The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Thirteen.

Thursday

Richmond vs. Port Adelaide (MCG) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Four days of footy, and some of them are even good games. I do love a long weekend, mainly because not working is about the only goal I have in life.

At times this season, that has seemed to be the goal of a lot of Port players too.

They’ve recovered a little since a rather horrible start, but they only just beat Essendon, a sure sign you’re in trouble.

Richmond had been travelling well until they ran into the Swans, and not to open freshly healed wounds, but obviously the umpires were on the Swans side.

Just ask Sydney fans about the 2016 Grand Final and they’ll tell you the umpires are always helping out the Swans.

Noah Balta is back for the Tigers and in further good news, this is a much-needed win for Port, so a Richmond win is assured.

Friday

Essendon vs. Carlton (MCG) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

Essendon will celebrate their 150^th anniversary on Friday night, playing their first-ever opponent, the Carlton Football Club.

Now, many of you will be wondering why you’d celebrate 150 years of Essendon, but I’m told Bombers fans are quite fond of their club, even if it has gone out of its way to make their lives miserable.

I get it. You love your club like you love your kids, except your club at least has a chance of winning a premiership one day and making you proud.

It’s not ideal to be having these celebrations when you’re 2-9 and your players are arguing on the field, but as Confucius once said, ‘better arguing on the field than fighting outside a French restaurant’.

Darcy Parish said it’s “easy for the average Joe” to criticise him, and he’s right, it is so easy, and fun!

Carlton are travelling well by their standards, but their loss to Collingwood left a bad taste in the mouth.

Some good news for the Blues though, Harry McKay is back early. He’s recovered from a lateral meniscus tear which believe is in the body somewhere. I hope that’s right.

Carlton should win this, but if the Bombers are going to stand up at all this year, surely the 150^th blockbuster game is the one to do it in.

Saturday

Fremantle vs. Hawthorn (OS) 4:10pm Fox Footy

Nat Fyfe returns to rescue the Fremantle Dockers, who are struggling, just third on the ladder and coming off back-to-back victories against the top two sides.

It is amazing how far the Dockers have come that a returning Fyfe now raises concerns he could upset their balance.

But what if he improves them?

Oh my god! The Dockers could win everything.

I thought a global pandemic would be the strangest thing I’d ever live through.

Surely a Fremantle premiership is a rarer event? After all, a global pandemic comes along roughly every 100 years.

Hawthorn are having an odd year. They’ve had victories over Geelong and the Lions but lost to Essendon.

Basically, when the Hawks aren’t making life miserable by constantly winning, they’re ruining your tips.

I’m tipping the Dockers.

Brisbane vs. St Kilda (G) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Now this is an interesting game.

The Saints are on a three-game winning streak, and even if one of them was against North, and another was against the Crows, that’s still a good thing.

But a win against the Lions in Brisbane, that sends a message.

And that message would be ‘OK Saints fans, can your mental health handle a finals run?’

Brisbane hardly disgraced themselves in Perth last week, and winning in Perth used to be hard before the Eagles made it only slightly harder than cooking two-minute noodles. Against Fremantle it still is.

Good news for the Lions, Joe Daniher looks like being back this week, which is certainly handy after two losses in the last three games.

Can we say the Lions are in crisis? I think so, especially around Lions supporters.

Do I think they’re in crisis? Of course not, that would be silly.

I’m tipping the Lions.

Sunday

North Melbourne vs. Greater Western Sydney (Marvel) 3:20pm Fox Footy

I don’t think anyone is going to watch this game, and I’m certain no one is going to read this preview.

So certain, I’m willing to give my password to all my online accounts away; safe in the knowledge that no one will ever see it.

It’s SexyAllenJakovich13

Giants to win.

Monday

Collingwood vs. Melbourne (MCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

You know what fixes a lot of things? A win against Collingwood.

Unfortunately, the Dees haven’t been having a lot of wins on or off the field in recent weeks.

Punch ups outside French restaurants are fine if you are winning. Otherwise, it’s a problem.

I’m not one to defend the indefensible, but outsiders probably don’t understand how tense the environment is at the Melbourne Football Club ahead of a Reserve Bank Board meeting.

Apparently, in this highly charged atmosphere, a few poor wine pairings escalated things between people.

A gauntlet was thrown, seconds were chosen, and a duel commenced.

While beating the Pies would help paper over the cracks, Collingwood are looking like a well-drilled, talented side, while Melbourne are looking like a team taking a bit of a mental break.

Breaks can be good, they’re going to happen, but they can quickly become bad habits.

Building a good culture takes years, building a bad culture just takes a dinner at a French restaurant.

I’m tipping the Dees, but a lot of that is due to the fact I can’t even begin to consider how I’ll feel if they lose this.

Bye: Adelaide, Gold Coast, Western Bulldogs, Geelong, Sydney, West Coast

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