Aug 04, 2020


AFL Mad Scramble: Day Seven


A column every day for twenty days, as we get more football than we even asked for.

Occasionally, this column will even mention football but rarely sensibly.

Last Night

Port Adelaide (55) v Western Bulldogs (42)

There can be no doubt that Port Adelaide’s best player last night was Bulldogs Goalkicking.

The Bulldogs got off to a fast start but like being in an argument with your partner, you have to pay attention the entire time or you get torn to shreds.

The third quarter was when the Bulldogs lost focus, and the Port didn’t need an invitation to pile on the goals and set up the win.

Bulldogs fans would be happy their team kept working, but they were more inaccurate than your uncle’s COVID Facebook posts.

5G activates Chemtrails, which spreads COVID through making people want to protest against racism. Also COVID is a government conspiracy.”  

The other big problem for the Bulldogs was their inability to take a contested mark.

Contrast this with Charlie Dixon’s impact at the other end, who took some impressive grabs and converted them.

A big part of Dixon’s success is his beard, which is recognised by the United Nations as a Wilderness Protected Area. Dixon has to get permission from them to even brush it.

It’s so dense he can’t wear a mask as they end up shredded in minutes.

Once at training, a ball was kicked into Dixon’s beard and completely disappeared. His beard therefore takes more contested marks than the Bulldogs.

The ball itself has never been recovered.


Richmond v Brisbane (MS) 7:10pm Foxtel

It’s time to find out if the Tigers are actually going to cause any trouble this season.

At times they’ve looked like many of us this year, disinterested and just wanting it all to be over.

It hasn’t been a smooth week for Richmond either, with a certain player’s partner breaking COVID protocols.

I’d name them but AFL media sent a few hired goons over to my house just as I started writing the section.

That’s been another low point of the year, learning that AFL Media isn’t independent.

Who knew?

It’s so disappointing. I’ve always loved reading AFL media.

I thought their eight-part series on why Gillon McLachlan is the greatest person who has ever lived was a great piece of investigative journalism.

The AFL seems to have a real problem if you write something that is true, but no issues if you wildly speculate on the consequences of something that hasn’t actually happened, and probably won’t.

It means I can write things like, ‘It’s my firm belief from talking to unnamed sources that if it’s discovered Patrick Dangerfield is running a meth operation that makes Gustavo Fring look like an amateur, the Cats would still play him until he has been judged in court.’

Brisbane will be relishing a chance to prove they have taken the next step this year. As wrestling legend Ric Flair says, ‘To be The Man, you gotta beat The Man’, but Flair has had 143 speeding tickets in his life and been married five times, so I’m not sure he’s the guy to go to for wisdom.

The Lions may be in better form than the Tigers, but Richmond are not done yet in my mind, and Brisbane will need to be at their best to win this.

I’m going to tip the Lions, and I offer my apology to Brisbane fans in advance.

At the moment I’m barely able to work, so you can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. It’s greatly appreciated. Find out more here:



Aug 04, 2020

Imagine being a coworker with Kane Cornes and you're the one that gets suspended

Ric Flair

Aug 04, 2020

It's 145 now.


Aug 04, 2020

Chucklefest. Good work.

Ben Haycroft

Aug 04, 2020

afl media independant. Who knew? Haha
The line after Damien Barrett mention in article said "respected journalist" .... by whom?

Still Blue. Maybe Bluer?

Aug 04, 2020

I can remember Charlie Dixon as a weedy Cairns teenage recruit to the Suns playing at Cazaly's in Cairns. There were games when he just stood there as though expecting that eventually the ball would come near enough to him for him to grab it. But since then he's acquired mass, pace and skill and has become a seriously effective football player. All credit to him and his trainers and coaches, both on and off the field.

Anne R

Aug 04, 2020

Hi Titus, can I make a one-off contribution to support your work rather than sign up for ongoing?


Aug 04, 2020

I accidentally read "panther" instead of "partner" in the second paragraph. Surprisingly, it still made perfect sense.

Sarah G

Aug 04, 2020

Have you been reading my uncle's facebook posts?

jane arnott

Aug 04, 2020

Can you please forward the location of Dangerfields meth lab?


Aug 04, 2020

Sounds like a bad break for Danger.


Aug 04, 2020

To be fair, Dangerfield doesn't own the meth-lab. He just woke up one morning a bit disorientated and opened a door that led into a meth lab. At least he didn't take an Uber ride or anything serious. [NB to AFL Media: this statement is for entertainment purposes only. The existence of Paddy's Lab is neither confirmed, nor denied].

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