The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Three.

Thursday

Richmond v Hawthorn (MCG) 7:40pm Seven

Two weeks of footy in a row! I remember when we took that for granted.

This week I had a great time talking to people about footy, sure they were mocking me about how Melbourne almost blew it, but I’d take that over them telling me about their families any day of the week.

You know footy is really back because the AFL Commission have quickly changed the rules this week in regard to Shaun Burgoyne’s sling tackle.

It really feels like we are getting back to normal when the AFL are scrambling to make rule changes after a single incident.

I’m pretty relived the AFL weren’t running the lockdown, we would have had new rules every few hours and only AFL sponsors would have been allowed out of their homes.

Jaeger O'Meara returns for the Hawks this week and after last week’s game, he just has to turn around the entire team, so no pressure.

If the Hawks’ midfield plays like they did against Geelong last week, Richmond are a real chance to break the 36-point barrier, which they failed to do last week.

You’d have to think the Tigers will be better after last week’s run. They were so rusty. I guess we all are getting back to our normal jobs. I went to a meeting this week and forgot to wear pants as I’d gotten used to Zoom calls.

As a result, the RSPCA said they won’t be using me as an ambassador.

I can also reveal that Dustin Martin won’t play in this game. My source? None other than the Richmond Football Club, who announced it publicly and then all the media reported it, but technically, if you missed all that, then I have been the one to reveal it to you.

Richmond to win.

Friday

Western Bulldogs v Greater Western Sydney (MS) 7:50pm Seven

Last year, the Giants ended the Bulldogs hopes of progressing in the finals. I can’t see that happening this year as the Bulldogs have no hopes to be ended.

In that game, Toby Greene left Marcus Bontempelli with bruises around his right eye. It was very out of character for young Toby, who is of course misunderstood.

‘Misunderstood’ is what people say when there is no real defence for someone’s behaviour, but they feel like they should at least give it a crack.

The Bulldogs should be better than they currently are, trust me, I’m very familiar with not meeting expectations.

I remember my mother once turning to me and saying, ‘you have failed to live up to every expectation I ever had of you, and they were low.”

At least my Dad tried to cheer me up, assuring me he never had any expectations of me. He did add that I’m still a disappointment to him and made, what I must admit, a very strong argument as to why.

The Giants will want to lift after losing to North last week. They are clinging to eighth spot, and by the end of June we all know the top eight is usually set.

I’m tipping the Giants.

Saturday

North Melbourne v Sydney (MS) 1:45pm Foxtel

North Melbourne are currently second on the ladder as we all predicted back in February.

In a year everyone is talking of moving them, I kind of like the idea they go on to win the Premiership. I love it when media narratives go wrong, which means there’s a lot of love in my life these days.

It astounds me that some people say this year’s premiership won’t mean as much. That sounds like something a Hawthorn fan would say, like Premierships just grow on trees.

Imagine having the luxury to decide you’re not going to care as much if your team won the premiership this season.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate 2020, but it wasn’t as good as 1961, 1971, 1976, 1978, 1983, 1986, 1988, 1989, 1991, 2008, 2013, 2014 or 2015. What about you St Kilda fan? What’s your favourite premiership?”

There’s still the same number of teams and it’s not going to be any easier, in fact it’s probably going to be harder with all the interruptions going on.

What I’d give for a Premiership. I hope they let fans attend the Grand Final, that’s surely an event they could give an exemption. Sure, I might get Covid and die, but if my team won, I’d at least die happy, something that’s not on the cards for me at the moment.

As for Sydney, they have a lot to fix, and the pieces they need to fix them are injured.

There’s been some good news for Sydney this week though, by Round Five they’ll be allowed to have 10,000 fans at their home games.

I think this all could have been done earlier and with a much bigger crowd due to a loophole in the Covid regulations. All you’d need to do is ensure every person in the stadium was getting a haircut.   

All the lockdown taught me is there is no more powerful lobby group in Australia than the hairdressing lobby. Climate change advocates should hire them.

North to win.

Collingwood v St Kilda (MCG) 4:35 Foxtel

Eddie McGuire now hates the Sherrin football. It’s nice to see him expand his feuds to inanimate objects, he was running out of minority groups and this opens up a whole new area for him.

I can see him soon being at war with chairs and grass.

I’m not sure you can blame the Sherrin for the fact there are players that couldn’t hit a target if their job depended on it, which it does. Only a bad tradesman blames their tools.

I guess we could get one of those Velcro footballs and give the players all gloves so they could hold a mark. I believe Travis Cloke tried that for a while with some success.

Jaidyn Stephenson could be back for this game after his ban. I’m not sure how much his inclusion with change the odds of a Magpie victory though.

His suspension sent a strong message, the AFL is allowed to cash in on sports gambling, not the players.

St Kilda looked really good last week, but it helps when your opponent appears to be actively helping you execute your strategy.

I can’t see Collingwood giving them the space they got against the Bulldogs. People said the Bulldogs were social distancing but that only requires 1.5 meters. Perhaps it was excessive social distancing.

Pies to win.

Brisbane v West Coast (G) 7:40pm Seven

Jeremy McGovern will miss this one, after the Tribunal denied his appeal against his one match suspension for striking Alex Sexton.

McGovern said afterwards, “My intention was never to punch Alex in the head.”

Personally, any time you have to clarify your intention ‘wasn’t to punch someone in the head’, you’re already in a fair bit of trouble.

Believe me. I used a similar phrase after a christening last year and it didn’t help me either.

It’s not ideal for the Eagles, who lost to the Gold Coast Suns last week. I know, I had to go back and check a few times that actually happened. 

As expected after such a loss the WA's Health Minister announced Western Australia was in "advanced discussions" about what it would take for borders to be reopened to the rest of the country.

I’ll tell you what it would take, a loss here to Brisbane and watch those borders be opened up faster than an AFL mid-season rule change.

The good news for the Lions is 2,000 fans can attend this week. I’m jealous. I’d love to go to the footy again.

The only thing I worry about when the crowds return is the lines at the bathrooms.

Can you imagine how long they’ll be at the men’s toilets now that we’ve all started washing our hands?

Lions to win.

Geelong v Carlton (GMHBA Stadium) Foxtel

Carlton’s performance last week left a lot to be desired, but then so has their past two decades.

Blues fans have every right to be angry. When you’re competing with Melbourne for ‘most disappointing club’ instead of premierships, the only sensible response is anger.

Now they have to head down to Geelong to face the Cats which is never fun.

This week Chris Scott said he will rest Gary Ablett more this year. He said he suspects Ablett had a hamstring problem during the finals campaign last year, but Ablett denies it.

That makes no sense to me. Everyone I knows complains about everything, they don’t keep it too themselves.

If I have a mild cough, I tell everyone I’ve got Covid, but that’s mainly because it means people will leave me alone.

Cats to win.

Sunday

Gold Coast v Adelaide (Metricon) 1:05pm Foxtel

The Crows will play their first game after the lockdown and based on last week’s performance, the Suns are no longer the instant four points they once were, which is a shame as Adelaide could really do with four points right now. 

It’s really unfair of the Suns to no longer be easy beats. It was their brand. It’s just another example that the world has changed, and nothing makes sense anymore.

Matt Rowell was nominated for the Rising Star this week. It was such a dominate performance that I now know the name of a Suns player, which is exciting.

It must be nice to start a new career and instantly be better than people who have been doing it for years. I always dreamed I’d be that person but things like my ability got in the way of that happening.

Can you imagine if the Crows now lose to the Suns? The Adelaide Advertiser will have a thirty page wrap around, like a natural disaster has occurred.

At least there’s a chance to recover from a natural disaster. I’m not sure what the Crows are currently doing is something they can come back from.

Since 2017, they’ve mainly been providing a case study of how not to run a football. We didn’t really need them to do that, we’ve got plenty of case studies about that.

Suns to win.

Essendon v Melbourne (MCG) 3:35pm Seven

The Bombers are 2-0, could be getting Orazio Fantasia back and are playing Melbourne. That’s a nice sentence if you’re an Essendon fan.

The challenge for the Bombers is what Melbourne team will show up this week. The one that played the first quarter last week, or the one that didn’t play the last three quarters?

Essendon haven’t started the season 3-0 since 2013. That’s a long time ago. Back then, George Orwell’s1984 was a warning, not an explanation of how society worked.

I’ve no idea of how Melbourne will perform. They technically won last week, but as only they can, they made it feel like a loss.

There was a bit of commentary about Melbourne singing the song without Max Gawn last week. Typical of Melbourne, they can’t even get their structures right off the field.

I was more surprised they sung the song at all. The last thing I felt like doing after the match was singing.

As a result of that performance, I’ve felt stressed all week, worrying about this week’s game. It’s so good to have that feeling again. I feel alive.

Bombers to win.

Fremantle v Port Adelaide (Metricon) 6:05pm Foxtel

Fremantle could get Jesse Hogan back this weekend, which was inevitable once there were stories saying he’d never play for the Dockers again.

Personally, I’ve never understood all the heat Hogan gets. He’s had a pretty rough time, and it’s not like when it comes to people who deserve being bagged, the AFL isn’t a target rich environment.

Fremantle are still figuring out their new playing style. It must be hard to make an adjustment to a new coach who actually wants you to score occasionally.

As for Port, they come off a huge win in the showdown and their battle to wear the ‘prison bar’ jumper has escalated with Eddie McGuire announcing he has escalated it to the AFL hierarchy and their legal department.

I don’t know about you, but this is the most important issue in the world today.

It’s a tough decision who to side with. On one hand, Port Adelaide did agree to become the Power but on the other hand, it’s Collingwood.

What a horrible choice. Perhaps we could kick both of them out of the league? It might be drastic but then they could both wear whatever they want.

Ollie Wines will return this week, he missed last week’s training run after breaking the AFL’s Covid regulations.

Luckily AFL players are now allowed to go surfing, fishing, golf and tennis. It’s not all good news, they are also allowed to see family.

Port to win.

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