The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round One.

Thursday

Richmond vs Carlton (MCG) 7:25pm Seven

Of course, I waited until the last minute to write this. If the AFL can wait until the last minute to announce whether the round is going ahead, I can wait too, after all, being lazy, I’m not doing anything more than I actually have to.

Plus, my motivation at the moment is low. Having all my paid work for the year pretty much wiped out, I’m handling it through excessive napping.

If napping was an Olympic sport, I would win a gold medal and the good news is, the Olympics are apparently still going ahead, as is the AFL.

Personally, I’m pretty thrilled the footy is still on, we need some normalcy at the moment, and I’ve spent the last few days talking to people who either have lost their jobs or are about to.

Imagine if the politicians who have slashed funding to science in the past few years and have been slow to react to this thing, were also in danger of losing their jobs? I bet we’d see a lot more direct financial assistance flowing far quicker.

It seems the best approach if you’ve lost your job is to quickly start an airline and then watch the government support role in.

So, in this time of great uncertainty, we at least get one thing we can count on, Carlton losing to Richmond in the opening game of the season.

Friday

Western Bulldogs vs Collingwood (MS) 7:50pm Seven

Should the footy be going ahead? Well the AFL can only rely on the advice of the health experts and the government and trying to keep people in jobs should be a priority along with health, you’ve got to balance both as much as you can.

Cutting the quarters to 16 minutes plus time on is fine I guess; I just hope it doesn’t become permanent.

I’m not sure the chances of this season going the distance are good, however. Every time I open Twitter something else is being cancelled, I tried not opening Twitter but that didn’t seem to work either.

If we have no sport and am stuck at home, what are we meant to do? Ready books? Better ourselves? No thank you.

If we can keep the footy going, we at least have a chance of Collingwood having a bad season, which is the morale booster we truly need at the moment.

I’m tipping the Pies to win this one, however.

Saturday

Essendon vs Fremantle (MS) 1:45pm Foxtel

Given we are talking about Fremantle, a reminder to stop panic buying toilet paper.

The only thing I got at the supermarket on my last trip was some practice in hand to hand combat.

Remember that innocent time when the only thing we talked about at this time of year was how early they’d brought back Easter eggs and hot cross buns?

Those were the days.

There were lots of things I liked about the days before Coronavirus. Like being able to go to the shops and there were things in the meat section and the toilet paper aisle. 

I also like that there wasn’t an air of panic when someone tried to talk to you. Actually, I always felt a sense of panic then.

Essendon fans will probably be hoping the season is cancelled because then they would have an excuse for not winning a final.

Fremantle fans are always happy not to have a season.

Essendon to win.

Adelaide vs Sydney (AO) 4:35pm Foxtel

Probably the most surreal thing about this round will be watching the footy being played in front of empty stands.

I’d suggest playing crowd noises, but I worry the person playing them would accidentally play the Richmond theme song during this, triggering the Crows players.

Not going to the football sucks, it was the only time I enjoyed leaving the house. I know staying at home is safer, but it’s not without its own risks.

Across the country, stuck at home, people are in real danger of having to engage with their families. Harrowing conversations with children about what they care about are ahead.

People are in real danger of learning about their spouse and children’s’ hopes and dreams.  

Divorces will skyrocket.

And where is the government on this? Non-sport related conversations should be banned.

Crows to win.

Greater Western Sydney vs Geelong (GS) 7:25pm Seven

It’s fun to make jokes about the Giants having no fans, mainly because it upsets GWS fans, but even they have more people than are legally allowed to gather.

Perhaps the scariest thing is that even a Greater Western Sydney crowd is considered too big.

Mocking the size of a Giant’s crowd is now a relic of a simpler time.

Perhaps even worse is the impact the financial collapse will have on the Geelong Football Club. It may be a decade until they will be showered again with government grants for being surrounded by various marginal seats. Gold plating Kardinia Park may now be decades away.

I imagine the Giants players will be thrilled to get back to playing, they haven’t played a proper game since the Preliminary Final.

Giants to win.

Gold Coast vs Port Adelaide (MS) 7:25pm Foxtel

My interest in previewing these games gets less as I go along, as the odds of these things going ahead gets less and less.

Plus, this one involves Gold Coast and Port, a match up that couldn’t even win over the Chinese, notorious AFL fanatics.

Port Adelaide’s whole sponsorship strategy is in trouble with China’s problems, and I can’t help but wonder if the virus is punishment for sending them Port Adelaide.

Gold Coast would have been right a few weeks ago believing this season couldn’t possibly be as bad as last year, but that’s how life works, the basement is always deeper than the ceiling is high.

A year of not watching the Suns would have been a blessed relief, now we don’t even get that.

Power to win.

Sunday

North Melbourne vs St Kilda (MS) 1:10pm Foxtel

With all the uncertainty going on, it’s important to only get information from credible sources.

Currently, the best sources about the science of the virus and how to handle it, are: 

·      Bec Judd

·      That guy you know who just re-watched Contagion

·      Whatever your aunty is posting on Facebook

Stick to these and you should get through.

Obviously, the real tragedy is that Juddchella may not go ahead this year, denying us all the chance to mock something together. Sad.

I’d come up with some jokes about North and the Saints but I’m trying to figure out how to pay my bills, so I’m a bit distracted.

North to win.

Hawthorn vs Brisbane (MCG) 3:20pm Seven

Somehow this is all Hawthorn’s fault. I’m not sure how but I’ll figure it out.

I used to think the Hawk’s threepeat was the worst thing I’d ever live through. It still is. 

Brisbane would have been looking forward to this season, after their rather stunning rise.

That’s the problem with this situation, we don’t know how long it will go for, and we can’t plan much.

Humans don’t do well when we don’t have something to look forward to. It makes us lack a sense of purpose. It’s why BT being unable to call the footy is not even cheering us up.

Let’s all agree, when this is over, we’re going to have the biggest party this world has ever seen. It’s going to last months.

Lions to win.

West Coast vs Melbourne (OS) 6:20pm Foxtel

Perhaps the only real winners in all this are Melbourne, who don’t have to face their nemesis, Eagles supporters.

An empty Perth Stadium should see the free kick count approach something close to fair.

As a Melbourne supporter, I can’t believe it’s this season and not all the others this virus has impacted.

Many a year I’ve prayed for the season to end early.

This year the Dees actually worked hard in preseason, a new approach and one that may now go unrewarded.

I’m tipping the Eagles.

Stay safe everyone. We’re in this together, although separately at the same time.

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