The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics. 

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round thirteen.

Friday

Gold Coast v Carlton (TIO) 7:50pm Seven

Footy is back after the brutal three-day break, and it’s the Sir Doug Nicholls round, although sadly without the Aboriginal Flag.

It’s a real shame we won’t have it on display.

I should add, whenever we have a themed round, we have a bunch of white guys say, ‘where’s our round.’

It’s an excellent point. As a white man, I believe our culture is worth celebrating.

We could have re-enactments of us sitting on the couch for hours watching sport, or drunkenly dancing very badly to Khe Sanh.

White men don’t get enough of a platform, especially in footy.

Carlton are still coming down from the high that was stealing a win off Fremantle. Blues fans will be outraged at the idea they didn’t win it fair and square, but even the AFL admitted Jack Newnes shouldn’t have taken the kick.

But Fremantle fans shouldn’t get on their high horse too much, this heist was done with an accomplice, the Fremantle Football Club, who did more enabling in that game than Carmela Soprano.

Gold Coast have had a terrible run lately, taking a lot of the gloss off their promising start. When your only highlight in recent memory is Matt Rowell taking notes, you know you’re in trouble.

Carlton to win

Saturday

Western Bulldogs v Melbourne (Metricon) 1:45pm Foxtel

I’m still a bit in shock over the job the Demons did to Collingwood. I’ve watched the replay numerous times and am still in doubt it happened.

If Melbourne really have found a solution to their litany of problems, they could go a long way this season, but I’ll need a bit more proof.

It’s not that I don’t want to believe, it’s just there’s a lot of history here, and rebuilding trust after decades of erosion is not rebuilt overnight, it must be earned over a long period of time. It’s a process.

At least that’s what my therapist told me.

The Bulldogs have really struggled over the Festival of Footy. They’ve had three lose followed by a week off.

Some injuries to Melbourne’s rucks are welcome, but the Bulldogs have ruck injuries of their own, Tim English rolled his ankle and has had scans on it this week.

Perhaps we could legalise step ladders for this game. Those types of matches have been quite popular in wrestling for years and could really add something to the game.

Demons to win.

Port Adelaide v Hawthorn (AO) 4:35pm Foxtel

Port’s season was going along so nicely until Dan Houston and Peter Ladhams decided to breach COVID protocols by having people over to part until 3am.

So many of these breaches are a heady mixture of stupidity and selfishness.

The inability to put the needs of the many, ahead of your own seems to be the prevailing mood at the moment, but it’s really not.

Most people do the right thing, even AFL players. It’s been forever thus unfortunately.

The famous spirit of the British during the Blitz coincided with more burglaries and robberies in London. There’s always a percentage of selfish people in the world unfortunately.

Also, what does it say about the youth of the day that they can’t even organise a sneaky party and not get caught?

I’m not sure what upsets me more, the selfishness of the youth today or their ineptitude in pulling off a secret party.

Not that I think the youth of today are any different to the youth of yesterday.

As with selfish people, the percentages of nice people, terrible people and those people that don’t wave when you give way to them in a small side street, stay the same across generations.

At least Port have Hawthorn this week, so they could have lost ten or so players and still win this one.

Essendon v Richmond (TIO) 7:45pm Seven

Serial killer Tom Lynch has been in the spotlight this week as public enemy number one.

It’s raised a lot of emotions, with Damien Hardwick accusing David Schwarz of crying during the 2000 Grand Final.

Now, firstly, there’s no shame in crying during the 2000 Grand Final. If you barrack for Melbourne it’s the only valid reaction, if you’re an Essendon supporter it’s normal to have tears of joy, and if you’re a neutral, it sad tears because Essendon won and it was over about two minutes in.

Secondly, Hardwick’s sledge was something out of primary school. It was also out of date, given recent moves to remove the stigma of men expressing their feelings.

Not that I’ve ever cried, trapped as I am in an antiquated version of masculinity, a cage which constrains me to this day.

Lynch could of course stop a lot of this by simply not hitting people. That’s the problem with hitting people, it sometimes gives you a bad reputation.  It’s why most people avoid doing it.

He would do well not to hit any Essendon players, they are not really in the mood to put up a fight if last week is any indication.

The exciting news for Bombers fans is that Irving Mosquito will debut. There’s a lot of ‘buzz’ around his first game.

Get it? His surname is the same at the insect the that makes that noise.

Hilarious! I know, I thought of it myself. It took me a few hours but it was worth it.

If you think that’s clever, wait till you start reading all the headlines we’re about to be inundated with. I’m sure they’ll be genius.

Richmond to win.

Fremantle v Sydney (Foxtel) 8:10pm

Elijah Taylor’s decision to sneak his girlfriend into the Swans’ resort sure was silly.

Not that I can throw stones. When I was his age, I was always sneaking girls into my room. In my imagination I should hasten to add.

It’s much harder to get caught when your love life exists completely in your mind, but I know that’s not possible for everyone.

Apparently, Taylor’s girlfriend jumped two fences to get into the hub. Now that’s commitment. I think we would now judge how much someone loves you in fences.

“I love you so much I would jump seven fences for you and breach Western Australian law.”

“Well I would jump ten for you. Typical, I’m always giving too much in relationships.”

While Taylor’s actions are reckless and stupid, it was very disappointing to see more racist comments on social media.

That’s why we need to keep promoting things like the Sir Doug Nicholls Round. 

Having you’re a round focused on you is not a good thing, it’s because you’re getting a poor run of things in real life.

I wish all people copped abuse, not because of their skin colour, but because of their poor behaviour.

As a white man, I’m privileged that when I’m abused online, it’s because of who I am. I wish everyone got that opportunity.

The Dockers need to pick themselves up after last week’s debacle.

The umpiring has overshadowed how badly the Dockers stuffed up that game, plus the fact people expect them to muck things up like they did.

Swans to win.

Sunday

Adelaide v Geelong (AO) 1:05pm Foxtel

If there’s one match worth skipping this weekend, this is it.

I’d make the joke about this being an open training session, but I won’t, not because I’ve made it before, but because it’s not a joke anymore.

The Crows just have too many players who aren’t up to scratch skill-wise and as a bonus, don’t put in the required effort.

Like all of us, they just want 2020 to be over, but unfortunately, we all have to go through it. You have to be really rich to avoid the strict COVID regulations.

Geelong find themselves in a rich vein of form and I won’t be surprised if they rest a lot of players for this. In fact, the real benefit is you could play someone and still give them a rest at the same time in this game.

Cats to win.

Brisbane v St Kilda (G) 3:35pm Seven

Both these teams have been shown up against top sides recently, so this will be a good chance to get a sense of where they both really are.

Brisbane did an amazing job of almost losing to North Melbourne in their last game. It feels like they’ve lost interest in the season a bit at the moment.

It’s like they’ve hit season three in Dexter. I just hope for Lions fans that unlike Dexter, they can pull it together again.

The only shot the Lions have fired in anger recently is Mitch Robinson having a go at Tom Lynch. He did not miss, something the Lions are currently doing all the time.

So Robinson should have a crack at Lynch after he caused COVID19.

St Kilda’s performance against the Cats will still be haunting them and beating Essendon doesn’t exorcise those ghosts. You tend to remember when large parts of your team don’t show up to play.

A win here could be the false sense of security they need.

I’m tipping the Lions though, thank me later Saints fans.

West Coast v Greater Western Sydney (OS) 6:10pm Foxtel

In their last two games, the Giants have managed to almost lose to Essendon and then get smashed by the Swans.

If I didn’t know better, I’d think they’ve been doing it on purpose. Actually, I don’t know better, they really could be trying to lose.

It would make more sense than this being the best they can do. At the moment, it’s the biggest waste of talent since Anthony Hopkins appeared in Transformers: The Last Knight.

And when things aren’t going your way, what’s better than playing West Coast in Perth?

That’s sure to fix anything.

The Eagles are after their eighth win in a row. That would be nice. Imagine that, not having to sit through a loss for eight matches.

It makes you wonder why Eagles fans boo all the time. You’d think they’d be happier.

Eagles to win.

Monday

Collingwood v North Melbourne (G) 7:10pm Foxtel

If Collingwood can’t win this, a lot of us are going to enjoy it.

Not that North can win it. They’ve got so many injuries; they’re putting a real strain on Victoria’s health system.

The Pies performance against Melbourne was terrible.  You know your season is in trouble when you play Melbourne, and you play the role of Melbourne.

I’m still not sure what they were even doing in that match. Their skills seem to have regressed.

It’s like the lack of discipline at the club is contagious and has spread to everyone there.

Injuries are certainly a part of it, but I can’t remember a season when Collingwood didn’t have a lot of injuries.

But even at their worst they can’t lose to the Kangaroos. At least that’s what you’d think but 2020 always surprises. Just not in a good way I’m afraid.

Pies to win.

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