The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Sixteen.

Thursday

Brisbane vs Western Bulldogs (G) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Last round was less than ideal for the Lions, with the Demons giving them a reality check.

A reality check never seems to be a good thing.

You never seem to get a reality check that says, ‘hey, you’re going great, you’re well-liked and that person you have a crush on thinks you’re cute.’

I mean, no one is saying ‘the Demons got a reality check last week.’

Perhaps this reflects the fact we assume reality is usually bad.

Wow. That’s a depressing way to start a footy column.

Luckily, the rest of this column contains one, maybe even two jokes. And arguably, one of them is mildly funny.

I may have just oversold things.

The good news for the Lions is they get Dayne Zorko and Zac Bailey back.

Mitch Robinson has been dropped for the second time this year. Who would have thought that when he swam in sewerage-filled floodwaters back in February it would be a metaphor for his season?

The Bulldogs are in the eight. The eight is like the VIP area of a nightclub, hard to get into and even harder to stay in, as they kick you out when more famous people show up.

Like the time I got kicked out of one nightclub because the cast of Yasmin’s Getting Married showed up.

The Doggies are going to have real problems staying in the eight.

They’ve got Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, Geelong and Fremantle to play before the end of the season. That’s not good.

I’m tipping Brisbane.

Friday

Carlton vs. St Kilda (Marvel) 7:50pm Fox/Seven

This could be a good game if we got the Saints of earlier in the season and not the team of recent weeks, who seem about as enthusiastic as a retail worker in the last half hour of a ten-hour shift.

What is wrong with the Saints? My tip? Ask a Saints supporter. They’ll give you a speech that would make most TED talks seem unprepared. Unlike a TED talk, it won’t stop at 18 minutes.

One thing I have learnt from watching a lot of AFL commentators is if a team is struggling, you say ‘I watch them and I just don’t know what their brand stands for.’

This doesn’t really mean anything but makes it sound like you have some level of insight.

I mean, they’ll say a team’s brand is ‘tough contested football’, which is basically what every team is trying to do.

Carlton has a new brand this year, it’s called ‘not going to water that moment things get hard.’

Blues fans are both thrilled and excited by this and if they’re under 25 they’ve never even seen such a thing.

They’re like those isolated Amazon tribes seeing a helicopter for the first time. “What is this sorcery!”

Carlton to win.

Saturday

Essendon vs. Sydney (MCG) 1:45pm Fox Footy

To be worse than Essendon, you need to be having a historically bad season, as North and West Coast are both doing,

But Essendon proved last week they’re capable of even losing to those teams as well.

Ever since Mick Malthouse tipped them for the Premiership, it’s been a disaster, if Malthouse predicts a sunny day, start building an ark.

With the Eagles, you can point to a unique situation, and with North, they blew things up to rebuild, they were meant to be this bad (well, maybe not this bad).

But for the Bombers, this is their team, a team they built thinking it would play finals.

It’s like building a plane and then discovering it doesn’t fly.  

Sydney fans would be thrilled, they got the Saints last week and now Essendon, just what you need when you are consolidating your position in the eight.

The Swans big issue is they occasionally drop these games, they lost to Port just a few weeks ago.

If they’re going to make a dent in the finals, surely they have to beat Essendon at the MCG?

I’m tipping the Swans.

Adelaide vs Melbourne (AO) 4:35pm Fox Footy

Last week Melbourne got all their pieces to work together perfectly again.

A great footy team is like a cheese platter, there must be a balance between soft and hard cheeses, charcuterie meats add savoury flavours, and fruit counterbalances that with sweetness.

But underpinning all that are the hardworking bread and crackers, they’re the unsung heroes, and only when they are doing their job can things like the quince paste really shine.

But you’re only as good as your last cheese platter, so the Dees must win this one because the run home gets a lot harder after this.

The good news for Demons fans is Clayton Oliver has extended his contract with Melbourne until 2030.

Did I celebrate with a glass or two of Grange over breakfast?

You bet I did. Although I usually have a glass of Grange at breakfast, it’s a wonderful morning wine, really lets you know you’re awake.

Adelaide are coming off a win against North. If they get the Dees that played Brisbane, that’s like going straight from prep to a postdoc.

I’m tipping the Dees.  

Geelong vs. North Melbourne (GMHBA) 7:25pm Fox Footy

Tom Stewart has copped a four-week ban for attempting to murder Dion Prestia, and a lot of the comments coming out of Geelong is that he feels bad about it.

You’re meant to feel bad after you do a bad thing. Every time something like this happens people say ‘yeah, but he feels bad about it’, like that’s punishment enough.

Feeling bad just means you’re not a sociopath. Saying ‘hey, he’s not a sociopath’, isn’t the defence people think it is.

Four weeks seems about right, but really, the AFL has been soft on head hits for two long. I’ve said it before, but the phrase ‘the head is sacrosanct’ has always been just a phrase to the AFL.

I’m convinced they don’t know what sacrosanct means.

“I think it’s running in the fourth at Randwick.”

North Melbourne’s new review has a lot to review.

David Noble has said he doesn’t feel threatened by it, which is the biggest lie told since I said to someone that ‘I actually prefer to be single’, and then I went home and cried for three days.

Geelong to win.

Gold Coast vs. Collingwood (Metricon) 7:25pm Fox/Seven

While Collingwood’s competency on the field is new, off the field they’re continuing their proud tradition of their President trying humour, only to offend people.

Jeff Browne did a Jordan De Goey joke at the Magpies’ AFLW awards, which got a bit of coverage this week.

He said, ‘“I hear some of you girls are going overseas tomorrow. I have a message for you from Jordan De Goey, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’’

What offends me, is the AFLW players, don’t need to be told to behave, they behave too well.

The faster women footballers become overpaid, obnoxious members of society, the better things will be for me, it will double the material I have to work with.

Imagine if I had Jordan De Goey and a Jasmine De Goey! I’d have to hire people to keep up.

Gold Coast’s chances of making finals took a real hit last week with their narrow loss to Port Adelaide.

That means they must win this against a team who hasn’t lost since May 13.

That’s a long time to go without a Collingwood loss. Too long and unfortunately I think it’s going to be another week without one.

Richmond vs. West Coast (MCG) 2:10pm Fox Footy

Tom Stewart came in like a wrecking ball and ruined Richmond’s recent renaissance, so getting the Eagles at the MCG is just what the Tigers need to regroup.

Although for the first time in a long time I can write ‘the Eagles are coming off a win’, which feels weird.

Not every team though is going to act like defending is an optional extra like Essendon do.

Unlike the Bombers, Richmond put pressure on the ball carrier, and all their players do defensive things. It’s amazing, Ben Rutten should see it.

But Richmond do have a weakness. If you knock out their star players, they tend to struggle.

West Coast players might be tempted by this. You get a win here, and the season ends early for you.

Tigers to win.

Greater Western Sydney vs. Hawthorn (GIANTS) 3:20pm Fox/Seven

It’s 14^th v 15^th in a match that will have big repercussions on not a lot.

There are ways these teams could attract attention.

For example, all the Giants players could wear headbands to tempt James Sicily into ending up with $22,000 worth of fines in a single game.

I mean, are you telling me you wouldn’t watch that?

Just imagine the excitement when we get into the fourth quarter, and there are just three headbands left for Sicily to get.

It is funny that the AFL make you pay $1000 if you remove someone’s item of clothing. That’s how strip clubs work. I mean, that’s how I’m told they work.

I’m tipping the Giants.

Fremantle vs Port Adelaide (OS) 5:20pm Fox Footy

It’s getting harder to see how the Power can make the finals, especially when they have to go through Fremantle this week.

Port’s season started badly, then improved enough to make you wonder why it started so badly.

They then raised the prison bar jumper debate, which I approve if as every time they do, I realise it’s time to change the batteries in my smoke alarms.

I’m all for Port being allowed to wear them, but my reason ‘it will annoy some Collingwood people’ is probably not enough to convince the AFL.

The Dockers lost last week to Carlton, but when they struggled earlier in the year, they came back stronger.

Nat Fyfe escaped any sanction for touching an umpire last week, due to it being ruled he was pushed into the umpire.

Personally, I think the AFL should introduce an umpiring system akin to the WWE.

Umpires should go down occasionally, and while they are players can do whatever they want.

Or coached can distract the umpire while their players do something illegal.

I’m an ideas man. They’re not good ideas, but I have a lot of them.

Dockers to win.

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