Aug 30, 2020


AFL Mad Scramble Two: Day Five


A column every day, as we get more football than we even asked for.

Occasionally, this column will even mention football but rarely sensibly.


Carlton (48) v Collingwood (72)

If ever Carlton were going to show us something, it was against this depleted Collingwood side, and they did, they showed us they are still Carlton.

Blues fans have every right to be furious, their team didn’t even score a goal in the entire second half and the only thing that matched their poor execution was their effort.

Not kicking a goal for an entire half is not easy to do in modern football, but the Blues made it look easy.

Even the clash between Patrick Cripps and Chris Mayne, in which Mayne came off very much second best, just highlighted the Pies were willing to do anything to win.

Carlton, on the other hand, were willing to do not much to win.

You have to hand it to Collingwood, this was a win based on pure desire, they were willing to sacrifice a lot to get across the line, Jamie Elliott in the midfield was a clear example of this, carving up the Blues with an ease that had Blues fans screaming at the television.

The Teague train, like most public transport this year, now has fewer people on it than ever before.

Gold Coast (91) v North Melbourne (28)

I ended up watching all of this because as much as you’d like, you can’t avert your eyes from an unfolding disaster.

This wasn’t so much a game as a ritual sacrifice.

People talk about teams not turning up, but in this case, it would have been better if the Kangaroos just hadn’t.

Rhyce Shaw said there were no positives to take out of this performance, but there was an entire flotilla of negatives.

The Suns were great, and if they’d kicked straight, this would have been far, far worse.

But a lot of the Suns' success came from the fact that they were basically unopposed.

It was like they were participating in a charity match against a group of competition winners.

Obviously inspired by Carlton, North didn’t kick a goal in the second half, in fact they booted three behinds in the third quarter and didn’t even score in the last.

There wasn’t a football skill the Kangaroos didn’t butcher. They barely got the ball but when they did, they turned it over, and without the ball, they didn’t defend.

They had the look of parents at a school musical performance, you could just tell they didn’t want to be there.

Given the Suns hadn’t had a win since Round Seven, this was probably the worst performance for the season, even Crows fans who saw this would have come away with a realisation that things could be worse.

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Aug 30, 2020

A blues song usually has 12 bars, more or less, and at least three chords...but a football game always has four quarters...the fact that they're called quarters should be a clue and not called halves! The Blues seemed to forget this yesterday and only played the first two quarters, yet again piling on the disappointment and despair for we poor deluded fools that believe we're supporting a team that wants to win. Why win the toss then choose the end that has the sun in the eyes of your forwards when it wouldn't be a problem by the second quarter? Eddie's two goals were a treat, but well short of the what the whole team can do when they all go for it. Nuff said!


Aug 31, 2020

What was the difference between Cotchin's breach + Elijah Taylor's?
Why the difference in the financial penalty? One gets a slap on the wrist and the other is suspended for the season?
Looking for consistency? Well, you've come to the right place.
It works like this son......
Richmond is a real team and they need Cotchin. The Swans are..........Sydney, so this is actually good for footy
Cotchin is white, Taylor is Indigenous
Taylor wears the No. 37 jersey for the Swans. The AFL needs to make an example of people like that.
You'd hope that AFL would learn.
You'd really hope that.....and then you'd be disappointed

Ray Robertson

Aug 31, 2020

The Kangas have introduced a new statistic to add to the avalanche of data we have to endure in our modern crap game. They no longer count "turn-overs" - they find it a lot simpler to actually count the number of times a N.M handball or kick goes to one of their own team members. They certainly haven't worn out any HB pencils for the data recorders over recent weeks.

Chris H

Aug 31, 2020

STRENGTH THROUGH IGNORANCE, You made one mistake: "Richmond are a real team"? Should have been "Richmond are a VICTORIAN team". Then you have a complete picture of the AFL's hypocrisy. The AFL loves to parade its credentials with the Indigenous Round, and boasts of being an inclusive, national competition. The reality is far from that. They have learnt nothing.

The g train

Aug 31, 2020

GC v NM. Crickey. After that, I feel that NM can no longer hide behind their position that “at least we’re not Adelaide”. At least Adelaide has a reasonable excuse—they’re simply hopeless.

But Titus, I have to pick you up on a very rare predictive error. You wrote in your preview that GC assistant coach, Matt Rowell, should write a letter:
“Dear Stuart, I want to keep my love of football, could I please be excused from watching this team anymore? Your friend Matt”.

Yet Stuie Dewy’s principle assistant and friend, Matt Rowell, seemed to be having the time of his life. Could Matt revive the once exalted position of captain coach within the next season or two?


Aug 31, 2020

STRENGTH THROUGH IGNORANCE What was the difference between Cotchin's breach + Elijah Taylor's? Well, for a start, Trent Cotchin did not breach any AFL COVID-19 restrictions, his wife did. I know this does not fit the narrative that you and Chris H are wanting to push but I assume that this does not bother you in the least. Perhaps head back to Facebook where "strength through ignorance" is lauded.


Aug 31, 2020

SERIOUSLY? And it was Taylor's girlfriend who breached the bubble, not him. So what's the difference? Oh, I know, Cotchin is a respected Brownlow Medallist from a Victorian club, and Taylor is an indigenous young kid wearing No 37, an easy target. Nobody is saying that Taylor should have got off scot free, just that the punishment is disproportionate to the crime, especially when compared to Cotchin's. #blacklivesmatter #aflnotvfl

Keith Sausage

Aug 31, 2020

Titus - something has been really bothering me since reading your column yesterday. It’s about the new Shane Warne range of fragrances. I can’t figure out for the life of me what the target market would be. Who are these people that want to smell like Warnie? Is Eau de Warnie a premium product or goes for twenty bucks a pint at Target? You started this, so I feel as though it’s on you to look into it and get some answers.


Aug 31, 2020

Dear Snowflakes, can we leave the politics out of Titus' Comments section? Go melt elsewhere.

Greg James

Aug 31, 2020

Dear Gazjin- listen, we can't sit in a pub and bitch about the AFL and the Tribunal, we need a safe pace to vent!! Thanks for the service, Titus. #37matters

andrew hodder

Aug 31, 2020

Right On Gazjin. You too Seriously. What a beat up. Here are the facts. And they're not in dispute. Forget Crotchin and his lovely wife. The gold standard is surely Nathan Buckley. A minor transgression, fined , and accepted it all in the manor we've become accustomed to from a true leader of our wonderful code. $25,000 dealt and paid (although Nathan only had to pay $12500, halving it with Sanderson). For the more mathematically minded of you, you've probably already equated the twelve and a half large to exactly 3 days pay fro Nathe. Seems on the light side until you scratch the surface. For normal people, coaching the Collingwood Footballers for three days would seem more like three years. Upshot. Buckley gets fined three years pay and the kid from WA only gets 6 weeks. Where's the justice?

F. Carlton Collingwood IV

Aug 31, 2020

"Is Eau de Warnie a premium product or goes for twenty bucks a pint at Target?"

I saw a batch on display at a local shopping centre next to some ladies' perfume called Full Moon Over Wollongong.

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