Mar 24, 2022

AFL

A highly unhelpful guide to Round Two

30 Comments

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Two.

Thursday

Western Bulldogs vs Carlton (Marvel) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Carlton fans, after celebrating last week’s win, must now confront the harsh reality that there are still 22 rounds of football left to be played. 

Footy, being a cruel and unusual business, has thrown the spanner in the works immediately.

Coach Michael Voss has covid and Adam Cerra and Jack Martin will both miss this game due to being classified as close contacts.

Adam Cerra is a big loss. In previous years he’s been overlooked by the media due to suffering from a dangerous case of ‘playing for Fremantle’. 

Now cured of this, suddenly the Melbourne media are noticing him, like when Rachael Leigh-Cook took off her glasses in She’s All That.

In good news for Carlton, Sam Walsh has been rushed back made a miracle recovery.

The Bulldogs have been in the media all week, with reporters making out that a trip to a Luke Beveridge media conference is like reporting from Kyiv.

Media conferences aside, the Doggies have problems on the field, with Bailey Smith injuring his hip.

Such injuries are common in mullet wearers. One side of the mullet tends to weigh more and that throws the whole body out of kilter.

This happened to a kid I went to school with. A combination of a mullet and tight acid-washed jeans means he still walks with a pronounced limp.

I’m tipping the Bulldogs.

Friday

Sydney vs Geelong (SCG) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

After a bye in Round One, Geelong must now travel north to take on the Swans and their goal kicking sensation Luke Parker.

It’s a milestone game for Joel Selwood, who will captain Geelong for the 226th time, equalling Stephen Kernahan’s record.

That’s a lot of games as captain, helped along by the fact that Selwood was appointed captain when he was thirteen.

In those 226 games as captain, he’s bled in 90 per cent of them and received four trillion frees for high tackles.

Speaking of milestones, we’re still on Buddy watch, waiting for him to slowly sneak up on that 1000th career goal.

Luckily for Buddy, Phil Davis will be in another state this week, so that should speed things up.

It’s hard to know who will win this, the Swans had trouble with a depleted GWS last week, while Geelong played an Essendon side that did an impression of a tour group that accidentally stumbled onto the MCG grass during a game.

I’m tipping Sydney.

Saturday

Collingwood vs. Adelaide (MCG) 1:45pm Fox Footy

Sometimes life just works out.

Like playing St Kilda, then realising you’ve got the Crows at the MCG the very next week.

Pies fans haven’t been this happy since discovering an administrative error in Victoria resulted in more than 1,000 police officers being invalidly sworn in over the past eight years.

Is it possible Collingwood could be good? I don’t want to overreact too much to just one game of footy but that bunker you’re currently building for the upcoming nuclear war can also double for a Pies premiership, although chances of a nuclear war are much higher.

The Adelaide Crows are in the ‘Josh Rachele is here to save us’ phase of their rebuild.

Losing last week by a solitary point is not something Crows fans would want to dwell on, that sole point just standing there between them and victory, like a single sentinel whose only job is to prevent them from being happy.

I mean, it’s just one point, an inconsequential rushed behind, and against Fremantle at Adelaide Oval.

Don’t dwell on it that one point.

I’m tipping the Pies.

Essendon vs. Brisbane (Marvel) 4:35pm Fox Footy

In the dark midnight of despair, Essendon fans found themselves in this week, there was once solitary candle of hope still burning, Nic Martin.

Anyway, that’s gone out now.

Martin will miss this week’s game due to being a covid close contact, making the AFL about the only place that still pays attention to Covid protocols.

The good news for the Bombers is there are plenty of opportunities for improvement.

I mean there are literally thousands of things they can do better than last week.

Where people see problems at Essendon, I see opportunities. But also, problems.

In good news, they get Jake Stringer back and nothing stabilises a situation more than adding Jake Stringer.

Brisbane won’t want to get complacent; Essendon wouldn’t be the first team to have a bad opening round, have us all tip against them, then turn it around in round two.

It’s human nature. We massively overcorrect based on very little data. I’ve experienced this in real life.

I mean, every date I go on ends five minutes in, with the woman telling me her mum has been rushed to hospital and she has to go.

After the thirtieth time, I started to think that perhaps this rash of hospitalisations couldn’t be a coincidence, and maybe, just maybe, these were made up excuses.

Talk about making a decision based on not enough data. How can people judge someone in just five minutes? Usually, it takes people a good forty-five minutes to work out they don’t like me.

Anyway.  

I’m tipping Brisbane. 

Port Adelaide vs. Hawthorn (AO) 7:40pm Seven/Fox

Mission accomplished last week for the Power, coming away from Brisbane with a loss, and a ton of injuries.

Aliir Aliir is going to miss about six weeks, Xavier Duursma is waiting on scans and Connor Rozee, Robbie Gray and Trent McKenzie are all questionable (in an injury sense).

It’s not an ideal start to the season, but the good news is they get to play Hawthorn.

The Hawks sent a strong message to the rest of the comp last week when they beat North, “we’re a little bit better than North” the message read.

The good news for Hawthorn fans is that premiership window should be wide open by the time Australia gets its next delivery of submarines.

Even with the injuries, I’m tipping Port.

Gold Coast vs. Melbourne (MS) 8:00pm Fox Footy

Despite being brutally murdered last week by Willie Rioli, Matt Rowell will play this week.

It would be nice to see Rowell get through a season injury-free but the way he plays, it’s as unlikely as a politician getting through a career free from scandal.

Every time I see him play, I want to yell out, “be careful, and put on some sunscreen!”

The Suns have a step up in class this week with the Demons visiting.

I just wanted to write that sentence because I’ve never been able to write it before.

Christian Petracca was in fine form last week, but there’s one area of his that he doesn’t get credit for, and that’s his acting in the Cash Converters ad.

What a double threat, an actor/athlete.

So convincing is his performance, it makes me want to fence all my stolen goods at Cash Converters.

That’s a joke Cash Converters, before your lawyers contact me, as a Melbourne supporter all my crime is white collar. 

Dees to win.

Sunday

North Melbourne vs. West Coast (Marvel) 1:10pm Fox Footy

Willie Rioli, who has previously proven himself quite talented at getting suspended, has suddenly lost the knack.

We all know the AFL tribunal exists for one reason and one reason only, to confuse AFL fans.

In this regard, it has exceeded even the wildest dreams of those who created it.

While Mitch Robinson will miss this week due to his front-on collision with Xavier Duursma, Rioli, somehow managed to get his one week ban overturned.

The AFL made noises about appealing the decision, only to not do that, leaving everyone scratching their heads.

Those heads they were scratching are sacrosanct by the way.

“The head is sacrosanct,” they always say.

I’m beginning to think the AFL doesn’t know what the word ‘sacrosanct’ means. They probably think it’s a racehorse.

“Yeah Sacrosanct, won the Underwood Stakes, good horse. Cousin made a mint off it.”

Rioli being able to play is good news for the Eagles, as they can barely field a side, Josh Kennedy being the latest out.

North can field a side, it’s not a great side but they can field it.

If they are ever going to have a chance at a win, it’s against this depleted Eagles side.

And you know what? I’m going to tip the Roos, because while I may not know a lot about football, I know how to make bold predictions based on gut feel. Hire me SEN! 

Richmond vs. Greater Western Sydney (MCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

Richmond fans, still coming to terms with losing to Carlton, now find themselves without Jack Riewoldt, Dion Prestia and Dustin Martin

I’m no David King, I don’t have the full power of The Lab behind me or whatever its now called, but that’s not good.

That’s the thing with footy, one-minute things are so good your chest doesn’t feel like it’s been crushed under the relentless weight of despair, and then the next minute, it does.

The Giants don’t win at the MCG a lot but this certainly presents a chance.

GWS had some bad news this week, however, with former AFL Andrew Demetriou predicting they would become a very big club.

This is devastating news from the Giants, given Demetriou record on picking winners.

In a move that even I think is crazy, I’m tipping the Giants.

Fremantle vs. St Kilda (OS) 6:20pm Fox Footy

St Kilda will want to improve on last week’s game, a performance so lacklustre it is amazing Hayden Christensen wasn’t somehow involved.

They were just so lifeless.

The Saints supporters I talked to expressed disappointment in the performance but said there was no reason to write them off just yet.

But their eyes! Their eyes said something different altogether. Those eyes have seen things, you know?

Sad things. Painful things. Looking into those eyes was looking back through time, at a conciseness that had seen pain across a timescale unimaginable to most of us.

Their eyes said, “we’ve seen this all before. It will hurt, but we will endure, because what’s the alternative? Go for one of the other teams? No thank you.”

Fremantle fans will be shocked to learn Nat Fyfe is injured again. He’s been set for scans on his troublesome back.

Perhaps most concerning of all, the club has said, “at this stage it's a minor setback.”

Oh no. ‘At this stage’ and ‘minor setback’ are the two phrases you never want to be linked to a star player.

I’m tipping the Dockers.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

COMMENTS

Dave

Mar 24, 2022

Thanks for reminding me not to remember that ONE SOLITARY POINT! The McLaren Vale red will help …

Luke's Beverage

Mar 24, 2022

The Eagles are no good.

Duce

Mar 24, 2022

Titus, come on. Sure Kennedy is out but we're looking at Ryan, Kelly, Shuey, Darling, maybe Duggan, back in. That's not a bad lineup.

Mike

Mar 24, 2022

Good point, Duce, if it was 5 aside - or AFLZ

FULL MOON OVER NUNAWADING

Mar 24, 2022

*I mean, every date I go on ends five minutes in, with the woman telling me her mum has been rushed to hospital and she has to go.*

I know the feeling. The last date I was on she fainted just after she saw me in 3D. She was pretty nice about it though. She said she was weak from dieting.

Hong Kong Phooty

Mar 24, 2022

Neck injuries are also common with mullets, particularly when emerging from the water and giving a flick of the head for that majestic sweep of hair… the weight of the wet locks swinging around can give you whiplash.

Then, when attempting the same move the first time after cutting your hair, you can spin your head clean off your shoulders without that lustrous counterweight.

Ross

Mar 24, 2022

Best line of the week (and there are plenty!)

"Pies fans haven’t been this happy since discovering an administrative error in Victoria resulted in more than 1,000 police officers being invalidly sworn in over the past eight years."

Mark Rodney Smith

Mar 24, 2022

Given the MCG reluctance to vary food options available from the rare open venues, surely pies supporters will be in heaven with just $6 pies or chips to choose from this weekend?

Murray Willmott

Mar 24, 2022

Rioli gets off and Robinson gets a week! Clearly the tribunal was on the sauce and got the two cases mixed up!!

Peter

Mar 24, 2022

It is an insult to say Joel Selwood has bled in 90% of games and received four trillion frees. He has bled in 93% of games and earned five trillion frees.

The g train

Mar 24, 2022

“This is devastating news from the Giants, given Demetriou record on picking winners”. But rich coming from Titus.

Yes, judgements using only sparse data is always tricky and dangerous. This is where quantum retro-causality comes in handy. I believe St Kilda are looking into it.

DC

Mar 24, 2022

Does Geelong employ a trainer with the sole job of wrapping Joel Selwood's head in surgical bandages each week?

Gail Catriona Redd

Mar 24, 2022

Gold , pure gold .
Cannot get the grin off my face from reading such insightful comments

Penis McPenisington

Mar 24, 2022

Is ‘Duce’ pronounced “Deushay” or “Doocheey”?

Big Dean Wallis Cant Be Stopped

Mar 24, 2022

Titus, gold on Matt Rowell:

Every time I see him play, I want to yell out, “be careful, and put on some sunscreen!”

My Mum says the same thing when she sees him. She is also a Geelong supporter and thinks Joel Selwood has a blood thinning disease and that Tom Hawkins gets no love from the umpires. I've hired a hitman to take her out, but they always claim she is too sweet and they couldn't go through with it, and they keep my money.

Peter

Mar 24, 2022

Hawkins demands to be loved. That’s the problem.

Elly

Mar 24, 2022

“Geelong played an Essendon side that did an impression of a tour group that accidentally stumbled onto the MCG grass during a game.”
You’ve had plenty of ripper comments Titus & this one is right up there. Then again, Joel Selwood & Collingwood are right up there too. Brilliant assessment this week.

Tom

Mar 24, 2022

You can do a lot in 5 minutes. Or should i comment on your tipping.

Circus

Mar 24, 2022

Titus, I'm a Saints supporter. For 57 years. Where have we met? How long did you look into my eyes? Why has no-one told me the reason they see long suffering pain and anguish in my eyes isn't due to my latest, socially crippling, almost continuous faux pas? What is the plural of faux pas?

Circus

Mar 24, 2022

Titus, I'm a Saints supporter. For 57 years. Where have we met? How long did you look into my eyes? Why has no-one told me the reason they see long suffering pain and anguish in my eyes isn't due to my latest, socially crippling, almost continuous faux pas? What is the plural of faux pas?

Doug

Mar 24, 2022

The Eagles are hoping star recruit Des Perado, who’s been out riding fences, will come to his senses and come to town. He’s a hard one and can hurt you somehow.

Sad pedant

Mar 24, 2022

Strictly speaking the expression is …… made a mint off of it. Good but.

stoney33

Mar 24, 2022

BIG FELLA a couple of things i feel i need to pull you up on.(1 ) those eyes of the saints supporters are VERY similar to us being dees fans i mean we have seen and endured so many bad things we are on an even keel BUT that was before as we have turned the corner and started understanding if you keep possession and share the ball with men in the same colours as you it seems to help you win? strange that.(2 ) i think you need to lead the charge on behalf of the average footy fan by taking on the AFL tribunal. i am still waiting for gill to come out and say the riolli decision was just an early april fools day joke.I mean fair dinkum if rod grinter had of done that he would still be in H division at pentridge (even though it closed years ago ) anyway round 2 is here to find more silly things to amuse/abuse ourselves.GO DEES

Ollie

Mar 24, 2022

Thank footy has started. I get to read Titus every week again.

Ollie

Mar 24, 2022

Thank 'insert imaginary friend of choice' footy has started. I get to read Titus every week again.

Jeff Mills

Mar 24, 2022

I think you are struggling with a Carlton side that has one not once but twice before Easter. I myself had a full head of hair and a flat stomach last time that occurred.

With Hawthorn next week and a resurgent twin peaks I am uncertain how to comprehend the concept of being 3 and 0.

Please help us in this regard Titus.

That Front Bar will be crowded with Pangy going off about the blue storm!

Go Doggies

Mar 25, 2022

For some reason I only got this today, and you still tipped the Dogs.

Tarax Club

Mar 26, 2022

Titus as round two comes around you’re blasting away the cobwebs nicely. Mercilessly mirthful is back with bang bang bang! Of course round one is the season is the AFL version of fashion week. The stars come out onto the ‘boardwalk’ sporting the latest off season accessories in tattoos and ‘cuts. The Bulldogs’ stars (exclusive to Teddy’s Saloon), favour “Kiss Lift Up Complete Bleach” with their mullets. St Kilda seemingly intent on gaining cache’ with the Tim Burton in-crowd, sport the lobotomised look exclusive to Sweeney Todd. Not a lot of laughs going down at Linton St it appears.

Catta

Mar 26, 2022

Dear me, isn’t that a massive contradiction in Privilege? A Melbourne player & MCC member doing an ad for Cash Converters? Surely the Australian Screen Actors Guild will step in here & support roles for appropriate actors be first considered, like a Norf supporter or even a former Fitzroy board member

stevo

Mar 28, 2022

Titus, the Cerra affliction of 'playing for Fremantle' is actually and simply 'playing for a non Victorian club' as George Hewitt is in the same boat. We Swans fans know just what a great player George is but it seems Victorian footy journo's are just finding this out. Suddenly he's 'a player'......with dumb Melbourne footy people actually posing the question 'who knew?' Well, everyone who doesn't have their Victorian heads stuck well and truly up their Victorian arses, that's who. Dumb biased idiots.

Leave a comment

We promise to never share your email with anyone else.