Jul 01, 2021

AFL

A highly unhelpful guide to Round Sixteen

15 Comments

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Sixteen.

Thursday

Gold Coast vs Richmond (MS) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Just a caveat to this round’s Unhelpful Guide, it will possibly be more unhelpful than usual.

How is that possible? Well, who knows where some of these games will be played?

Thanks to the continually evolving shambles that is Australia’s Covid response another season is in doubt, ironically, all the teams are now in the safe harbour of Victoria.

It makes sense too, if there’s one place known to be able to handle Covid outbreaks without shutting everything down, it’s Victoria.

You get the feeling this season is in real danger, given the vaccine rollout seems to be expensive, while also delivering few results.

This brings us to the Gold Coast, who once again are proving nothing grows in the sporting landscape that is the Gold Coast.

If you could sum up the Suns, it would be the scene in The Dark Knight where the Joker sets fire to an enormous pile of money.

The Suns get some help this week due to Richmond having more injuries than a kids trampolining centre.

The Tigers will be missing Noah Balta, Nathan Broad, Dion Prestia and Kane Lambert. They’re the sort of players that could help you win a premiership.

Richmond do get Tom Lynch back, a player that fled the Suns. How he’ll be regretting that move now.

Tigers to win.  

Friday

Geelong vs Essendon (GMHBA) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

The Cats copped a reality check last week at the hands of the Lions, who beat them so easily it made Geelong wish all their remaining games could be at home, a wish they look like getting.

If I was Chris Scott, I’d tell my team to not do what they did against Brisbane again and to play more like they did in the games they won.

I assume coaching is that easy, but then I’ve got no idea how to coach a team, given I can barely manage my own life.

Why last week it took me two hours to make a coffee because I went down a rabbit hole of 1990s music videos on YouTube.

Essendon’s loss to Melbourne last week was of course the umpires’ fault, but the problem is there are umpires in every single game.

The Bombers other problem last week is they kept kicking it to May and Lever like that was the plan. There were a few times they hit Lever up like he was their forward on a lead.

Deliver the ball forward like that again and it won’t matter what the umpires do. If I was an Essendon midfielder, I’d try to kick it to someone else in red and black.

Sorry, I said ‘kick’, I should have said ‘deliver by foot’ because that’s what people say now because people are idiots.

Cats to win.

Saturday

Melbourne vs Greater Western Sydney (MCG) 1:45pm Fox

The Giants managed to lose to Hawthorn last week, which is kind of the Giants thing these days, they are more inconsistent than vaccine advice.

That hardly makes them easy beats here, they can still beat the top sides, it just depends on which team shows up.

Any chance of playing finals means they need to keep winning, and they need to make finals, you can only rest on the laurels that you’re not the Suns for so long.

Melbourne looked very rusty after the bye last week, Essendon were good, but the Dees mangled a lot of opportunities.

But I’m not panicking, we Dees fans are an optimistic lot, always confident that things will turn out for the best.

One reason I’m confident the Dees could go all the way this season is that this season could fall over. It would be just my luck for the season my team could go all the way it gets cancelled.

See, optimism.

Dees to win.

Adelaide vs Brisbane (No idea) 4:35pm Fox

This is meant to be Adelaide Oval but could be played in Victoria given the situation in South Australia.

Having a heap of games in Victoria in the next few weeks could be a real boon for the sport.

It’s a chance to win over the three Victorians that don’t follow AFL.

I’m also glad the AFL can spend a few weeks focused on Victoria, something they so rarely do.

Is it possible the AFL engineered this virus to get all teams to come to Victoria and bring back the VFL?

It wouldn’t be the worst thing they’ve ever done, but the problem with any big conspiracy is the fact people are hopeless at two things, keeping their mouths shut and organising complicated things.

Adelaide’s season didn’t need an exodos from their home state, it needed about ten better players, but life in the time of Covid isn’t getting what you want, it’s having your hopes and dreams crushed in exciting new ways every few weeks.

Brisbane should be able to handle them here, the Lions looked excellent last week and that was against a good side.  

Fremantle vs Carlton (MCG) 7:40pm Fox

This will now be played at the MCG straight after the Melbourne-Giants game, a doubleheader!

Unfortunately, the crowd from that game will have to leave before this game starts. Such a shame, who wouldn’t want to watch the Dockers play Carlton?

Fremantle playing a home game at the MCG is a blow for the club, only offset by the fact it’s against Carlton.

This was potentially going to be played in Tasmania, but the Tasmanian government said no, due to Perth’s lockdown.

And Tasmanians say they want AFL, but not at the expense of introducing a novel coronavirus into their state? Weird right?

Carlton managed to not lose to Adelaide last week, ending a three-game losing streak and giving them a bit of a break before their next losing streak.

That losing streak will probably start here, and we’re all excited to see how long it goes for.

Hawthorn vs Port Adelaide (Marvel) 7:40pm Seven/Fox

Shaun Burgoyne plays his 400th game in just another highlight of his ridiculously successful career.

I mean, it is ridiculously good when you consider everything he’s done.

He’s one of only five players to reach the 400-game mark, (Kevin Bartlett, Michael Tuck, Dustin Fletcher and Brent Harvey being the others).

Thirty-five of those 400 games were finals matches, which is the second most behind Hawthorn legend Michael Tuck who played in 39.

Then you add he’s won four premierships and been a big game player and you have a career everyone dreams of.

And at 38 he’s still going. See, ridiculous.

And in his 400th game, he takes on his old team Port Adelaide.

Not that they’ll be keen to help him celebrate this with a win.

Despite Hawthorn’s mild resurgence, I can’t see them winning here, but Shaun Burgoyne might have something to say about that.

Sunday

Sydney vs West Coast (GMHBA) 1:10pm Fox

As someone who has gone through more lockdowns than is healthy, I feel for everyone in NSW and Western Australia, and everywhere else going through it at the moment.

I love a good bit of interstate rivalry when it comes to footy teams, but lockdowns suck so much I wouldn’t wish them on anyone.

Really, it shows that we’re all at the mercy of this virus and our various governments ability to stuff up. We’ve got more in common than not.

Not to mention this is hitting us all where it hurts most, it’s disrupting sport, which should never be allowed.

Yet the good news is because of the Victorian hub these teams get a trip to Geelong, so it’s not all bad. Both these teams have a chance to visit Geelong’s Town Hall, Victoria's oldest surviving wooden building. What a thrill.

West Coast were terrible last week, and the idea they won’t be able to play at home for a few weeks would be worrying them.

It won’t be worrying their fans, not having to sit through last week’s game was a blessing, missing any more of that would be welcomed.

I’ve got no idea who is going to win this. The Swans are a bit all over the place currently, and the Eagles have been rather horrifying.

I’m tipping the Swans because heads came up when I flipped the coin.

Collingwood vs St Kilda (MCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

I’m still trying to figure out what happened last Friday when the Saints held Richmond to two goals.

It’s just weird, right? Like the footy gods were just playing with our minds. And our tips.

I mean, surely a tanking probe needs to be launched into Richmond? Or into St Kilda’s season up to that game.

Could it be that St Kilda just needed 14 rounds to warm up?

Collingwood’s search for a new coach continues while they play out the season.

Apparently, they’re casting the net wide, which they’ll need to given they’re not good at hitting targets.

I’m tipping the Saints.

Western Bulldogs vs North Melbourne (Marvel) 4:40pm Fox

North are coming off a win, which I’ve only been able to write twice this year, so that’s fun.

They added to the Gold Coast misery last week in the ‘loser goes to Tasmania’ match.

Now they face the Dogs who took apart the Eagles last week. It’s not all smooth sailing for the Doggies, however.

Adam Treloar could miss the rest of the season after ‘complications’ following his ankle surgery.

I think it’s a bit cruel the AFL listed him on Collingwood’s injury list.

The Doggies should have no trouble winning here, their only worry is Melbourne doesn’t go into lockdown in the next few days. But what are the odds of that? 

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

COMMENTS

Fat Side

Jul 01, 2021

"people are idiots"
Love it! - you've finally given us a tip we can rely upon.

Gary B

Jul 01, 2021

Love the Silk. He'll pass all of those others before he retires at 43

Glenn

Jul 01, 2021

Sadly as a Dees supporter I have though the same thing, that the season would implode right when we are top of the ladder.

The g train

Jul 01, 2021

Scientists say that unhelpfulness is bounded; that there is a limit to just how unhelpful a guide can be. Titus is certainly trying to break through this limit and prove the scientists wrong.

“We Dees fans are an optimistic lot, always confident that things will turn out for the best.”. But what if things turning out for the best (for the world) actually requires that Melbourne collapse in a heap this season?

Meghan Narkle

Jul 01, 2021

Titus - I think you should address the issue of the Bombers fans' constant booing. Now, this isn't necessarily a problem as the Eagles supporters have got us accustomed to the spectacle of tens of thousands of grown adults mindlessly booing for hours on end for no apparent reason. The Eagles fans basically start booing over breakfast and keep it rolling from there.

It does however raise the prospect of what would happen if the Eagles played the Bombers in a GF. A whole stadium of permabooers would be a shemozzle and even the supporters wouldn't know who was booing. I think I have a solution. Gillon could arrange for the home team's supporters to be supplied with free vuvuzelas. The AFL could pick them for next to nothing on eBay in Johannesburg. Problem solved.

Jools

Jul 01, 2021

I can understand your trepidation Demons fans. 4 years ago I was convinced that North Korea was going to blow us all up just as the Tigers made the finals. Luckily didn't happen, so we got the chance to win 3 out of the next 4 premierships.

Circus

Jul 01, 2021

No Titus, no, no, no. Please no. You've tipped the Saints. It must have been a typo. Surely you didn't mean it. I'm willing to negotiate a suitable bribe. I have $5 with a Collingwood supporter on the outcome of this game and I'm prepared to go as high as $1.75 for you to change your tip. Maybe even up to $2?

Sal

Jul 01, 2021

“Sorry, I said ‘kick’, I should have said ‘deliver by foot’ because that’s what people say now because people are idiots.”
And simply “looking” where to kick is now ‘lowering the eyes’. No, that’s what a shy person does when told they’re pretty. Stop it. It’s just weird.

Stoney

Jul 01, 2021

Big fella I am writing this post game and must admit I wanted to pick the sun's but was lacking in the genitalia area. Any way on to the main game of the round I need you to do a favour for me. I need you to contact the police with some vague accusation about Toby Greene that will get him interviewed from around 12.oopm Saturday and last for about 4 hours.this will help the demon supporters breath a little easier. Thanks in advance GO DEES

Stoney

Jul 01, 2021

With the aforementioned favour I am willing to put 10.00 Aussie dollars into an offshore account to make it happen.it is not surprising all the teams are in Melbourne because we started the game and should be the custodians in the WORLDS sporting capital.

Wu-Hu?

Jul 01, 2021

The AFL lab theory, I like it....

Running Dog

Jul 02, 2021

No sure about conspiracy theories, Titus. I reckon they're all a big hoax, and if you examine them closely they collapse like a Florida apartment block. I mean, for example, this morning I read on one of those super reliable websites that the Bermuda Triangle has mysteriously disappeared. One minute it was there, and the next... pffwwt. Gone! Vanished from the face of the earth, without trace! Now, who would believe that?!

Across the Face

Jul 02, 2021

The Bermuda Triangle swallowed itself?

What an age we live in.

Vaccinated with nowhere to go

Jul 04, 2021

Dees colours are stylish and slimming. I’ve always made it a point to don a scarf or beret or fortnum and mason blanket in said colours whenever my team lost. I’ve spent most of my 40 years dressed in red and blue outfits as a result.

This year I finally got to splurge into monoclonal black with a dash of fuscia and burnt orange to accessorise. But like the winter and summer outfit transitions it’s back to the back of the closet for these new purchases and BAU for the red and the blue.

Hope is not something any Dees supporter should ever contemplate being fooled by.

On the upside I don’t wear poo brown and pee yellow and lose …. Small mercies

MJD

Jul 05, 2021

Pandemic response a shambles?
I would politely refer you to the scoreboard.
900 deaths is many orders of magnitude less than nearly every other country. Innumeracy is the latest epidemic, that seems to have claimed old Titus too.

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