A column every day for twenty days, as we get more football than we even asked for.

Occasionally, this column will even mention football but rarely sensibly.

Last Night

Collingwood (50) v Sydney (41)

Some wins feel like losses, and for Collingwood, the injury toll, the general way they played, and almost losing to the 17^th placed Swans made this feel like a giant step backwards.

Will Hoskin-Elliott injured his knee, Adam Treloar did his hamstring and Isaac Quaynor got a nasty gash on his leg after coming into contact with Sam Wicks’ studs.

The AFL are set to investigate if Wicks had metal studs in. 

Typical nanny state AFL. You can’t even have metal studs capable of slicing your opponent open anymore.

Take me back to the good old days where random acts of violence defined you as a real man.

There were times in this match when the Pies seemed to not know what they were doing. Gone was their usually urgency, their hunger for the ball.

Part of Collingwood’s problems and their injuries can be explained by the fact they’ve been handed a ludicrous schedule.

As always, putting players safety first is a ‘sort of’ priority for the league.

The Swans will be bitterly disappointed with this loss, they were so close, and their endeavour was there.

It took a bit of magic from Josh Daicos to get the Pies over the line. His check side kick, after corralling the ball along the boundary line, was simply stunning. I’ve done a bit of research, and a little-known fact is that Josh’s dad once played for the Magpies. He was also known for kicking exciting goals.

These are the sort of deep insights I know you read this column for and I’m positive no other media have mentioned it.

The other take away from the game was Alastair Clarkson’s vindication as Tom Papley staged for a free kick in a display of acting so bad, I was shocked Nicolas Cage wasn’t involved.

Why does he do it? Well, he got a free kick from it, that’s why.

Gold Coast (74) v St Kilda (78)

What a game. It had everything, lead changes, great marks and freakish goals.

I needed this. A day of sitting around decrying the collapse of your society and its economy makes you really feel like a good game of footy.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say the recruitment of Dan Butler from Richmond has been a success for St Kilda.

He was the difference on the night, in a single match, he put together a highlight reel better than most players put together over a career.

You could say he ‘served’ up the win.

Get it? It’s a play on his surname. You know, how butlers serve things?

What’s that? It’s an obvious joke and everyone has made it?

Well that’s disappointing. It got a big laugh from my butler this morning.

The Gold Coast certainly didn’t lose any fans with this performance, they fought back during the match, and will wish they held onto their lead late in the game, but the pieces are there for the future.

What was perhaps most impressive though is the Saints didn’t drop their bundle, and showed maturity, a word rarely associated with St Kilda.

It makes you wonder if the Saints could go all the way. It’s possible, in 2020 all the normal rules of life seem to have gone out the window.

Tonight

Essendon v Greater Western Sydney (Metricon) 7:50pm Seven

The AFL’s official injury list, one of my favourites works of fiction, is looking long at the halfway point of this festival of footy.

Of course, my favourite piece of fiction is the Twilight saga, and I couldn’t be more excited there a new book out in it, telling the exact same story but from Edward’s perspective. That’s not lazy at all.

Essendon’s injury list is particularly grim reading and has been for some time. The Bombers medical team having a bad run is the one constant in my life at the moment.

The Giants have issues too with Toby Greene missing as well as Matt De Boer.

Watching these two injury depleted sides go at it hardly makes me look forward to Friday night footy, but what else am I going to do?

I used to spend Friday nights thinking bitter thoughts that everyone else in Melbourne was out having fun and I hadn’t been invited, but even that small pleasure has been taken away from me.

I encourage people in other states to go out, to take advantage of the fact you can, because the atmosphere in Melbourne is so sad, so quiet, that if I stand outside my house, I feel like I’m on stage at one of my gigs.

I’m so keen to get out of here. I tried to cross the border into South Australia the other night, disguised as an Adelaide Crows player.   

Unfortunately, the policeman that stopped me made me kick a football to prove who I was, and when the ball hit a target, the ruse was up.

Giants to win.

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