Jun 16, 2022

AFL

A highly unhelpful guide to Round Fourteen

23 Comments

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Fourteen.

Thursday

Richmond vs. Carlton (MCG) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

There was a moment in Carlton’s game last week, where despite being well ahead and playing VFL side Essendon, Michael Voss yelled at his men, telling them that what they were delivering was not good enough.

It was at this moment I realised this is not the Carlton team of previous decades.

The horror of this moment is etched on my brain and as I watched Voss scream, I remarked “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” as all colour drained from my face.

Blues fans often message me saying ‘why the Carlton hate Titus?’

There are three reasons. One, it’s Carlton. You don’t need a reason to hate Carlton. It’s like asking ‘why do you hate people who put their seats back on short domestic flights?’ 

The second is, you hate any club that has done well in your lifetime.

No one really hates Gold Coast.

For most of their existence, they’ve been an easy four points, and a menu of players you can recruit to your club. They’ve been the Father Christmas of AFL Clubs, just giving you stuff once a year.

The final reason is some of my closest friends barrack for the Blues. As they say familiarity breeds contempt.

It’s weird that having a friend barrack for a team makes you like that team less, rather than more.

The most dishonest phrase I’ve ever heard is someone say is, ‘I’m happy for you that your team won.”

I know this because I once said this to a Richmond supporter after they won the flag.

I wasn’t really, instead I knew this was the beginning of them being totally insufferable.

A favour I then returned to them from the minute last year’s Grand Final ended until a recent trip to a French restaurant.

You only like a team that’s not yours, if it has never won a Grand Final in your lifetime, and then it wins one. The minute it wins a second you hate them just as much as everyone else.

I’m tipping the Blues.

Friday

St Kilda vs. Essendon (Marvel) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

The floating schedule is a wonderful thing, aside from the fact it makes it hard for people to plan trips to the footy, especially if your team is playing interstate or if you live in the country.

But the benefit is it gives us blockbusters in prime time, like this one with St Kilda and… hang on, Essendon?

Ahh, yes, the 16th placed Essendon.  

Seriously, the floating fixture is a joke, it works about as well as Australia’s Energy Market, in that it doesn’t do what it’s meant to do and just makes life harder and more expensive for everyone.

Essendon shouldn’t really be televised at all, even if it’s three in the morning, but having them in prime time surely breaches numerous public decency laws.

One player who will be under the microscope is Jake Stringer, who Ben Rutten labelled as ‘poor’ last week.

I’m not one to stick up for Jake Stringer, but Rutten should be careful pointing out people doing a poor job, someone might notice his efforts.

St Kilda to win.

Saturday

Port Adelaide vs. Sydney (AO) 1:45pm Fox Footy

Port Adelaide’s season is as dead as Internet Explorer.

Continuing their disappointing year, Robbie Gray and Travis Boak will both miss this game, turning this from a probable loss to an almost certain loss.

Although Port have been able to lose with or without their stars this year. They’ve shown great adaptability.

Sydney are coming off the bye, but before that, they beat reigning premiers Melbourne, and sure, everyone is beating them at the moment, but this was before the fracas at the French restaurant.

It was also without Buddy, who should return from suspension after murdering Trent Cotchin in a cowardly fashion a few weeks ago.  

Personally, I think once you’ve kicked a thousand goals, you should be allowed to punch anyone you want. Just go for it.

It would really give players an incentive to score more, which is what the AFL always says they want.

Swans to win.

West Coast vs. Geelong (OS) 4:35pm  Fox Footy

Now hear me out. What if West Coast played 11 home games in Perth, and then 11 games in Tasmania each year?

That way, Tassie would get a team and this plan would fast-track West Coast’s recovery and give its supporters hope.

Is it a terrible idea?

Yes, it is a terrible idea.

I do have another suggestion, what if Geelong just sent a single representative to Perth this weekend to collect the four points in a small ceremony?

It seems silly to send the entire team and the money saved could be given to a charity, like West Coast Fans Who Have Watched All Their Games This Year.

Lord knows they need all the help they can get.

Geelong to win.

Greater Western Sydney vs. Western Bulldogs (GS) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

It’s 13th taking on 10th in a battle that will draw mild interest from some footy fans.

The Giants defeated North Melbourne last week, with their players managing to not be overawed by the crowd of 13,742.

Playing North may seem like a fun thing to do, but it’s like training with really light weights, it doesn’t help you get ready for the heavy ones.

Despite their problems, the Bulldogs are not North, and have occasionally even pulled together a quarter or so of very good football.

Obviously, they’ll be without Bailey Smith, who once again reminded people to not get photographed with white powder.

The other option is to do what I do, and that’s to make sure that in every photo taken of me I’m holding my lucky small bag of white flour.

I say 'I better get out my lucky small bag of flour', really loudly as the photo is being taken.

People now know I do this, so I can easily sneak in cocaine sometimes and no one suspects a thing.

I’m tipping the Giants.

Sunday

Gold Coast vs. Adelaide (Metricon) 3:20pm Fox Footy

One of the things I’ve liked about the Suns this year, is they are not constantly losing.

It’s a bold new direction for the club and even has them in the mix to sneak into the eight.

With Melbourne looking like dropping out, one spot looks up for grabs in the eight, and the Suns get a win here against the Crows, which puts them in a very good position.

It’s not that Adelaide has been bad this year, it’s that they’ve been slightly worse than bad.

The last time the Crows beat an AFL side was on April 23. That’s not good.

Suns to win.

Bye: Brisbane, Collingwood, North Melbourne, Hawthorn, Fremantle and Melbourne

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

COMMENTS

FULL MOON OVER NUNAWADING

Jun 16, 2022

^^^^^It would really give players an incentive to score more, which is what the AFL always says they want.^^^^^^

There's are even simpler ways: (a) set the goal posts one metre further apart and/or (b) make a goal worth 10 points.

With (a) we could get back to how it was in the 1980's when a team could kick 20 goals and still lose. With (b) we wouldn't necessarily have to use a calculator to work out how many points 13.11 added up to.

Con Cushion

Jun 16, 2022

Turn it up Titus ... Bailey makes a beautiful rustic sourdough with his white powder and yeast; the only indiscression he didn't admit to! Con.

Scott

Jun 16, 2022

As a red-and-blue-blooded British descendant, surely Titus you should be blaming The Fracas on the French?

Munter

Jun 16, 2022

Scott - Irish not British, surely?

Or do Melbourne supporters automatically have their pedigrees upgraded to blue-blooded Englishmen?

The g train

Jun 16, 2022

I have been asked: how is it you know so much about footy and everything else?

I tell ‘em I read Titus’s highly unhelpful guide to the upcoming AFL round. Gives me everything I need to know about footy, and much else besides. Today: “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” Searched it and it’s from Hindu scripture. One then digs deeper into such things. I’m now well versed in Hindu scripture. And atomic physics. And so it goes.

Talking about death and destruction: The Suns v The Crows. This could get very ugly for Adelaide. Gold Coast are a different team this season.

Bryce Simpson

Jun 16, 2022

Nice work as always, Titus. And nice work at the Hall of Fame shindig the other night.

Gordon Thomson

Jun 16, 2022

As a long suffering Eagles supporter, I'm hoping that Gellong decide to honour their long standing tradition of losing after the bye...

However, I'm not sure any club (other than the Colliwobbles apparently) are currently skilful enough at losing to challenge us 🤣

JuliansPostie

Jun 16, 2022

Full Moon. It's 89 points. You're welcome.

Hoon

Jun 16, 2022

To be fair, with probably the best game on paper being on a Thursday, perhaps Friday night deserves a bye this round too.

PROSTATE WITH EXHAUSTION

Jun 16, 2022

MUNTER:
"Or do Melbourne supporters automatically have their pedigrees upgraded to blue-blooded Englishmen?"

Ouch.

Garry Irwin

Jun 16, 2022

Thank you Titus for your honesty about the Mighty Blues. Several of your reasons hit the nail on the head for some of us who probably do the same thing with our mates and the teams they support.

Running Dog

Jun 16, 2022

The little white flour bag has never fooled anyone, Titus. In years past I've seen Melbourne's entire supporter base luxuriating in white powder, up at Mt Buller.

David

Jun 16, 2022

So G Train, was that a Vonnegut reference?
So it goes.

Mike Yanagita

Jun 16, 2022

This week’s edition proves a theory I’ve had for a while - that the bye rounds produce some of your best work.

In that you have enough talent for 6 rounds per week, but less so 9.

In a similar way, I’m concerned about the addition of TAS and probably NT, given the talent pool as it stands has produced both WC and NM.

But mostly I’m concerned what a further game per week would mean for the weekly dose…

saint peter

Jun 16, 2022

Re Wc v Gee. Your methods of getting the 4 points appear unnecessary. Trust Australia Post to send the 4 points from Perth to Geelong. Then again maybe you don't trust AP to deliver anything before the season ends.

The g train

Jun 16, 2022

DAVID: yes, I guess “as it goes” was an (unintended) Vonnegut reference. Not quite as darkly comical as Vonnegut may have intended—but rather fatalistically accepting that reading Titus’s footy columns will draw and lead you into uncomfortable and challenging realms of knowledge.

Dees Tragic

Jun 16, 2022

@Mike Yanagita - Fortunately for Titus, a 19th team means a bye for one team every week, thus not increasing his workload, nor sending his fine form into decline.

Love ya work, Titus. Just wondering where I can donate some of my spare Winnimere cheese to the West Coast Fans Who Have Watched All Their Games This Year charity?

BLOKE FROM THE OUTER

Jun 16, 2022

The AFL is beyond peak stupid. They whinge about the crowds and then put the biggest drawcard on a Thursday night only made worse by the appalling weather. Two of the biggest drawing clubs would have filled the joint on a Friday night or, god forbid, a Saturday afternoon.

BLOKE FROM THE OUTER

Jun 16, 2022

G TRAIN - I know that you've now absorbed the Bhagavad-Gita thanks to Titus; but, the quote was famously used by Oppenheimer, which has even greater resonance given what would happen to the wonderful city of Melbourne if Carlton were to win the premiership.

Jim Tilbrook's Cheque

Jun 16, 2022

I think we are approaching peak Titus. Any football column that manages to reference the Bhagavid-Gita, Oppenheimer and Kurt Vonnegut Junior, without in any way proving helpful in terms of tipping, is something to be treasured. I suspect Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle is contributing to his legendary inaccuracy in that pastime.

Kangas

Jun 17, 2022

This column appears to be a helpful place. I seemed to have lost Mr Schrödinger's cat, so I don't know whether to put food out or not.

Okay

Jun 17, 2022

As others have said, Geelong have an exceptionally good record at losing after the bye round - however the last two years they have magically found a win after the bye. Maybe the only positive thing to happen at Geelong since the COVID pandemic began.
Meanwhile, if anyone was going to lose to West Coast I'd almost be willing to bet my house on it being Geelong. Or, at least, I would if I could afford to actually buy a house as a 'Cusper' of the Gen Z and Millennial generations...

Das

Jun 24, 2022

Hey Kangas, have you checked in the box? He might be in there.

Or not

Leave a comment

We promise to never share your email with anyone else.