The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Two.

Hawthorn v Melbourne (MCG) 7:50PM All times AEST

To think these two once almost merged. Since those days, they’ve both gone on to become powerhouses of the league, with four premierships between them in that time.

Now the Demons enter a final as favourites against Hawthorn, which is like the sun coming out at night or Cameron Ling offering an insightful comment.

It’s still strange the Dees are being held up as favourites, considering Hawthorn destroyed them earlier in the year.

Apparently, the ‘narrative’ has shifted since then. I don’t know what that actually means but it reminds me of when people say ‘brand’ about football all the time.

Sure, I understand words change all the time, but do we really need to go to marketing for our new terms?

How long until someone says their applying gamification to the game? Or say their defense’s aim is to provide an ‘immersive experience’ to their opponents forward line.

Hawthorn are not the underdogs everyone is making them out to be. Their big problem is Jaeger O'Meara is out, as is Ben Stratton.

O’Meara’s absence isn’t ideal for the Hawks, it means Tom Mitchell may need to work a bit harder. Ninety to 100 possessions should help, not impossible for Tom.

Melbourne’s pressure is unquestionably more than enough to win against a lot of teams, but their composure is what’s hurt them.

Geelong were so bad the Dees could paper over the cracks, but you want to make your chances stick against the Hawks.

I’m tipping Melbourne based on their current form, but it could go either way.

Collingwood v Greater Western Sydney (MCG) 7:20PM

The Giants tore apart Sydney last week but were certainly helped by the fact the Swans played like a side new to the sport.

It also didn’t hurt that Toby Greene played like Neo from The Matrix. High kicks, dodging the Match Review Committee in slow motion.

The Giants lost Josh Kelly last week and he won’t play in this. That wasn’t a big deal against the Swans as they forgot to bring their midfield, but against Collingwood that’s a problem.

It also doesn’t fill me with confidence that the Giants have only won twice on the MCG in their history. Due to the AFL not realising there are grounds outside of Victoria, you have to win on the MCG if you’re ever going to lift that premiership cup.

Collingwood can win on the MCG, which is a minor miracle considering going into this season many of us thought they couldn’t win anywhere. Miracle may not be the right word. Miracles usually mean something good has happened.

There’s been a lot of talk about scheduling at the Pies this week. Eddie lost his mind over it and Nathan said it wasn’t a big deal.

They’re like good cop, bad cop. Or more accurately, really angry cop and cop that has to get his team up for the weekend.

Not that Eddie’s point wasn’t correct, that the AFL make things up as they go along. But it’s always been thus. It’s a bit like railing against the tide. It is indifferent to your concerns and it’s never going to change.

I think the Pies can win this. May God have mercy on us all.

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