Aug 02, 2020


AFL Mad Scramble: Day Five


A column every day for twenty days, as we get more football than we even asked for.

Occasionally, this column will even mention football but rarely sensibly.

Last Night

North Melbourne (119) v Adelaide (50)

I'm glad Crows fans can still get to the pub, they'll need it.

Watching the second worst team in the competition belt your side all over the park will make you turn to drink and possibly much stronger substances.

I’m all for legalising marijuana for Crows supporters.

How the Crows got this bad is one of the great ‘how to not run a football club’ case studies ever produced. The fact some of the people still involved in piloting this nosedive are still flying the plane is frankly bizarre. 

North to their credit responded to Rhys Shaw’s dropping of a few key players by working hard all game, they were simply better in every aspect, and Roos fans will be hoping this is a sign of things to come, not a reflection of playing a team the SANFL would chew up and spit out.

Of course, the big storyline was Majak Daw’s return to footy. In 2020, any good news is grabbed on to like a life raft in shark infected seas.

It even made me smile, which actually hurt because I hadn’t used those muscles since January.

St Kilda (101) v Sydney (48)

Sydney returned back to earth with a thud, as St Kilda flexed their muscles and ran all over them in the fourth quarter.

The Swans certainly hung in there longer than anyone thought, but it felt all along they were just hanging in there.

Probably the Swan’s only highlight of the game was watching John Longmire losing it in the coaches box. He looked like me when someone asks me how I think the lockdown is going.

Red faced, yelling, extreme hand gestures and those around him all trying to get away from him as fast as they can. It was a beautiful sight.

I don’t know why but watching someone absolutely lose it is just funny. I remember being in a meeting once when the boss just lost it and instead of reacting in fear I started laughing, which made him lose it more, which made me only laugh even harder. It was a reinforcing cycle.

If he hadn’t have sacked me, we’d probably both still be there.

For Brett Ratten, this was almost a perfect day, the only negative was when Jake Carlisle went after Dane Rampe’s injured hand.

How would have thought Carlisle would be the one to ruin something? He’s usually such a smart decision maker.

West Coast (73) v Geelong (64)

It’s taken months, but we finally got a great game of footy.

For a few moments I even forgot the hellscape that is 2020 and just enjoyed watching a game.

It was wonderful.

Geelong showed that even with some key outs, they still have a fighting spirit that would make any club jealous.

With the Eagles looking like one of the favourites for the Premierships, the Cats ignored that script and were almost four goals up in the second half, when things started to slowly turn, and then it was on.

You could tell there was a real crowd there because the booing was back, as the fourth quarter became a real classic, despite the umpires still enforcing the holding the ball rule by a raffle method.

Seeing both side crash in whenever the ball was on the ground showed our game can still be great, especially when the umpires decide they don’t need to be a key part of the spectacle.

In the end, the Eagles just had the talent, but Geelong showed that effort is still more important than anything else people talk about in footy.


Gold Coast v Greater Western Sydney (Metricon) 3:35pm Foxtel

The Suns strong start to the season has wobbled a bit lately, they’ve won two out of their last five, proving what I’ve been saying for years, no Matt Rowell, no Gold Coast.

A positive for the Suns is they have few injuries and a young list, not a bad mix for playing a lot of games in a short period of times.

But like all young teams, consistency eludes them.

Consistency is a wonderful thing. At least sometimes I think that, other times less so.

The Giants are coming off a much-needed victory against Richmond and they need to win this to keep in touch of the eight.

Greater Western Sydney need to make the eight this year. You can’t have that much talent on a list and spend it slumming outside the eight.

It’s just a waste, like getting The Rolling Stones to open for Shannon Noll.

Giants to win.

Fremantle v Collingwood (OS) 6:10pm Foxtel

First off, a big thank you to the Collingwood Football Club for the amount of material they provide me, they are one of the greatest content creators going around.

Eddie McGuire’s ‘do as I say not as my club does’ attitude was on full display this week as no less than his senior coach breached protocols the day after Eddie said people that did should be sent home.

There’s an easy explanation for the breach, apparently, Nathan Buckley had a few drinks, fell asleep on the couch and got up to go to the bathroom and walked out the wrong door and into a tennis match.

It’s happened to all of us.

When many people I know are without jobs, having their businesses closed and wondering how they will make ends meet, it’s breathtaking how a range of AFL players, officials and partners are behaving in such a cavalier fashion about the privilege they are getting.

I know, many are doing the right thing, but the ones that aren’t are selfish.

Think hub life is hard? Come back to Melbourne then, where it’s much, much worse, and only going to get harsher.

What I’d give to be locked in a Queensland resort with a pool for months.

Eddie was right about one thing; these people should be sent home. Buckley’s excuse was weak. Why did he think playing tennis with people outside the hub was ok? That makes no sense at all, it’s frankly completely unbelievable.

Once again, we learn there is one rule for celebrities and powerful people and another for the rest of us, and those who are given those privileges don’t even value it.

Pies to win.

I just wanted to finish off by thanking all those who have become supporters in recent weeks. It’s meant the world to me and has really helped me keeping doing what I do, so thank you.    

At the moment I’m barely able to work, so you can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. It’s greatly appreciated. Find out more here:



Aug 02, 2020

"walked out the wrong door & into a tennis match".......pure gold once again, Titus :-)


Aug 02, 2020

Great write-up, Titus. Couldn't agree more on the Buckley tennis thing. He's a genuinely good bloke, but that was just poor form making that excuse. Really frustrating to see people abuse the privileges they're given, while millions of us in Melbourne do the right thing despite the toll this shitty virus is taking on all of us.


Aug 02, 2020

Has Eddie's head exploded yet?
His favourite son does the wrong thing - Collingwood - what can one say. Just hoping no-one from my club stuffs up.

Fahe Dapiran

Aug 02, 2020

What I’d give to be locked up in a Queensland resort with a pool for months. I think many Melbourne people would take that, or just many ordinary people.

The g train

Aug 02, 2020

Luckily for The Crows and their supporters, life is an illusion and Saturday’s game against North Melbourne didn’t actually happen. As Albert Einstein said: Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.


Aug 02, 2020

It appears that nothing can stop the hypocrisy of Eddie. Certainly the AFL won't.


Aug 02, 2020

It'll be even funnier when you write tomorrows column,Eddie would probably have had a stroke or something after the effort Collingwood put on against the Dockers.

Peter B

Aug 03, 2020

Consistency the key, spot on Titus. Your consistant assessment of the game, the rules, the AFL, the coaches, the Presidents (?), the water boys, the orange peelers is what keeps us all interested. (Do they still have oranges at half-time?)


Aug 03, 2020

Thanks for making my smile muscles hurt, Titus!

Floreat Pica

Aug 04, 2020

Great work, but "shark infected"?
Come on Titus, correct semantics isn't (as an AFL player once said) "rocket surgery". :-)

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