Jun 09, 2022

AFL

A highly unhelpful guide to Round Thirteen

29 Comments

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Thirteen.

Thursday

Richmond vs. Port Adelaide (MCG) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Four days of footy, and some of them are even good games. I do love a long weekend, mainly because not working is about the only goal I have in life.

At times this season, that has seemed to be the goal of a lot of Port players too.

They’ve recovered a little since a rather horrible start, but they only just beat Essendon, a sure sign you’re in trouble.

Richmond had been travelling well until they ran into the Swans, and not to open freshly healed wounds, but obviously the umpires were on the Swans side.

Just ask Sydney fans about the 2016 Grand Final and they’ll tell you the umpires are always helping out the Swans.

Noah Balta is back for the Tigers and in further good news, this is a much-needed win for Port, so a Richmond win is assured.

Friday

Essendon vs. Carlton (MCG) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

Essendon will celebrate their 150th anniversary on Friday night, playing their first-ever opponent, the Carlton Football Club.

Now, many of you will be wondering why you’d celebrate 150 years of Essendon, but I’m told Bombers fans are quite fond of their club, even if it has gone out of its way to make their lives miserable.

I get it. You love your club like you love your kids, except your club at least has a chance of winning a premiership one day and making you proud.

It’s not ideal to be having these celebrations when you’re 2-9 and your players are arguing on the field, but as Confucius once said, ‘better arguing on the field than fighting outside a French restaurant’.

Darcy Parish said it’s “easy for the average Joe” to criticise him, and he’s right, it is so easy, and fun!

Carlton are travelling well by their standards, but their loss to Collingwood left a bad taste in the mouth.

Some good news for the Blues though, Harry McKay is back early. He’s recovered from a lateral meniscus tear which believe is in the body somewhere. I hope that’s right.

Carlton should win this, but if the Bombers are going to stand up at all this year, surely the 150th blockbuster game is the one to do it in.

Saturday

Fremantle vs. Hawthorn (OS) 4:10pm Fox Footy

Nat Fyfe returns to rescue the Fremantle Dockers, who are struggling, just third on the ladder and coming off back-to-back victories against the top two sides.

It is amazing how far the Dockers have come that a returning Fyfe now raises concerns he could upset their balance.

But what if he improves them?

Oh my god! The Dockers could win everything.

I thought a global pandemic would be the strangest thing I’d ever live through.

Surely a Fremantle premiership is a rarer event? After all, a global pandemic comes along roughly every 100 years.

Hawthorn are having an odd year. They’ve had victories over Geelong and the Lions but lost to Essendon.

Basically, when the Hawks aren’t making life miserable by constantly winning, they’re ruining your tips.

I’m tipping the Dockers.

Brisbane vs. St Kilda (G) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Now this is an interesting game.

The Saints are on a three-game winning streak, and even if one of them was against North, and another was against the Crows, that’s still a good thing.

But a win against the Lions in Brisbane, that sends a message.

And that message would be ‘OK Saints fans, can your mental health handle a finals run?’

Brisbane hardly disgraced themselves in Perth last week, and winning in Perth used to be hard before the Eagles made it only slightly harder than cooking two-minute noodles. Against Fremantle it still is.

Good news for the Lions, Joe Daniher looks like being back this week, which is certainly handy after two losses in the last three games.

Can we say the Lions are in crisis? I think so, especially around Lions supporters.

Do I think they’re in crisis? Of course not, that would be silly.

I’m tipping the Lions.

Sunday

North Melbourne vs. Greater Western Sydney (Marvel) 3:20pm Fox Footy

I don’t think anyone is going to watch this game, and I’m certain no one is going to read this preview.

So certain, I’m willing to give my password to all my online accounts away; safe in the knowledge that no one will ever see it.

It’s SexyAllenJakovich13

Giants to win.

Monday

Collingwood vs. Melbourne (MCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

You know what fixes a lot of things? A win against Collingwood.

Unfortunately, the Dees haven’t been having a lot of wins on or off the field in recent weeks.

Punch ups outside French restaurants are fine if you are winning. Otherwise, it’s a problem.

I’m not one to defend the indefensible, but outsiders probably don’t understand how tense the environment is at the Melbourne Football Club ahead of a Reserve Bank Board meeting.

Apparently, in this highly charged atmosphere, a few poor wine pairings escalated things between people.

A gauntlet was thrown, seconds were chosen, and a duel commenced.

While beating the Pies would help paper over the cracks, Collingwood are looking like a well-drilled, talented side, while Melbourne are looking like a team taking a bit of a mental break.

Breaks can be good, they’re going to happen, but they can quickly become bad habits.

Building a good culture takes years, building a bad culture just takes a dinner at a French restaurant.

I’m tipping the Dees, but a lot of that is due to the fact I can’t even begin to consider how I’ll feel if they lose this.

Bye: Adelaide, Gold Coast, Western Bulldogs, Geelong, Sydney, West Coast

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

COMMENTS

Gareth Bevan

Jun 09, 2022

I’m tipping The Bye to beat West Coast by at least 60 points

Barbs

Jun 09, 2022

"Four days of footy..." - Titus, I think you'll find you've miscounted... Oh wait, no, I just looked at the Sunday "fixture". Everything is in order.

FreoDocker

Jun 09, 2022

Not since the heady days of the early Ross Lyon era have I hoped for win against Hawthorn. They *should* fall victims to our cunning game plan (to score more goals then the opposition) but i still have nagging suspicion that Sam Mitchell will give Fyfe a corky and our downhill slide will start.

Fleegs

Jun 09, 2022

Rumour is West Coast have forfeited the game against The Bye. At least that way they get given the average losing percentage of the round. A big improvement.

Peter Zerna

Jun 09, 2022

Absolute pisser love your work

Louellyn

Jun 09, 2022

As a GWS supporter, thanks for the password Titus 😝

Fitzy

Jun 09, 2022

Always do I wait with baited breath on degrading comments on the mighty Bombers but I agree they are due for an unexpected win

Grumptrain

Jun 09, 2022

Damn you Titus and all your friends... well just you I guess. Why did you have to say Richmond to win? Never a surer way to curse us!

I still hope Melbourne beat the Pies, I mean it should go without saying but saying just makes me feel better.

Gyfox

Jun 09, 2022

SexyAllenJakovich13 ? U made that up, Titus!

Running Dog

Jun 09, 2022

Titus, while not working may be an appealing goal, many people just want money, and they'll do anything to get it- even work. Then they can afford to go to French restaurants.

But what's the world coming to when French restaurants need to host fisticuffs? Doesn't anybody go to cabaret any more? Even worse, the French are at it again, plundering English and using words like 'entrecote'. Haven't they even got a term of their own for 'boned steak cut off the sirloin'?

The g train

Jun 09, 2022

“Four days of footy, and some of them are even good games”. But how do you know they’ll be good? You’ve built up expectations here, Titus. Never a good thing. Ever.

“I do love a long weekend, mainly because not working is about the only goal I have in life”. Same. On both counts. The second count hasn’t worked out so well, but will always try my utmost to achieve that goal.

No, as a StK supporter, I could not handle the stress of a finals campaign. I already can’t sleep at night thinking there’s a chance the Saints will make The 8. One of the myriad of agonies a Saints supporter must endure.

Kangas

Jun 09, 2022

Thanks for the phoney password Titus, just as phoney as David Noble's metrics.
As a rusted on North member I'll be watching every agonising second on Sunday.

And did you know Santa is an anagram of Satan? But our so called Santa is misguided. It's North that sucks!

Hugh Maclean

Jun 09, 2022

Brilliant as always, Titus.
A side note, can you please ban comments by Santa, an idiot!

Fat Side

Jun 09, 2022

Just picturing the waiter bringing the little warm face-washers to help May and Melksham daintily dab away the blood.

Saint Peter

Jun 09, 2022

Looks like the Saints & Dockers for the GF. No-one can beat the Dockers @ Optus Stadium this year. Oh wait, Didn't St.Kilda beat the Dockers @ Optus Stadium!! Looking forward to the Big Freeze @ the 'G' on Monday. Great excitement who will be going down the slide. After that interest wanes for everyone, so looks like the snow is a great option. Am I right Dees fans.

Plugga

Jun 09, 2022

Spot on again Mr O'Reily. Maybe

Jon

Jun 09, 2022

In the words of the MCC. Hear hear Hugh👏

Con Cushion

Jun 09, 2022

Turn it Up Titus ... mentioning The Eagles and 2 minute noodles in the same sentence will have Nyall from Peppermint Grove fuming!! Con.

PS

Jun 09, 2022

Agree with HUGH, seriously, take down “Santa’s” weekly comment. It’s misogynistic, sexist and offensive. If you can’t vet the comments then you probably shouldn’t offer them. Love your work, and I’m a paid up supporter btw.

Woody

Jun 09, 2022

Perhaps the weekly Santa dribble is really just Titus trolling his own column ...

Serong So Right

Jun 09, 2022

The bye has never lost a game and they aren't about to break that streak against a deplorable Eagles outfit. They bye to win by 50+points

ROODAN

Jun 09, 2022

Entered your password and I had swat at my joint in less than 3 minutes. Out of touch here but the podcast with Paradise ?? Finished ??

Scott

Jun 09, 2022

As predicted, Essendon couldn't find a way to score against The Mighty Bye.

You're spot on, Titus - Allen was and still is much sexier than Glen.

Fernando

Jun 09, 2022

Ignore Santa, everyone knows Santa's not real.

Ben first time commenter

Jun 09, 2022

Santa sucks!

Dave

Jun 10, 2022

Excellent password Titus, but can never be unseen now…surprised the boys chose the Art Series Leeuwin Estate and then had a punch up over paying the bill.

Knee deep in the hoopla

Jun 10, 2022

How am I supposed to watch monday when its not a public holiday in my state? Vicbias

Lord Flashheart

Jun 11, 2022

Is it true that during the fight outside the French restaurant the French chef and all the waitstaff surrendered?

Crowe Michael

Jun 13, 2022

Before the game the North Melbourne supporters looked like they were waiting for a dentist appointment.

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