Melbourne fans and their staff will travel to the mystical city of Perth to watch their team play this weekend.
I’ve been to Perth a lot over the years and have already been over there three times this year due to a complicated parole order.
It has plenty of parking for your jet, the variety of cheese on offer is acceptable, and the Chairman’s Club at the airport is a welcome refuge from the public.
Just like the majority of Eastern states’ media coverage of the West Coast Eagles, my guide is light on insight and facts. Here’s what you need to know:
- ‘Perth’ is located in a country called ‘Western Australia’ so named because it is located to the west of Australia
- It is basically a giant open cut mine
- A coffee costs about $17 in Perth
- The biggest tourist attraction in Perth is the ‘Colin Sylvia basket’
- Western Australia is at war with sharks and is losing
- Optus Stadium is so loud, during games you can’t even hear Victorians complaining about bias.
- Apart from mining, other major industries include Little Creatures beer and… that’s it actually
- The two tallest structures in Perth are Josh Kennedy and Jack Darling
- Residents of Perth are referred to as ‘Persians’
- Perth is one of the most isolated cities in the world. The movie Mad Max: Fury Road tells the story of a group of Western Bulldogs fans making their way to the 2006 Semi Final against West Coast.
- The most popular hobby in Perth is booing
- Never try to introduce a mining tax in Perth
- Unlike Melbourne, Perth has a pleasant climate with regular bouts of something called ‘sunshine’
- A large number of residents in Perth have English or South African ancestry but are still nice people
- Perth is often referred to as the ‘Gateway to Rottnest Island’
- Despite media reports, you don’t need vaccinations for cholera and typhoid
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COMMENTS
Elisabeth
Sep 20, 2018
Ha!
Pablo668
Sep 20, 2018
Perth has also been referred to as 'The Bunbury of the North'.
And the bit about the Sharks is true.
Sharm
Sep 20, 2018
Haha haha too funny and very clever
Roscoe
Sep 20, 2018
love ya work TO'R
Your name
Sep 20, 2018
Must’ve been a dodgy cheese board if you think Western Australia is a country.
Matt
Sep 20, 2018
But will they be able to get a skinny soy chaì decaf latè with their cheese platter?
Des
Sep 20, 2018
It also has a lot of Victorians who wanted to relive Melbourne of the 70s.
Beware of Northern Perthites, those above the Swan River. Southern are much nicer.
Mare
Sep 20, 2018
I'm a Victorian who lives in Perth and loves Perth....beautiful place! You obviously haven't spent much time here...
Jack Murphy
Sep 20, 2018
Provided the Dee's win through to the GF the majority will be happy, we don't all boo, some of us wishing you nothing but success
Farquhar
Sep 20, 2018
The best thing to come out of Perth, is the Great Eastern Highway.
Rosanna
Sep 20, 2018
"The two tallest structures in Perth are Josh Kennedy and Jack Darling" - GOLD!!!!!
Susan
Sep 20, 2018
Perth - think rosebud with buildings
Kristian
Sep 20, 2018
I especially like the skyline photo.
I can offer you some penthouse apartments in those 2 massive buildings on the right if you're interested.
Just don't ask to inspect them...
Anonymous
Sep 20, 2018
Mus read: Ben Cousins Guide to the Snowfields
Blue Run
Sep 20, 2018
Which are the best ski fields?
Nick Naverly
Sep 20, 2018
You forgot to mention (and I'm recently from Melbourne) that Perth people are the friendliest in the whole of Australia. There is more to WA than Perth you are sadly misinformed. Do us a favour please stay in Melbourne!!
Boofa
Sep 20, 2018
You can always tell a West Australian....
But you can't tell him much !!
Flogs.
Rob from Perth
Sep 20, 2018
The best thing about Perth is that if the weather ever gets too hot, your local ice vendor is never far away. Go Eagles!
Freogirl
Sep 20, 2018
Yes but everytime you include an additional word to your coffee order the price will go up $4.80
Freo Dorker
Sep 20, 2018
Many Persians have great difficulty comprehending satire.
Ronny
Sep 20, 2018
I just luv the way that the transplanted Victorians have taken your comments soooo seriously. It's so Melbourne.
Brett
Sep 20, 2018
There are over 500 mines in Western Australia. Once the first one is empty, we are going to fill it with Dees and Collingwood supporters.
That's ok. You can thank us later.
Power Crazy
Sep 20, 2018
Don’t take your skis and don’t scratch the surface when you there. Trust this advice and you’re a chance of getting out alive.
2ndeffort
Sep 20, 2018
No mention of side attractions. Most Dees fans will be foregoing the annual Pond Skim championship at Mt Buller this weekend. What alternatives are available in Perth?
Dees2018premiers
Sep 20, 2018
I went to Perth once... had to turn my watch back 3 hours, and then back 30 years.
Persian in enemy territory
Sep 20, 2018
Hahaha ‘Melbourne fans and their staff’. You know it’s going to be good when it starts with that kind of gold.
Gerry O'Really
Sep 20, 2018
Look, for the denizens of Melbournia you might just as well say
''Perth is like Geelong but with better beaches.
Hope that helps a bit
KC
Sep 20, 2018
We dress to suit the day, We dont dress to suit 4 season in the day (p.s Dont be scared by the big yellow thing in the sky either it's meant to be there)
Your overisly dont cone to perth much
Sep 20, 2018
Really $17 for a coffee think you dont come here oftern mate and we not persians dumb ass
We're normal simple people that love our foity just like victorians
But really if when west coast beat Melbourne and colling wood win over the tigers should the grand final be held here of coursr it should but you jokes wont like that so shup up and comr enjoy our CITY
Anonymous
Sep 20, 2018
All i can say is go pies
Michael dee
Sep 20, 2018
Are you sure you've been to Perth. your so called facts are a bit shaky at best. could be the Melbourne rain interfering with your thinking process. also someone's comment that perth is like rosebub haha the river beaches in Perth are nicer
Random Persian
Sep 20, 2018
I also live in Perth and I'd like to say that unlike what you might expect from this comment section, there are some Persians who actually understand the concept "comedy".
insipod
Sep 20, 2018
Yes it is true the Sharks only won 2 games all yr.
David Wickham
Sep 20, 2018
"Just a pint of pale ale please"
That will be $12 thanks, welcome to Perth!
Bart
Sep 20, 2018
For the Dees fans... best place for a cheese platter - head to Armadale, Midland, Balga or Kwinana. You won't regret it.
Gary
Sep 20, 2018
Looks like the airlines were trying to tell us something about Perth and Persians by jacking up the prices!!!!!
Bazza
Sep 20, 2018
All we do in this state is dig holes make coffee and play footy and cricket.And you just watch us play footy on Sat arvo.And how about a thanks for the millions in GST we have given you Vics.
Buckets
Sep 20, 2018
“The Colin Sylvia Deep Fried Chicken Basket” to be precise!
Subicracho
Sep 20, 2018
Perth may be isolated, but it's not as genetically isolated as Collingwood
Haveacracka
Sep 20, 2018
Thank god the bright thing has turned up in Perth. Spent time their recently and all it did was rain and flood. Beautiful place Best city gardens in the country. Pricey...sure but more so when you head North from Perth.
Peter
Sep 20, 2018
And what part of Mexico is Melbourne in?
Ian Huitson
Sep 20, 2018
Perth has a tourist attraction ?
Rhonda
Sep 20, 2018
The fabulous new stadium holds 60,000 odd people. It’s fortunate it’s in Perth.
BorntobeWild
Sep 20, 2018
Bring yellow textas to colour in any red in your jerseys and you’ll be just fine while you sip that $19 coffee (it’s gone up).
Thuit
Sep 21, 2018
Satire!
Harry (Perth)
Sep 21, 2018
Very amusing, keep it up!
WhoCares
Sep 21, 2018
until you reach Sawyers Valley
Geno Rawlings
Sep 23, 2021
Fremantle every Sunday 3am is referred to as Beirut