Jun 10, 2021

AFL

A highly unhelpful guide to Round Thirteen

21 Comments

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Thirteen.

Thursday

Port Adelaide vs Geelong (AO) 7:40pm Seven/Fox

It’s a fun trip for Geelong over to Adelaide, lots of Covid tests and waiting around.

After being tested upon arrival, they must wait three hours at Adelaide Oval's indoor cricket nets for their results.

Using indoor cricket nets as quarantine facilities is about as sophisticated as Australia’s quarantine’s facilities get.

Given the number of people I’ve seen injured in indoor cricket nets, I’d be worried if I were a Geelong fan.

In good news, they’re getting Patrick Dangerfield back from his syndesmosis injury.

I’m no doctor, but I believe syndesmosis is a type of desensitizing toothpaste.

Port Adelaide has a real chance here to knock off a key competitor for a top-four spot.

If that’s going to happen, they need to win this one at home.

The Power haven’t fared well against top tier opponents this season.

They’ve lost to both the Bulldogs and Brisbane. They also lost to the Eagles but calling them ‘top tier’ would be stretching those two words beyond their ability to hold meaning.

Ken Hinkley this week rejected the idea the Power needs to beat Geelong to prove themselves.

But isn’t that sort of the essential part of the competition? You need to beat the top teams to both prove yourself and you certainly need to do it to win the premiership.

Either way, I think the Power will win here.

Friday

Sydney vs Hawthorn (SCG) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

The Swans didn’t exactly cover themselves in glory last week against St Kilda but luckily for them, they’ve got the Hawks this week for a light practice session.

To beat the Hawks, Sydney may need to put in as high as 30 per cent effort.

Hawthorn are so bad at the moment I don’t believe it’s worth wasting anyone’s time analysing them here.

For starters, I can only name about three of their players and when I watch them play, I doze off more often than not.

Sometimes that’s probably due to having the fire on, I get all warm and then my eyes start to droop.

I know that’s not interesting, but neither is this game.

Swans to win.

Saturday

Fremantle vs Gold Coast (OS) 4:15pm Fox

In an unfortunate turn of events, every single Fremantle player was injured last week.

Dockers fans have been told to bring their boots to the game if they would like to play, and playing the Suns is a good entry level to the AFL.

While Fremantle are losing players, Gold Coast welcome back Matt Rowell, the greatest player ever to play six games.

If there was any fairness in footy, he won’t be injured again for years, but footy isn’t fair.

Instead, it’s miserable and bleak 95 per cent of the time, then every now and then it’s uplifting to make you feel good about sticking with it through all the horror.

Footy is basically The Handmaid's Tale but with fewer women in key roles.

I’ve got no idea who to tip here.

Really, who called it tipping? Tipping suggests we all have some idea. I would have called it ‘Wild Guesses.’

“I’m coming second in work’s footy wild guesses comp.”

“Of course you are, you don’t watch footy.”

Far more accurate.

I’m tipping Freo.

St Kilda vs Adelaide (CS) 7:25pm Fox

Wow. Saturday is a tough slog for games.

The Crows finished off Nathan Buckley’s coaching career last week, by losing to Collingwood.

Brett Ratten would do well not to win here in that case, and I believe he has the team to help him.

Both these teams are consistently inconsistent, Adelaide for example beat Melbourne but lost to both Hawthorn and Collingwood.

St Kilda’s season has been all over the shop like their goalkicking.

They’ve shown an ability to adapt their game style to ensure they lose.

They are more frustrating than those tomato paste tubs that are almost impossible to tear open, meaning you go get a knife to open them and then there’s tomato paste everywhere, and you just wish the earth beneath your feet would open up and swallow you whole.

Saints to win.

Sunday

North Melbourne vs Greater Western Sydney (BA) 3:20pm Fox

Sunday isn’t looking much better in terms of games.

It’s games like this that make Tasmanians so determined to get their own team.

Watching a team suck this much and they’re not even yours is just a waste of your time.

At least watching your own team suck allows you to be part of the self-loathing.

My advice to North is they should contact Nathan Buckley. Not to coach but to play for them.

The Giants will appreciate the win here, due to their proximity to the top eight.

It’s between them and Essendon to take a spot in the eight when West Coast eventually tumble out.

One way to enjoy this game is to settle down on the couch, turn the TV off and read a book.

Giants to win.

West Coast vs Richmond (OS) 7:20pm Fox

The Eagles sent a strong message to the rest of the league last week, “We’re not so bad that we can’t beat Carlton.”

Richmond are also better than Carlton, and they’ve started to pull things together in recent weeks, which is frankly, terrifying.

The Groundhog Day that is life under covid is bad enough but it’s nothing compared to this constant winning of premierships by Richmond.

Covid is bad, but at least you don’t have to listen to its fans.

The Eagles are slightly better at home, but there’s something not quite right about them.

I’m wildly guessing Richmond in this one.

Monday

Melbourne vs Collingwood (SCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

It’s a real shame that the Big Freeze won’t be at the MCG with a big crowd, but you can still donate or buy a beanie here.

Collingwood this week decided to part ways with Nathan Buckley, who presented a dignified presence at the media conference.

In a year of handling everything badly at Collingwood, the conference was very well handled and gave Mark Robinson a chance to practice using Zoom for the first time.

His ability to interrupt other journalists’ questions was elite, as well as being impossible to understand, this time due to him using what I can only assume was a dial-up modem.

Even Buckley got fed up, asking if he could be muted, not the first time someone has asked that question.

There’s already been a lot of discussion over who will coach Collingwood, with Ross Lyon being thrown around as the favourite.

I mean, I’m all for Collingwood suffering, but this seems to go too far even for my tastes.

The challenge for Melbourne is they now face a Collingwood side that will give it their all to send out Buckley in style.

That at least means the Dees should know they have to come prepared from the opening bounce.

I think Melbourne will get the job done.

Byes: Brisbane, Carlton, Essendon, Western Bulldogs

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

COMMENTS

Theresa McArdle

Jun 10, 2021

Love your footy guides and the post-match commentary on a Monday. Your comments always leave me with a smile on my face. Keep up the wonderful work.

Fat Side

Jun 10, 2021

And just like Covid, the Tiger forwards can't be contained, knowing how to spread chaotically and unpredictably, causing confusion and grief to the opposition, along with much blame-shifting....

Andrew Taylor

Jun 10, 2021

One of the funniest previews I've read, bravo

rick prescott

Jun 10, 2021

Love your work. Go Dees.

Across the Face

Jun 10, 2021

...Footy is basically The Handmaid's Tale but with fewer women in key roles...

A bit too long for a bumper sticker but I like it.

The Ho Brothers (Brayden, Brody and Brock)

Jun 10, 2021

@ FAT SIDE: We think you make them sound like they work for the Chinese government.

Junior

Jun 10, 2021

Haven't laughed so much at a press conference since Norman Gunston. Do you think Robbo was rehearsing for life as a stand up comedian. It was hilarious. Borat couldn't have done it any better.

The g train

Jun 10, 2021

Titus, have you ever seen the indoor cricket nets at Adelaide Oval? Supreme luxury—you could live there in content comfort for years and want for nothing. Don’t feel for Geelong for having to quarantine there. Feel for those who don’t quarantine there.

Everybody knows that life is exceedingly unfair. So why should footy be any different? Is it fair that StK supporters live in unending misery through no fault of their own? Even so, here’s wishing the kid genius Rowell all the very best.

Pablo668

Jun 10, 2021

Your analysis of the Freo game is absolute magic. Elite!

Daniel B

Jun 10, 2021

Given your tipping record this year, I just wish you'd tipped the Hawks.

MUKABOY

Jun 10, 2021

One way to enjoy this game is to settle down on the couch, turn the TV off and read a book.

One of the most shameless plugs for your books that I have seen.

Terry

Jun 10, 2021

In the email, it says "...highly unhelpful Guire..." Hmmm. Freudian slip to do with Eddie?

Dmac

Jun 10, 2021

Yes the tigers have annoying fans and lots of them but not as many as Covid has. They’re all over the comments section of any article “it’s not that bad” she really died of lung failure”
“I’m licking every car leaving Victoria”

BLOKE FROM THE OUTER

Jun 10, 2021

His ability to interrupt other journalists’ questions was elite, as well as being impossible to understand, this time due to him being clueless as per usual. There fixed it for you.

Kafka’s Ghost

Jun 10, 2021

Regarding the “wild guess” competition, my teenage niece won it a few years ago by picking the colours she liked best of the two teams involved. I’m not making this up.

Stoney

Jun 10, 2021

Big fella I am really worried about the DEES practice game against the filth. I mean I love anything that brings misery to them. But I worry about playing on an under 14 size ground because the pies have shown the ability to close teams down on small areas. God I hope I am wr wr wr mistaken GO DEES

CD

Jun 10, 2021

I love the unhelpful guide almost as much as the knee jerk reaction.

I particularly enjoy how you occasionally don’t issue the unhelpful guide. This is particularly unhelpful to me as I slavishly follow your unhelpful tips in the office “wild guessing” comp. This means I have to occasionally seek tipping wisdom from “professional”commentators such as Dermot Brereton or Cameron Ling. You know, blokes who crap on about the brand of football that teams are playing. I prefer the Titus Brand of tipping which I’d characterise as “soft”: he won’t put his head over the ball; and an absolute downhill skier when it comes to running back hard in defence.

Baz

Jun 10, 2021

Matt Rowell, the greatest player to have ever played 6 games........Bloody funny line Titus, cracked me up.

Jacqui Parry

Jun 12, 2021

Best colours of all time? Resoundingly Red and Blue !!! Show no mercy lads!!!! Remember the war!! Even if they are lying on the hallowed turf bawling- PLAY ON!!!!
Neale would!! I would!!!! PLAY ON!!!

Make that Grand Old Flag Grander - there will be plenty of time in October to pour them a shandy from that great big cup!!

Bucks has his big boy pants on already so you are good to go for goals Big Max!!

PLAY ON!!!

Jacqui Parry

Jun 12, 2021

OMG Titus I can’t believe I wrote the above. I can only say I was “hangry” The Dog Ate My Homework and my brain has been taken over by aliens (or opposition supporters). Anyhoo I have dinner before me and feel much better..........but not even one of mum’s best roast dinners could make me feel sorry for the Pies. We’ve been there- it hurts and then you get up and PLAY ON!!!!

Jacqui Parry

Jun 12, 2021

Just watched Crows mow down the Saints at Cazaly Stadium - umpired by the bravest humans on the planet! Confidently dressed in pale blue only days after NSW crushed QLD 50 : 6 in Townsville. Mmmmmmmm either the AFL doesn’t know about State of Origin or the umpires really really love Neale Daniher and the Big Freeze. 🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶

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