Sep 23, 2022
A Highly Unhelpful Guide to the AFL Grand Final 2022
Geelong v Sydney
The holiest of holy days, Grand Final Day, is upon us.
It’s a time to drink before noon in public without people judging you, and for adults to wear face paint, and be judged, but not as harshly as normal.
This year, we have two teams who are regularly in the finals and have had a lot of success in recent times, meaning there is no fairy tale this year.
But there is a chance to barrack against someone, which is always fun.
Here is the only guide you’ll need for this year’s game. It is frequently inaccurate.
Unfortunately, the AFL have gone out and got a rather good list of performers for this year’s entertainment.
Personally, I like my Grand Final entertainment to be unmitigated disasters that are seared onto your brain for the rest of your life. Angry Anderson and the batmobile and Meatloaf being the pinnacle of that style.
But we should acknowledge the cast of Australian Idol’s performance and Daryl Somers singing Waltzing Matilda in a white linen suit rolled up at the sleeves.
This year we get Goanna, Christine Anu, Emma Donovan, Tasman Keith, William Barton, G Flip, Mike Brady, The Temper Trap featuring Budjerah and Ngaiire, and Katie Noonan.
On top of all that, headlining will be Robbie Williams, with a guest appearance by Gillon McLachlan’s dance partner Delta Goodrem.
I was personally hoping for the long-anticipated Mike Brady and G Flip collaboration, but alas, it doesn’t appear to be on the cards.
8am – Melbourne Cricket Club gates open, rich people let in.
9am – Seven Network pre-match coverage begins
9:30am – General and AFL Reserve gates open, poor people let in. Just kidding, poor people aren’t allowed at the Grand Final.
9:35am – Grand final curtain-raiser begins: NAB All Stars vs U18s Futures match
1:02pm – Teams warm up on the MCG
1:25pm – Welcome to Country
1:25pm – Retiring players motorcade
1:33pm – Mike Brady to perform
1:40pm – Pre-match entertainment: Robbie Williams with Delta Goodrem
2:11pm – Umpires enter field, match ball is delivered
2:13pm – Sydney players enter field
2:16pm – Geelong players enter field
2:24pm – Acknowledgement of Country
2:25pm – Premiership Cup delivered by ambassador Bachar Houli
2:26pm – National anthem performed by Katie Noonan
2:28pm – Coin toss
2:30pm – AFL grand final starts
3pm – Quarter time
3:06pm – Second quarter starts
3:36pm– Half time
3:42pm– Half time entertainment: Goanna with Christine Anu, Emma Donovan, Tasman Keith, William Barton; G Flip; The Temper Trap, Budjerah, Ngaire, The Australian Girls Choir
4pm– Third quarter starts
4:30pm– Three-quarter time
4:36pm– Fourth quarter starts
5:06pm– Final siren
5:15pm– Post-match presentation2:30PM 2022 Toyota AFL Grand Final starts
Channel Seven has exclusive broadcast rights to the Grand Final, so get ready for ads.
If you like gambling ads and ads telling you about shows coming up on Seven, you will be in heaven.
Most importantly, it’s a chance for the kids to learn how to put a multi together and understand how odds work.
And people say the AFL isn’t educational!
The Geelong Football Club is an organisation strategically placed amongst a host of marginal federal and state seats, meaning they are showered with money by all political parties with such regularity they almost don’t know how to spend it all.
The club formed in 1859, making it the second oldest in the AFL and one of the oldest clubs in the world, which is also true of its playing list.
The Cats have been far and away the best team in the competition this year and are currently on a 15-game winning streak, which is good if you’re new to the game.
They are a lot of veterans, but while they’re old, that just means they’re crafty and hate driving at night.
Plus, they have a lot of good younger players coming through, meaning, unfortunately, they are a real chance to win it all.
Tom Hawkins- He’s the big guy up forward who kicks a lot of goals. He’ll also ruck while the ball is in the Cats forward fifty.
Amazingly, he hasn’t been suspended this finals series, which is like Keith Richard’s getting through a tour without taking anything.
Patrick Dangerfield- Earlier in the year, Dangerfield saved a family from drowning in the surf, proving this guy will do anything to get his head on telly.
Joel Selwood- This is Selwood’s fortieth final, a record, and his sixth Grand Final. He is one of the bravest players of all time and plays for frees so often Jack Ginnivan can legitimately wonder why people focus on him. It’s the blonde hair.
Jeremy Cameron- Cameron pairs with Hawkins up front and is an incredibly dangerous forward. He started his career at the Giants but his dream of playing for an AFL club never went away.
The Sydney Swans stated life as the South Melbourne Football Club, who were founded in 1874.
In 1982, after the then VFL ran them into the ground financially because they wanted a team in Sydney, they moved to the harbour city.
They then sucked for years until they got Tony Lockett, and a bunch of other things happened, and they then became a powerhouse of the league.
The Swans are on a seven-game winning streak and delighted the world by defeating Collingwood by just one beautiful solitary point last week.
They’ve been rebuilding steadily for years, with a competency that is rare in the AFL and is very boring.
Just once, I wish they’d all get drunk in a Balinese nightclub with an Instagram bikini model or have a dust-up at a French restaurant.
Buddy Franklin- Franklin, who kicked his 1000th career goal this year, is famously in his ninth year of a multi-billion-dollar deal, which many predicted would be a mistake.
Instead, once the Swans pointed out to him that they drive on the same side of the road in Sydney as they do in Melbourne, it’s all gone terrifically well.
Dane Rampe- One of Sydney’s most important defenders, Rampe once tried to climb a goal post during a game in one of the weirdest things I’ve seen on the field.
While I’m hoping he does it in the Grand Final, like the Mike Brady and G Flip crossover, it’s unlikely.
Tom Papley- Papley is one of those guys that brings both energy and rather ridiculous skills to the Swans.
A forward, the normal rules don’t apply to him, like pushing an opponent in the back. More than any other player for the Swans, if he gets going, things could go well for them.
Paddy McCartin- McCartin was the first pick of the 2014 national draft, but in five seasons at St Kilda he suffered eight concussions and looked out of the game.
Sydney took a chance on him this season, and he now gets a chance at premiership glory.
He’s worth barracking for just for that.
The Bureau is predicting the day to be partly cloudy with a 40 per cent chance of showers in the early morning.
The good news is there’s not much rain and it should clear.
Both these teams are on long winning streaks with few weaknesses and stars everywhere, making this difficult to tip.
Making it even more difficult is the fact I’m terrible at tipping.
I’m not good enough to be worth listening to, but I’m not quite bad enough to tip against with confidence.
So, with that said, I’m tipping Geelong, who I think have the slight edge across the ground.
Either way, I love the Grand Final so much, it’s my favourite day of the year, and I hope you all have the greatest day.
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