Apr 30, 2021


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Seven


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Seven.


Richmond vs Western Bulldogs (MCG) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

The Tigers last week proved Melbourne’s credentials, now this week they get to do the same for the undefeated Bulldogs.

That’s the problem with being the premiers, everyone wants to take you down. It’s another reason to never succeed, no one bothers you then.

Adding to the Tigers woes is the absence of Dust Martin, who is in New Zealand while he recovers from concussion.

Martin decided to take the risk of being stuck in the Land of the Long White Cloud if there’s a Covid outbreak.

Personally, being stuck in New Zealand sounds like a nice option if last week’s performance is any indication of Richmond’s form for the rest of the season.

Not that I think that’s likely. The Tigers might be a dip below their best but writing them off seems foolish at this point.

I’m sure the Bulldogs are not thinking any such thing.

After all, last year the Tigers used a 41-point smashing of the Bulldogs to get their season going.

This year though, things look a little different. The Bulldogs haven’t lost a game all year, which suggests to me that they may be a very good team.

There is a very strong correlation between winning and being a good team. It’s almost like winning is the main aim of football, something that often gets lost in the media analysis of statistics, trades and drafting.

I would even go as far to say that wins may be the most important stat in footy, after meters games and kicks while thinking about why The Matrix trilogy went downhill so quickly.

Bulldogs to win.


Collingwood vs Gold Coast (MCG) 1:45pm Fox

The footy world’s collective sadness over the struggles at Collingwood just shows how supportive footy fans are of each other.

With the club sitting in 17th position, the week was dominated of course by whether Port Adelaide could wear their ‘prison bar jumper’.

I would hazard to guess that’s not the most important issue for Pies supporters at the moment, who would prefer to hear more about what the club is doing to stop them sucking harder than one of those whiz-bang vacuums that cost more than a car.

A game against the Suns would seem like a chance to get a much-needed win, but the Gold Coast beat the Swans last week with a high-intensity pressure that must have Pies fans concerned.

I’ve actually been surprised how restrained Pies fans have been so far about their teams plunge into awfulness.

A loss here and things might get ‘hectic’ as the kids say. At least I think that’s what the kids say. I can’t really keep up anymore. Kids could say anything is a new saying and I’d believe them.

This is partly getting old, but it’s mainly due to not really caring about other people, regardless of their age.

Pies to win.

Adelaide vs Greater Western Sydney (AO) 2:10pm Fox

I’m still not sure why the Crows decided to let Hawthorn win last week. Perhaps they just didn’t feel like winning. All of us have some level of self-sabotaging behaviour built into us, mainly as a defence mechanism against getting hurt.

At least that’s what the guy the court made me talk to told me.

Sometimes it’s realising that you deserve to win.

Not the Crows though, they only deserve to win on occasion.

That goes for the Giants too. They only deserve to win sometimes.

Jesse Hogan will make his debut for the Giants, and it will be interesting to see if the third time is the charm for him.

Hogan has said he struggled with the intense focus in Melbourne and Perth on AFL players, so being in Western Sydney should really sort that all out, given the majority of people there are unaware there is even an AFL team there.

I think the Crows will win this, but I’ll be nervous if they’re 32 points up in the third quarter.

St Kilda vs Hawthorn (MS) 4:35pm Fox

The Saints have quietly gone about building one of the most awful seasons in recent memory.

A truly awful season needs to start with the belief that things should go well that year, only then to plunge the depths of the ladder.

Watching your team miss easy handballs and turnover the footy so regularly it seems like they think it’s the aim of the game is one of the most painful experiences in life.

It’s right up there with puberty and watching Kane Cornes and Eddie McGuire ‘debate’ each other.

For Hawthorn, this is a chance of a consecutive win. This was once something not considered exciting at the Hawks. They used to only get excited about consecutive premierships.

It just goes to show you how tough life is.

Hawks to win.

Sydney vs Geelong (SCG) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

I’m still a bit perplexed with Geelong’s rather brutal destruction of West Coast last week.

It really came out of nowhere. Like listening to Channel Seven’s footy commentary and thinking ‘that was actually an insightful comment.’

The big question is, how much of that was Geelong and how much of it was the Eagles playing like a group of the most uncoordinated people in the world had all been press-ganged into playing footy?

It’s probably in the middle somewhere.

The Swans have shown they can play great football but losing the expansion double against the Giants and the Suns has taken the gloss off the season a bit.

That’s the problem when you have a team full of young people, they can be erratic.

Unlike old people, who are never erratic, just look at the Federal Parliament backbench for example.

I’m tipping the Swans.

Brisbane vs Port Adelaide (G) 7:25pm Fox

Brisbane have not had a lot of luck in 2021, and this week was no different, with Lachie Neale having surgery on his ankle, meaning he’ll miss eight weeks.

Dayne Zorko said in response, "We're not really a Lachie Neale midfield-based team.”

But they are a bit. I’ve always thought that having better players is preferable to having not as good players.

This ‘next player up’ talk is all well and good, but it really does rely on the next person up not being a huge liability.

I mean, if a pilot passes out mid flight, ‘next person up’ doesn’t really work if no one onboard has flown a plane before.

Port have a few injuries but none of them are Brownlow medallists. That’s the problem with having Brownlow medallists, they can get injured.

It’s sometimes better not to have them.

The Power spent the week being told what they can’t wear, which is something I didn’t know you were allowed to do anymore in 2021.

The jumper debate has gone on so long it would be exhausting if I cared about it in any way.

There was even talk of it going to court, which seems something a court really should be spending its time on.

My big take out of the debate this week is that Eddie McGuire has forgotten he’s no longer Collingwood President.

Port to win.


North Melbourne vs Melbourne (BA) 1:10pm Fox

Say what you like about Melbourne’s strong start to the season, the fact remains they are still winless in Tasmania this season.

That’s the true measure of a team.

The Dees proved themselves last week, but the problem in the AFL is you have to keep proving yourself.

Not this week of course, this is against North who are not chasing a premiership but a solitary win.

Adding to North’s woes, they’ve just flown back from hotspot Perth, and have had to quarantine for a lot of this week.

Ben Brown will also debut for Melbourne against his old side who didn’t want him, apparently because his ability to play football isn’t part of their strategy.

Brown has been playing in the VFL, so while this is a step down for him, I expect him to be thrilled to finally get in the senior side.

Melbourne to win.

Essendon vs Carlton (MCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

People have been talking excitedly about Essendon’s rebuild, which I don’t understand.

They are 2-4, the same as Carlton, and while they’ve had some moments, I’d hardly say they’ve given us reasons to trust them that this time is different.

Carlton’s main news is their President Mark LoGiudice stepped down this week, which shocked some people, which was strange given he was about to reach his 12-year-term limit for a board member.

There’s probably no less surprising stepping down in the history of Carlton.

New President Luke Sayers now has the small task of turning around twenty plus years of on-field ineptitude. No pressure.

The thing about tipping this game is both sides have shown an almost supernatural ability to let their fans down.

As Gorilla Monsoon used to say, ‘it’s the meeting of the irresistible force and the immovable object.’

I’m tipping the Bombers.

West Coast vs Fremantle (OS) 4:40pm Fox

The Western Derby is always a fun game, and it’s a chance for the Eagles to bounce back from embarrassing themselves last week against Geelong.

If they needed any further motivation, Shannon Hurn will become the Eagles' games record holder on Sunday in his 291st AFL game.

The Dockers haven’t won the Derby since April 19, 2015. That’s not ideal. They’ve even been trying to win the Derby in this time.

One of the big issues the Dockers have had during this ten-game losing streak is that they’ve let the Eagles score more points than them in each of their games.

If they are any chance to win on Sunday, the Dockers must score points than the Eagles, there’s no other path to victory I can see.

Can they do it?


You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus



Apr 30, 2021

Please stop tipping the Swans to win, it's absolutely the kiss of death.

Terry Ryan

Apr 30, 2021

"...to win...the Dockers must score more points than the Eagles". GOLD!

Grant Ferstat

Apr 30, 2021

I wish I shared your optimism about West Coast. I think we're possibly the most overrated team in the AFL. There are only about half a dozen players in the squad who have a soul and 4 of them are out injured.

I'm hoping that my Freo supporting fans will remember how gracious even been after the 10 Derbies we've won in a row when they bring that run to an end on Sunday. Will they?



Apr 30, 2021

I’m a Blues member but Carlton’s “supernatural ability” will prevail. 🙄


Apr 30, 2021

"Brown has been playing in the VFL, so while this is a step down for him ...."

Playing my beloved North Melbourne. It's funny because it's true. We're far from VFL level.

Grant Watkins

Apr 30, 2021

Titus - you're comments about Ben Brown are pure GOLD mate! HAHahaaaa Go Dee's!

Col from Collingwood

Apr 30, 2021

The Gorilla Monsson quote - added some class

Dockers Tragic

Apr 30, 2021

No McGovern is a huge out, given the Toasters' entire defensive structure pivots around him.

And Freo won't have to worry about the full horde of booing morons being at the ground.

If ever the Eagles were there for the taking, this is the week.

The g train

Apr 30, 2021

“The Saints have quietly gone about building one of the most awful seasons in recent memory.” And to think that just a few months ago, Melb and STK supporters were very close Brothers in Pain. Now, the Melb mob can’t seperate themselves from STK fans quickly enough. The earth turns slowly, but the Saint is patient. Always remember that, O once-brother Melb supporters. And contrary to popular belief, the Saint never forgives and never forgets.

Running Dog

Apr 30, 2021

Whiz-bang vacuums are often on sale at ridiculous prices- but I wouldn't get sucked in.


Apr 30, 2021

Titus your comments brighten up my Friday and the rest of the weekend :-)


Apr 30, 2021

The last time Collingwood 17th it was on a list ranking reading age ability


Apr 30, 2021

Geelong - too many pensioners in the bingo hall down at K park….


Apr 30, 2021

@Nick - who were behind them - the NRL?


Apr 30, 2021

I’d love to see Port Adelaide run out in skins. Can the fined by the AFL for that surely? Plus it would bring more women to the TV audience .


Apr 30, 2021

Is it just me, or does JB speak only in statements?


Apr 30, 2021

Kane Cornes and Eddie 'debating' is the closest anything being discussed in AFL circles could be considered a fair fight in terms of a battle of halfwits where both are equally armed.

Halftime Spray

Apr 30, 2021

churgoyle (n): a battle of wits conducted by halfwits; a debate in which both sides are wrong


Apr 30, 2021

Spot on Titus. Does anyone really care about this tedious and annual "prison bars" argument.
If it is so vital to Port Adelaide, let them return to the SANFL and wear it every week.

By the way GWS are the sole Sydney team.
Created in Sydney nor relocated to Sydney.

Tasmanians beware: if men on suits from the AFL come knocking with an offer of a Tassie team - you may be given another clapped out Melbourne team, too!
At least the Kangaroos can play out of Launceston and still proclaim to be the Northern (Tassie) Kangaroos.

Michael Waugh

May 01, 2021

Hi Titus

As an Essendon supporter, thrilled to finally have clean air. No Joey speculation, no Raz speculation. Losing Saad not ideal, but Hind has proved a more than handy addition. New coach. And finally we are playing the kids and we love what we are seeing, wins and loses aside. Go Dons.


May 01, 2021

As a hardened Dees fan, I’m cautiously optimistic this weekend. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they still found a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.


May 01, 2021

Titus, could you use your considerable power and influence to get the tv broadcasters to turn the umpire mikes down considerably or even off? It turned Into a game of blow the whistle and yell “stand” with some blokes kicking a ball around in the background. Its even louder than BT.!


May 01, 2021

@macca the Giants were not created in Sydney they were created in the AFL marketing department.