Sep 22, 2017


A highly unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Three


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Three


Adelaide vs Geelong (AO) 7.50pm

After finishing the season a lowly second on the ladder, the Cats shocked the footballing world by upsetting the sixth-place Swans.

It was another reminder that when it comes to football, we are all idiots.

The victory means we get the two best sides from the regular season go at it and let’s hope we finally get a good game of football.

At least on paper, it looks good. Geelong’s Patrick Dangerfield returns to the city he once spurned, stating he wanted to see Adelaide burnt to the ground and their soil sowed with salt so nothing could ever grow there again.

While I thought that was a bit harsh when he said ‘South Australians shouldn’t have the same rights as other Australians’ he obviously stepped over the line.

Adelaide Crows fans were rightly offended, not so much about Dangerfield leaving but that he would leave them to spend time in Geelong. It’s often not the left; it’s who they leave for, don’t you get it, Karen?

The key to this game is how the Crows line up for the national anthem. If they stand apart, they will be dead certs to win, but if they link arms, well, they could be in for a long night.

Although, Geelong could also not link arms, which would negate the Crows non-linked stance.

The Cats could fake to link, then at the last second, not link, but the Cats could counter that by changing formation mid anthem, which while not in the spirit of the game, is technically within the rules.

I could see the Cats line up in a non-linked triangle formation, it’s risky but can work.

As you can see, it’s going to be an exciting tactical battle.

I’m tipping the Crows in this one.


Richmond vs GWS (MCG) 4.45pm

Only the Melbourne media would spend a week debating something that might not even happen. Yes, I’m talking about Richmond potentially having to wear a clash jumper in the Grand Final.

Granted, this Tigers team seem superior to recent incarnations, but let’s not forget the Tigers win a final about once every twenty years, so it’s certainly no sure thing.

The idea of a coin toss as suggested by Gillon McLachlan is just another example of the AFL making up policy on the run. How is there not a policy on this for the Grand Final?

Let’s just play a game of AFLX to decide what jumper they wear or better still, let them both play in their traditional jumpers.

We seemed to get by for about 100 years without clash jumpers until the AFL realised there was merchandising money in them.

Anyway, if Richmond are in the Grand Final, I will be too busy fleeing Victoria to care about what they are wearing. Regardless of the outcome, Melbourne will be a mess for weeks after.

It will be like when people in the Middle Ages left the city during a plague.

Tigers fans have been a weird mixture of having confidence in their team and complete panic that this fleeting happiness is about to be taken from them.

Richmond have a few advantages in this, they play on their home ground, and they should have a slight advantage in crowd support.

The AFL have announced that GWS themed cheering will be pumped into the stadium over the speakers to ‘create a narrative which suits the strategic direction of the Commission’.

Gillon McLachlan has also decreed that all supporters must wear bright orange for occupational health and safety reasons.

Tipping the Tigers is a tough ask, but it’s based on a lot of baggage, not the current situation. It’s like admitting Uncle Barry may have really given up the booze this time.

I dare say it, but I’m beginning to suspect Richmond might actually be good this year.

The Giants looked amazing last week, but they were playing a West Coast side that played the game with the intensity of a light training run. Plus, they were very old; most of them retired the minute the game was over.

Still, it’s hardly a stretch to imagine a Giants victory, but I think Richmond will win this Dusty and Goliath clash.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. My aim is to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here:


Simon Mcshane

Sep 22, 2017

If there is a coin toss for jumpers for the grand final and if Trent Cotchin wins the toss- he would probably choose alternate strip.

Noel Gould

Sep 22, 2017

The AFL has no rules,remember how Swans were penalized for snaring Buddy, entirely within the rules.I asked Gil the question at a Dinner,his answer,you will be happy next year.Hardly an answer to my question

Timmy La

Sep 22, 2017

I think, at this point in time of the season, we should all stop and reflect on what a great executive Gary Pert was for the Collingwood Football Club. Volcanic drug use has been reduced to mere geyser, salary cap space has been similarly erradicated and most importantly, he is another back office statistic.
And lets make the Eddie & Bucks relationship legal.


Sep 22, 2017

Ah yes, the Crows and Richmond in can hear the laughter of hate, like facing the world with a child on a stick, should either of them make it all the way and hoist, Lion King style, the poison chalice we know as the "Premiership Trophy" overhead. And the National Anthem "showdown"?. Would love to see both teams in a conga line, spoon style during the sing off...would put paid to what may well become the most entertaining part of the match...maybe the AFL can consider Teams now sporting, pre-game National Anthem jumper's...imagine the new revenue that could be generated?...especially when you factor in all the "special" round I am assuming we will now have a new "same sex marriage round"? Lets all just strap it on and get set for the ride of our lives!


Sep 22, 2017

This is one of the best calls of the year. Well played.


Sep 22, 2017

Hey Charlie Farlie-Leave the funny stuff for Titus mate and see your family doctor as soon as possible.Would like to know how the premiership cup could be a "poisoned chalice" So are you saying winning is losing? If so-mind officially blown!

Martin Peters

Sep 22, 2017

Eddie & Bucks relationship legal - Must go to a Yes/No Australia wide vote as all new ideas must do???


Sep 22, 2017

Tiger fan, Simon?


Sep 22, 2017

Tiger fan, Simon?

John Nicholls

Sep 22, 2017

Geelong have the wood on Adelaide. I'm tipping the Cats in memory of Polly Farmer. Greater Western Sydney (a dumb name, shoulda called them Parramatta, stick it up the ruby league) have too much talent to lose two prelims in a row. I don't tip Richmond, never forget that little grub Laurie Fowler.


Sep 22, 2017

Come on Cats. As a neutral in SA, I would love to see these toothless bogans come a cropper. It would just be a beautiful thing.


Sep 22, 2017

Well said that man. Charlie Farlie you have some serious humour deficiency issues.

Dustin Dangerfield

Sep 22, 2017

Agree with these sentiments 100%. I will do a nude run down North Terrace if the Cats win.

Adrian Wilson

Sep 22, 2017

Remember Noel, the Aust v NZ underarm was also within the rules. Creative accounting when everyone agreed to a true COLA, is hardly fare play and in the spirit of things. Sydney got their right wack.


Sep 22, 2017

Perhaps my favourite analysis of tactics of all time. Very convoluted, yet crucial to the result. Awesome, Titus.

Crowy McCrowface

Sep 22, 2017

Johnny, who are these toothless bogans you speak of? Port is not playing.


Sep 22, 2017

Please don't


Sep 22, 2017

You do know what "Neutral" means right? I'm guessing you may have a few missing teeth yourself Bud...

Charlie Farlie

Sep 22, 2017

Thanks for the encouragement Brett. In terms of the "poison chalice" reference...On Grand Final day last year, the Bulldogs were victorious and bound so we were told, for a "dynasty" that was only just beginning! Sorry if you were offended by what I now understand, thanks to you, was a clearly poor attempt at humour. I was not aware you had been appointed comedy critic and editor for the site, seriously man, relax a bit. I am a Port supporter, so I have to try and, if nothing else, amuse myself! Was it just the conga line stuff.....heeeeee!


Sep 22, 2017

Yep (shudder).

Bloke from the outer

Sep 22, 2017

Nice riposte there Charlie - particularly for a Port supporter.


Sep 22, 2017

Shut up and keep eating through that straw

Newt Troll

Sep 22, 2017

As a neutral in SA, I love the Crows hate the Pear and am as unsure about the meaning of neutral as Johnny is.


Sep 22, 2017

No such thing as a neutral in SA.
And, Titus, thank you for staying off the Crow-wagon, one more week please.

John Meckiff

Sep 25, 2017

Titus, I'm so sorry to hear about Karen, you should have called

Leave a comment

We promise to never share your email with anyone else.