The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Twelve.

Friday

Melbourne vs. Carlton (MCG) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

There are a lot of concerns at Melbourne at the moment, but the biggest is if they lose this, they then play Collingwood next week.

The potential that they could lose to Carlton then Collingwood ahead of the bye week is terrifying.

If that happens, a lot of Melbourne fans European holidays are going to be ruined. It’s would put a real dampener on my swing through Italy and Spain.

Could the Dees lose to Carlton? It’s certainly possible, Carlton may have lost last week, but they had to really work at it. Their forwards kicked for goal like Swans fans were holding their families hostage.

And Carlton showed a lot of fight last week, it was just between board members. The politics around the Carlton board is toxic.

The Roy family would look at the Carlton board and wonder why these people are so dysfunctional.

But as much as people like to think boards are important, the players on the field have some impact on the game.

One thing I can report, and I’m 100 percent certain of this, is that Patrick Cripps has abandoned his teammates and has been in Las Vegas all week.

I’m tipping Melbourne. There will be no excuses.

Saturday

Port Adelaide vs. Hawthorn (AO) 1:45pm Fox Footy

Hawthorn are on a rampage at the moment, with not one, but two wins in a row. Talk about a feel-good story.

Their season has been overshadowed by the racism inquiry, with the AFL doing a bit of magic this week and announcing everything from their point of view is none of their business, with no findings that anyone did anything.

Basically, the AFL said, ‘we can’t figure out who is telling the truth here, so leave us out of this and sue each other.’

While some are disappointed with this outcome, I get it, it’s a similar strategy I use with my extended family.

The Hawks two game streak is almost as good as Port’s winning streak which sits at eight games. And now they get to add a ninth, because Port are not St Kilda.

I mean, in other years they sort of have been, but this year Port seem different.

And in even better news, David Koch has just freed up a lot of time to help out more.

If there’s one thing that helps an AFL team, it’s a meddling president with a TV background.

West Coast vs. Collingwood (OS) 4:35pm Fox Footy

Number one mid-season draft pick Ryan Maric is leaving the professional operation that is the Gippsland Power for the West Coast Eagles.

It’s rare you get drafted to the AFL and end up in a team with lower standards.

Still, at least he knows he goes in as a top five player there. I hear he’s already going to be on their membership cards next season.

This is a real danger game for the Pies, they could win by less than a hundred points if they are complacent.

Craig McRae has been ill this week, but the Pies say he will still make the trip to Perth.

I’m not sure why. A sack of potatoes could coach Collingwood to a win over the Eagles. I’m not sure they even need to send 22 players.

What I’d like to see is a Collingwood fan get to coach the Pies this week. That would be a bit of fun, we could finally see a supporter make all the moves they’re always calling for.

In terms of the Eagles, a fan couldn’t do any worse.

Optus Stadium may be against letting a Collingwood fan coach. Lot of effort to bolt down everything in the coaches box.

Western Bulldogs vs. Geelong (Marvel) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Things are tough down in Geelong at the moment.

Key injuries, three losses in a row and the news that their brand new 14,000-seat stand is delayed.

It’s a sad outcome, especially since until the stand is finished, the various political parties can’t announce more funding to gold plate every single part of it. Such are the problems of living in a highly marginal area.

Perhaps as compo the various local members could organise extra draft picks for the Cats.

The Bulldogs are travelling very well, despite last weeks narrow loss to the Suns in Darwin.

Who hasn’t had a regretful night in Darwin? I mean that’s why Darwin is fun.

I once had night out in Darwin that involved some very poor drink selections and six court cases I’m still working through in several jurisdictions.

The Doggies have a great chance to bounce back here and put a massive dent in any chance the Cats have to repeat this season.

I’m tipping the Dogs.

Sunday

Greater Western Sydney vs. Richmond (GS) 1:10pm Fox Footy

It’s 14^th taking on 15^th in what many are a calling ‘a game that is happening on Sunday’.

Damien Hardwick might have tuned in for last week’s match, but he may want to give this one a miss.

The Giants are a real chance of knocking them off here, given they are one of the better bad teams.

To be this far into the season and have the Tigers sitting on just three wins, may seem odd to young footy fans, but it’s a return to normal for most of us.

The discussion this week has been about whether Justin Leppitsch would return to Richmond as head coach.

He may consider it, but there’s something to be said about being the second in charge.

I mean the worst thing about being a senior coach must be dealing with the media.

The second worse must be pretending to care about people.

That’s exhausting. Looking after roughly forty blokes would be so tiring, I don’t know how anyone does it.

I’m tipping the Giants.

Essendon vs. North Melbourne (Marvel) 4:40pm Fox Footy

Essendon have had a nice draw recently, with Richmond, West Coast and North Melbourne.

That’s like a mini holiday from the AFL.

If they win this one, which they should, they will then face Carlton, so that would be four wins in a row!

There’s just no way they can miss finals. They are a sure thing.

North Melbourne won’t be getting Alastair Clarkson back anytime soon it appears, despite the AFL sidestepping any findings faster than a matador avoiding a charging bull.

It means Brett Ratten is stuck coaching the Kangaroos for the foreseeable future, which is a harsh punishment for a nice guy.

If I were him, I’d ask the AFL for a nice cushy job after this, something where you are not judged by outcomes, like Match Review Officer.

In that role there is no right or wrong. You just guess if someone is guilty or not, roll a dice to work out how many weeks they’ve got, then do whatever you want the next week.

Seriously, it’s the best job in the world. No one has ever done it well, no one thinks you’re going to get it right, and at the same time, you’re not wrong either because it’s all nonsense.

I’m tipping the Bombers.

Byes: Collingwood, Brisbane, St Kilda, Sydney, Fremantle

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