Sep 20, 2019


A highly unhelpful guide to the Preliminary Finals


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics. 

It’s your unhelpful guide to the Preliminary Finals.


Richmond vs Geelong (MCG) Seven & Fox 7:50pm

Across the traditional heartlands of Australian Rules, you can feel the excitement building, from the former working-class suburbs of Richmond and Collingwood, across to the City of Geelong, and back again to the desks of the AFL Marketing department.

A place in the AFL Grand Final is on the line and you can feel the pressure building.

Richmond have already been anointed Premiers, so now they basically need to fill out the paperwork to make it official. But we also thought that last year and then all hell broke loose.

Given Geelong finished higher on the ladder, the Tigers favouritism is surprising, the reason for it is the Cats choose to peak during the first half of the season.

Adding to the concerns about the Cats is the fact Tom Hawkins misses this due to his fondness for punching people.

They say if your hobby starts interfering with your work it might be an addiction.

Not hitting people seems to be something the majority of us breeze through life achieving, but for some it appears a really struggle.

At least Tom Hawkins bent down to see if the bloke he clocked was OK afterwards, which shows he is a Good Bloke.

The Tigers will be thrilled Hawkins is out, everything is falling into place for them. Is there any scenario where they could lose this? There sure is, and if you talk to a Tigers supporter, they’ll tell you a thousand of them.

But I think the Tigers will win, although, I’d like to see a Cats victory, just to enjoy a week of Chris Scott calling for the Grand Final to be played in Geelong.

Collingwood vs Greater Western Sydney (MCG) Seven & Fox 4:35pm

No matter how good this game is, we’ll seen nothing of the athletic feats Toby Greene’s defenders have pulled off to make out he’s in some way a victim.

In fairness, I do feel for those people who are just discovering the AFL Tribunal system isn’t consistent or logical. You know the last time the AFL tribunal system worked? Never. It’s always been a basket case. Should it be better? Of course, but it’s like wishing water wasn’t wet.

The Giants hierarchy in response to the verdict have thrown the toys out of the cot in one of the biggest dummy tantrums I’ve seen in footy.

Personally, I thought the AFL system did Greene a huge favour letting him play last week, and what does he do? Almost the exact same thing. On stupidity alone he deserved to go.

Not since Fred Hollows has an Australian stuck his fingers in so many other people’s eyes.

And while people say you need to assess each case on its merits, it’s Toby who keeps unnecessarily putting himself in these positions, no one else, the idea this has been a witch hunt is the most ludicrous think I’ve ever heard said outside Parliament House.

It’s like claiming Meatloaf’s Grand Final performance has been unfairly maligned.

Where’s the Giants saying ‘we think the decision itself was unfair, but Toby has to take some accountability for constantly doing silly things?’

Consider Toby’s history:

2012 Rough Conduct (1 week)

2012 Melee (Fine)

2013 Umpire Contact (Fine)

2014 Melee (Fine)

2015 Spitting (Fine)

2015 Melee (Fine)

2016 Misconduct (Fine)

2017 Misconduct (Fine)

2017 Striking (Fine)

2017 Headbutting (cleared)

2017 Striking (2 Weeks)

2017 Striking (2 Weeks)

2017 Misconduct (Fine)

2018 Misconduct (Fine)

2019 Misconduct (Fine)

2019 Eye Contact (1 week)

When you look at that, the idea he’s been target by the AFL judiciary is ridiculous. Toby has only Toby Greene to blame for his current predicament, he’s had plenty of slaps on the wrist where he could have cleaned up his act.

You put yourself in front of the Match Review Officer that many times and you’re going to get some lucky decisions and some unlucky decisions.

I understand the Giants feel everyone is against them, and in many ways, everyone is, but that’s better than being the Suns, who everyone thinks should be shut down, if they’re ever thought about at all.

And ask Collingwood what it’s like to have everyone against them, people don’t like the Giants, but they hate Collingwood, if this was happening to a Collingwood player, there wouldn’t outrage from anyone else but Pies fans, everyone else would be opening the champagne.

In fact, the only way Toby Greene could be more hated by fans is if he went to Collingwood.

And to show I’m not a Giants hater, I wish Toby hadn’t done what he’d done. I also wish Lachie Whitfield’s appendix had better timing and that Stephen Coniglio was fit, because we are dangerously close to a Collingwood Premiership.

No event terrifies me more. I’ve lived through a cyclone in Miami, I got tear gassed in Peru, robbed at gunpoint in El Salvador, had to line up for breakfast in Camberwell, and nothing terrified me more than a Collingwood Premiership.

The Giants winning a Premiership doesn’t terrify me at all, because you’ll never meet a Giants supporter, but in Melbourne, the year after a Collingwood Premiership is what I imagine living in Rome was in 410 AD when it was sacked by the Visigoths.

Collingwood to win.

Titus has shows coming up in Hobart and Brisbane. Tickets available here:   

Titus’ new book Please, Gamble Irresponsibly: The rise, fall and rise of sport gambling in Australia will be out on 5th November 2019. You can pre-order it now.



Sep 20, 2019

I call BS. It's impossible to be caught in a CYCLONE in Miami...

Fat Side

Sep 20, 2019

On your current tipping form Titus, that gives us a Geelong vs GWS Grand Final, so they probably could fit the crowd into Kardinia Park.


Sep 20, 2019

I think I need help. I have found myself NOT wanting Collingwood to fail. I think their doco has actually worked and I am seeing them as human and ... admirable. There, I’ve said it. Richmond, on the other hand...

Frosty from Collingwood

Sep 20, 2019

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California
And anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man
And we made love in the sun

Oh, I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
When I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
And showed 'em what I've got

I've been undressed by kings
And I've seen some things that a man ain't supposed to see
I've been to paradise
But I've never been to me


Sep 20, 2019

Unfair in the extreme Titus, as one who was lucky to be at the ground during Meatloaf’s much maligned performance, I thought he did a wonderful job on the day, you just had to be there I guess!

Royce in Richmond

Sep 20, 2019

"had to line up for breakfast in Camberwell" ha! Sounds like a Melbourne supporter that missed the snow trip.


Sep 20, 2019

Gary Gary Gary, I was lucky enough to be at GF with the Meatloaf performance. Mate, it was some performance alright; an absolute shocker.


Sep 20, 2019

That Fred Hollows line. 😜

Dal Ailama

Sep 20, 2019

".....the idea this has been a witch hunt is the most ludicrous think I’ve ever heard"
Either a typo or comedic genius. You decide.

Pug Sey

Sep 20, 2019

Fred Hollows was a Kiwi

Kafka’s Ghost

Sep 20, 2019

I was at the MCG when Meatloaf performed, but fortunately was in the queue for an overpriced pie and only caught the occasional groan from the crowd.


Sep 20, 2019

Love the rap sheet on the GWS cherub. Missed the (out in the real world) Melbourne Magistrates Court appearance. Fined $2500 but not convicted

Johnny V

Sep 20, 2019

So out of the 16 charges brought against Greene, you are ok with 11 of them? Kind of makes a mockery of your article.


Sep 20, 2019

A drunken fellow in a Dublin bar was talking to me about the Rugby World Cup , I said I have no idea but I was sure we would beat Ireland, I asked him who would win the AFL grand final , he said “ I got no idea what you’re talking about ‘


Sep 20, 2019

Can someone give me a hand with the Camberwell reference. Is it a type and mean Cambelltown in Sydney? Or is the joke that Camberwell is actually a posh suburb in Melbourne but would be considered rough by a Melbourne supporter?


Sep 21, 2019

@ Tommo: Camberwell isn't quite Toorak or Brighton, but it's not far off.


Sep 21, 2019

Where's Mad Dog?!? I need another useless, one-eyed West Co .... ohhh wait, when are the Eagles playing this week?

Blackswamp Barracker

Sep 22, 2019

Oh JOHNNY V JOHNNY V JOHNNY V. You didn't really think Titus meant 'This one was OK' each time he wrote (Fine) after one of T. Greene's misdemeanours, did you???


Sep 24, 2019

Thanks for coming, @BLACKSWAMP BARRACKER. I'll throw you back and let someone else have a turn...

Leave a comment

We promise to never share your email with anyone else.