Apr 29, 2022
A highly unhelpful guide to Round Seven
The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.
It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Seven.
West Coast vs. Richmond (OS) 8:10pm Seven/Fox
All praise for the floating fixture, which gives the AFL the ability to schedule the big blockbusters on a Friday night!
They’ve really nailed this one; can a team that is barely competitive beat a side who probably won’t finals?
That’s the question I know every footy fan has been asking this week.
And who isn’t excited to see which players are going to play for West Coast?
It’s like pass the parcel, it’s a surprise what you’ll get, except unlike the modern version of pass the parcel, in the West Coast version no one wins.
With such a bad Friday night game, it’s interesting the TV rights are a big story this week.
It’s always good to hear what the TV networks want, a Friday game that starts way to late, a night Grand Final the majority of fans don’t want, and having Wayne Carey on television for some reason.
You never hear the AFL talking about what the fans want.
The argument is that the TV and streaming networks are the ones that hand over the billions of dollars not the fans.
But how do they get those billions of dollars? Through advertisers. And why do advertisers give the networks, money? To access fans.
Funny how that bit always gets left out of the debate. Without the fans, there is no money.
It’s why the field hockey TV rights aren’t a big point of discussion.
It might be worth the AFL and the TV networks thinking about the fans just a little bit, as annoying as they both find them.
Tigers to win.
Geelong vs. Fremantle (GMHBA) 1:45pm Fox Footy
It’s hard to know which team will knock Geelong out of the finals this season, but Fremantle have put itself in the conversation based on their early form.
This isn’t a final however and is in Geelong, meaning the Cats are a real chance to win.
Matt Taberner and Sean Darcy are big outs for this, and yes, as promised I’ve learnt their names!
Unfortunately, knowing the names of players is a sure-fire way to ensure you’ll never be a Channel Seven commentator.
Patrick Dangerfield will miss again due to his injured calf but despite this, he’ll still be mentioned by the commentators more than some players who are on the field.
To be honest, this game has shaken me a bit. It made me realise I’m not providing you with the deep football insights you need.
This is because I read this sentence in another preview this week:
According to Champion Data numbers shown on AFL 360, the Dockers are ranked first in the competition at switching the ball yet 18th for moving the footy ‘down the line’.
I recognise most of the words in that sentence, but their meaning escapes me.
The only stats I have for you is two Geelong fans told me they don’t like Chris Scott this week, and the only Freo fan I spoke to reckons the Dockers are just setting her up for heartbreak.
Geelong to win.
Adelaide vs. Greater Western Sydney (AO) 2:10pm Fox Footy
The Giants terrible 1-5 start to the season has been met by stunned apathy in Sydney.
Not even the return of Toby Greene hasn’t instantly led to the Giants becoming a premiership threat, proving he’s not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.
Perhaps the main reason the Giants are struggling is they are ranked something in the competition at switching the ball yet something else for moving the footy ‘down the line’.
Adelaide are having a great season, compared to their recent standards, although they lost Erin Phillips this week, prompting them to refer to Port Adelaide as an “expansion club” in a tweet.
I don’t know about you, put petty arguments between footy clubs online being written up as legitimate news stories is something I’m all for.
Remember when we cared about things like a global pandemic and being locked in our houses?
Caring about a tweet the Adelaide Crows sent out is what I’m here for.
Crows to win.
Melbourne vs. Hawthorn (MCG) 4:35pm Fox Footy
The minute the media started talking nonsense about Melbourne going through the season undefeated, I knew trouble was coming.
I mean, I know a reverse jinx when I see one.
So of course, here comes a bout of Covid, with Simon Goodwin to miss this game, and Luke Jackson, Kysaiah Pickett, Harrison Petty and Tom Sparrow all outs.
This is all very amusing when it happens to West Coast, but this is my team! What are the AFL doing about this?
Really, the fact AFL House hasn’t cured Covid is damning, just as they haven’t fixed the illicit drug problem in society.
Holding the AFL account for not fixing global problems is one of my favourite things to do.
We really must ask who benefits from the covid outbreak at Melbourne? The answer of course is Hawthorn.
Can we really rule out their involvement in this? There’s no evidence I’m aware of that clears them.
And if I asked you what club is most likely to conduct germ warfare, what would your answer be?
That’s right, after Carlton, it’s Hawthorn.
I’m tipping the Dees.
St Kilda vs. Port Adelaide (Cazalys) 7:25pm Seven/Fox
Port Adelaide are yet to defeat an AFL side this season and travelling into St Kilda’s heartland of Far North Queensland is another tough ask.
It’s perfect conditions in Cairns this Saturday for footy, with a temperature of 28 and the humidity getting down as low as 77%.
Port’s win in the WAFL has people talking about a turnaround, and by ‘people’, I mean a guy in the comments of an article I read this week.
Remember when the comments section of a footy article was the unhinged part? Now I find it’s often more sensible than a lot of the articles they’re commentating on.
A loss to St Kilda would certainly make finals a near impossibility, dare I say it, Port are already creeping into the ‘still mathematically possible’ zone.
And St Kilda are good. I mean, there’s always a sense with the Saints something could go wrong, like driving a Ford GT around a track, it can be fun, but there’s always a sense you’re about to spin out of control and the thing is going to maim you.
I’m tipping the Saints.
Carlton vs. North Melbourne (MS) 7:25pm Fox Footy
There’s been talk this week that North Melbourne might request a priority pick, something North denies.
They point out it’s only round seven. This is true, and there’s always a chance things will improve, but then, like this rash I’ve got, things can also get embarrassingly worse. To the point even your doctor can’t hide their shock.
But I digress.
A priority pick basically means the best players go to the worst clubs.
In many ways, it's like Tinder's algorithm, in which the best people are matched with the worst.
Carlton should win this, but then, it would be so on-brand that after a good start, followed by some disappointing performances, they lost this one.
I’m tipping the Blues because that certainly couldn’t happen, right Blues fans? Right?
Collingwood vs. Gold Coast (MCG) 1:10pm Fox Footy
There’s been a lot of debate this week (which means a couple of tweets and someone talking about it on radio) about changing the centre bounces.
This was in response to Brodie Grundy suffering a PCL injury, putting him on the sidelines for months.
There’s even been talk of having a basketball-style jump ball, but is this safe enough?
There’s a sensible and simple solution to this, both ruckmen must wear those padded sumo suits.
Then, they can run into each other as much as they want, safe from injury, and watching people in those things is always amusing.
Now, I know it will be hard to get to the ruck contest around the ground in these things, which is where each team has a forklift that scoops up the ruckman and posits them at the next contest.
Forklifts are so safe kids can drive them and there’s bound to be a sponsorship opportunity in there.
How I’m not the favourite to be the next AFL CEO is beyond me.
Collingwood to win.
Western Bulldogs vs. Essendon (MS) 3:20pm Seven/Fox
This is two disappointing Victorian sides playing each other, so what the AFL call a ‘blockbuster’.
The weird thing about Essendon is their supporters are overly defensive, but their defence is not.
They’ve had more points kicked against them than any other team except North Melbourne.
Are the Bombers considering requesting a priority pick? It can’t hurt, but do we really want to consign a young kid to never winning a final?
The Bulldogs lost to the Crows last week, which sort of tells you everything you need to know.
The Doggies seem to have got Melbourne’s premiership hangover, which is annoying, like being the designated driver for someone who got really drunk and you end up with the hangover.
I’m tipping the Doggies.
Sydney vs. Brisbane (SCG) 4:40pm Fox Footy
Finally, we get a game that should tell us a bit about the Premiership race so it’s the twilight game on a Sunday. The floating fixture works again!
The Swans look like getting back Tom Papley, which is more than a bit handy, after coming off an impressive win against the Hawks.
John Longmire was angry this week about the footage of Paddy McCartin in the locker room after his concussion.
But who doesn’t want to see AFL players injured and at their lowest point? What’s that? No one?
Here’s a novel thought, why not show what’s happening on the field? Fans seem to really like that, but I know that’s not what drives footy television coverage.
As for Brisbane, this is a true test, at the SCG, against a top side.
It’s hard to win at the SCG, as it’s much smaller than a lot of other AFL grounds.
To put it in perspective, you could put three SCGs in the forward fifty of the MCG.
That’s just a fact. I’ve conducted my own research on this issue.
I’m tipping the Swans.
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