The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Six. 

Wednesday

Richmond vs Melbourne (MCG) Seven & Fox 7:35pm all time AEST

I haven’t even got over last Saturday’s calamity, and now I have to watch Melbourne play an in-form Richmond? 

There was a period in my life when I was happy; it was when I was too young to fully understand what being a Melbourne fan is like.

How I long for those days when the full misery of my situation was beyond my youthful comprehension.

Saturday’s loss left me feeling so low that a defeat here and I don’t know how I’ll cope. 

I guess I’ll cope the way I always cope, through drinking and sobbing uncontrollably while repeating the phrase ‘now we’re at rock bottom, the only way is up, now we’re at rock bottom, the only way is up’.

The good news for the Demons is they won’t have to play two games in five days given they skipped Saturday’s game.

Richmond have done what Melbourne could not; rebound after a shaky start, and with a lot more injuries.

They’ve done this by having more than a passing interest in the game, something the Demons have struggled with.

Richmond have shown flashes of their 2017 pressure, a worrying thing for the rest of us. They were actually pretty good that year if you judge teams by premierships, which I still do being a traditionalist.

I can’t see Melbourne winning this. They were slower than the movie Meet Joe Black and Richmond have speed. 

Dees fans get two bouts of shame this week. Fun!

Thursday

Essendon vs Collingwood (MCG) Seven & Fox 3:20pm

The AFL’s spectacular ability to read the mood of the community was on display again this week with them booking the band ‘Birds of Tokyo’ to perform before this game.

The community backlash served one purpose; it taught those at AFL House that Japan were in some way involved in World War Two. 

“I thought Hitler was German,” could be heard at AFL House as they read the social media response.

Personally, I prefer just the footy as the entertainment and the rest being focused on the real reason for ANZAC Day, which I believe is still day of remembrance for Australians and New Zealanders "who served and died in all wars, conflicts, and peacekeeping operations".

It’s hard to tell though with all the sponsorship, sport and other tomfoolery that now seems to dominate the day.

Essendon and Collingwood are both in form as they meet again on the best blockbuster of the year, yes even better than the Bulldogs v Fremantle blockbuster on World Hepatitis Day.

The Bombers were fined $20,000 this week for selecting Joe Daniher from outside the emergencies last week. The money will go towards the AFL’s charity of choice, their Christmas Party. The money will not only provide higher quality alcohol but help cover up several incidents that occur at the party.

Collingwood hit some scary form last week but in this crazy season, who knows if that lasts at all? 

I’m tipping Collingwood, but let’s be honest, nobody has a clue what’s going on this year.

Friday

Port Adelaide vs North Melbourne (AO) Seven & Fox 7:50pm

If this crazy season needed a poster child, it would be Port Adelaide who are as predictable as a teenager experiencing an intense bout of puberty.

Beating West Coast in Perth tells you they should be able to easily beat North Melbourne in Adelaide. But that’s what this season wants you to think. 

This season is playing mind games with us all. It wants us to now tip the crazy option, like North here. 

But North were terrible against Essendon. How terrible? Like Brad Scott doing a media conference after a loss terrible.

Against Port’s midfield, it’s possible North might not even touch the ball at all. 

I’m sure Brad Scott’s plan is to hope Port are just poor like they were against Richmond. But hoping your opponent is terrible is not a strategy, despite many coaches seeming to rely on it.

Jared Polec returns to face his old side in what must be a challenging trip. Like the time I went back to my old work, which was awkward due to all the things I’d posted about my old colleagues on Reddit.

A win here and Port would have a 4-2 record, setting themselves up perfectly for collapsing late in the season and narrowly missing out on the finals again.

Power to win.  

Saturday

Gold Coast vs Brisbane (Metricon) Fox 1:45pm

The Q Clash has rarely meant anything but this year it kind of, sort of, does mean something this year. I guess.

Both Queensland sides started the season well, but the Lions have gotten wobbly, and the Suns were terrible last round.

A win here sends one side to 4-2 and the other to 3-3. 

As always, bragging rights for who is the best Queensland side are on the line, like bragging rights to who has the best Ford Focus.

The Lions were exposed by Essendon and Collingwood who picked them apart like my university lecturer marking one of my hastily written essays.

Can the Lions prove their hot start was no fluke, are the Suns OK? I have no idea, the fact the Suns are 3-2 has proven me wrong in every way possible.

I’m tipping the Lions.

St Kilda vs Adelaide (MS) Fox 4:35pm

The Saints are the surprise packet of the season, playing good footy, kicking goals and winning, three things that were beyond them last season.

Why have they improved so much? Because the footy gods hate you personally and are using your footy tipping to tell you this.

I think it was the off-season coup of landing Dan Hannebery that’s turned this team around. He’s therefore been worth every penny.

Adelaide have been up and down this year, so like every other team.

Last round they had Eddie Betts to inspire them and perhaps his brother should offer to get a tattoo every single time Eddie kicks five or more. That could lead to a lot of tattoos and a Crows Premierships, so probably worth it. 

In terrible news for the Saints though, I’m tipping them. 

They should be fine; Adelaide’s forward line goes missing more often than my keys.

Sydney vs Great Western Sydney (SCG) Fox 7:25pm

Sydney needs to make adjustments to everything they are doing, and they should be fine.

Not since Eddie McGuire’s stint as Channel Nine CEO has something got off to as bad a start in Sydney as the Swans this season.

The Swans have defied gravity for so long it’s hard to get your head around the fact they might not be that good. But it feels like this is the year they miss finals, not the season they started 0-6 then pulled it together. 

What’s the reason behind their sudden decline? The loss of COLA? Tighter academy rules? 

I like to think it’s Sydney’s lock out laws. They’ve made it a lot harder to recruit players who don’t look forward to playing in a town that seems to be like the movie Footloose in reverse. 

The Giants were flat last game after their emotion-charged win over the Cats, losing to Fremantle, always a concerning sign.

Against the Swans, though I expect them to bounce back. 

Fremantle vs Western Bulldogs     (OS) Seven & Fox   8:10pm

Fresh off having Carlton put 100 points on the board, Bulldogs fans will be disappointed to discover their season continues. 

Losing to Carlton, and the way they did, had the Doggies fans filthier than when I discovered Foxel had lost the Premier League rights.

Heading over to Perth is the last thing the Bulldogs need. They would be better off heading to Bali for their end of season trip.

People said they Bulldogs are losing credibility, but can you lose something you don’t have?

Fremantle surprised everyone, especially their own supporters by defeating the Giants a few hours ago. 

David Mundy will play his 300^thgame this week, and he’s been such a good servant to the club that if they were a Victorian club, people would be paying attention to this milestone.

Fremantle to win.

Sunday

Hawthorn vs Carlton (UTS) Seven & Fox 3:20pm

The lid is off at Carlton, as they celebrate the one-game winning streak that has the whole league talking.

Unfortunately, you can’t play the Bulldogs every week, and they now face an AFL team.

Still, the youngsters at the Blues seem to really take the next step last week, and if they can build on that, their green shoots might become a small window sill garden.

Hawthorn were not terrible against the Cats, but they lacked the ability to go with them when Geelong put their foot down.

The Hawks have won 15 of their last 16 games against Carlton, which is a trend line that suggests Hawthorn have their measure.

This is in Tasmania, where the Hawks usually dominate, but this is season 2019, so none of the rules applies anymore and anything could happen, that said, I’m tipping the Hawks.

Geelong vs West Coast (GMHBA) Fox   4:40pm

This should be a great game, so the AFL have scheduled it for the Sunday twilight slot on Foxtel. Boy, they know how to promote the game.

The Cats are easily the most impressive team in the competition at the moment and playing the reigning Premiers in Geelong certainly helps.

Especially after the Eagles turned in a performance last week so tone def it could have been on an Australian Idol audition show.

You can’t write the Eagles totally off as they were good on the road last year and bounced back whenever they had a poor performance. 

The Cats though have a chance to prove they are the best side going around if they win this. 

Weirdly though, I think the Eagles will win here, but it’s more likely I’m just panic tipping, like the way West Coast played last week.

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