Aug 08, 2017

AFL

Gold Coast Senior Coach ad

55 Comments

Do you like living near the beach and surfing before, during and after work?

Would you be interested in doing a little footy coaching while you’re at it?

Well, good news! The Gold Coast Suns, a semi-professional AFL side, are currently looking for a new senior coach.

Relatively drug-free since, well, let’s not put an exact date on it, the Suns playing group are keen to work with someone who isn’t Rodney Eade.

You will take control of this group, with the aim of potentially, one day, developing them into AFL players.

Technically, you’ll report to the board but we are a bit lost so you’ll really report to the AFL.

As well as an attractive remuneration package, being on the Gold Coast the role is very low profile and expectations are not high.

Ideally, you’ll combine a deep level of football knowledge, with the willingness to take on a thankless task.

Depending on how quickly you can start, you could potentially coach AFL legend Gary Ablett Jnr.

I'm touring my new show 'Insufficient Intent' around the country. Come see me in the bye weekend before the finals. Brisbane date just added: All the details are available here.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. My aim is to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

COMMENTS

Bluey McKenna

Aug 08, 2017

Get stuffed... been there done that!

Nathan Buckley

Aug 08, 2017

Hi, My name is Nathan Buckley and i would love a chance to discuss your vacancy as soon as is practical.

I expect i will be relieved of the duties at my current job come end of business Saturday the 26th of August and i will be ready to start the following Monday.

I have experience with relatively drug free AFL players since the retirement of AFL great Dane Swan. I also have many years experience developing young players into someday become AFL players.

I look forward to hearing back at your earliest convenience,
Nathan Buckley.
Premiership runner-up captain

John Thompson

Aug 08, 2017

Nathan, you left off 'and one third of a Brownlow'.

Paul Roos

Aug 08, 2017

I could be interested if the role could be FIFO - 2:1 would be ideal. Great at creating a quality culture. Oh and I'll need a 3 year $5mill deal too.

Mick

Aug 08, 2017

"Premiership runner-up captain"... that is cold, mate.

brAd ScoTT

Aug 08, 2017

hi yes i am good AfL coach please hire me i turn your players into superstars. gud @ reking ear drums of players. good @ makeing excuses 2

Rod N. E. Eyde

Aug 08, 2017

Hi,

My name is Rod. I have been on an extended holiday on the Gold Coast for three years now and I feel I would like to stay. I feel I know my potential predecessors game plan quite well and I believe I can build on this over the next six or seven years. If all goes well I may even get this side into Richmonds preferred ninth place within a decade (if I can convince Gary to extend his contract until he is a couple of years above 40).

Please consider me as a potential candidate or else you may end up with Nathan, and nobody wants that because if Nathan comes... so does his father, Eddie.

Regards,

Rod.

Mark Neeld

Aug 08, 2017

Do you require any sort of qualifications?

Mick malthouse

Aug 08, 2017

Can Daisy come too?

Brad "Refund" Attwood

Aug 08, 2017

I coach my son's team so coaching the Suns team shouldn't be much different.

Ken Hinkley

Aug 08, 2017

To whom it may concern

I wish to express my interest in the current coaching position you have available.

I am adept at work with players with little motivation. My promise to you is that I WILL get the Gold Coast Suns into the finals.* Several of my present squad stars would be interested to transfer with me to strengthen list management.#

Looking forward to hearing from you at the earliest convenience.

Yours faithfully,
Ken

* As long as the AFL gives us a soft draw.
# Angus Monfries, Jasper Pittard, Jackson Trengove, Justin Westhoff and (of course) Nathan Krakouer

Dion"Woosh"Turner

Aug 08, 2017

I have had the nickname of an AFL coach since the late eighties. As I am clearly overqualified, I will deputise Mercedes Corby to run the show. She has kept a talentless freakshow in the news for 12 years, something not even Eddie could do convincingly. This is all about self promotion, right?

Leigh Matthews

Aug 08, 2017

I don't think Gold Coast could beat the Lions of '01 - '03. They're certainly the best side I've ever seen.

Jeff Geischen

Aug 08, 2017

To Whom It May Concern

I am available at any time to Unleash The Geisch.

Regards
The Geisch

Notmyfaulthouse

Aug 08, 2017

Hi , I want the job. I will put a broom through there like I did at Carlton, got rid of Betts , Garlet because they were show boats. Judd was overrated so I made him retire , but I bought in quality , Jones ! Yep I am a genius . I have already leaked rumours that the suns are interested and I would be a perfect fit . Looking forward to someone ringing me about it _______?? Someone?? Anyone??

Wayne Bennett

Aug 08, 2017

Hi,
I can coach the suns cause I taught Karmichael Hunt everything he knows. Plus looking to upgrade the current upgrade and where else do you get natural beauties but the Gold Coast

Wayne Bennett

Aug 08, 2017

Hi,
I can coach the suns cause I taught Karmichael Hunt everything he knows. Plus looking to upgrade the current upgrade and where else do you get natural beauties but the Gold Coast

Wayne Bennett

Aug 08, 2017

Hi,
I can coach the suns cause I taught Karmichael Hunt everything he knows. Plus looking to upgrade the current upgrade and where else do you get natural beauties but the Gold Coast

Stewart Dew

Aug 08, 2017

To Whom it May Concern:

Please stop contacting me! I don't want to go anywhere near that shambles of a "football club"

Regards,
S.D.

MR Annekcm

Aug 08, 2017

Hello, my name is Mr Annekcm and I come from ..uhh.. some place far away! (yes that'll do)

Anyway I... I say we give the coaching job back to the first coach!

Smithers

Aug 08, 2017

I like the way Mr Annekcm thinks!

Dimwit brereton

Aug 08, 2017

Football is a game of 4 halves and I think I'm da man to get this team back on the court

Dimwit brereton

Aug 08, 2017

Football is a game of 4 halves and I think I'm da man to get this team back on the court

Dimwit brereton

Aug 08, 2017

Football is a game of 4 halves and I think I'm da man to get this team back on the court

Carowhine Wilson

Aug 08, 2017

You have no girlth coaching. You are a disgrathe. I made chief football writer without knowing anything about the game. Thign up Anna Bligh now.

Malcolm Blight

Aug 08, 2017

Will you need to reside on the Gold Coast?

Damian Hardwick

Aug 08, 2017

I am currently in a dream. When someone pinches me and I wake up I am pretty sure I will be needing a new coaching job.
I bring Mrs Hardwick with me.

James Hird

Aug 08, 2017

Hi my names James
I have had some experience with football clubs and drugs.
The job sounds dope.

Terry Wallace

Aug 08, 2017

I have a five year plan and some snake oil.

IWANTAHOLIDAY

Aug 08, 2017

I have no coaching experience but anything is better than putting up with another bitterly cold Melbourne winter. How much does the job pay?

Michael Voss

Aug 08, 2017

I hear Tom Rockliff might be coming to Port Adelaide which is just WAY too awkward so I'm looking for a way out.
I was instrumental in the Lions being the powerhouse they are today and I believe I could get at least 17th place for the Suns, building some very healthy draft picks for whoever takes over from the guy that takes over from me.
Please, get me out of Adelaide. I'll pay you!

Dwayne Russell

Aug 08, 2017

CAN. YOU. BELIEVE IT. THIS IS ALL TIME. The natives were getting restless and now they've made it someone else's problem. Rocket was as good as it gets but do you think that the sun's could spear him? You betcha. They'll now need someone thats gold class. Oh baby, you can hear a pin drop.

Mark Thompson

Aug 08, 2017

I would like to express my interest in the senior role at the Gold Coast Suns.

I have experience in managing players of Gary Ablett Jr.'s caliber. I certainly know how to make them decide to leave and play for different clubs. Mark my words, with my leadership Gary will certainly return to Geelong mext season.

I also have great experience working at clubs that utilize revolutionary drug enhancing performance programs. Though for some reason, I don't often get credit for it.

I look forward to losing my passion for coaching once again at the Gold Coast Suns.

Yours truly

Bomber

D.Trump

Aug 09, 2017

To Whom It May Concern, As someone who has a passing interest in the colour orange, I feel that I may be able to bring some excellent, beautiful winning strategy to this excuse of a club. I have experience in chaos and revolving doors with my executives. I promise to bring thunder and fury to anyone that opposes me and I am looking forward to playing that Geelong team as I am sure we can grab them whenever we like ?

Brian Taylor

Aug 09, 2017

Boy oh boy wowee. Rocket was caught right in the eye-diddle-diddle of this one wasn't he. That was outta bounds sacking such a fine specimen. I was just starting to think he was the package.

Mark Evans

Aug 09, 2017

We owe it to our fan to get this decision right.

Reginald Dwight

Aug 09, 2017

Evans packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine AM
And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the hawks so much I miss my wing
It's lonely out in Carrara
On such a timeless flight

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
'Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
'Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

Surfers ain't the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact it's bogan as hell
And there's no one there to raise them if you did
And all this sports science I don't understand

Bob d

Aug 09, 2017

As a life time lions supporter, it breaks my heart to see that rabble suffering

K SHEEDY

Aug 09, 2017

Dear Sir/Madam
I would like to apply for your vacant coaching position. I have many years of experience in creating publicity out of nothing and can guarantee that even if the team don't win any games they will get extensive media coverage.

Dean Laidley

Aug 09, 2017

Hi, i was hoping to apply for the Gold Coast senior coaching position. I used to be a senior coach once. Remember? Why doesn't anyone remember me?

Israel Folau

Aug 09, 2017

Dear Sir,
I am currently employed in the worst rugby team in the world and would like a change. I have some aussie rules experience having once taken a mark in the twos. I am sure I can get my mate Carmichael to join me and we should be able to find a couple of basketballers too. Been a while since a team had a playing coach so you get two-for-one!

Jobe

Aug 09, 2017

Dear Sir,

I'm looking for a job. Know a bit about drugs and can pull a mean espresso. Also good mates with Bomber and Hirdy so can bring extras (if you know what I mean)!

Cameron Ling

Aug 09, 2017

Hi,

Thank you for your invitation to coach the Suns however I am quite happy barracking for Geelong as a member of the channel 7 commentary team. Wish you all the best.

Lingy.

Stephen Dank

Aug 09, 2017

Dear Sir,

While I have not yet held a senior coaching position in the AFL I have extensive experience in sports science and have worked with leading AFL and NRL clubs. To help gain experience I would choose outstanding and proven AFL coaches such as Bomber Thompson and James Hird to mentor me in this role. I sincerly believe that with a cutting edge sport science program that is WADA compliant# the suns can be playing finals within a few years.

Looking forward to working with you.

Stephen Dank
#WADA compliance may be optional

Distinguished Guy

Aug 09, 2017

Care for the Port Adelaide job? Requirements are simpler, just have to beat the Crows once before 2020.

Dennis Pagan

Aug 09, 2017

I would like to meet with the president quietly and take the job knowing all the wonderful draft picks and endless mountains of cash will ensure an outstanding next 3 years.
I have a well proven game plan and will recruit Duck Carey to show those gun forwards how to implement it.

Gillon McLachlan

Aug 09, 2017

Titus.

You are the only one who can read this message. Right now everybody else is reading yet another hilarious satirical post where the subject is expressing their interest in the senior coaching role at the Gold Coast Suns. You however can see the truth.

You will cease all investigations into the hiring methods for the Gold Coast Suns senior coaching role immediately. You will cease informing the public about the AFL's plan to take over the day-to-day operations at the Gold Coast Suns.

Please make sure to report in to AFL Headquarters as soon as possible so that we may give you your flu shot.

Andrew Gaze

Aug 09, 2017

Dear Sir,

I have a basketball background. When do I start?

Miss Jane

Aug 09, 2017

I think you Titus would be perfect for the job....but you still need to write your articles every week...you should have plenty of time. ..another classic read

Brendan Fevola

Aug 09, 2017

Dear CEO GCFC,

I'll be there by Saturday night. I can also be a player coach which could solve two Birds with one stone. Pretty sure I will enjoy the Gold Coast so would like to be considered for the position. I just need my current match payments matched (2 slabs of beer) and would be happy to get white line fever again for the GCFC. Also happy to have Karmichael Hunt serve with me as assistant coach to help generate the culture I require. Kind Regards, Big Fev

ALASTAIR CLARKSUNS

Aug 09, 2017

Stop calling me or I will grab you by the throat or punch a hole in the Carrara tin shed. Ginormous $$$ do not motivate me. Even if I cold bring Hodgey, Mitch, Lewis and all of my former assistant coaches, I am not interested. I already have a part-time interstate gig in Tassie! How much are you offering?

JC

Aug 10, 2017

Dear Sirs,

I have experience bringing individuals back from the dead and I am willing to try to resuscitate the corpse that is the GCFC. Will work for free but loaves and fishes required.

Paul Roos

Aug 10, 2017

Did somebody say "coaching job?"

Rod

Aug 22, 2017

Fuck off

caregivers

Aug 24, 2017

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