A highly unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Two | Titus O'Reily

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A highly unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Two

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Two

Friday

Geelong vs Sydney (MCG) 7.50pm

The phrases ‘straight sets’ and ‘bundled out’ have been used so often in conjunction with Geelong that I started to wonder if Sam Stosur was playing for them.

It’s no wonder people are sceptical of Geelong’s ability to win this game. Their performances in finals recently have been less inspiring than watching Question Time.

They’ve only won two of their last nine finals. Their finals form has been so bad that they even lost to Richmond in a final, which everyone knows is technically impossible.

So predictable has Geelong losing finals that Cats supporters didn’t even show up to last week’s game.

Geelong looks like selecting Daniel Menzel this week after learning that it’s hard to beat sides when you only kick 40 points.

A question mark remains over Joel Selwood, who was rushed back last week after ankle surgery. In hindsight, they could have lost just the same if they’d rested him.

Did you know Sydney lost their first six games this season? It was only mentioned 47 times in the opening minute of Channel Seven’s coverage of Sydney’s game last week so, you easily could have missed it.

Sydney’s record against Geelong is what the kids call ‘on point’ or ‘on fleek’ or something like that. I can never keep up. In my youth, we didn’t have time to invent slang; we were too busy working in the mines and trying to stay alive.

In the mines, you didn’t have a chance to post anything on Instagram anyway; for starters, the lighting down there is terrible, and Instagram hadn’t been invented. Plus, employers weren’t keen on us documenting our working conditions.

Anyway, the Swans seem to beat the Cats with the relentlessness of a snooze alarm. They’re also healthy which is a handy thing to be at this point of the season.

Sydney’s problem is they’ve had Carlton, the bye and then Essendon in recent weeks, so they effectively haven’t played AFL for a month now.

It’s hard to think of a scenario in which the Cats can win this, except they finished 2nd on the ladder and didn’t get there by regularly playing like they did against Richmond. I’m tipping the Swans, but it could be close.

Saturday

Greater Western Sydney vs West Coast (SS) 7.25pm

After cruising to an easy victory over the Power last week, the Eagles will be looking to upset the rather disappointing Giants.

The Giants have a habit this season of not necessarily being bad, just not being that good. I can identify with a group of people who don’t live up to their potential.

Against the Crows, they seemed to have all the urgency of a uni student whose essay isn’t due for months.

The trip to Adelaide also resulted in season ending injuries to both Jeremy Cameron and Shane Mumford.

Anyone who reads this column regularly knows I’m no football expert, but even I know that losing key players is not ideal.

If listening to endless hours of football panel shows has taught me anything (which it hasn’t) this will affect the Giants’ structure, which could limit their ability to play their brand of footy, resulting in their journey being over sooner than planned.

That said, the Eagles are still a fair bit off GWS’ talent level and after playing last week’s game and then travelling across the country they could be a little fatigued. Especially given Drew Petrie and Sam Mitchell are technically pensioners.

The last time these teams played, Josh Kelly had 43 possessions. Kelly is reportedly going to stay with the Giants next year, turning down a huge offer from North Melbourne.

Kangaroos fans can take some consolation that even though they may have missed out on Dustin Martin and Kelly, I’m told Jarrad Grant is still very much in play for them.

I’m tipping the Giants here.

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Comments

Timmy La 14 September 2017

What poppycock

macca 14 September 2017

What poppycock?
That was what Titus used to call his Grandfather.
Very informative as usual.

Poppy What?! 14 September 2017

A very under-used and under-rated word, that one. I salute you.

Nathan 15 September 2017

Just one that Hawthorn has to be careful using

Michelle 14 September 2017

Latest news is that Grant has decided to go on the dole rather than play for the Kangas.

Michelle 14 September 2017

Latest news is that Grant has decided to go on the dole rather than play for the Kangas.

laurie brennan 14 September 2017

Don't make me warn you thrice Titus

The Captain 14 September 2017

"Anyway, the Swans seem to beat the Cats with the relentlessness of a snooze alarm."
Gold!

Rob 14 September 2017

Given that North Melbourne have missed out on Martin and Kelly, rumour has it that Jack Watts is going , Melbourne have offered $1.1M per year for the roos to take him

Bloke from the outer 14 September 2017

The phrases ‘straight sets’ and ‘bundled out’ have been used so often in conjunction with Geelong....

He had that banked for Richmond, but why let a good line go to waste.

Liam Lenten 14 September 2017

If Geelong lose, that will make it 2-8 for them in their last 10 finals (since 2012) - that would be identical to the record that Richmond had in their previous 10 finals before last week (1982-2016).

Jack Graham will win the Norm Smith 14 September 2017

As soon as the Swans didn't select Tippett against the Bombers, they were certainties to flog us. Tippett was the one and only hope of a Bombers victory. It's called the Tyrone Vickery-effect.

No Nit Too Small to Pick 14 September 2017

"Geelong looks like..."
You really are a Dees fan...such good grammar!

Poor Sam 14 September 2017

Sammy Stosur...gold.
Did you know Sam Stosur's initials are the same as those of Straight Sets? Nominative determinism (kinda) at its finest.

Brett 14 September 2017

Any chance North Melbourne could target Jake Lever? As an Adelaide fan I would love to see him stay, and it seems as soon as a player faces the prospect of going to North Melbourne their current club is a lot more appealing.

Phantom 14 September 2017

Titus !! Time you commented on Kevin Bartlett's outburst re Jumpers - non ?!
Richmond, having been irrelevant in the competition since the early 80's, win ONE final and suddenly they want to 'run the show' again !
Who does he think he is ? - Eddie ?!!!!!!!!!!!

Frosty 15 September 2017

Phantom- Bartlett is not Eddie's understudy. That position has been ring-fenced by Kochie.

Billious 17 September 2017

There is nothing more predictable than Richmond as red hot favourites in a final. As Titus once said they are the only team in history to lose a final to a team that failed to make the finals and if there one thing Richmond are very good at it's loosing games thay should not lose.
The collective expectation of all Victorians is riding on Richmond getting up for the GF or the AFL will have to fill the trains, buses, planes and the G with Sydney freebies just to hear noise when GWS score a goal.
A truely national game demands two or at least one Victorian team in the GF or Danny (Blow our Dough) Boy may need to build a wall around the G to keep illegal foreign teams out.
If the wall doesnt work then he should do what his comrade in arms in DPRK would do, make the game fair for all remaining teams to qualify for GF as long as a Vistorian team wins the flag, should Adelaide and GWS play off.

Billious 17 September 2017

There is nothing more predictable than Richmond as red hot favourites in a final. As Titus once said they are the only team in history to lose a final to a team that failed to make the finals and if there's one thing Richmond are very good at it's loosing games they should not lose.
The collective expectation of all Victorians is riding on Richmond getting up for the GF or the AFL will have to fill the trains, buses, planes and the G with Sydney freebies just to hear noise when GWS score a goal.
A truely national game demands two or at least one Victorian team in the GF or Danny (Blow our Dough) Boy may need to build a wall around the G to keep illegal foreign teams out.
If the wall doesnt work then he should do what his comrade in arms in DPRK would do, make the game fair for all remaining teams to qualify for GF as long as a Vistorian team wins the flag, should Adelaide and GWS play off.

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