A column every day for twenty days, as we get more football than we even asked for.
Occasionally, this column will even mention football but rarely sensibly.
Last Night
Adelaide (38) v Collingwood (62)
And on the fourteenth day, a man arrived with flowing locks that shone with an aura of gold and were rumoured to cure anyone who touched them.
And the Collingwood faithful rejoiced, because here was a man who could plug a whole in their backline and even went forth and kicked a goal, and they said it was good.
Then the Collingwood faithful went to cut their hair in a similar fashion and realised they didn’t need to. And they praised him.
I fully believed that without Lynden Dunn’s mullet, the Pies would have lost this game.
This isn’t a crazy theory, Tex Walker has struggled since he cut his mullet, just witness last night’s effort. Walker turned the ball over in key moments, effectively giving the Pies and extra player at times.
I can’t see the Crows winning this year. Even when they give superior effort, they can’t score, and then their interest wanes, like someone watching the trying to stick with the fifth season of Lost.
Today
Gold Coast v Essendon (Metricon) 7:10pm Foxtel
Before we get touch on this game, let talk about the fact the AFL have to hold a meeting with all 18 teams to get them to remind their players not to inappropriately touch their teammates.
It should be a quick meeting.
“Hey everyone, could you get players to stop grabbing each other’s genitals and attempting to Hopoate each other?”
“That seems a reasonable request.”
“Yeah, I can’t believe we’re having to say this.”
Meeting ends.
In fairness to the AFL, the league is sometimes ungovernable. Things happen that anyone just wouldn’t expect.
You can’t blame them for not having a ‘no Hopoating each other’ policy. This is after all the league that had players set dwarf on fire; you can’t predict these things.
Essendon’s injury issues are not fixed and now there are stories of deep unhappiness over the coaching handover.
Coaching handovers almost never go well. They are like announcing you’re going to dump your partner for someone else and then have a period of time when you all live together.
Gold Coast showed some fight last week, but the Saints have since shown they may not be as good as we thought.
It’s doubtful the Suns will play finals, but this doesn’t have to be a wasted year.
They can keep developing their players, and the commentators can learn some of the Suns players names beyond Izak Rankine and Matt Rowell.
Suns to win.
A big thankyou to everyone who has become a supporter recently. Part of the reason I can write what I like is thanks to you all supporting me. It’s made a huge difference in these difficult times and encourages to keep going.
At the moment I’m barely able to work, so you can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. It’s greatly appreciated. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus
COMMENTS
Andrew Pelechaty
Aug 12, 2020
Using the John Hopoate incident as a verb not once, but twice? Brilliant.
The g train
Aug 12, 2020
I thought ADELAIDE showed a bit last night. Even at half time, I started to believe in Mary Poppins’ inspirational and memorable saying: “all things are possible, even the impossible”. I reckon, sooner or later, Adelaide will win a game of AFL footy. By mid-decade at the latest.
The Moose
Aug 12, 2020
Then the Collingwood faithful went to cut their hair in a similar fashion and realised they didn’t need to. And they praised him.
Titus, this is in contention for paragraph of the year. Superb.
James Mitchell
Aug 12, 2020
Its like a primary school camp the way they have to talk to these "adults". We have spoken to the players and told them it is unacceptable behaviour and if they do it again we will ring their parents and ask them to come and take them home.
SSTID
Aug 12, 2020
What is going to happen on the 21st day? It's easier for the true believers who cut off the Murdoch media in 1999 and extended the grudge to their streaming services but does the AFL have a plan for fans who have become dependent on two games a day?
Basher O’Houli
Aug 12, 2020
Whenever the ball hits the deck now you’ve got 1 or 2 trying to get the ball and 8 tacklers hanging around waiting to pounce. You can see the ring of players hanging back because they’ve calculated that they’re better off waiting for someone else to grab it then they’ll tackle or try to receive a handball. So we get the ugly rolling maul of continuous ball ups. The only way out that I can see is to free it up by reducing teams to 16 players on the ground (14 for SCG games). Or you could make it a jump ball like basketball and teams would take it in turn to get possession. That’d remove the incentive for the constant pile-on tackles.
Magpie Barry
Aug 12, 2020
"could plug a whole in their backline"... certainly big enough to plug more than one hole...
The Dude Abides
Aug 12, 2020
It appears that Bucks has breached the social isolation guidelines once again by 'fist pumping' a mate in the crowd last night. It's ok though, Gil has agreed that he can do his 14days at the Alicia Molik Tennis Academy in Adelaide.
It's a shame though as with the Pies current injury list he was almost a certainty to be called up for the match against the Demons this Sat night.
In other news, Dan has announced that in the interests of social inclusion, this years NYE fireworks presentation from Fed Square has been outsourced to the Melbourne chapter of Hezbollah. What could possibly go wrong?
Hair Today Gone Tomorrow
Aug 12, 2020
SAMSON EFFECT? Putting aside the fact that mullets were banned under a UN Convention on Bad-Taste Haircuts (add it to the list of other UN conventions widely ignored in Australia) there does appear to be a Samson effect of debilitating weakness and loss of skill after their removal. On the other hand if players spent less time parading their hair cuts around the oval and concentrated more on the game we'd all be enjoying it a lot more.
Rodger King
Aug 12, 2020
The only good thing about the Crows, losing each game, is that with each one they lose, they get closer to the one they will eventually win.
Garry John Gallagher
Aug 12, 2020
Buisness at the front. Party at the back. Let the party continue..
Saint Peter
Aug 12, 2020
After the AFL officially had to tell players it is not a good look to do a "Hopoate", I now look forward to the next ingenious way players will require the AFL to yet again read the riot act to them. As we all know the AFL never writes the rules that cover all the possibilities & that players always find away around those new rules.