Jun 23, 2022

AFL

A highly unhelpful guide to Round Fifteen

21 Comments

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Fifteen.

Thursday

Melbourne vs. Brisbane (MCG) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

It’s bad news for Melbourne, their bye week is over and in almost worse news, Max Gawn is out for weeks.

I’d go as far as to say Max is a very serviceable ruckman, and not exactly someone you want to lose when your season appears to be falling apart.

Not that the Demons need to necessarily fall apart. I mean, some of the players on the team have even participated in a premiership fairly recently.

Steven May returns from suspension, which was overblown, considering he only got in a brawl with a teammate. It’s not like he did something terrible, like say, participate in a Tik Tok trend that half the world is doing.

Brisbane took the top spot on the ladder off the Demons last week, so this looms as a real chance to assert their new position at the top of the pile.

Unfortunately for the Lions, they’ll be missing Darcy Gardiner, Dayne Zorko, and Zac Bailey.

That’s the problem with the AFL season, it’s a long slog and is as much about injury management as football.

What would be great is if we just went off Champion Data preseason rankings, then we’d never have an injury again. Even better, the AFL wouldn’t have to deal with us annoying fans anymore.

I’m tipping the Lions.

Friday

Western Bulldogs vs. Hawthorn (Marvel) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Not to bang on about it, but the floating fixture delivers again, with 10th taking on 14th.

Look, I don’t mind that it’s this game, it’s just the idea the floating fixture is doing what it’s meant to be doing is what annoys me.

But delivering what you’re meant to be delivering is not always the AFL’s strong suit.

While 10th v 14th isn’t a great match-up, at least there are some stars to watch.

Like Bailey Smith.

No wait, he’s out for both illicit drug use and headbutting, a rare double.

Well Cody Weightman is good to watch, no wait, he’s out too due to that dislocated elbow.

Apparently, he avoided bone damage, only stretching his ligaments, which still sounds horrendous, but he should only be out this week.

I can relate. As a keen drinker, I’ve dislocated my elbow heaps of times, and often I’m back at the pub the very next week. Am I a hero? Well… it’s hard not to think that when people say it so often.

While the Bulldogs have a few stars outs, at least Hawthorn have, ummm, well, they don’t really have stars. I don’t think I can name a Hawthorn player. Is Paul Puopolo still there?

Despite this, I’m going to tip the Hawks in an upset. No need to thank me Bulldogs fans.

West Coast vs. Essendon (OS) 8:40pm Fox Footy

Do we dare to dream the Eagles could beat Essendon?

I must admit, just the thought amuses me.

And the Eagles were only fairly awful last week, a marked improvement on their normal level of ‘intentionally left blank’.

There was some drama out west, with Adam Simpson admitting the Eagles ‘tried to downplay’ Jeremy McGovern’s injury early on.

Imagine my shock, a club playing down an injury. I’m positive this has never happened before. What has the world come to?

Can we no longer trust a club’s injury list anymore? What’s next, the words of our politicians? The advertising industry? Horoscopes?

Essendon are coming off a win against St Kilda, but they haven’t won two games in a row all year, that said, that’s hardly a surprising fact.

It’s like me telling you I don’t have any friends, you may not have known that, but you’re not surprised to hear it.

I’m tipping the Eagles for a bit of fun.

Saturday

Carlton vs. Fremantle (Marvel) 1:45pm Fox Footy

Look, we could focus on the fact that Carlton have lost two of their last three games, but I’m a Melbourne supporter, so I feel a bit sensitive about things like that at the moment.

Now they face off against Fremantle, a side who had their own little wobble a while ago but have come back only stronger.

This is the moment the Blues can show they really have moved on from being a basket case to being the monster that lives in my nightmares.

Harry McKay said this week that Carlton isn’t getting ahead of themselves, but instead, they’ve spoken about ‘chasing us’.

I’m not sure chasing yourself is a good idea.

I had a dog that did that, it just went around in circles until it got dizzy and threw up. I’m not sure that’s what Carlton are aiming for.

You certainly don’t want to do that against Fremantle, who have proven to be incredibly competent and consistent this year.

No one is more surprised about this than Dockers fans, who are so unused to this they haven’t even learnt to trash talk yet.

One said to me this week, ‘Hey, my team is doing very well, yes? Yours less well. Sorry.’

I’m tipping the Blues.

Geelong vs. Richmond (MCG) 4:35pm Fox Footy

Richmond fans do know how to trash talk, and some were already talking of a premiership this year after their win over Carlton. 

That’s just what we need, another Richmond Premiership. It’s right up there with another global pandemic on my list of desires.

Unfortunately, it could happen. The Tigers seem to have got their spark back.

A win against the Cats would certainly see the Richmond faithful become even more unbearable remain exactly the same.

Geelong though are on a four-game winning streak, although last week they seemed troubled by the Eagles, which is a worrying sign. 

The good news for the Cats is this is a home game. It’s always a massive advantage for them to get a game like this at home as they’re very hard to beat at home.

I’m sure the Tigers are concerned about playing at the Cats home too, as unfamiliar as they are with the Cats’ home ground.

I’m tipping Richmond.

Sydney vs. St Kilda (SCG) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Last week, the Saints lost to Essendon, in response, the Swans picked up the gauntlet and promptly lost to Port Adelaide.

The Swans deserve a fair bit of credit for losing to Port, it’s not an easy thing to do.

Hawthorn couldn’t do it and even Adelaide tried and failed.

Now we get to find out who can really let down their fans, and spoiler alert, it will be St Kilda, masters of the craft.

Sure, Swans fans have had their ups and downs, but St Kilda are in their fifth decade of a war against their fans’ mental health, a war the Saints are winning fairly easily.

There have been promising signs this season from St Kilda, but now they are hovering around the bottom of the eight, with Collingwood, the Bulldogs and Gold Coast all snapping at their heels.

That makes this a must-win for them, which is why I’m tipping the Swans.

Sunday

North Melbourne vs. Adelaide (BA) 1:10pm Fox Footy

Some tragic events you can’t look away from. It's why cars slow down to look at an accident; but this game is a tragic event you can look away from.

In fact, I would suggest you don’t even look at it in the first place.

Someone will win, probably, but football and your eyesight will be the losers.

If I was Fox Footy, I wouldn’t even show it. A repeat of The Bounce would be less traumatic. Well, it’s a close race.

Anyway, since we have to tip, I’m tipping the Crows.

Collingwood vs. Greater Western Sydney (MCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

Sometimes when you’re living through history, you can’t sense what is happening around you.

And I just want to say, it’s time we realised that we are living in a golden age of Collingwood apologising for things.

I mean, when Eddie McGuire stepped down as Collingwood President, I thought the golden era of Collingwood having to apologise was over.

I had a spreadsheet to track Eddie’s apologies, and I had to put a man on to keep it updated.

I thought we were done with all that, but in the past week, we’ve had apologies from three different Collingwood players.

This is all I’ve ever wanted. Just Collingwood having to apologise for things on a weekly basis.

Really, the Pies need a full-time apology writer and they’d be busy.

Firstly, I was shattered by the video of Jordan De Goey in Bali.

Not in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that the combination of Jordan De Goey, an Instagram bikini model and a Bali nightclub would produce scenes such as we saw.

I thought the video would have been them discussing the problem of Ukraine fatigue in the West and how German energy policy over the last thirty years had emboldened and funded Russian aggressiveness.

Instead, we got drinking and stupidness. I was in shock!

I’m not saying I’m defending De Goey, he is to bad choices what Johann Sebastian Bach is to classical music. But the note of surprise people had in response to the video was baffling to me.

If I’d told you in advance, to script a video in which Jordan De Goey and an Instagram model hook up in Bali and go to a nightclub, that video would be exactly what you would have scripted, in fact, the video is probably tamer than we’d have thought.

Then we had Jack Ginnivan and Isaac Quaynor apologising for participating in a Tik Tok trend that heaps of people their age are participating in.

People rate an imaginary person, and then re-rate them when given a more specific statement about their personality, appearance, or interests.

So, to be clear they’re rating imaginary people.

When will people understand that these imaginary men and women have imaginary feelings?

Rating them can have devastating imaginary impacts on the rest of their imaginary lives.

Really, I think people who claim they aren’t rating people are just lying.

I rate everyone; not just on looks, but a complex algorithm that makes Google’s look simple.

In the end, two apologies in a week are a good start, but I want more.

So, here’s a list of things I’m calling on Collingwood to apologise for: 

  • Sally McIntyre saying 'no, never' when I asked her to the year ten social
  • The speed of Australia’s broadband internet
  • Global warming 
  • Existing
  • Every time someone makes a cup of tea, only to realise after they’ve poured the hot water over the tea bag, that they’re out of milk
  • Nickelback
  • Covid-19
  • The cost of living
  • All those text messages Clive Palmer sent us
  • The assassination of JFK
  • Marissa Cooper dying on The OC

I'm tipping the Pies. Apologies. 

Port Adelaide vs. Gold Coast (AO) 4:10pm Fox Footy

Port have made things hard for themselves this year but are giving finals a red hot crack.

They remind me of when I left a uni sociology paper to the last minute, only I then worked incredibly hard to produce “Why calling for North Melbourne to be moved to Tasmania is the laziest take a footy pundit can produce, and why it keeps happening to the point I just want to scream and throw something at the television: a sociological perspective.’

I was so proud of that essay, but like Port, it was all for nothing, as the topic I had been assigned was ‘What kind of health inequalities occur in countries with different welfare regimes?’ and the lecturer thought I’d wandered off topic somewhat.

Gold Coast have had a similar season to Port, the difference being people had a very different set of expectations for them.

Everyone thought Port would play finals and that the Suns would crash into a burning heap after round six.

Neither of those things appears to be happening.

In fact, there’s a real chance the Suns could win this and put Port’s finals chances into the ‘mathematically possible’ category.

And you know what, I’m going to tip the Suns, because I can feel it in my waters.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

COMMENTS

Jonathan Dowling

Jun 23, 2022

Was waiting with great anticipation for your Collingwood preview.

Artie Fufkin

Jun 23, 2022

De Goey is to bad choices what Johann Sebastian Bach is to classical music - pure Titus magic right there

Chappy

Jun 23, 2022

And Collingwood supporters frantically google "Who is Sebastian Bach"

Tankwest

Jun 23, 2022

“ I’m tipping the Eagles for a bit of fun “ Most Surely life is not dictated by whether the Weagles Win for some fun, Joy delirium and ecstasy? However the majority of Wet Toast supporters are and they are devastated you tipped them!!!
Advantage Bombers, Weagles zero

Jason Campbell

Jun 23, 2022

Actually Johann Sebastian Bach was a Baroque composer Titus. Every Melbourne supporter should know that!

The Cardtrader

Jun 23, 2022

Why does everyone hate on Nickelback?
(asking for a friend)

Tarax Club

Jun 23, 2022

It's the Top of the table clash at AFL footy HQ this evening, rather than the Pre-Queen's Birthday bash at the Entrecôte Restaurant in Grenville Street. Question is will the Christian's (Salem&Petracca) be feed to the Lions or be seen feeding on the Lions? Awaiting further developments...

Running Dog

Jun 23, 2022

Chappy, what do you mean about Collingwood supporters frantically searching Google? Surely everyone's heard of Johann Sebastian Nickelbach.

Saint Peter

Jun 23, 2022

Well done Titus on the C'wood apology. Although I thought you may have gone the path of C'woods very harsh & over the top penalty to J De Goey. The poor guy no doubt struggling financially has to now cough up $25K by seasons end. Oh wait, I think they said don't worry about that, we will forget it even happened by then. Plus not only did he not get suspended but they have said hey you look a bit tired, why don't you have a week off and find some sun but don't go to Bail again how about a nice quite island like Ibeza.
Boy I wouldn't want to play for a team that dishes out punishment like that.

The g train

Jun 23, 2022

Titus gives every good reason why The Bulldogs should defeat The Hawks. But then: “Despite this, I’m going to tip the Hawks in an upset”. Without any explanation. That’s the genius of Titus. He may appear to make irrational statements, but it all somehow makes sense (to the very astute reader).

The Suns have their 3 best defenders out to injury this round. Which would normally be very concerning. But it’s a different Gold Coast this season and should be very able to cover these exclusions and record another W.

The 5th decade of StK being at war with their fans mental health.? Try the 7th decade. And no end in sight.

Ross

Jun 23, 2022

Titus
Ye of Very Little Faith!
I presume you are clearly working on the fact that your pre-match tip will be wrong, again, and The Dees will win!
Hope so
Ross

Kangas

Jun 23, 2022

Titus every episode of Bounce is a crime against humanity. Give me a North game every time.

Fitzy

Jun 23, 2022

Chappys comments re Bach are nearly as funny as you Titus- you bring out the best in us!!

Scott

Jun 23, 2022

Sorry Titus, but the one thing Collingwood need not apologise for is existing. They should always be a part of the AFL/VFL, holding up the ladder, utterly winless. We all need someone to hate, and as it's been made clear that it can't be the precious umpires, then it has to be the Magpies. ABC (Anyone But Collingwood) FOREVER!

BLOKE FROM THE OUTER

Jun 23, 2022

Titus channelling his inner Organ Morgan 'Oh, Bach without any doubt. Bach every time for me.'

Dufflecoat Supreme

Jun 23, 2022

One of your best, Titus. Go and shoot a peasant in celebration.

Chin up Titus

Jun 23, 2022

I know how used to crushing disappointment Dees fans are, after all I'm a Blues tragic, but to tip the Lions only for them to get a thrashing is really not giving your team the support it deserves through thick and thin. I'd rather hope for the best for my team than expect the worst of any game. So you tipping the Blues to beat the Dockers had better not be as far off the mark as your Dees vs Lions tip!

Con Cushion

Jun 24, 2022

Turn it up Titus ... tipping The Lions is called A Happiness Tip ... let me repeat myself ! Turn it up Titus!!

Pope Paul VII

Jun 24, 2022

It's Johann Sebastian Full Bach.

stoney33

Jun 24, 2022

BIG FELLA I only saw this at half time on friday so we both know how the dees went, going back to your post about reasons for the FILTH to apologise you really did let yourself down with the reasons stated.I mean without even trying i thought of another 30 reasons why they should not only apologise but indeed play every season for no points similar to the melbourne storm a few seasons ago alas the storm had a reason for playing for no points but in the filths case the reason is most of us just HATE/DETEST/DESPISE THE FILTH. Any way back to real life the lads in red and blue played their best game of the season by flogging the lions but now the hard work starts with a very hard run home.GO DEES

DC

Jun 25, 2022

TANKWEST, comment didn't ge well, really really quickly - like organic veggies

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