Aug 27, 2020


AFL Mad Scramble Two: Day One


A column every day, as we get more football than we even asked for.

Occasionally, this column will even mention football but rarely sensibly.


Hawthorn v Essendon (AO) 4:40pm Foxtel

We’re back to wall-to-wall footy again, which means daily columns, which should be fun, as each day I’m in lockdown, the weaker my tenuous grip on reality becomes.

Not that it was great before, but a complete lack of human interaction is sending me up the wall. And making me paranoid.

Given we’re previewing an Essendon game, it’s appropriate I share some conspiracy theories I’ve become convinced are true while in lockdown: 

·      5G is the reason I’ve had Gina G’s 1996 hit "Ooh Aah... Just a Little Bit" for two months

·      There is a secret world government that runs the world, but being a government, it’s incompetent which is why the world is stuffed

·      Essendon get a bad run with the umpires because they aren’t that good and are undisciplined

·      Lizard people live among us and run the Hawthorn Football Club

·      Coronavirus was created by the St Kilda Football Club to get out of the China game. It worked too well

·      The AFL greatest rivalry after football fans, are umpires, whose lives they are trying to ruin.

Putting this game on at 4:40 pm seems about right for where these teams are currently.

4:40 am would have been the perfect time to play this, as every moment from now until the game is a chance for Joe Daniher to injure himself.

There’s a lot of talk about Joe Daniher leaving Essendon, with Sydney apparently keen. It makes sense, who wouldn’t want to collect high priced, injury-prone key forwards?

Hawthorn are already having a tough year, and the news got worse this week with Jeff Kennett announcing he wants another three years are President.

I’m looking forward to Alastair Clarkson to run the ‘no’ campaign.

Hawks to win.

Richmond v West Coast (Metricon) 7:10pm Seven

Richmond have had a busy week, with Dylan Grimes receiving death threats and an arrest has now followed.

It’s right that people are getting outraged about the abuse AFL footballers are getting online but wait until people find out about the abuse women cop on social media.

If only that was cracked down on with similar urgency.

Speaking of women, Richmond showed its commitment to women’s footy this week by announcing they won’t field a women's team in the VFLW competition next year.

It’s fair enough to. Commitment to women in sport is about what you say, not what you do.

Richmond are committed to woman’s footy, just not in a financial sense.

Plus, it’s about time men came first in footy, such a marginalised group in the industry.

As if this week wasn’t busy enough, Richmond also had Dylan Grimes and Nick Vlastuin cleared of staging because, well I don’t know why. Staging is like pornography, you know it when you see it, and that was staging.

Not that I’ve seen pornography. It’s not that I’m morally superior, it’s just I’m on the NBN and streaming anything is a challenge.

Then we had news that Alex Rance might return. There is a whole subgenre of media based on will Rance retire?/Will Rance come back to footy?

It’s almost like he wants to fuel this speculation to keep his name in the paper.

West Coast are now back in Queensland for the rest of the season.

Last time they were there they had the worst experience in that state since the Adelaide Football Club had their ‘Guantanamo Bay holiday camp’.

You’d think things would go a little bit better this time around. One thing the teams in Queensland need to remind themselves is it could be worse; they could be in Melbourne.

Eagles to win.

At the moment I’m barely able to work, so you can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. It’s greatly appreciated. Find out more here:



Aug 27, 2020

Good work, not so much the article but actually maintaining an even tenuous grip on reality. Although I do look forward to reading your stuff when U do completely lose the plot.


Aug 27, 2020

Lizard people live among us and run the Hawthorn Football Club
that explains the horrible strip that they sometimes wear

Al Fresco

Aug 27, 2020

The world is a dark soul wrapped in vantablack, inside the event horizon of an evaporating black hole. There is nothing, nothing to laugh at, except Titus, thanks mate.

...with I meant with.......

Fat Side

Aug 27, 2020

Conspiracy Theory No. 17: Could it be that the AFL have deliberately made the holding the ball/man rules impossible to interpret, in order to generate the sense of sympathy and support for the umpires that the coaches and punters seem to be regularly expressing this year?

The g train

Aug 27, 2020

“...but a complete lack of human interaction is sending me up the wall”. Agreed. Bad interaction is still better than no interaction.

I’ll be watching both games. Not because I have nothing better to do, but because there is nothing better to do.


Aug 27, 2020

So, you haven't seen any pornograhpy? err, OK?
But if you really haven't, maybe that's your problem right there!!


Aug 27, 2020

You're not watching porn? No wonder lockdown is sending you crazy.

Saint Peter

Aug 27, 2020

Titus, I can't believe you found out about our tactics to avoid going to china. We tried to tell the Consular from China we were going over to change the country into a democracy but he just laughed & ignored us. That left us no choice. As you know we have never won any overseas matches unless you count games in Tassie..


Aug 27, 2020

Sometimes? Hawthorn always wear a horrible strip; unless, of course, you like dirty nappies, in which case it's heaven on a stick most weeks with just the occasional skid-mark in between.

Alex Rance coming back? Rejoice, for the Master will be amongst us once again!
It will be interesting to see how the MRC adjudicate on the 3-4 free kicks that he (used to) accrue(s) each & every week.

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