The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Two

Friday

Geelong vs Sydney (MCG) 7.50pm

The phrases ‘straight sets’ and ‘bundled out’ have been used so often in conjunction with Geelong that I started to wonder if Sam Stosur was playing for them.

It’s no wonder people are sceptical of Geelong’s ability to win this game. Their performances in finals recently have been less inspiring than watching Question Time.

They’ve only won two of their last nine finals. Their finals form has been so bad that they even lost to Richmond in a final, which everyone knows is technically impossible.

So predictable has Geelong losing finals that Cats supporters didn’t even show up to last week’s game.

Geelong looks like selecting Daniel Menzel this week after learning that it’s hard to beat sides when you only kick 40 points.

A question mark remains over Joel Selwood, who was rushed back last week after ankle surgery. In hindsight, they could have lost just the same if they’d rested him.

Did you know Sydney lost their first six games this season? It was only mentioned 47 times in the opening minute of Channel Seven’s coverage of Sydney’s game last week so, you easily could have missed it.

Sydney’s record against Geelong is what the kids call ‘on point’ or ‘on fleek’ or something like that. I can never keep up. In my youth, we didn’t have time to invent slang; we were too busy working in the mines and trying to stay alive.

In the mines, you didn’t have a chance to post anything on Instagram anyway; for starters, the lighting down there is terrible, and Instagram hadn’t been invented. Plus, employers weren’t keen on us documenting our working conditions.

Anyway, the Swans seem to beat the Cats with the relentlessness of a snooze alarm. They’re also healthy which is a handy thing to be at this point of the season.

Sydney’s problem is they’ve had Carlton, the bye and then Essendon in recent weeks, so they effectively haven’t played AFL for a month now.

It’s hard to think of a scenario in which the Cats can win this, except they finished 2^nd on the ladder and didn’t get there by regularly playing like they did against Richmond. I’m tipping the Swans, but it could be close.

Saturday

Greater Western Sydney vs West Coast (SS) 7.25pm

After cruising to an easy victory over the Power last week, the Eagles will be looking to upset the rather disappointing Giants.

The Giants have a habit this season of not necessarily being bad, just not being that good. I can identify with a group of people who don’t live up to their potential.

Against the Crows, they seemed to have all the urgency of a uni student whose essay isn’t due for months.

The trip to Adelaide also resulted in season ending injuries to both Jeremy Cameron and Shane Mumford.

Anyone who reads this column regularly knows I’m no football expert, but even I know that losing key players is not ideal.

If listening to endless hours of football panel shows has taught me anything (which it hasn’t) this will affect the Giants’ structure, which could limit their ability to play their brand of footy, resulting in their journey being over sooner than planned.

That said, the Eagles are still a fair bit off GWS’ talent level and after playing last week’s game and then travelling across the country they could be a little fatigued. Especially given Drew Petrie and Sam Mitchell are technically pensioners.

The last time these teams played, Josh Kelly had 43 possessions. Kelly is reportedly going to stay with the Giants next year, turning down a huge offer from North Melbourne.

Kangaroos fans can take some consolation that even though they may have missed out on Dustin Martin and Kelly, I’m told Jarrad Grant is still very much in play for them.

I’m tipping the Giants here.

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