The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Thirteen.

Thursday

Port Adelaide vs Geelong (AO) 7:40pm Seven/Fox

It’s a fun trip for Geelong over to Adelaide, lots of Covid tests and waiting around.

After being tested upon arrival, they must wait three hours at Adelaide Oval's indoor cricket nets for their results.

Using indoor cricket nets as quarantine facilities is about as sophisticated as Australia’s quarantine’s facilities get.

Given the number of people I’ve seen injured in indoor cricket nets, I’d be worried if I were a Geelong fan.

In good news, they’re getting Patrick Dangerfield back from his syndesmosis injury.

I’m no doctor, but I believe syndesmosis is a type of desensitizing toothpaste.

Port Adelaide has a real chance here to knock off a key competitor for a top-four spot.

If that’s going to happen, they need to win this one at home.

The Power haven’t fared well against top tier opponents this season.

They’ve lost to both the Bulldogs and Brisbane. They also lost to the Eagles but calling them ‘top tier’ would be stretching those two words beyond their ability to hold meaning.

Ken Hinkley this week rejected the idea the Power needs to beat Geelong to prove themselves.

But isn’t that sort of the essential part of the competition? You need to beat the top teams to both prove yourself and you certainly need to do it to win the premiership.

Either way, I think the Power will win here.

Friday

Sydney vs Hawthorn (SCG) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

The Swans didn’t exactly cover themselves in glory last week against St Kilda but luckily for them, they’ve got the Hawks this week for a light practice session.

To beat the Hawks, Sydney may need to put in as high as 30 per cent effort.

Hawthorn are so bad at the moment I don’t believe it’s worth wasting anyone’s time analysing them here.

For starters, I can only name about three of their players and when I watch them play, I doze off more often than not.

Sometimes that’s probably due to having the fire on, I get all warm and then my eyes start to droop.

I know that’s not interesting, but neither is this game.

Swans to win.

Saturday

Fremantle vs Gold Coast (OS) 4:15pm Fox

In an unfortunate turn of events, every single Fremantle player was injured last week.

Dockers fans have been told to bring their boots to the game if they would like to play, and playing the Suns is a good entry level to the AFL.

While Fremantle are losing players, Gold Coast welcome back Matt Rowell, the greatest player ever to play six games.

If there was any fairness in footy, he won’t be injured again for years, but footy isn’t fair.

Instead, it’s miserable and bleak 95 per cent of the time, then every now and then it’s uplifting to make you feel good about sticking with it through all the horror.

Footy is basically The Handmaid's Tale but with fewer women in key roles.

I’ve got no idea who to tip here.

Really, who called it tipping? Tipping suggests we all have some idea. I would have called it ‘Wild Guesses.’

“I’m coming second in work’s footy wild guesses comp.”

“Of course you are, you don’t watch footy.”

Far more accurate.

I’m tipping Freo.

St Kilda vs Adelaide (CS) 7:25pm Fox

Wow. Saturday is a tough slog for games.

The Crows finished off Nathan Buckley’s coaching career last week, by losing to Collingwood.

Brett Ratten would do well not to win here in that case, and I believe he has the team to help him.

Both these teams are consistently inconsistent, Adelaide for example beat Melbourne but lost to both Hawthorn and Collingwood.

St Kilda’s season has been all over the shop like their goalkicking.

They’ve shown an ability to adapt their game style to ensure they lose.

They are more frustrating than those tomato paste tubs that are almost impossible to tear open, meaning you go get a knife to open them and then there’s tomato paste everywhere, and you just wish the earth beneath your feet would open up and swallow you whole.

Saints to win.

Sunday

North Melbourne vs Greater Western Sydney (BA) 3:20pm Fox

Sunday isn’t looking much better in terms of games.

It’s games like this that make Tasmanians so determined to get their own team.

Watching a team suck this much and they’re not even yours is just a waste of your time.

At least watching your own team suck allows you to be part of the self-loathing.

My advice to North is they should contact Nathan Buckley. Not to coach but to play for them.

The Giants will appreciate the win here, due to their proximity to the top eight.

It’s between them and Essendon to take a spot in the eight when West Coast eventually tumble out.

One way to enjoy this game is to settle down on the couch, turn the TV off and read a book.

Giants to win.

West Coast vs Richmond (OS) 7:20pm Fox

The Eagles sent a strong message to the rest of the league last week, “We’re not so bad that we can’t beat Carlton.”

Richmond are also better than Carlton, and they’ve started to pull things together in recent weeks, which is frankly, terrifying.

The Groundhog Day that is life under covid is bad enough but it’s nothing compared to this constant winning of premierships by Richmond.

Covid is bad, but at least you don’t have to listen to its fans.

The Eagles are slightly better at home, but there’s something not quite right about them.

I’m wildly guessing Richmond in this one.

Monday

Melbourne vs Collingwood (SCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

It’s a real shame that the Big Freeze won’t be at the MCG with a big crowd, but you can still donate or buy a beanie here.

Collingwood this week decided to part ways with Nathan Buckley, who presented a dignified presence at the media conference.

In a year of handling everything badly at Collingwood, the conference was very well handled and gave Mark Robinson a chance to practice using Zoom for the first time.

His ability to interrupt other journalists’ questions was elite, as well as being impossible to understand, this time due to him using what I can only assume was a dial-up modem.

Even Buckley got fed up, asking if he could be muted, not the first time someone has asked that question.

There’s already been a lot of discussion over who will coach Collingwood, with Ross Lyon being thrown around as the favourite.

I mean, I’m all for Collingwood suffering, but this seems to go too far even for my tastes.

The challenge for Melbourne is they now face a Collingwood side that will give it their all to send out Buckley in style.

That at least means the Dees should know they have to come prepared from the opening bounce.

I think Melbourne will get the job done.

Byes: Brisbane, Carlton, Essendon, Western Bulldogs

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus