Aug 17, 2020


AFL Mad Scramble: Day Twenty One


A column every day for twenty days, as we get more football than we even asked for.

Occasionally, this column will even mention football but rarely sensibly.


Tom Lynch’s fist (53) v Sam Collins’s stomach (32)

Well, we made it.

Thirty-three games in 20 consecutive days, or ‘Twenty days that launched 20,000 divorces’ as I like to call it.

It’s been a marathon and a sprint and while there’s been fun at times, I need a few days off to ‘process’ everything, as an awful person might say.

This wasn’t a classic to go out on though.

The Suns at times looked like pinching this from Richmond, who were a bit like the Great Southern Stand, they looked tired, with a few bits that desperately need an upgrade.

The mantra going into this from Damien Hardwick was for discipline, which made Tom Lynch whacking Sam Collins in the stomach an even sillier than normal decision.

I’m not sure why Lynch suddenly feels the need to start whacking people, sure 2020 makes us all feel like that, but you don’t do it.

Why can’t Lynch just push the frustration deep down inside himself and then sob in the shower for a few hours like the rest of us?

The Suns really blew this, they were right in the contest and their tackling was great, but they just lack the experience and the skill under pressure to get past a team like Richmond.

So that’s the Festival of Footy done. We’ve got another one coming up in a bit, so I’ll be back to daily columns then, but in the short term I’ll go back to the Knee Jerk Reaction and Highly Unhelpful Guides.

Thanks to everyone for reading and those who became supporters. I hope this nonsense provide some distraction from the hellfire we are currently experiencing.

We will get through this, we’ll whinge and complain about it sure, but we’ll still come out the other side.

And when we do, I’m totally up for drinking with all of you because I need human contact right now like the Crows need AFL players.

At the moment I’m barely able to work, so you can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. It’s greatly appreciated. Find out more here:



Aug 18, 2020

Great effort Titus! Like Charlie Cameron, you kept fronting up even when your quality of work meant you’d earned a day off. Your quality was constant and my personal favourite was Patience playing for Essendon. Brilliant!


Aug 18, 2020

Well done Titus.You need to start preparing for interstate quarantine when the Demons make the Grand Final.Yes I am glass half full type of guy!

Aaron Cheney-Ball

Aug 18, 2020

Thanks Titus. Great reading these everyday.


Aug 18, 2020

I have never understood how you can send me great stuff every Friday and Monday, for free, and this in the age of user pays (usually for less service and poorer quality) And now you have completed the marathon, sending great stuff every day. And now you have no income and want me to send money. Do I send $5 or food stamps? Titus, time to put in place a fee regime, such sweet words to a retired accountant, and I will happily stay on board. As for the footy generally, until they get actual Australian rules umpires or rules that the average punter can understand, I can see a continuation of rugby union mauls which, while they can be exciting in that game, make AFL drying paint boring.


Aug 18, 2020

Have enjoyed your columns, keep em coming

Peter Bayliss

Aug 18, 2020

Thanks Titus

Not sure what I'l miss more - the footy every day or your musings- ok - hands down it's your musings. They never fail to score unlike some teams (like my sad reflection of a team the Kangaroos) and matches.

You are the tonic for turgid times.


Aug 18, 2020

My favourite comment is usually in the current post. Today's was 'Twenty days that launched 20,000 divorces’

Thanks mate, look forward to your next visit to the Joker's Club in North Hobart.

Homer S.

Aug 18, 2020

If you ever make it back to my town, it's my shout


Aug 18, 2020

Think you missed a day Titus 🤔. Was waiting for your review of the Eagles V Hawks game, but I got this instead. Which was very funny mind you...

the g train

Aug 18, 2020

Thanks Titus for all of your wonderful nonsense over 21 straight days. But I would imagine 20 000 divorces being launched would be very much a lower bound. Personally, my marriage is now in tatters and my kids aren't talking to me. But it's been worth it. The pursuit of happiness is everybody's fundamental right and unfortunately some sacrifices (by others) have to be made along the journey. I simply adored the 20 day festival of footy and to finish it with a Tom Lynch gut punch--well, that's just icing on the gateau. Such a gala should be a glorious inclusion within every AFL season. As Andrew Rannels wrote: Too much Is not enough.


Aug 18, 2020

Great work Titus! Marathoning and sprinting at the same time, amazing stuff

Mark L

Aug 18, 2020

I stand with Keith.

Thanks Titus, you've been a ray of light in an otherwise dark and dismal year

The Doc

Aug 18, 2020

Solid effort T man, you’ve earned your 1 hour of yard time each day.

Richard G

Aug 18, 2020

Thanks Titus. Enjoyed every article

Luke Deery

Aug 18, 2020

Love your work Titus! Your shout for a beer

Kafka’s Ghost

Aug 18, 2020

When you make it back to Sin City Titus, it’s my shout. Looking forward to seeing you at the Factory Theatre again.
Your “nonsense” makes so much more sense than the uber-serious musings of many footy “journalists”, and are the highlight of the footy season’s writings.


Aug 18, 2020

Thanks so much, Titus, for your commitment to these past 20 days!

Was a great lesson in learning that just because we love something does not mean we need to see it every day.

I do hope the players' bodies fared okay from this ridiculousness and that maybe we get the AFL GF here in Queensland - what an upset to the Victorians that will be, can't wait!

Jarrod Halley

Aug 18, 2020

I'm happy to shout you as many drinks as you can down in one night Titus. These daily columns have been sensational. Keep'em coming.


Aug 18, 2020

Outstanding marathon effort Titus! Can we all come with you to the Grand Final parade? Oh, hang on a minute....

Rampe's Wristguard

Aug 18, 2020

Thanks for your rays of sunshine over the last three weeks Titus. Have caught a lot more games than i deserve and they ain't all been gems as you well know - thankfully we have had your column to tide us all over.

Now have yourself a well deserved whiskey, the scheduled sob in the shower and gird your loins for Friday.

Looking forward to reading your books so waiting for your publisher to front up with the goods.

Rafe's Mum

Aug 18, 2020

What they all said.

It's been a really tough year. Fires, smoke so bad we couldn't go outside, wildlife in distress, a wild storm with hail the size of golf balls that decimated my suburb in south-east Canberra and then, as if 2020 couldn't get any worse, COV-19.

Receiving your emails, Titus, is truly the highlight of my day.


Aug 18, 2020

Titus, unlike the actual football, you have been consistently entertaining. Also, unlike the actual football, I am laughing for all the right reasons. All the game reviews and non-reviews are frighteningly accurate, no wonder you aren’t a ‘real’ football journalist.
Enjoy a few days break while we eagerly await your next missive.

Saint Peter

Aug 18, 2020

Thank u Tutus, I have greetly enjoyed your work. I have my kids learning grama via all your posts. They will grow up to be as well spooken as Donald Trump. Amazing to think that hey. Anyway one request can you please tip Melbourne when they play the lowly Saints. They need a bit of a pick mee up and that will will help enormously. As George Bernard Shaw said: “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” Adelaide must be feeling like they have honourable victories every match.
Keep up the good work.

Long time fam, first time caller

Aug 18, 2020

Keith, and those that stand with him, I only have one question. Are you new here? Just pay for the gold membership and enjoy titus' work guilt free. Maybe even order his books?
Spoiler: They're amazing

yours in eagerly anticipating the weekly unhelpful guide,

F. Carlton Collingwood IV

Aug 19, 2020

Well I, for one, would like to say thank you.

Flank Rroyd Wlight

Aug 19, 2020

I'd like to see Tom Lynch do a Homer Simpson-type "Why you little..." choke hold on an opposition player. Preferably on a ruckman.

Titch Bacher

Aug 20, 2020

Love your work Titus! Everyone, support him by buying at least a Bronze subscription.


Aug 23, 2020

So many compliments! Let’s have a bit of reality here. I made one simple request. Titus, I pleaded, don’t tip the Dees! Well thank you very much. For nothing!

Leave a comment

We promise to never share your email with anyone else.