Sep 09, 2020


AFL Mad Scramble Two: Day Fifteen


A column every day, as we get more football than we even asked for.

Occasionally, this column will even mention football but rarely sensibly.

Last Night

Brisbane (88) v Gold Coast (43)

It’s perhaps a reflection on how boring my life has become, and it wasn’t that exciting before all this, that I watched this game in its entirety.

I’m not really sure why; it was a boring game.

Brisbane was superior in every facet of the game, and the Suns never had any chance.

The only thing on the line was the Lions getting closer to locking in a top two spot.

So while watching this, I decided to pull together my ‘single social bubble’ for the next phase of lockdown here in Melbourne.

It allows people who live alone, or are single parents, to choose one person from a different household to form a “single social bubble”, so they can actually see other humans, a privilege not a right apparently.

It’s like draft day. I pulled together my list of people I’d like to have in my bubble, but given I can only have one, I then ranked them like a team would for a draft.

I then proceeded to go through the list to try and land a top draft pick.

The first response was understandable:

‘Sorry, have already committed to another social bubble!’

No problem, go for my number two preference then:

‘I would rather never see another person again.’

Alright, Mum. On to the next, and the next, and the next.

‘Who dis?’

‘Getting Corona now doesn’t seem that bad.’

‘And I thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse.’

As the Suns got destroyed on the TV, I was getting destroyed off it. I guess I’m not a destination club.

That’s the problem with the ‘single social bubble’ it doesn’t take into account I’m single for a reason.


St Kilda v West Coast (G) 7:10 pm Seven

West Coast in Queensland has the confidence of a younger me who on the day of the year ten social got a pimple on my nose so large scientists were dispatched to study it and required mountain gear to do so. 

It’s easy to say West Coast are no good away from home because they make it easy.

Granted, they’ve got a lot of injuries but losing to the Bulldogs doesn’t scream ‘Premiership team’.

St Kilda desperately needs to win this to lock in their position in the eight. They don’t want to join the chasing pack that is increasingly looking like Steven Bradbury’s 2002 Winter Olympics race.

It all comes down to a clash between the Eagles disappointing form in Queensland and St Kilda being St Kilda.

I’m tipping the Eagles, purely because St Kilda being St Kilda is a powerful force, up there with the strong nuclear force, the strongest force in nature.

My new book Cheat: The Not-so-subtle Art of Conning Your Way to Sporting Glory is now available for pre-order.  

At the moment I’m barely able to work, so you can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. It’s greatly appreciated. Find out more here:



Sep 09, 2020

thank you for tipping eagles! go saints!

Countess Olivia

Sep 09, 2020

There are things I don't understand about Melbourne. This week they include:
1. Is there any significance to the serial killer in Sticks and Stones being a St Kilda supporter?
2. Why does anyone care what some guy with tatts thinks about lockdown?


Sep 09, 2020

Nice to hear Titus get a shout-out on the SBS coverage of Le Tour last night. I think the words "tragic" and "Melbourne" were also mentioned in the same sentence.

My two Titus autographed books arrived the other day, so looking forward to these. Thanks Titus! Also ordered the "Unhelpful History" separately and have pre-ordered the new book. Keep your chin up Titus, love your work and so do the SBS commentators!

The g train

Sep 10, 2020

Interesting theory regarding the “St Kilda being St Kilda” force being akin to the strong nuclear force—the most powerful known force in the universe. However, these two forces are completely different in the ranges over which they act. The strong nuclear force, whilst being phenomenally powerful, acts only across extremely short ranges. The “St Kilda being St Kilda” force, whilst also phenomenally powerful, is felt across cosmological ranges.


Sep 10, 2020

I failed Physics at school.
The Eagles have already packed for the return trip to Perth & all but checked out of the 'Hub'.
Saints will win regardless of any 'forces' at play.


Sep 10, 2020

G Train, the other difference is that when two objects are attracted by the strong nuclear force they always meet their target. The "St Kilda being St Kilda force" almost always results in targets being missed.

Andrew Pelechaty

Sep 10, 2020

No love for Sergio for your ‘single social bubble’? Another Variety Hour podcast is well overdue.


Sep 10, 2020

Err...the Eagles were missing 5 of their best 10 players against the Bulldogs and this week are missing 13 of their Premiership team, but let’s all blame this on the hub...

Vic Parkes

Sep 10, 2020

Was that a signature in the front of those books? Damn. I tore that page out because I thought it had a squashed insect on it. It probably should have struck me as a strange coincidence that two insects died in Titus's books, but there is so much about good ol' Titus that is a strange coincidence that I didn't notice. Good to hear about you on SBS TdF coverage although I rather suspect the general response was 'Who the fuck is Tits O'Ryan anyway?'


Sep 11, 2020

Is that Vic the Dick?


Sep 13, 2020

Is 'Premiership Team' what Bruce shouts in the throes of passion?

Leave a comment

We promise to never share your email with anyone else.