Oct 16, 2020
A Highly Unhelpful Guide to AFL Finals Week Three
It’s your unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Three.
Port Adelaide v Richmond (AO) 7:50pm Seven
There’s so much trade speculation in the Melbourne footy media at the moment that I’d forgotten the season was still going.
Preliminary Finals are exciting and all, but it’s much more fun to speculate on how many first-round picks the Bombers will get for Adam Saad. I’m not one to wildly speculate, but I think anything less than twenty first round picks would be unreasonable.
When this strange season started off, I know many of you predicted a Port Adelaide premiership, but it’s nice to have Richmond still in the hunt.
The Tigers have managed to go from a relatively well-liked team to the biggest villain in the competition.
Not since Hulk Hogan joined the NWO have I seen such a turnaround in popularity.
The only difference is where Hogan had the leg drop as a finishing move, the Tigers have a knee drop.
The term ‘unsociable’ gets thrown around a lot, I guess because it sounds nicer than ‘thuggish’. A bit like when CEOs say ‘rightsizing’ instead of ‘downsizing’.
In fairness, it’s hard to win a Premiership and stay popular, especially if you win more than one, it’s like a band becoming big.
You need to be more like the Western Bulldogs, who turned in one brilliant turn then didn’t do much. The Bulldogs are The Stone Roses of the AFL, a brilliant Premiership out of nowhere, then, disappointment. That’s why both of them have such indie cred.
Richmond is in danger of becoming U2 and of course, Hawthorn is Nickelback.
Port doesn’t seem like a team that’s going to be easily intimidated though.
Charlie Dixon’s beard is so terrifying, that if you tried to knee him while he was on the ground, his beard would envelop you and you’d never be seen again.
This isn’t idle conjecture, it happened once to his opponent Simon Finch. Never heard of Simon Finch? That’s because not only did Dixon’s beard swallow him, it erased all record of him ever existing.
Port deserve to be favourites in this, they’ve been super consistent this year, while Richmond’s has been a bit less reliable.
Richmond’s experience could be telling, but I think the Power is up for the challenge.
Brisbane v Geelong (G) 7:40pm Seven
Brisbane have a chance to play a Grand Final on their home ground and must be so excited a bit of grass from the MCG is being sent up there in a refrigerated truck to be sown into the Gabba surface.
I’m fully aware the cost is being covered by a sponsor, but it’s still one of the weirdest stunts in recent years.
When people can’t cross borders to see sick family members, and others are losing their jobs, it seems an unnecessary exercise.
It’s sad the way the AFL is so desperately trying to include the MCG into the Grand Final, including having Mike Brady sing in an empty MCG on the day and beaming it into the Gabba.
It’s like having your ex on a zoom call during your wedding, surrounded by empty gin bottles in their darkened apartment.
For Victorian footy fans, none of this makes up for the Grand Final not being at the MCG, but on top of that, Victorians aren’t even thinking about the Grand Final being interstate.
We are just desperately hoping we may be allowed to visit family and friends at some stage this decade.
The bar is so low that I’ve had several people tell me this week that they’re so excited they may be allowed to get a haircut soon.
That’s where we’ve got to, being excited about a haircut.
So, shipping turf up to the Gabba, only really works as a feel-good marketing activation, if 6.4 million Victorians can hide within it to get out of the state.
Still, it’s nice to see Victoria export something other than COVID.
Geelong comes into this more refreshed that a middle-level executive who’s just got back from a yoga retreat in the Blue Mountains.
The big worry for the Cats in this is they don’t tend to play well coming off a bye.
And they’ll need to play with at least the intensity of last week against a Brisbane side who have talent everywhere and are significantly younger and faster than Geelong.
I can’t see Geelong winning here, the Lions are in form, rested and on their home ground. It means we could see a Grand Final with no Victorian teams in it.
In many ways, that would reflect the way most of the country operates at the moment anyway.
Still, Victorians shouldn’t get down, soon we’ll legally be able to get haircuts, be still my beating heart.
My new book Cheat: The Not-so-subtle Art of Conning Your Way to Sporting Glory is now available for pre-order.
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