Jun 04, 2021


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Twelve


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Twelve.


Melbourne vs Brisbane (GS) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

Greetings from the Great Southern Leper Colony that is Victoria!

I often get asked by people in other states what it feels like down here. The best way to describe it is like being a fan of a team being very poorly run. You have very little power over what’s going on but suffer all the pain.

That’s not to say I place all the blame on the state government, I blame the Federal Government too. Why limit yourself? There’s more than enough blame to go around.

Essendon fans taught me a few years ago you can hate your team AND the AFL with equal intensity.

At least we get a good Friday night game, with the two form sides of the competition going at it and at no less storied venue than Giants Stadium.

The Lions have selected a guy by the name of Lachie Neale, who is coming back from injury and he’s quite a decent player.

Melbourne’s season continues to surprise even the most positive Melbourne supporter (if they existed).

Demons supporters are a happy and bewildered lot at the moment.

A win against the inform Lions is dangerous. We are already struggling to deal with so much happiness, it’s like filling your unleaded petrol car with diesel, it’s not built for it.

I tip against Melbourne a lot, it’s a protective measure to stop myself getting hurt (and until recently the sensible thing to do),

It’s the same strategy I employed in year nine when I never asked Sally Thompson out, instead I convinced myself I would get rejected.

Years later though, in a lesson I really took on board, I learnt from a close friend of hers that if I had asked her out all those years ago, she would have definitely said ‘no’.

It taught me an important lesson, never opening yourself up to new experiences or people, and never let yourself dream that something good will happen to you.

Lions to win.


St Kilda vs Sydney (SCG) 1:45pm Fox

It says a lot about Carlton that even after beating them, the Swans have dumped five players.

It also says a lot about St Kilda that you don’t worry about dumping five players ahead of playing them.

St Kilda may have won last week, but it was about as impressive as someone getting dressed in the morning and falling over and injuring themselves in the process.

The Swans are looking at the tantalising prospect of getting a lot more games at home with the problems down south.

They already have St Kilda locked in at home and Hawthorn, although their two teams they could beat playing on any planet in the solar system, even that Planet X that theorised to exist.

I’d even throw in Pluto even though it’s just a dwarf planet these days.

They’ll only get games up in Sydney while the lockdown continues in Melbourne, so probably only the next few years.

I can’t see the Swans losing this, the Saints look like a team playing against their will. It’s a tough outcome for Saints supporters but luckily they’ve had decades of training for this.

Sydney to win.

Adelaide vs Collingwood (AO) 4:35pm Fox

The Crows are in trouble as apparently, some players didn’t follow Covid protocols on the plane back from their last game.

Personally, I think they should have all their wins this season taken off them and awarded to their opponents. Of course, I have no vested interests in such an outcome.

Collingwood wishes they just had a Covid protocol breach at the moment to deal with.

Instead, they’ve got a board civil war.

Jeff Browne announced he would be challenging this week, his pitch seemed to involve, well nothing.

No position on Nathan Buckley’s future, and a vague promise to go out and get the best coach there is if Buckley does leave.

This is not really a strategy, more what every club would like to do.

It’s like when people suggest going and getting Alastair Clarkson. Everyone would like to do it, but it’s the doing that’s the hard part.

It means Pies fans now have the choice between a board that has led them into this mess or a new board with no plans to get out of it.

On top of all this, the Pies have had to quarantine for the last few days and are less welcome in South Australia than Shannon Noll was at the Crazy Horse Revue.

Even the ball is now seen as literally a poison ball. This is how the Collingwood forwards usually treat it.

Crows to win.

Essendon vs Richmond (OS) 7:40pm Seven/Fox

Dreamtime at the Optus Stadium doesn’t have the same ring to it, but it’s a great thing to see the game sell out and shows, once again just how football-mad Western Australia is.

The good news for Essendon is they have good form at Optus Stadium.

Essendon’s win last week has been taken as a huge turnaround for the club, but it was also against a West Coast side who you wouldn’t exactly call trustworthy.

Still, Essendon does seem to have some very good players coming through, it’s just there have been so many false dawns I’ve lost count.

A win here would be a big step towards suggesting there might be some substance to this latest effort.

Richmond rebounded somewhat last week, but they don’t look like premiership sides of recent years.

But the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Much like I’m suspicious that Essendon rebuild might not be real, I’m not convinced fully of Richmond’s decline.

I’m tipping Richmond.


Carlton vs West Coast (SCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

The Eagles go into this game with forced changes galore.

Tim Kelly, Josh Kennedy, Brendon Ah Chee, Jarrod Brander and Oscar Allen are all outs due to injury.

It makes it hard to win with so many out with injuries, especially when you couldn’t win with all those players.

But the footy gods take but they also give, and they’ve given the Eagles, Carlton.

But here’s the thing, I think Carlton will win this.


Because whenever the Blues seem to be bottoming out, they get a win, boost the false hope reserves before descending again.

It’s a cruel cycle.

The difference between these two is West Coast should be good but aren’t, while Carlton are exactly what everyone expects.

Blues to win.

Fremantle vs Western Bulldogs (OS) 6:40pm Fox

The Bulldogs did not look good last week, turning the ball over more often than Victoria racks up Covid cases.

They say you learn more through failure, so the Bulldogs would have learnt a lot.

That said, I’ve failed an awful lot in my life but remain a man of outstanding density when it comes to mental issues.

The good news for the Bulldogs is they have lots of time to sort their issues all out before they get to finals.

Fremantle won’t be playing finals. They didn’t look good at all against Port, despite putting up a bit of a fight in the second half.

Facing a Bulldogs side looking to bounce back is hardly a dream scenario.

The Dockers biggest opponent is their own goalkicking, which is about as accurate as horoscopes but less entertaining.

Bulldogs to win.

Byes: Geelong Cats, Gold Coast Suns, GWS Giants, Hawthorn, North Melbourne, Port Adelaide

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus



Jun 04, 2021

Excellent work - Dimma as Keyser Soze - but please don't tip Richmond - beating Essendon is the only thing I have to look forward to in this never ending lockdown

Saint Carol

Jun 04, 2021

One of your best Titus. A witticism in every game.


Jun 04, 2021

"Saint supporters have decades of training to prepare for disappointment." Yes which is why many of us could see they were pushing their luck recruiting big name players on huge salaries at the end of their careers with questionable culture and/or ability to get out on the park would eventually *iss off the core group younger players who got them to where they were in 2020. The Saints' sadly are done for another decade. It was self-inflicted and we've seen this horror show many times before.


Jun 04, 2021

VERY excited for the big game of your Demons team against my Lions team, Titus!

I do hope for a good game...


Jun 04, 2021

Not tempted to write up the other big games this week? North v the bye and Hawks v the bye

The g train

Jun 04, 2021

Without Titus’s Highly Unhelpful Guide, I am totally and miserably lost. Last weekend, I had no idea who was playing whom, and where and when. Titus is my only guide for the upcoming weekend fixtures, and he tells it in a very unhelpful way. Once you know exactly what is unhelpful, then you know what is exactly helpful. So I find Titus’s guide extremely helpful.

“But the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.” But not the entire world, Titus. I’m a StK supporter, so have known for decades that the Devil is all too real.


Jun 04, 2021

If Pluto is a dwarf planet it should suit St Kilda's game plan given past history

Dave O'Leary

Jun 04, 2021

Interesting to look at AFL crowds in SYD when you take the Swans outta the picture. 1,200 (!) for Hawks v Suns and 4,000 for Tiges v Crows. And bear in mind, there were NIL attendance limitations for either of these games. Grim. Will Dees v Lions and Blues v Eagles attract any more?? We shall see. Certainly supports the argument that establishing a 2nd team in a rugby league mad city (with 9 x NRL teams), when the Swans had already worked since 1982 to gather up all of the limited number of Aussie Rules fans available, was needlessly costly, pointless and dumb. It would be like the NRL establishing a 2nd NRL team in Melbourne! - i.e. insane.

Halftime Spray

Jun 04, 2021

"It means Pies fans now have the choice between a board that has led them into this mess or a new board with no plans to get out of it."

So more entertainment on the way.


Jun 04, 2021

I bet Sally Thompson is spitting chips now….


Jun 04, 2021

“No position on Nathan Buckley’s future, and a vague promise to go out and get the best coach there is if Buckley does leave.”

The same trick Richmond used with their board challengers a few years back!!


Jun 04, 2021

Thanks Titus for your insight into the Melbourne supporter psyche. It reminded me of when my friend was happily skipping out of the ‘G after his Dees convincingly beat the Bombers. Mid-departure he irrationally took a swig directly from his thermos and made a reasonable effort of nearly melting his lower jaw off. As we lead him away to the Epworth, he was overheard quietly weeping into his footy scarf, “nothing good ever happens to me”. He was fine in the end, but it stands as the most ‘Melbourne supporter-esque’ thing I have ever seen.


Jun 04, 2021

Titus my good man Sallie friend probably forgot to add she would have said yes if she thought you would buy her a choctop and give her a smooch. I understand why Jeff Browne has not come out with any policies because the average pies supporter are not smart enough to read such a thing unless it comes in court summaries . Get on the DEES for a very exciting ride mate.GODEES

Adrian Dodoro Fan Club

Jun 04, 2021

Disappointingly, no mention of the "Barometer" Rhys Mathieson getting punted by the Lions. Two weeks ago this clown was claiming he was the Player of the 21st Century and better than Dusty and Danger, now he's kicking the dew off the grass for the Southport Sharks Magoos. C'mon Titus, you should have kicked him while he was down, like everyone has been doing to you your whole life.

The Bard

Jun 04, 2021

Titus, the description of your tragic romantic endeavours may be a little too disingenuous. Didn't we see you with a comely companion at the Swans game? Were you not, in truth, looking happy? Is there any possibility that this was Sally Thompson, finally coming to her senses and meeting her soulmate? Yon Titus doth protest too much, methinks.


Jun 04, 2021

I went to school with a Sally Thompson. Did you go to Greensborough Secondary College by any chance?

Running Dog

Jun 04, 2021

I reckon Sally Thompson will get the three Brownlow votes this week, and probably the rising star nomination as well.

Atrocious Conditions

Jun 04, 2021

Sally Thompson, you say? Yeah, I remember her. Tall girl with hairy legs. I caught hairy legs from her.


Jun 04, 2021

Sally Thompson couldn’t see the silver lining from the forest.


Jun 09, 2021

There are many factors to rationalise the small crowds at Sydney AFL matches.

Firstly, most of these matches are announced only 1 or 2 days before each match is conducted.
Secondly, would anyone really go out of their way to see St Kilda vs Hawthorn.
Thirdly, Ticketing by the AFL. I attempted to purchase a single ticket for the Lions/Melbourne match, at my home ground only to discover that our official Ticket agency didn't sell single tickets. You could purchase: 2, 3 4 or more - but not a single ticket.
This racket was also operating during the 2020 lockdowns, too.

A bit rich to complain about Sydney crowds. Dockklands has been pretty empty this season.