Sep 04, 2021

AFL

Carlton announces winner of The Voice will coach club

34 Comments

Carlton President Luke Sayers has announced the club has settled on the process for selecting their next coach, the winner of Channel Seven’s The Voice.

Sayers said the club’s attempt to put in place a process to select the next coach ‘hadn’t worked', so the Blues will simply use some else’s pre-existing process.

“Sometimes, you have to admit that process isn’t really something you’re good at.”

“We tried, but you know, I just can’t help myself and I found myself secretly contacting coach after coach like some twenty-year-old sliding into everyone’s DMs as if their life depended on it.”

The new Carlton President said the decision was made after the discovery that his idea of building chairs that could turn around for blind auditions would come out of Carlton’s soft cap.

AFL legend Leigh Matthews welcomed the change, saying it was the most sensible approach to selecting a coach the Blues had put in place for more than two decades.

“I’ve frankly got more faith in Keith Urban, Guy Sebastian, Jessica Mauboy and Rita Ora selecting a good AFL coach than the current board.”

“Any one of the remaining contestants can’t do any worse than the last six coaches.”

The Voice contestant Bella Taylor-Smith said the chance to coach Carlton was ‘a nightmare come true’ and said she had now set her sights on coming second.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

COMMENTS

Appsy

Sep 04, 2021

Sheer genius Titus, I am surprised it wasn't thought of before.

Stan the man

Sep 04, 2021

Ronald Dale barrasso is available

Michael

Sep 04, 2021

Hey Titus - when did you start doing straight news? Personally, I prefer your satirical stuff but that’s just me.

Andrew

Sep 04, 2021

Some of your finest work Titus but it’s still Clarko’s job to lose

John

Sep 04, 2021

Rodney Eade has said he is keen

Roger

Sep 04, 2021

At this rate David Parkin is looking good odds

Kafka’s Ghost

Sep 04, 2021

Outstanding. Can’t think why CFC hadn’t tried this tack after Brett Ratten.

Roberto

Sep 04, 2021

I'd suggest that the coach's first single should become Carlton's new club song

The g train

Sep 04, 2021

It’s a right-field approach, but upon introspection couldn’t go wrong. Cory Bernardi will surely link this article in his “Common Sense” newsletter.

Sally

Sep 04, 2021

Got any tips on how I can sneak into WA to see our mighty Dees play!

Stoney

Sep 04, 2021

Big fella the once mighty blues have hit rock bottom. The great news is THEY HAVE STARTED TO DIG.. My thoughts are they should start a lotto style raffle to appoint a new coach. Like sell tickets at 2.00 each or 3 for 5.00. This may als o help with paying out the Teague train. Just my thoughts to help them. GLAD IT ISN'T THE DEES.. Stay on board with the DEES.GO DEES.

Don't Bag the Bluebaggers!

Sep 04, 2021

Titus, we're not even playing anymore this season and you still can't miss an opportunity to put the boot into the Mighty Blues. Fair suck of the sauce bottle, at least we played to the bitter end of the season and didn't tank the last few games. Frankly the board has disappointed me for years. I'd like to see a round where the club boards put on the boots and played each other, then maybe they'd appreciate the effort put in by coaches and players.

Leap

Sep 04, 2021

My wife asked whether you could be sued for saying things like that, Titus. I told her no way - there’s a strong truth defence there. Personally I’d have gone with Simon Cowell (Carlton’s got Talent). He’s brought real dash to The Wiggles recently.

Jim Tilbrook's Cheque

Sep 04, 2021

Titus you are on the right track, but there is a better plan, I think, that would solve the two major challenges that Victoria currently faces: ending lockdowns and ensuring Carlton remain in disarray.

There has already been talk of incentivising vaccination with lottery tickets. Why not make the incentive meaningful? All Victorians over the age of 12, who remain unvaccinated by Christmas will go into the draw, with the winner to be Carlton's coach for a month or until sacked by the Board, whichever comes first.

Ric

Sep 04, 2021

I am a bluebagger fan and I have got to say that your article was not even fun. While it was very silly it could have been much more witty instead of f*#kwitty. I got more laughs when someone said Andy Lee was going to coach the Blues especially since he lost a girlfriend to a player and the club lost that player to another club. So much to work with and so little done and who else but a Blues fan could appreciate being in that position.

Bazza

Sep 04, 2021

Have to come from “The Voice” couldn’t come from”Carlton has Talent”

Gus

Sep 04, 2021

Absolutely true. As a 61yro and born a blue, I'm absolutely disgusted with the Board over the sacking of David Teague. Why didn't you give him support and build a dynamic coaching group that would have enabled the club to grow as a powerhouse. About time this President and CEO were dismissed. Weakness begins from top. Time to cut the cancer out.! Get the past players to build the future. Not seat warmers.

Woody

Sep 04, 2021

Dan Andrews would be available for the job soon

AJ

Sep 04, 2021

Michael O'Brien will be available sooner.

Halftime Spray

Sep 04, 2021

Yes, but the point is, who cares?

David

Sep 04, 2021

May I suggest Delta Goodrem as she is gentle and soothing. With Delta being the coach of the Carlton Football club, the players could be more more proactive towards her and will finally regroup as a winning side. After each win, she will teach the players how to emphasize a better way of singing the club song as she will join in.

Craig

Sep 04, 2021

Humphrey B. Bear is available for the role. He would be a good fit for the kindie kids on Carlton's list.

Burnsy

Sep 05, 2021

Cerra must be over the moon to be landing at Carlton LOL. Not

John

Sep 05, 2021

I heard it on the grapevine that former president Donald Trump is interested in the coaching job. He has had new caps made with a built in mask “Make Carlton Great Again”.

Graeme Morrissey

Sep 05, 2021

I think Russell Coight would be the right man for the job.

Jezza!!!!

Sep 05, 2021

Excellent suggestion!!! The winner could head up an internal review, external review and a Broadway review with 3 part harmony 🎶

Bob's Your Uncle

Sep 05, 2021

The process the Carlton board have in place has already performed.
It managed to see off the loudmouthed tyre-kicker Ross Lyon.
My GF tip. Port to trounce your woke hipster fancyboy Dees.

Richmondpom

Sep 05, 2021

As a long suffering Richmond fan since I arrived in 87 and used to the vicissitudes of life it is with great pleasure to witness the continuous demise of Carlton.Now Eddie Betts has retired the last semblance of any thought of pity to them has gone. Long may it last .Btw Doggies to win

Greg

Sep 05, 2021

What an absolute mess,regarding this coaching shamossel, it's often said a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush...Wonder what sellers thinks of this.

maltwolf

Sep 06, 2021

Looks like Micheal O'Brien will be annoucned as the Carlton coach by the end of the week.
He carries all the form and experience necessary to carry the role with the impact and distinction that is integral with the Carlton Football Club.

Pat

Sep 06, 2021

The solution may well be to bring back John Elliott

Frank from Essendon

Sep 06, 2021

I believe that the Maguire & Hird combination could be just the tonic for the mighty Blues. Two negative adversaries together equals a big positive. Both at a good price at the moment and could create a new dynasty for Anzac Day.

30 Carat

Sep 06, 2021

Eddie Betts - first indigenous coach or Caroline Wilson -first female coach.

Still Got The Blues

Oct 02, 2021

Latest update:

Carlton, having successfully waited until all the good ones were taken, have appointed Michael Voss as head coach. Voss, described as "Nathan Buckley without the learning curve" and "said little at the Presser. Or at least said little that was intelligible. Carlton supporters can look forward to more of this most of the way through next season.

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