Jun 11, 2020

AFL

A highly unhelpful guide to Round Two

26 Comments

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Two.

Thursday

Collingwood vs Richmond (MCG) 7:40pm Seven

Oh man it feels good to write this.

I don’t know if you guys heard about this pandemic that’s been going on, but it is the worst.

There’s been so many bad things about the lockdown, but one of the most terrible things have been all the ads that companies have been putting out telling us we’re ‘all in this together’ and how amazing everyone has been.

I haven’t been amazing. I’ve been a miserable mess. This isn’t a huge change but having just myself as company made myself realise why I don’t have any friends.

All I did was sit at home and think about all the terrible life decisions I’ve made. I hope many of you coped well with it. I handled it like Cameron Schwab manages a football club.

The only thing I learnt in the past few months is that life without football is not worth living. People often say, ‘there’s more to life than football’, well this pandemic proved them wrong.

Life without football is a nuclear wasteland. A joyless terrain populated by soulless grifters that steal what little happiness there is in the world.

So finally, we have football back and it’s the greatest thing ever.

The first thing I’ll note is that it’s great to see two Victorian teams get a chance at an important prime time slot and giving Collingwood a go is so nice to see.

It’s about time the VFL started to look after the Victorian teams.

One person that didn’t handle the lockdown well was Eddie McGuire. He’s currently at war with Geelong, Port Adelaide and Athletics Australia. Typical Eddie, always picking on minority groups.

If complaining was a sport, Eddie would be the GOAT. What makes him remarkable is the more success and advantages he gets, the more he goes on about how hard done by he is.

You’d think. If you’d ended up rich, President of your football club and have your own radio and TV shows you’d be able to feel some happiness on occasion.  

As to this actual game, I’ve got no real idea who can win. Round One form is hopeless to go on at the best of times, it’s even worth when it happened in a parallel universe.

So, let’s tip Richmond, who won a premiership just before the world started acting like Mark Neeld was coaching it.

Friday

Geelong v Hawthorn (GMHBA Stadium) 7:50pm Seven

During the lockdown, Joel Selwood got in a bit of hot water for posting a video of him using his partner to mop the floor, which technically meant she was the one in hot water.

I’m not sure why people thought using a woman as a mop was disresp…oh I get it now.

People are so easily upset these days; men get in trouble now for doing housework. It’s very confusion. Talk about mixed messages.

Geelong have a terrible record coming off the bye but did you know they have an even worse record coming off a global pandemic?

In 1919, the year the Spanish flu hit Australia properly, they came eighth on the ladder, back then there were nine teams. A bad sign for the Cats.

Who was ninth coming that year?

It was Melbourne. Of course it was.

As for Hawthorn, living through their three-peat is probably the closest I’d ever come to the feeling of living through a global pandemic. 

At least COVID-19 won’t leave behind fans banging on about it every five minutes when it ends.

I’m tipping Geelong.

Saturday

Brisbane v Fremantle (G) 1:45pm Foxtel

With Fremantle and West Coast now on the Gold Coast, it now has two AFL teams based there.

Players have requested Nutribullets and PlayStation in the hubs which was a surprise to me. I thought they’d request the complete works of Tolstoy.

I really feel for the players stuck in the hub. Imagine you got told you had to leave your family for weeks to hang out on the Gold Coast. It sounds awful.

Most people I’ve spoken to who have been in lockdown with their families would pay to be sent away from them.

I’ve long said AFL players should be kept in stables away from the public so they can’t get into trouble and can be kept in peak condition at all times. It’s just disappointing we needed a global health crisis to see it come to fruition.

Dockers fans could be one of the bigger winners from the no crowds policy. Think how much of your life you’ll get back not having to go and watch this season.

Before people tell me that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, I’m also appreciative of this fact.

Lions to win.

Carlton v Melbourne (MS) 4:35pm Foxtel

Probably the toughest thing about the last few months was the constant stream of Tik Tok videos from coaches and players.

Every time I saw an AFL coach do a Tik Tok dance I cursed that fact the internet had ever been invented.

Some people said it was just a bit of fun and if that’s true, I’m now against fun. Look, a grown man dancing with his kid is great and all but it doesn’t need to lead the news.

The sport media weren’t much better. Their attempts to stay relevant was the most desperate thing I’ve seen outside of my love life.

If I never see a list ranking teams or players again it will be too soon.

That said I can understand the desperation. Having no sport does weird thing to a person. 

For instance, at my lowest ebb of the lockdown, I even started to think I missed seeing people.

It was a strange feeling. I’m sure it will go away now I can see people.

As for this game, I’m just relieved it’s June and Melbourne are still in touch with the eight.

On top of that Harley Bennell is playing, which was exciting to read because it was the first real footy news in about three months.

As for Carlton, it will be interesting to see how they go. After the year we’ve had, them going on to win the premiership would be the sort of horrible thing 2020 would throw at us.

Carlton to win.

Gold Coast v West Coast (MS) 7:40pm Foxtel

Just months ago, the idea that I would look forward to watching a Gold Coast Suns game would have had me reaching out for help.

Now I realise that even inept footy is better than no footy.

Sure, this will be over before it really starts but any minute you’re watching football and not considering doing yoga, baking sourdough or being on a zoom call is time well spent.

Perhaps the thing I’m most proud of is I got through the lockdown without doing a single zoom call. It was great.

A few times someone said they wanted me to do a zoom call and I said ‘no’.

They said, ‘why not?’ and I replied ‘because I don’t want to participate in the worst thing on earth.’

It’s a strong argument.

The main thing the lockdown taught us is how 97 per cent of work meetings are completely unnecessary. Most of us already knew that but there are always those people whose real job is just creating and going to meetings.

Those people could be in real trouble now that it’s become obvious they are completely unnecessary.

Just like the Gold Coast.

West Coast to win.

Port Adelaide v Adelaide 7:40pm (AO) Seven

I love when the prison bar jumper debate comes up.

Remember before the portal to hell opened and we used to care about what footballers wore? They were heady days. We were so young and carefree. So unaware of what horrors lay ahead of us.

Now it seems pretty low on the list of things to get worked up over.

These days people are getting worked up over things like ‘will I get a job?’ or ‘can I pay rent’.

It must be nice luxury to be able care about what Port Adelaide wear in the Showdown.

I’m just excited that my Saturday night is taken care of with this on. I thought that perhaps after the lockdown people would want to catch up with me after it ended.

I’ve been proven wrong about this. Not only have I not received any invitations, I’ve had several people proactively ring me to tell me they’re busy. This seems excessive. 

This week Billy Frampton and Kyle Hartigan got into a fight during an intraclub match. That’s how you knew it was an intraclub match, Crows player were putting up a fight.

Port to win.

Sunday

Greater Western Sydney v North Melbourne 1:05pm (GS) Foxtel

The Giants have somehow got the permission to have 350 fans at their game. Now, I know the obvious lazy thing to do is say things like ‘well that’s more than normal’ or ‘where will the find 350 people? 

But I would never stoop to such cheap, stereotypical jokes. My big question is how will North be able to afford to get up to Sydney?

It is exciting that we may not be that far away from being able to go to the footy. At first, I was keen to play my part and not go to the footy to keep people alive, but as time goes by, I’m less interested in that.

It will be a special moment when I can again walk into the MCG, surrounded by fellow footy fans, and leave at three quarter time in a depressed state.

The Giants at least had some experience for the last few months. They practiced not playing footy in last year’s Grand Final.

Giants to win.

Sydney v Essendon (SCG) 3:35pm Seven

In a shock, Brandon Zerk-Thatcher has been suspended for breaching COVID-19 regulations. The shock was learning there’s a player called Brandon Zerk-Thatcher.

Obviously, it’s a massive out.

Apparently, he had a mate around to his house who shouldn’t have been there. It’s a timely lesson not to have mates.

Being a Victorian team, I believe this is just a storm in a tea cup and the AFL overreacted.

His not the only one in a bit of hot water. Ollie Wines allowed Channel Seven to interview him at his home, which is not allowed.

Given this is a non-Victorian side, this was an egregious breach which should result in nothing less than the loss of draft picks, premiership points and Port Adelaide being banned from the league for a thousand years.         

All this worry about the coronavirus is pointless anyway. I saw a bloke on 60 Minutes who was from Epping and was previously a instructor for security guards say it’s not real. That’s the sort of expertise I choose to rely on and I’m glad 60 Minutes gave such an authority a platform.

Sydney to win.

St Kilda v Western Bulldogs (MS) 6:05pm Foxtel

The MVP of the lockdown was of course Lachie Hunter, who managed to breach the lockdown, drink drive and crash into four cars, known as ‘doing a Buddy.’

It was great watching several AFL people saying Hunter’s reaction showed how much pressure we were all under during the lockdown.

Personally, I don’t think the rest of us went out, got drunk and sideswiped four cars no matter how much pressure we were under.

I lost all my income for the year and I only crashed into two cars while tipsy.

St Kilda have received no free-to-air games in this first block back, due to the fact they’re St Kilda.

Preventing St Kilda fans from seeing Saints games is a big win for mental health.

Bulldogs to win.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

COMMENTS

Mick Vagg

Jun 11, 2020

That’s how you knew it was an intraclub match, Crows player were putting up a fight.

Titus it was worth the wait just for that line.

Brynn Mathews

Jun 11, 2020

How unfair is it that 2,000+ people get to watch the game live in Adelaide and other games have to make do with cardboard cutouts in the stands!

Graeme Stenton

Jun 11, 2020

RE: Post Pandemic form: Collingwood won the Flag in 1919... the nightmare that's 2020 could still get worse.

Depressed

Jun 11, 2020

Graeme Stenton - please, please, don't give 2020 any ideas about how to make this whole thing worse for us all. Please.

Kharn LeTiges

Jun 11, 2020

You grubby Victorians need to wash your hands more..... then you might be able leave your homes sometime this year!!!!

Billy Ray Valentine

Jun 11, 2020

https://captiongenerator.com/1875352/AFL-and-clash-jumpers

Jeff Keogh

Jun 11, 2020

"With Fremantle and West Coast now on the Gold Coast, it now has two AFL teams based there."

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Beautifully played.

Johnno

Jun 11, 2020

'Most of us already knew that but there are always those people whose real job is just creating and going to meetings.' Absolutely nailed that one, Titus

Adam maratos

Jun 11, 2020

Ridiculous west coast have to be in Qld whilst Victorian teams are traveling to NSW to play.

Why can't WC just fly like normal? Idiots for brains AFL at it again

Mike

Jun 11, 2020

Re the Eagles and Freo now being on the Gold Coast, who's the second team?

bob

Jun 11, 2020

Can we just call it a protest and go to the footy?

Borissimo

Jun 11, 2020

Brave, brave man Titus taking jabs at el Collingwood Presidente. Hope you're ready for the whack back.

John

Jun 11, 2020

At the Gold Coast hubs you mentioned players might have requested the complete works of Tolstoy. I immediately thought of the complete works of Toy Story.

Daim

Jun 11, 2020

Surprised you didn't mention that the cardboard cut outs for Collingwood fans would have more personality (and they can photoshop the teeth back in).

Fat Side

Jun 11, 2020

Great work Titus; too many gems to quote them all! I’m not sure what I’ve missed more, the football or your guides/reactions.

Greg Briwn

Jun 11, 2020

The big question tonight
Will the cardboard cutout of the Pies President sag from Eddie’s tears

Roger Baggaley

Jun 11, 2020

"With Fremantle and West Coast now on the Gold Coast, it now has two AFL teams based there."

See now, not being a Queenslander, I didn't realise that Brisbane was counted as being part of the Gold Coast.

Keith

Jun 11, 2020

Thanks Titus, I knew I was missing something and thought it was the football.

Chris McConville

Jun 11, 2020

Dear Titus,
Thank you for putting the unctuous, patronising, sanctimonious, bilious covid-19 exhortations from corporations, coaches and media duds into proper world-weary perspective. Tik tok dances too. Yes there is only football, even if played, perhaps imitated by the Gold Coast Suns, And by the way Brisbane is only an extension of the Goldie it’s been that way ever since Russ Hinze built the freeway to nowhere, but strangely adjacent to the bottle shop of his Hinterland pub. Now there’s a man who could enliven quarantine the hubs. The Gold Coast really suits AFL players’ sense of social responsibility.

The whole ten yards

Jun 11, 2020

Who was nine coming? Brilliant Strebo.

Vern

Jun 11, 2020

Such gold. I was sad when it ended. Cant wait to read the summary on monday.

Also 2020 is only halfway through, dont tempt fate with this Carlton talk. At least we'll be grateful when the asteriod hits us in December

mdso

Jun 11, 2020

You do realise how long it takes to make card board cut outs and then to place them strategically in the stands
Actuall,y that's probably why the AFL decided to allow 350 people in to watch the footy. The scissors were very blunt.

Jane

Jun 12, 2020

Just before the world started acting like Mark Neeld was coaching it. GOLD.

Rhys Mc

Jun 12, 2020

Brilliant Titus - it was worth the wait for your second instalment. Hopefully, Volume Three won't take as long.
How good was the opening blockbuster ?
A perfect result. My wife and I predicted the draw as we analysed the weekend games.

Actually, it wasn't too bad. Loaded with Corona Lagers I managed to dose through the 2nd half of the third quarter and awaken mid-way through the last to discover that the score hadn't changed. On close inspection I realised that I was watching the final quarter. Thanks fellas for not wasting 30 minutes of my life.

Fortunately, nobody paid to sit through this Blockbuster Rubbish.
How good to see the frantic, high scoring games which 16 minutes quarters would deliver.

Never again should we be subjected to the notion that the scoring in AFLW is too low.

Evan Fulton

Jun 13, 2020

Joy of Joys Titus, thankyou. I’ve always said, ‘no Zerk-Thatcher- no Essendon’ and in one of the more unsettling moments this morning, Zerk-Thatcher appeared in my pre-emptive text at zer? Creepy.

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Jun 18, 2020

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