A highly unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week One | Titus O'Reily

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A highly unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week One

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week One


Adelaide v Greater Western Sydney (AO) 7.50pm

The last time the Giants travelled to Adelaide, in round one, it certainly wasn’t heaps good.

In fact, it was a belting to the tune of 56 points and was an early sign that GWS might not be the certain premiers many had predicted, and the AFL had tried to engineer.

In fact, all season, the Giants have gone out of their way to prove they are not the instant heir apparent, even putting in a 44-point loss to Geelong in round 23 to remind everyone they are a fair bit off.

The Giants have dropped Steve Johnson for this one, but the big question is, can they gel as a side with many players only returning from injury in recent weeks?

If they do, the terrifying prospect of an all Sydney Grand Final remains intact, a scenario currently creating more fear in Victoria than this sideshow on the Korean Peninsula.

Leon Cameron wrote a lovely note of thanks, this week to Rory Sloane’s appendix, the greatest tagger the Giants have ever had.

It was careless of the Crows to allow another player to suffer a burst appendix. Take them all out I say. Surely, every non-essential organ should be removed from an AFL player anyway. The players should have negotiated cash for their organs in the recent Enterprise Bargaining Agreement.

I’m surprised the AFL’s merchandise unit hasn’t thought of selling player’s organs before. Actually, they probably have.

The Crows have recalled Tex Walker and Daniel Talia and should have the fire power to get it done here.


Geelong v Richmond (MCG) 7.50pm

Only a Tigers victory can prevent a flood of memes that threaten to flood the internet, causing it to crash and never be resurrected.

The global shutdown of the net will lead to the collapse of the world’s financial system, triggering riots, the breakdown of society and the establishment of fiefdoms run by regional warlords.

We will be plunged back into the dark ages. So, no pressure Richmond.

On the plus side, this would mean we wouldn’t have to read about how great Cathy’s life is on Facebook. We know you love your husband Cathy, there’s no need to tell him through Facebook every five minutes.

Damien Hardwick says he’s encouraged his players to ‘embrace the hype’ this year, a significant shift from Richmond fans’ ‘fear the hype’ approach.

Imagine if Richmond could ever harness their hype? They’d have the greatest club in the history of the world.

Richmond fans are right to fear finals; they haven’t won one since 2001. That’s the year the first Lord of the Rings movie came out. You know you’re struggling at a task if it takes longer than the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I completed my Masters of Epidemiology during the first movie, for example.

Still, the Tigers are on a roll, with Richmond announcing Dusty Martin will remain a ‘Tiger for life’ recently.

I’d always expected to see a headline with ‘Dustin Martin’ and ‘For Life’ in it but in a different context.

Cats fans and AFL Umpires were thrilled to hear Joel Selwood has managed to get back from his ankle injury.

Geelong has won the previous 13 games against the Tigers, which is a relatively decent track record.

The Cats have always found a way against Richmond, for example, the last time they played, the Greatest Player of all Time Alex Rance, was beaten by Harry Taylor, who is not even a forward and technically retired three years ago.

I think the Cats will win this one.


Sydney v Essendon (SCG) 4.20pm

In fairness to the Swans, they gave losing a good try earlier in the year but found it wasn’t for them, so they just stopped.

It makes this trip rather daunting for the Bombers, who have returned to the finals after overcoming an international conspiracy that tried to destroy their club, led by the Swiss, who are usually neutral in most things.

The good news for the Bombers is they played very well last time against the Swans, only to give up a nineteen-point lead with less than five minutes to go. If Essendon works as hard at winning this as they did at losing that one, they’re a real chance.

What would be worrying Bombers fans is Buddy Frankiln’s delight at terrorising their team.

He’s always turned on his best against them, and this year, the AFL have announced he doesn’t have to follow the rules of the game if the resulting goal looks amazing. This means he can run up to seven kilometres without needing to bounce the ball.

The AFL said they were inspired by the NBA’s approach to enforcing travelling.

While Essendon have shown patches of brilliance this season, it’s hard to see them beating a seasoned finals team like the Swans on their home turf.

Port Adelaide v West Coast (AO) 7.50pm

West Coast may have only snuck into the finals like a Stephen Bradbury in the night, but they would be thrilled to be playing at Adelaide Oval, having won five of their last six games there.

In fact, they should probably consider playing all their home games there and might have to, considering the footbridge the WA government ordered for the new Perth Stadium hasn’t shown up, always a danger when buying something online.

Etihad Stadium has previously been the gold standard for being impossible to get into, but even their management hadn’t considered making it impossible to even approach the stadium.

The Power’s woes against top eight sides is well documented, but West Coast are one of the few they have defeated this year.

Port's ability to kick down not up should see them well placed here.

Did you know the Eagles only made the finals by 0.5 percent? I did because that’s all I’ve thought about for the past two weeks, like some crazy obsessive who lives vicariously through other people.

Anyway, what I’m saying is tipping this is hard.

I’m going to tip the Power.

A big thank you to everyone who came and saw my Insufficient Intent Tour over the past week. It was a lot of fun, and I hope to do it again next year. 

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. My aim is to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus


TimmyG 7 September 2017

Great summary Titus and great show with Serge in Adelaide Sunday night too! Looking forward to the next podcast!
Go Crowies tonight!

Go Crows 7 September 2017

The boys can get the job done even without Rory S!! #weflyasone

JD 7 September 2017

Isn't tipping Geelong against AFL's finals protocols?

maftek 8 September 2017

Not when they are playing Richmond

Tex Walker's Undies 7 September 2017

this year, the AFL have announced he doesn’t have to follow the rules of the game if the resulting goal looks amazing. This means he can run up to seven kilometres without needing to bounce the ball. -- Absolute gold!!!!

Paul 7 September 2017

Great stuff! Richmond should definately fear the hype! That's what i have come to love about finals! Watch the Tiger Train full steam one way, out of steam of the way back!

Bombers for the flag!

Andrew J Taylor 7 September 2017

Surely you're on drugs?

Laurie Brennan 7 September 2017

My sympathies Titus. But I warned you about the Eagles

Johnsy. 7 September 2017

Let's hope the Giants can smash the Camry cows tonight.

Radelaide Rob 8 September 2017

Yeah good one

Mouse 8 September 2017

How did that go for you?

CuChullain 7 September 2017

Please, oh please, can we have an all Sydney final? It would be worth it to see the Melbourne media go into meltdown.

Carnalions 7 September 2017

As a Queenslander living in WA, I endorse anything that gets Vic knickers in a knot. But just imagine this a Swans vs GWS Grand Final......at the Sydney Olympic Stadium! Only a Lions vs Freo GF at Perths brand new stadium would be better.....

Ben 7 September 2017

"Inspired by the NBA's approach to enforcing travelling". Love it

Timmy La 7 September 2017

I found these reviews truely unhelpful and now I have spilt my coffee.

Pablo 7 September 2017

I'd love to have been a fly on the wall when Sergio turned up in Adelaide.

mdso 7 September 2017

Bombers for the flag because I would like to see the AFL go into melt down. And the other 16 clubs lamenting on what might have been.

Dave Rabl 7 September 2017

Er...maybe that would be 17 other teams?

DW 7 September 2017

Checked the AFL's entire suite of governance documents. Appalled to see your pragmatic organ removal and sales ideas in none of them. The sooner you can organise to run for AFL CEO, the better. Your unique blend of despotism, wild ideas & lack of impulse control make you a virtual certainty. It's money for jam, that scheme, and could pay for all sorts of worthwhile things. Like more footy ambassadors for the Suns. Or whacking great weekly piss-ups and pay rise....sorry, proper board remuneration.

Superstar 7 September 2017

Realistically, the only way we will get an all Sydney grand final is if the giants lose to the crows, because otherwise they will end up on the same side of the draw.

Also; nice to see MDSO also doesn't consider Gold Coast a real AFL side. I personally think we should relocate them to AFLX. Tasmania is too good for them.

Come on bombers!

Daniel B 7 September 2017

*but if the player is representing a team from outside of Victoria, the AFL's umpiring department will admit fault at the behest of the inevitable media storm. If, on the other hand, said player is representing a team from Victoria, no negative comments will be made (see highlights packages involving C. Yarran, C. Rioli, etc.)

CBRA 7 September 2017

Most big name acts don't come to Canberra.
But Titus O'Reily did. Thank you.
(Decide for yourselves if he is a big name act or not.)
Carn the.... anyone but the Sydney ducks.

The Hopper 8 September 2017

There's no mention of Hawthorn here. Have I missed something?

CuChullain 8 September 2017

Nope. Not a thing :-)

patricii 8 September 2017

I like your thinking Titus-as far as I know, there are no recorded 7000m records. An opportunity for Buddy to set another!

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