The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Three

Friday

Adelaide vs Geelong (AO) 7.50pm

After finishing the season a lowly second on the ladder, the Cats shocked the footballing world by upsetting the sixth-place Swans.

It was another reminder that when it comes to football, we are all idiots.

The victory means we get the two best sides from the regular season go at it and let’s hope we finally get a good game of football.

At least on paper, it looks good. Geelong’s Patrick Dangerfield returns to the city he once spurned, stating he wanted to see Adelaide burnt to the ground and their soil sowed with salt so nothing could ever grow there again.

While I thought that was a bit harsh when he said ‘South Australians shouldn’t have the same rights as other Australians’ he obviously stepped over the line.

Adelaide Crows fans were rightly offended, not so much about Dangerfield leaving but that he would leave them to spend time in Geelong. It’s often not the left; it’s who they leave for, don’t you get it, Karen?

The key to this game is how the Crows line up for the national anthem. If they stand apart, they will be dead certs to win, but if they link arms, well, they could be in for a long night.

Although, Geelong could also not link arms, which would negate the Crows non-linked stance.

The Cats could fake to link, then at the last second, not link, but the Cats could counter that by changing formation mid anthem, which while not in the spirit of the game, is technically within the rules.

I could see the Cats line up in a non-linked triangle formation, it’s risky but can work.

As you can see, it’s going to be an exciting tactical battle.

I’m tipping the Crows in this one.

Saturday

Richmond vs GWS (MCG) 4.45pm

Only the Melbourne media would spend a week debating something that might not even happen. Yes, I’m talking about Richmond potentially having to wear a clash jumper in the Grand Final.

Granted, this Tigers team seem superior to recent incarnations, but let’s not forget the Tigers win a final about once every twenty years, so it’s certainly no sure thing.

The idea of a coin toss as suggested by Gillon McLachlan is just another example of the AFL making up policy on the run. How is there not a policy on this for the Grand Final?

Let’s just play a game of AFLX to decide what jumper they wear or better still, let them both play in their traditional jumpers.

We seemed to get by for about 100 years without clash jumpers until the AFL realised there was merchandising money in them.

Anyway, if Richmond are in the Grand Final, I will be too busy fleeing Victoria to care about what they are wearing. Regardless of the outcome, Melbourne will be a mess for weeks after.

It will be like when people in the Middle Ages left the city during a plague.

Tigers fans have been a weird mixture of having confidence in their team and complete panic that this fleeting happiness is about to be taken from them.

Richmond have a few advantages in this, they play on their home ground, and they should have a slight advantage in crowd support.

The AFL have announced that GWS themed cheering will be pumped into the stadium over the speakers to ‘create a narrative which suits the strategic direction of the Commission’.

Gillon McLachlan has also decreed that all supporters must wear bright orange for occupational health and safety reasons.

Tipping the Tigers is a tough ask, but it’s based on a lot of baggage, not the current situation. It’s like admitting Uncle Barry may have really given up the booze this time.

I dare say it, but I’m beginning to suspect Richmond might actually be good this year.

The Giants looked amazing last week, but they were playing a West Coast side that played the game with the intensity of a light training run. Plus, they were very old; most of them retired the minute the game was over.

Still, it’s hardly a stretch to imagine a Giants victory, but I think Richmond will win this Dusty and Goliath clash.

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