Aug 07, 2020


AFL Mad Scramble: Day Ten


A column every day for twenty days, as we get more football than we even asked for.

Occasionally, this column will even mention football but rarely sensibly.

Last Night

Collingwood (50) v Sydney (41)

Some wins feel like losses, and for Collingwood, the injury toll, the general way they played, and almost losing to the 17th placed Swans made this feel like a giant step backwards.

Will Hoskin-Elliott injured his knee, Adam Treloar did his hamstring and Isaac Quaynor got a nasty gash on his leg after coming into contact with Sam Wicks’ studs.

The AFL are set to investigate if Wicks had metal studs in. 

Typical nanny state AFL. You can’t even have metal studs capable of slicing your opponent open anymore.

Take me back to the good old days where random acts of violence defined you as a real man.

There were times in this match when the Pies seemed to not know what they were doing. Gone was their usually urgency, their hunger for the ball.

Part of Collingwood’s problems and their injuries can be explained by the fact they’ve been handed a ludicrous schedule.

As always, putting players safety first is a ‘sort of’ priority for the league.

The Swans will be bitterly disappointed with this loss, they were so close, and their endeavour was there.

It took a bit of magic from Josh Daicos to get the Pies over the line. His check side kick, after corralling the ball along the boundary line, was simply stunning. I’ve done a bit of research, and a little-known fact is that Josh’s dad once played for the Magpies. He was also known for kicking exciting goals.

These are the sort of deep insights I know you read this column for and I’m positive no other media have mentioned it.

The other take away from the game was Alastair Clarkson’s vindication as Tom Papley staged for a free kick in a display of acting so bad, I was shocked Nicolas Cage wasn’t involved.

Why does he do it? Well, he got a free kick from it, that’s why.

Gold Coast (74) v St Kilda (78)

What a game. It had everything, lead changes, great marks and freakish goals.

I needed this. A day of sitting around decrying the collapse of your society and its economy makes you really feel like a good game of footy.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say the recruitment of Dan Butler from Richmond has been a success for St Kilda.

He was the difference on the night, in a single match, he put together a highlight reel better than most players put together over a career.

You could say he ‘served’ up the win.

Get it? It’s a play on his surname. You know, how butlers serve things?

What’s that? It’s an obvious joke and everyone has made it?

Well that’s disappointing. It got a big laugh from my butler this morning.

The Gold Coast certainly didn’t lose any fans with this performance, they fought back during the match, and will wish they held onto their lead late in the game, but the pieces are there for the future.

What was perhaps most impressive though is the Saints didn’t drop their bundle, and showed maturity, a word rarely associated with St Kilda.

It makes you wonder if the Saints could go all the way. It’s possible, in 2020 all the normal rules of life seem to have gone out the window.


Essendon v Greater Western Sydney (Metricon) 7:50pm Seven

The AFL’s official injury list, one of my favourites works of fiction, is looking long at the halfway point of this festival of footy.

Of course, my favourite piece of fiction is the Twilight saga, and I couldn’t be more excited there a new book out in it, telling the exact same story but from Edward’s perspective. That’s not lazy at all.

Essendon’s injury list is particularly grim reading and has been for some time. The Bombers medical team having a bad run is the one constant in my life at the moment.

The Giants have issues too with Toby Greene missing as well as Matt De Boer.

Watching these two injury depleted sides go at it hardly makes me look forward to Friday night footy, but what else am I going to do?

I used to spend Friday nights thinking bitter thoughts that everyone else in Melbourne was out having fun and I hadn’t been invited, but even that small pleasure has been taken away from me.

I encourage people in other states to go out, to take advantage of the fact you can, because the atmosphere in Melbourne is so sad, so quiet, that if I stand outside my house, I feel like I’m on stage at one of my gigs.

I’m so keen to get out of here. I tried to cross the border into South Australia the other night, disguised as an Adelaide Crows player.   

Unfortunately, the policeman that stopped me made me kick a football to prove who I was, and when the ball hit a target, the ruse was up.

Giants to win.

At the moment I’m barely able to work, so you can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. It’s greatly appreciated. Find out more here:



Aug 07, 2020

Can we have a competition for the most stupid act committed by a player, umpire, or AFL official in a given week? Prize to be universal admiration of your peers.Titus to be sole judge (who will be amenable to graft).


Aug 07, 2020

I got to yell DAICOS!!! For the first time in almost 30 years. I'm happy!


Aug 07, 2020

I think Peter is really onto something that will fly.
And I agree, Titus is the right man for the job.
No selection criteria necessary, just an announcement in your Monday column of the weeks winner.
Culminating in an annual award ah la goal/mark of the year.
Looking forward to this new segment in your already outstanding reporting.
And amazing work Titus please keep it up.

The g train

Aug 07, 2020

The St Kilda v GC game was indeed a ripper. It’s games like that restore faith in the AFL product; that the game can still be beautiful, exciting and joyful to watch. It even gives one’s life hope and that perhaps there is meaning and purpose after all. But PLEASE Titus, please don’t ever say that the Saints could go all the way.....until they HAVE gone all the way (and even then be extremely cautious). As the Danish proverb says: “it is always dangerous to prophesy, particularly about the future.”


Aug 07, 2020

NOT A TRUER LINE - It makes you wonder if the Saints could go all the way. It’s possible, in 2020 all the normal rules of life seem to have gone out the window.


Aug 07, 2020


Thank you for all these write ups Titus, they make the day when you live in lockdown state of Vic.

Jack Mihocek appreciation society president

Aug 07, 2020

Maybe the best game of the year last night but from a low base and I would suggest the west Coast v Geelong had more pressure and was aesthetically a more highly skilled game.


Aug 07, 2020

I was wondering if Essendon could borrow some Melbourne players, Titus. well they don't seem to be doing much at your club. As you have good form over at the club you might be able to put in a good word for us. We are running out of players, down to the VFL and sliding further - bloody hell, why don't we have VFL thirds anymore. That's right, the AFL can't afford extras. Even if the footy is lousy we could play snakes and ladders - the game both teams love to play, really well.

Do what you do, do well boys and both teams usually do.

peter lake

Aug 07, 2020

From a Collingwood supporters perspective a win is a win but my doctor is trying to convince me to avoid the live broadcasts of our matches and concentrate on replays only. He feels it would be better for my heart. I fully understand what he is driving at as I sit through every game of ours with my heart thumping so badly the dog starts barking, thinking someone is breaking into the house. Post match I have to go for a walk to relieve the tension and attempt to rid myself of the headache that normally arrives halfway through the second quarter in each game.

Peter B

Aug 07, 2020

Your right Titus, will need a whole new full length email on this Butler, serving it up bit. Maybe it can be the title of your next book?


Aug 07, 2020

I hear you Titus. I’ve been to one of your gigs (Melbourne Comedy Festival) and left happy in the knowledge that some people are worse off than me! 🤣🤣 Love your work!

Saint Peter

Aug 07, 2020

Great analogy relating Papley to N. Cage. Only surprising thing there is you must rate Steven Segal better than N. Cage.

Saint Peter

Aug 07, 2020

Thanks for explaining the Butler joke, it now makes sense. Unfortunately you had to go further & put the mocka on us suggesting we may go all the way. I can now stop worrying about missing being at the GF. Come on 2021.


Aug 07, 2020

Peter, re stupid act. Can we extend this to include commentators?
If so I submit “Anything said by Bristle”

Bluesman Macca

Aug 07, 2020

I wonder if the Bombers medical staff have lost the plot since Doc Reid has been crook?
The 2 best things out of Essendon, Doc Reid and Neale Daniher. Both crook as.
Not great.
But anyway, I think I'll get meself a butler.
Yours must be a legend!!
Thanks for the silly stuff, not much else to laugh at this year.

Jonathan Borthwick

Aug 07, 2020

Thanks Titus for producing so much material under strange conditions. Pre-ordered 3 copies of your new book (Cheat) assuming they would autographed by your good self - sadly link goes to Booktopia so you will have to be invited to Brisbane and put a show on so I can get mine autographed with the rest of my Titus collection

Flank Rroyd Wlight

Aug 07, 2020

"Take me back to the good old days where random acts of violence defined you as a real man."

Jack "Basher" Williams springs to mind.


Aug 08, 2020

Butler is serving it up! Clark and Kent also flying. See what I did there? Love your work Titus

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