The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Thirteen. 

Thursday

Adelaide vs Richmond (AO) Seven & Fox 7:50pm All times AEST

Adelaide takes on a Richmond side that this week lost Trent Cotchin and Shane Edwards, meaning anyone who can be in Adelaide tonight by 7:50 is a chance to play. Bring your own boots.

Richmond needs to staunch the bleeding, losing to Geelong last week and before that, North Melbourne. 

I’m not sure you recover from losing to North Melbourne.

With all their outs, Dustin Martin will captain the side, a sentence I never though I’d type and you probably never thought you’d read.

While Richmond have hit some trouble, the Crows are coming off a gritty win against the Giants. It makes this perfectly poised for Adelaide fans to be let down by their club.

Imagining losing to a depleted Richmond at home is something every Crows supporter has done all week.

Bryce Gibbs and Sam Jacobs have been overlooked again, sending a clear message from the Crows ‘we don’t rate Bryce Gibbs and Sam Jacobs.’

I’m tipping Adelaide.

Friday

Essendon vs Hawthorn (MS) Seven & Fox 7:50pm

I’m excited about this. Not only do these two sides hate each other, but we also get to see two of the most loved players in the league go head to head, James Sicily and Jake Stringer.

While Stringer and Sicily cop a lot of heat from opposition fans, the main difference between them is at least Sicily’s teammates seem to like him.

This is at Marvel Stadium, and there’s been a lot of talk about whether the roof should always be closed during games. 

Personally, I’m not for closing the roof.  Why? Well, consider the tenants of Marvel Stadium, you have Essendon, Carlton, North Melbourne, St Kilda and the Western Bulldogs.

With those teams, being blinded by the sun and unable to see them is a privilege that I’d pay extra for.

Both these sides are hovering just outside the eight, like me at a social function, just on the outside of a circle of people, not good enough to make it into the actual circle.

If only I had looks and/or a personality, but instead I’ve just got crushing anxiety and a receding hairline.

Eventually, it becomes awkward, and I move away, which is probably what these teams will do, but not before Hawthorn win this, sending Essendon fans into a ‘sack Worsfold rampage’. 

Saturday

Gold Coast vs St Kilda (RS) Fox 1:45pm

This is in Townsville because just travelling to China was not enough for the Saints apparently.  

The people of Townsville are used to the occasional natural disaster arriving on their shores, so hearing the Saints and Suns are coming to town will have them alert but not alarmed.

If I was in any danger of catching a glimpse of these two playing, I’d want cyclone screens over my window.

The Saints seemed to start the year well, but it was all a mirage. It’s been a tough few years for St Kilda. You know it’s tough as a fan when you’ve spent time wondering when Jake Carlisle will return and been disappointed it’s taken so long.

The Suns, on the other hand, were doing all the hard things earlier in the year but like me and dieting, after starting off enthusiastically, they began to struggle, before getting bored and then finally dropping any pretence they were still doing it.

Is there a future for the Gold Coast? Sure, but perhaps not with an AFL team based there.

Saints to win.

Fremantle vs Port Adelaide (OS) Fox 4:35pm

Ross Lyon has announced a “summit” will be held between the Dockers and the Eagles to try and solve the problem of the Optus Stadium surface being too hard.

This instantly goes into the most important summits of all time, right up there with Chamberlain and Hitler at Munich in 1938, the Yalta Conference and Reagan and Gorbachev in 1985.

It’s the first summit I’m aware of focusing on turf, and I’m excited to see Ross bring his knowledge of weed abatement, drainage, plant biology, soil morphology and undersoil heating to bear.

Will it be successful? I hope so, but Marvel Stadium’s surface has been cactus for 19 years, and they haven’t fixed that. 

The Dockers have been winning the close ones in recent weeks and look ready to make a run at the top eight. 

If they can run over the Power here, they’ll be in with a real shot. And beating the Power isn’t that hard. 

Once again, Ken Hinkley has his side perfectly placed to just miss out on finals. He’s a master.

Dockers to win.

Carlton vs Western Bulldogs (MS) Seven & Fox 7:25pm

Last week the Blues sent shockwaves through the AFL by winning a game. 

New coach David Teague’s instructions to his team to ‘not suck so much’ and ‘just let Patrick Cripps run amok’ paid dividends.

The one conclusion we can take out of this stunning turnaround is the Carlton players really hated Brendon Bolton. 

Can it happen two weeks in a row?  Can Carlton not suck for another week?

It’s unlikely but not impossible. If you can beat Brisbane, you can certainly beat the Bulldogs.

The Doggies have really fallen since their premiership, to the point president Peter Gordon came out and backed Luke Beveridge.

It’s a worrying development. There are two things in life you don’t want, ‘the full support of the board’ and syphilis. 

Although to be honest, I’ve never had the full support of the board.

I’m tipping the Bulldogs. 

Sunday

North Melbourne vs Greater Western Sydney (BA) Fox 3:20pm

Since taking over from Brad Scott, Rhyce Shaw has had a charmed run, but now he faces the Giants, who are coming off a very disappointing loss to Adelaide. 

One interesting side note to this game is Rhyce with be coaching against a side that has his brother Heath in it.

Actually, that’s not really that interesting. 

I mean, ones on the ground and the other isn’t. Still, I’ve seen it reported several times. Probably because trying to find an interesting angle for this game would test even the most creative of minds. 

Rhyce would have read all about North’s ‘secret’ offer that they are preparing for John Longmire in the media this week. 

Apparently, North are keen to throw a lot of money to land a big name.

This is a strategy that has always worked for North. Why, who can forget when they managed to attract Jasper Pittard, Jared Polec and Dom Tyson all in the same trade period!

Miracles do happen.

For the Giants, they’ll want to erase any memories of their poor performance against Adelaide last week, ahead of next week’s bye.

The big news for GWS is that Commonwealth Games decathlete Jake Stein will be making his debut.

He should be fine. Being a decathlete would prepare you well for GWS size crowds. 

Giants to win.

Byes: Brisbane, Collingwood, Geelong, Melbourne, Sydney, West Coast 

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