Applying Free Agency to Relationships | Titus O'Reily

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Applying Free Agency to Relationships

One of the hardest things in life, right up there with trying to care about the Commonwealth Games, is ending a relationship.

It’s difficult for all involved. The tears, the sense that you’ll never love again and the remembering you used their Netflix and will now have to get your own account.

Technology seemed to offer a solution but unfortunately, society frowns on breaking up with someone via an Instagram post, even if the post is of a two really cute cats walking in separate directions.

Luckily, as with most things in life, sport has provided the answer through the system of free agency.

Free agency has been introduced across many sports, like the AFL and NRL, to provide a system to free players from a type of indentured slavery.

It, therefore, lends itself to personal relationships.

It takes the heat out of an awkward and emotional situation through a pre-agreed process.

If it can work for sport, it can work for relationships, after all, sport if a lot more important and emotional.

This idea is not without precedent. The AFL rookie list, where clubs can have a player while not officially having them in their senior team, is a perfect description of how most Tinder relationships work.

So how could the system work?

Length of time served

In Free Agency, how long you’ve been at a club determines whether you can walk straight out or whether your current club can match any offer put to you.

For example, if you have been with your club for seven years, you can field offers from other clubs. Your current club can match these offers though, and you have to stay. This is known as being a restricted free agent.

A player who’s been with a club for more than ten years is an unrestricted free agent and can just go to the club of their choosing.

How it Applies in Relationships:

Clearly, seven years and ten years is too long. This is the 21st century. We simply don’t have the attention spans for that sort of nonsense.

Therefore, the following timelines will apply to new relationships:

Restricted Free Agent- six months

Unrestricted Free Agent- 12 months

And the timelines for marriages:

Restricted Free Agent- five years.

Unrestricted Free Agent- seven years (breathing new life into the seven-year itch).

At any of these points, both parties may decide they don’t want to test free agency.

This is a good thing, the relationship will continue with both parties, as sitting down with someone and telling them you’re not going to test free agency is an incredibly romantic thing to say. Right up there with telling them you want to become a one-club player.

Unrestricted Free Agent

If one partner decides to leave as an unrestricted free agent after their allotted time, then all’s fair.

They can simply let the other person know with a media conference in which they can say things like ‘I’ve loved my time with Simon, who can forget the renovation of ’03 or the ’05 holiday to Iceland? But I’ve decided I needed a new challenge.”

No need to sit down and have a long, drawn out emotional confrontation.

The other partner can respond with a written statement.

“Karen has advised me of her desire to test the Free Agency market. While disappointed, I thank her for her work on the renovation of ’03. In anticipation of this development, I’ve been in discussions with several replacements and will have an announcement shortly.

No recourse, no crying, no attempted arson. Just a clean break.

Restricted Free Agent

This is where the fun starts. In these situations, you can field offers from other people. This will enable you to test your value in the market, as can your partner.

You can then both decide if you want to stay together, knowing full well what else is out there.

For starters, the year leading up to your restricted free agency could be fun for your friends who will speculate on what you’ll do.

“I understand Steve has a solid offer from Bianca and has already given verbal agreement.”

Leading you to issue statements like “I’m delighted with Sally at the moment and am just focusing on the upcoming week at home.”

Perth breakfast radio would have a field day.

Negotiations

Once you have triggered the Restricted Free Agency clause in your contract, you can then begin fielding offers.

For example, Kirsten has been dating Robert for six months. She has decided to test the market as a restricted free agent.  

Her best offer is from Rupert, who works in some horrible consultancy firm.

Rupert has offered the following deal:

  1. Will tell her he loves her twice a day
  2. Pretend to get along with her friends
  3. Regular showering
  4. At least one romantic weekend away every six months
  5. Not forget her birthday for the first six years

Kirsten brings this deal back to Robert who has a week to respond.

Robert assesses that point 2 and point 3 are too high a price to pay and that he can get a similar girlfriend on the open market for less. Kirsten is now free to leave Robert for Rupert.

Of course, losing a Restricted Free agent is a blow, as in sport.  Now Robert has to go and recruit through dating, which is awful. He is therefore entitled to compensation.

Robert therefore, as the person being left, gets the DVD box set of Grey's Anatomy that Kirsten left at his apartment and full custody of a pot plant they bought together at Bunnings.

The possibilities are endless, with new jobs being created for ‘agents’ who help negotiate your deal.

“I love you honey, and I hope our agents can manufacture a deal that suits both of us.”

So, there you have it. An age-old problem once again solved through the prism of sport. 

Titus will be performing at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and the Sydney Comedy Festival. 

Tickets Here: https://www.frontiercomedy.com/titusoreily

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Comments

Tricky 4 April 2018

Your best ever !!

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Carolyn 4 April 2018

Now where does the 'journey man' category fit - seems they are life long free agents without any restrictions.

Scott 4 April 2018

This was so much better than that Nicholas Sparks-penned rubbish Channing Tatum out yesterday

Aidan Twomey 4 April 2018

More food for thought here than an entire season of
My Kitchen Rules

Jona 4 April 2018

That's all well and good Titus, but what if you end up with a free agent like Danyle Pearce? I think a pot plant from Bunnings could hit targets better.

mark athorn 4 April 2018

any chance you can help me out as my agent? I am having similar "journeys" in love as i had in my afl career.

The Original Buzz 4 April 2018

What about delistings for those that don't make the grade?

macca 4 April 2018

Free Agency has to be a big step up from being thrown into the draft where you might be forced into a relationship with some scrubber from Port Adelaide.

kwofperth 4 April 2018

What about requesting a trade?

RLJ973 4 April 2018

I think a sister in law compensation pick needs to be explored too

Boon 4 April 2018

Yeh but at what point does Liam Pickering come in to it?

Freomania 4 April 2018

How does the Father-Son Rule fit in with this?

GotItSussed 4 April 2018

I am holding a draft combine to identify the best new talent coming through.

Once Burned 4 April 2018

I strongly advise against re-drafting ex players because of romantic notions, fraught with danger and might not gel well with your current roster

Ciggy 4 April 2018

If Buddy even looks at another club, the swans are getting knocked up & trapping him in a loveless relationship.

Ciggy 4 April 2018

If Buddy even looks at another club, the swans are getting knocked up & trapping him in a loveless relationship.

Nod 4 April 2018

Brilliant

Bruce Munday 4 April 2018

Is there an online tutorial showing how to look as if you are fully committed to the existing relationship right up until the time you become an unrestricted free agent?

Kate 4 April 2018

Wow! You have put some serious thought and effort into this one!!
Brilliant..makes me wonder if you are borderline Free Agent?

Benny 4 April 2018

Reckon I’d be able to snare a solid 8/10 if I offer up a top 5 pick + compensation? Previous drafts have let me down and i’m looking for a known quantity.

Jazz 13 April 2018

That was a hoot. A lot of quality comments too.

The Property Steward 16 April 2018

All well and good if you can sneak them in under the salary cap. Surely one can rookie list a partner on the understanding that they won't play finals?

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WEBSITE
(BALOGUNSPELLTEMPLE.COM)

My names is sophy i want to testify about the great spell caster called dr balogun my husband and i have been married for 5 years now we don't have a child and the doctor told us i can't give birth because my womb have been damaged due to wrong drugs prescription this got me so worried and my husband was not happy and so he decided to get married to another girl and divorce me i was so sad i told my friend about it she told me about a powerful spell caster she gave me his email address well i never believe in it that much though i just decided to give him a try and he told me it will take 24hrs to get my husband back to me and i will get pregnant i doubted him the 3rd day my husband came back to me and was crying he said he didn't want the divorce anymore 3 weeks after the doctor confirmed that i was pregnant he can also help you contact him at drbalogungreatspelltemple@gmail.com
Website balogunspelltemple.com
WhatsApp +234764627888
you can also contact him if you need help in the following encounter:(1)get your lost love back
(2) If you need financial assistance called get rich in 3 days 2Herbal care (3) Disease, Virus and Sickness (4)binding spell and any other issues bordering you concerning your life Contact him today on: drbalogungreatspelltemple@gmail.com, you can also contact contact Dr balogun through his cell phone or add him up on whatsapp +2347064627888 he is tested and trusted i will forever be thankful to dr.balogun

Katherine 7 July 2018

This is my testimony about the good work of Dr Paul who help me.... I'm Katherine from usa. And am sorry for putting this on net but i will have to by this world top spell caster that brought back my husband which left me out for past 3 years, i eventually met this man on a blog site posting by one of is client for help, i explained everything to him and he told me about a spell caster that he had heard about and he gave me an email address to write to the spell caster to tell him my problems. In just 2 days, my husband was back to me. I just want to say thank you to this truthful and sincere spell caster, sir all you told have come to pass and thank you sir. Please i want to tell everyone who is looking for any solution to problem, i advice you to kindly consult this spell caster, he is real,he is powerful and whatever the spell caster tell is what will happen, because all what the spell caster told me came to pass. You can kindly contact him on: his email address is astoriashrine@gmail.com or directly on whasapp +2349051441669

Alicia berry 7 July 2018

My name is Alicia,from UK.I contacted Mr. Femi okuns, after wasting time on other so called witches & spell-casters. I spent thousands of dollars with no results. Up to the point where I contacted via email: homeofspells.247@gmail.com I had No contact with my lost love,my husband whom he helped to bring back to me permanently.I realized Dr was special, because,the day and moment i sent our details,He asked me to call my husband, after two months of No contact at all.from that point,everything changed,now my husband is back to me. Mr. Femi has since cast 3 different spells for my friends and all are working fine.the days whilst he is performing the spells, He is there, as he says on his site 24/7. I live in the UK, and the time difference makes it difficult to keep in touch within reasonable hours, but he is always willing to listen and cast spells. I am confident that the results you wish for will manifest when you contact Mr. Femi okuns,via email: homeofspells.247@gmail.com. whatsapp +2348133586416, I want to share my testimony he is more than a wizard, he is a friend, mentor and HERBAL HEALER & spiritual spell-caster Contact on whatsapp or call: +2348133586416, today for your HERBAL CURE and spell

Sarah Jack 7 July 2018

Henderson Elizabeth
Dr joy is a trust worthy spell caster and he will be of great help to you. I never believed in spell casting but After 4 years of marriage my husband left me because I lost my womb, and i was unable to give birth to children. I felt like my life has come to an end, and i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time, but thanks to this spell caster called Dr joy whom i met online after my friend Becky Ross told me how he also helped her to bring back her husband in less than 2 days. I believed her and decided to give Dr joy a try and i contacted him on his email joylovespell@gmail.com. and explained my problems to him. He laughed and told me that In less than 2 days, my Husband will come back to me again, and that he will restore my womb and i will give birth to children. At first i thought it was a joke but i took courage and believed as Dr joy has said and it did happen just as this Great spell caster said, My husband called me and was crying, begging for forgiveness. I forgive him and today i am so glad that all worries and problems has gone away, and we are even happier than before, another good news is that i am pregnant now, and very soon we will have our baby. Dr joy is really a gifted and a powerful spiritual man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. I advice you all If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems just Contact Dr joy on his email on joylovespell@gmail.com. because he will always help you to solve all problems. Once again thank you Dr joy. Thank you, thank you.
you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348100452479.

Lucus Ruth 7 July 2018

Amazing Love Spell To Get Back With your Partner and Fix Your Broken Relationship

This is a very joyful day of my life because of the help Dr.Trust has rendered to me by helping me get my ex husband back with his love spell. i was married for 6 years and it was so terrible because my husband was really cheating on me and was seeking for a divorce but when i came across Dr.Trust email address on the internet i explained my situation to him and then seek his help but to my greatest surprise he told me that he will help me with my case and here i am now celebrating because my Husband has change totally for good. He always want to be by me and can not do anything without my present. i am really enjoying my marriage, what a great celebration. i will keep on testifying on the internet because DR.trust is truly a real spell caster. DO YOU NEED HELP THEN CONTACT Dr.Trust NOW VIA EMAIL:

Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com Call him +1(317) 762-7416
his via website http://utimatespellcast.blogspot.com

Lucus Ruth 7 July 2018

Amazing Love Spell To Get Back With your Partner and Fix Your Broken Relationship

This is a very joyful day of my life because of the help Dr.Trust has rendered to me by helping me get my ex husband back with his love spell. i was married for 6 years and it was so terrible because my husband was really cheating on me and was seeking for a divorce but when i came across Dr.Trust email address on the internet i explained my situation to him and then seek his help but to my greatest surprise he told me that he will help me with my case and here i am now celebrating because my Husband has change totally for good. He always want to be by me and can not do anything without my present. i am really enjoying my marriage, what a great celebration. i will keep on testifying on the internet because DR.trust is truly a real spell caster. DO YOU NEED HELP THEN CONTACT Dr.Trust NOW VIA EMAIL:

Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com Call him +1(317) 762-7416
his via website http://utimatespellcast.blogspot.com

Lauren 8 July 2018

Hello my name is Lauren i'm from USA i want to testify of a great and powerful spell caster my husband left me and the kids for 2 weeks when i called him he didn't pick up when he came back home the 3rd week he told me he wanted a divorce i was so sad i cried all night he left again i was so lonely the next day i was searching for something online when i found a spell caster called Priest Ade who have helped so many people with their problems so i contacted him with my problems he told me it will take 24hrs and my husband will be back to me i did every thing he told me to do and the next day my husband came back kneeling and begging he canceled the divorce we are now happy together Priest Ade can help you too Email him at

ancientspiritspellcast@yahoo.com or ancientspiritspellcast@gmail.com

Blogs: https://relationshipspell.blogspot.com

Website http://ancientspiritspellcast.website2.me

WhatsApp +2347059715465

Lauren 8 July 2018

Hello my name is Lauren i'm from USA i want to testify of a great and powerful spell caster my husband left me and the kids for 2 weeks when i called him he didn't pick up when he came back home the 3rd week he told me he wanted a divorce i was so sad i cried all night he left again i was so lonely the next day i was searching for something online when i found a spell caster called Priest Ade who have helped so many people with their problems so i contacted him with my problems he told me it will take 24hrs and my husband will be back to me i did every thing he told me to do and the next day my husband came back kneeling and begging he canceled the divorce we are now happy together Priest Ade can help you too Email him at

ancientspiritspellcast@yahoo.com or ancientspiritspellcast@gmail.com

Blogs: https://relationshipspell.blogspot.com

Website http://ancientspiritspellcast.website2.me

WhatsApp +2347059715465

peter james 8 July 2018

My name is Peter James From USA, Dr tebe is the only Dr who could ever get my HIV-AIDS cured with his healing spell, i have tried almost everything but i couldn't find any solution on my disease, despite all these happening to me, i always spend a lot to buy HIV drugs from hospital and taking some several medications but no relieve, until one day i was just browsing on the internet when i come across a great post of !Nicole! who truly said that she was been diagnose with HIV and was healed that very week through the help of these great powerful healing spell doctor, sometime i really wonder why people called him Dr tebe, i never knew it was all because of the great and perfect work that he has been doing that is causing all this. so i quickly contacted him, and he ask me some few questions and he said a thing i will never forget that any one who contacted him is always getting his or her healing in just 6 hours after doing all he ask you,so i was amazed all the time i heard that from him, so i did all things only to see that at the very day which he said i will be healed, all the strength that has left me before rush back and i becomes very strong and healthy, this disease almost kills my life all because of me, so i will to hospital to give the final test to the disease and the doctor said i am HIV negative,i am very amazed and happy about the healing DrTebe gave to me from the help of his ancient herbs But if you feel like contacting Dr tebe at once you can email him now for your own healing too at:(drtebe2@gmail.com). or email him on his other email for fast help (dr_tebe2@yahoo.com) add him on whatsapp +2348140544262 Thanks

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