck to be sown into the Gabba surface.

I’m fully aware the cost is being covered by a sponsor, but it’s still one of the weirdest stunts in recent years.

When people can’t cross borders to see sick family members, and others are losing their jobs, it seems an unnecessary exercise.

It’s sad the way the AFL is so desperately trying to include the MCG into the Grand Final, including having Mike Brady sing in an empty MCG on the day and beaming it into the Gabba.

It’s like having your ex on a zoom call during your wedding, surrounded by empty gin bottles in their darkened apartment.

For Victorian footy fans, none of this makes up for the Grand Final not being at the MCG, but on top of that, Victorians aren’t even thinking about the Grand Final being interstate.

We are just desperately hoping we may be allowed to visit family and friends at some stage this decade.

The bar is so low that I’ve had several people tell me this week that they’re so excited they may be allowed to get a haircut soon.

That’s where we’ve got to, being excited about a haircut.

So, shipping turf up to the Gabba, only really works as a feel-good marketing activation, if 6.4 million Victorians can hide within it to get out of the state.

Still, it’s nice to see Victoria export something other than COVID.

Geelong comes into this more refreshed that a middle-level executive who’s just got back from a yoga retreat in the Blue Mountains.

The big worry for the Cats in this is they don’t tend to play well coming off a bye.

And they’ll need to play with at least the intensity of last week against a Brisbane side who have talent everywhere and are significantly younger and faster than Geelong.

I can’t see Geelong winning here, the Lions are in form, rested and on their home ground. It means we could see a Grand Final with no Victorian teams in it.

In many ways, that would reflect the way most of the country operates at the moment anyway.

Still, Victorians shouldn’t get down, soon we’ll legally be able to get haircuts, be still my beating heart.

My new book Cheat: The Not-so-subtle Art of Conning Your Way to Sporting Glory is now available for pre-order.  

At the moment I’m barely able to work, so you can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. It’s greatly appreciated. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

COMMENTS

Eve

Oct 16, 2020

Hawthorn is Nickelback :)))

I HATE Nickleback....

The Ho Brothers (Brayden, Brody and Brock)

Oct 16, 2020

Actually, we have nothing to add to either of your fine analyses.

Chris Healy

Oct 16, 2020

You've made my day Sir :) Thank you for your sage commentary

The g train

Oct 16, 2020

The GF game will not be played at The MCG—the spiritual home of Australian cricket. And if there are also no Victorian teams in this game, will that mean that a completed 2020 GF never actually happened? Something akin to a strange quantum effect?

Titus has the very, very rare ability to offer his readers joy and somberness SIMULTANEOUSLY.

It reminds me of what Rohinton Mistry wrote: “The joy and laughter they brought was an antidote to the somberness...”

Jonathan Lawson

Oct 16, 2020

What do I do with my shiny new pair of clippers?

Nobleoz

Oct 16, 2020

Titus - I went to the dentist today & was so excited. That's where I've got to!

But we shouldn't be surprised about that piece of MCG turf going to the Gabba. Every time the Grand Final is away from the MCG we always have a weird stunt. Just think of Waverley & the Batmobile!

Gyfox

Oct 16, 2020

Good comment, Nobleoz. Imagine the weird stunt McGowan would have if the GF went to Perth next year.

Ched

Oct 16, 2020

“The big worry for the Cats in this is they don’t tend to play well coming off a bye“
Pure gold. Subtle, but gold

Jewels

Oct 16, 2020

Oh damn you Titus, I was hoping and praying for a Port/ Lions GF and now you've tipped the same, you've basically guaranteed us Tigers/ Cats.

Not happy Titty....

Party

Oct 16, 2020

Loving that fact the GF not at the G. At last and shared biased playing field.

Andrew Pelechaty

Oct 16, 2020

If the Bulldogs as The Stone Roses, then Collingwood are Oasis: the hometown media froths over their every move; their fans adore them, but everyone else passionately despises them; they’re full of swagger; the highs are Biblical (as Liam Gallagher would say), and the lows are devastating.

AngelSwan

Oct 16, 2020

You need to be more like the Western Bulldogs, who turned in one brilliant turn then didn’t do much. The Bulldogs are The Stone Roses of the AFL, a brilliant Premiership out of nowhere, then, disappointment. That’s why both of them have such indie cred.

LOL Everyone knows that GF win was a joke, farce and completely rigged! The Stone Roses have a LOAD more cred than the Dogs!

Fairsuckofthesav

Oct 16, 2020

Perhaps in future years, in fact every year, send a sample of turf from the Gabba, SCG, Adelaide Oval, and Perth Stadium to the MCG for the GF to remind the AFL that it is actually a national competition.

Amanda Maher

Oct 16, 2020

I think ‘the Cats don’t play well after a bye’ is your best ever. I wonder how many people it made think “I’m sure they played last week” 🙋‍♀️ 🤣🤣

THE DAILY BITCH

Oct 16, 2020

"Charlie Dixon’s beard is so terrifying, that if you tried to knee him while he was on the ground, his beard would envelop you and you’d never be seen again.

This isn’t idle conjecture, it happened once to his opponent Simon Finch. Never heard of Simon Finch? That’s because not only did Dixon’s beard swallow him, it erased all record of him ever existing."

Hahahaha, fell off the chair laughing.................wonder if he could hide 6.4 million Victorians in there so we could all escape Victoria!! Thanks for always making me laugh good sir!!

MUKABOY

Oct 16, 2020

Good idea FAIRSUCKOFTHESAV. It will never happen though.
The AFL find it hard enough letting out-of-staters play in their Grand Final occasionally and would never let some of our grass mingle with their hallowed turf.

MUKABOY

Oct 16, 2020

I hate saying this, and will deny it if anybody says I did, but I'm sorta hoping Richmond get into the GF.
The thought of all their supporters NOT being able to wander across from Punt Road will be priceless.

JayCee

Oct 16, 2020

"It’s like having your ex on a zoom call during your wedding, surrounded by empty gin bottles in their darkened apartment."

Brilliant analogy. Made me laugh and made me sad......

Macca R

Oct 16, 2020

The best thing about Mike Brady performing (which i use lightly) in an empty MCG is that 100.00 people won't be forced to listen to that awful dreary dirge, again.
At least we can mute the volume upon our televisions.

Paul

Oct 16, 2020

Nickelback? No way, not my hawks! We might be U2, but not nickelback!

Daniel B

Oct 16, 2020

I can't wait to count how many journalists comment, without irony, on the home-ground advantage for Brisbane and/or disadvantage for the Victorian opponent after the grand final. I was considering skulling a drink each time, but my doctor has written me a strongly worded letter warning against it.

LC

Oct 16, 2020

Thinking of you Titus and all my VIC friends. Hopefully things will change soon.

I hope the Lions win tomorrow night, not just because they are my team, but for the sake of getting people to care about AFL up here in QLD.

Hoping for a Port vs Lions GF especially as it will be in QLD and they are non-VIC teams.

On the subject of music, my tip for the week is a song by Mat Kerekes called Low. Search for it on YouTube or Bandcamp. It has been bringing me a lot of joy lately (whilst in the last couple of weeks of my honours thesis), which is what we all need more of right now!

Linda Sim

Oct 16, 2020

You are very funny

Mick

Oct 16, 2020

So who are Melbourne? The Moody Blues? Yup they’re still around.

woody

Oct 16, 2020

The band analogy is a cracker! Reckon then that Adelaide is really the Archies - a band that never existed

Dean-o

Oct 16, 2020

You can relax. There’s a Victorian team in it.

Fat Side

Oct 17, 2020

Surely the Demons are the Beach Boys - they hit the heights in the 50s and early 60s, a brief resurgence in the 80s ( Kokomo anyone? ) and these days they can't put anything resembling a decent team on the stage/field.

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