The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Fourteen.

Thursday

Richmond vs. Carlton (MCG) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

There was a moment in Carlton’s game last week, where despite being well ahead and playing VFL side Essendon, Michael Voss yelled at his men, telling them that what they were delivering was not good enough.

It was at this moment I realised this is not the Carlton team of previous decades.

The horror of this moment is etched on my brain and as I watched Voss scream, I remarked “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” as all colour drained from my face.

Blues fans often message me saying ‘why the Carlton hate Titus?’

There are three reasons. One, it’s Carlton. You don’t need a reason to hate Carlton. It’s like asking ‘why do you hate people who put their seats back on short domestic flights?’ 

The second is, you hate any club that has done well in your lifetime.

No one really hates Gold Coast.

For most of their existence, they’ve been an easy four points, and a menu of players you can recruit to your club. They’ve been the Father Christmas of AFL Clubs, just giving you stuff once a year.

The final reason is some of my closest friends barrack for the Blues. As they say familiarity breeds contempt.

It’s weird that having a friend barrack for a team makes you like that team less, rather than more.

The most dishonest phrase I’ve ever heard is someone say is, ‘I’m happy for you that your team won.”

I know this because I once said this to a Richmond supporter after they won the flag.

I wasn’t really, instead I knew this was the beginning of them being totally insufferable.

A favour I then returned to them from the minute last year’s Grand Final ended until a recent trip to a French restaurant.

You only like a team that’s not yours, if it has never won a Grand Final in your lifetime, and then it wins one. The minute it wins a second you hate them just as much as everyone else.

I’m tipping the Blues.

Friday

St Kilda vs. Essendon (Marvel) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

The floating schedule is a wonderful thing, aside from the fact it makes it hard for people to plan trips to the footy, especially if your team is playing interstate or if you live in the country.

But the benefit is it gives us blockbusters in prime time, like this one with St Kilda and… hang on, Essendon?

Ahh, yes, the 16^th placed Essendon.  

Seriously, the floating fixture is a joke, it works about as well as Australia’s Energy Market, in that it doesn’t do what it’s meant to do and just makes life harder and more expensive for everyone.

Essendon shouldn’t really be televised at all, even if it’s three in the morning, but having them in prime time surely breaches numerous public decency laws.

One player who will be under the microscope is Jake Stringer, who Ben Rutten labelled as ‘poor’ last week.

I’m not one to stick up for Jake Stringer, but Rutten should be careful pointing out people doing a poor job, someone might notice his efforts.

St Kilda to win.

Saturday

Port Adelaide vs. Sydney (AO) 1:45pm Fox Footy

Port Adelaide’s season is as dead as Internet Explorer.

Continuing their disappointing year, Robbie Gray and Travis Boak will both miss this game, turning this from a probable loss to an almost certain loss.

Although Port have been able to lose with or without their stars this year. They’ve shown great adaptability.

Sydney are coming off the bye, but before that, they beat reigning premiers Melbourne, and sure, everyone is beating them at the moment, but this was before the fracas at the French restaurant.

It was also without Buddy, who should return from suspension after murdering Trent Cotchin in a cowardly fashion a few weeks ago.  

Personally, I think once you’ve kicked a thousand goals, you should be allowed to punch anyone you want. Just go for it.

It would really give players an incentive to score more, which is what the AFL always says they want.

Swans to win.

West Coast vs. Geelong (OS) 4:35pm  Fox Footy

Now hear me out. What if West Coast played 11 home games in Perth, and then 11 games in Tasmania each year?

That way, Tassie would get a team and this plan would fast-track West Coast’s recovery and give its supporters hope.

Is it a terrible idea?

Yes, it is a terrible idea.

I do have another suggestion, what if Geelong just sent a single representative to Perth this weekend to collect the four points in a small ceremony?

It seems silly to send the entire team and the money saved could be given to a charity, like West Coast Fans Who Have Watched All Their Games This Year.

Lord knows they need all the help they can get.

Geelong to win.

Greater Western Sydney vs. Western Bulldogs (GS) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

It’s 13^th taking on 10^th in a battle that will draw mild interest from some footy fans.

The Giants defeated North Melbourne last week, with their players managing to not be overawed by the crowd of 13,742.

Playing North may seem like a fun thing to do, but it’s like training with really light weights, it doesn’t help you get ready for the heavy ones.

Despite their problems, the Bulldogs are not North, and have occasionally even pulled together a quarter or so of very good football.

Obviously, they’ll be without Bailey Smith, who once again reminded people to not get photographed with white powder.

The other option is to do what I do, and that’s to make sure that in every photo taken of me I’m holding my lucky small bag of white flour.

I say 'I better get out my lucky small bag of flour', really loudly as the photo is being taken.

People now know I do this, so I can easily sneak in cocaine sometimes and no one suspects a thing.

I’m tipping the Giants.

Sunday

Gold Coast vs. Adelaide (Metricon) 3:20pm Fox Footy

One of the things I’ve liked about the Suns this year, is they are not constantly losing.

It’s a bold new direction for the club and even has them in the mix to sneak into the eight.

With Melbourne looking like dropping out, one spot looks up for grabs in the eight, and the Suns get a win here against the Crows, which puts them in a very good position.

It’s not that Adelaide has been bad this year, it’s that they’ve been slightly worse than bad.

The last time the Crows beat an AFL side was on April 23. That’s not good.

Suns to win.

Bye: Brisbane, Collingwood, North Melbourne, Hawthorn, Fremantle and Melbourne

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