A highly unhelpful guide to Round Seven | Titus O'Reily

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A highly unhelpful guide to Round Seven

It’s the only guide to the round that admits it’s highly unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with poor grammar and spellings.

It’s your unhelpful guide to round seven.


St Kilda v Greater Western Sydney (ES) 7.50pm

Some sad news up front. After dealing with the local fried chicken shop closing a few weeks ago, I discovered the Mexican joint up the road has also shut, despite my best efforts to keep it in business. Sometimes life just feels so meaningless.

Anyway, I’ll press on because that’s the Australian way. Much like those people who are still debating what you can and can’t say about ANZAC Day. That’s gone on longer than the Selwood-Pendlebury nonsense.

While I wouldn’t dare speak for the ANZACs, I wouldn’t be surprised if their only wish was just for everyone to stop talking.

This is the first time St Kilda have played on a Friday night in a couple of years, which is odd given the low quality of sides that have been served up in that time and I don’t just mean Carlton. OK, I do just mean Carlton.

The Saints are coming off a big win against competition easy beats Hawthorn (yes, that was fun to write).

This is a slight change in pace, with the Giants in scary form. The only things I fear more than GWS, are heart disease and this crazy 17-5 fixture being implemented. I fear both are inevitable.

Either way, St Kilda are big winners out of this season already, with Hawthorn’s draft pick and signing Nat Fyfe apparently.

I’m tipping the Giants here, but you should respect the Saints at Etihad.


North Melbourne v Adelaide  (BA) 1.45pm

North fans got to finally experience a win, their first since 30 July 2016, snapping a ten-game losing streak. With that sort of record, it’s strange that Brad Scott is floating the idea he’s open to offers from other teams in the media.

Brad might have overestimated the demand for coaches who string together losing streaks like that.

After finally getting a win, they run up against the highly offensive Adelaide Crows. By highly offensive, I mean they score a lot of points, but either interpretation works.

The Crows are in such spectacular form that the only criticism people have of them is they might be too good too early.

I’m not sure that criticism holds much water.

Sure, injuries could hurt them, but right now they are significantly better than the rest of the competition. They could probably drop off a fair bit and still be the best team.

I give a lot of the credit for their success to Steven Trigg. His leaving has helped the club no end.

I’m tipping the Crows.

Collingwood v Carlton (MCG) 2.10pm

This is a ‘blockbuster’ in the same way typewriters are an ‘essential piece of office equipment’.

A rivalry is always a bit stale when you need to get out the history books to explain it to the young people.

Not that the young people care about an ancient rivalry, they’re too busy listening to Instagram with their friends or dancing the hip hop.

Collingwood’s win against Geelong has not only relieved the pressure; it’s got people excited about the Pies, perhaps none more so than Tim Watson, who said after that victory, “I’m going to say right here, right now, Collingwood are going to make the eight.”

Tim’s smart though; he didn’t specify it would be in 2017. Arguably every team will make the eight at some point in the future, even the Gold Coast Suns who have never shown any interest in doing so before.

Have Collingwood turned the corner or did they just play Geelong? It almost doesn’t matter, what’s most important is Scott Pendlebury and Joel Selwood exchanged some word on the final siren last week and not enough media coverage has been devoted to it.

Carlton beat Sydney last week, which once meant something, now it’s just a matter of waiting your turn.

This is a hard one to tip. Collingwood should win, but underachieving is their ‘brand’. Carlton having two wins after six rounds, on the other hand, seems like an overachievement. It’s all about expectations.

I’m tipping Carlton in an upset.

Port Adelaide v West Coast (AO) 4.35pm

Port’s last game before they head off to China to play in front of a bunch of expats and travelling fans.

Both these sides are currently making up the numbers in the eight; it will be interesting if either can find another gear to become contenders. You’re right; it’s not that interesting.

The Eagles will struggle, they are losing ruckmen faster than a newly loved up couple loses friends.

A lot has been made of West Coast struggling when travelling but being defeated by Hawthorn anywhere suggests far deeper problems.

The Saints belting the Hawks is an example of when you feel worse about a lose a full week later. I bet many an Eagles fans saw that game and thought, ‘we couldn’t beat these guys?’

The Power seems to be just below the top sides but if they can keep improving who knows what could happen? What won’t help is having to travel to China on a quixotic quest to win over a billion people who are completely unaware it’s happening.

If the Power falls off a cliff in the second half of the season, watch the knives come out.

I’m tipping the Power here.

Gold Coast v Geelong (MS) 7.25pm

Rodney Eade was a big part of Collingwood’s current success and is working his magic up on the Gold Coast again, adding a loss to North Melbourne last week to his CV.

The Suns now face a Cats team who were embarrassed last week by Collingwood and will be looking to take out their frustrations on the Suns.

Joel Selwood will be particularly keen to play a good game, assuming he can find time amongst doing interviews about ‘Mildly-irritated-conversation-gate’.

It’s been a harrowing week with Mildly-irritated-conversation-gate tearing families apart across this wide brown land.

I’m looking forward to the telemovie that Channel Seven have announced, with Stephen Curry as Joel Selwood and Rodger Corser as Scott Pendlebury. Eddie McGuire is apparently keen to play Eddie McGuire.

Gary Ablett will face his previous and future club, and it will be a good chance for him and Dangerfield to get to know each other and work on a few combos.

I’m expecting Geelong to win.

Western Bulldogs v Richmond (ES) 7.25pm

Richmond did a great impression of a top AFL side for the first five weeks, but against Adelaide, they forgot to play the last three-quarters.

Who hasn’t phoned in three-quarters of a work day? No judging here.

Facing the Bulldogs who are returning to form is not really what the doctor ordered, and a loss here could see the Tigers come under a lot of pressure for a side that would still be 5-2.

Sometimes I think we are all too harsh on the Tigers, but we’re nowhere near as harsh as they are to their fans.

The Bulldogs haven’t been at their best this year, but a lot of people saw a return to form despite losing to the Giants.

They certainly did appear to be a lot more aggressive around the ball but a loss is a loss, and they need to win here.

Given the Crows showed the Tigers team defence has more holes in it than the plot of Interstellar, you’d expect the Bulldogs to win big here.


Sydney v Brisbane (SCG) 1.10pm

The Swans seem set on proving those of us who thought they would come good, wrong.

Spectacularly wrong in fact.

Losing to Carlton like they did makes me feel a bit concerned about tipping them to win against a Brisbane side that has its own problems, Dayne Beams being out the biggest.

Brisbane haven’t played in Sydney since 2013, back when Sydney had a nightlife. The two greatest environmental tragedies facing Australia are the death of the Greater Barrier Reef and Sydney’s nightlife.

Unlike the reef, the worst thing about the lockout is it makes Melburnians feel even more smug about themselves.

I’ve gone a bit off topic, but I don’t care much about this game and neither do you.

Sydney to win (possibly).

Melbourne v Hawthorn (MCG) 3.20pm

To think these two sides came so close to merging. Now one sits in the top eight, stocked with young talent and the other sits 17th on the ladder and is in real trouble.

Yes, it’s been a tough road for the Hawks since deciding not to merge, while for the Demons it’s a golden age. Why I read today that Clayton Oliver has won the Brownlow and it only took him six rounds. Amazing.

I also read Christian Petracca is a hybrid of Sam Kekovic, Ron Barassi and Tim Watson. Not bad given he’s played just 23 games.

The last time Melbourne went into a game against the Hawks as favourite was so long ago that Fairfax Media was hiring people.

Melbourne may be improving, but there is still a long way to go. Their first half against Essendon was more frustrating than the AFL live app.

Hawthorn were more than frustrating. Against the Saints, they turned in one of those performances that make supporters wonder where all the footballers went.

Where one of them went is Melbourne, with Jordan Lewis facing his old side. Lewis has been a revelation at the Dees, providing much need veteran leadership and giving the club a chance to become better acquainted with the Match Review Panel process.

I’m tipping Melbourne to win.

Fremantle v Essendon (DS) 4.40pm

Fremantle’s mini-renaissance hit a bump last week against the Eagles, and now I don’t know what to believe. It raised so many questions.

Are they good? Are they bad? Are they still a Ross Lyon side that can’t ever score enough points to be a threat? Where are my keys?

Is Nat Fyfe off to St Kilda or is Perth FM brekky radio not 100 percent accurate?

If it turns out Perth radio isn’t 100 percent accurate, I don’t know if I can go on. It’s our democracy’s last trusted source.

I’m also not sure Essendon can go on either. They looked out on their feet in that second half against the Demons.

They looked so tired that I was concerned given there’s still a few weeks left to go in the season.

It’s almost like the comeback story was just a marketing slogan, and this isn’t the fairytale return every AFL fan has been so desperate to see.

Fremantle to win.

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John Nicholls 4 May 2017

Instagram? Hip hops? What are you talking about Tite?

GazzaB 4 May 2017

Those crazy kids with their pogosticks and their yoyos

Leah 4 May 2017

The regular Hawthorn side didn't make it down to Tassie last weekend. It was somebody's mum's third wedding. So they played a make-up side of Tassie Uni students. In case you were wondering.

NuffSaid 4 May 2017

Tassie has a Uni!?

Tassie Devil 4 May 2017

Yep, they major in Redneck and Slut.

Not PC 5 May 2017

That comment is a bit off Tassie Devil...

FraserGehrig'sMullet 4 May 2017

Round seven and no coaches have been sacked yet. The world has gone mad. Then there's the growing number of sleeve tatts, man-buns and awful moustaches - we scrubbers in the NT, who are too poor to pay for Fox, have to watch footy in standard definition. Switching between AFL and NRL (in HD) is just weird. The boofheads look so clean cut and smooth. Watching footy on livepass is a pixelated nightmare. It's 2017 isn't it?

If flared trousers come back in fashion, I'm giving up. Going hairless, inkless and nude is bound to be a trend that'll catch on.

Michelle 4 May 2017

Shoulder pads and velvet dresses are back in for women. The world has lost it.

TC 4 May 2017

The Swans play like they've tucked into last drinks well before the curfew.

Mouse Croghan 4 May 2017

Unlike the reef, the worst thing about the lockout is it makes Melburnians feel even more smug about themselves.

I’ve gone a bit off topic, but I don’t care much about this game and neither do you.

You got that right Titus - good stuff.

Clive Waterhouse's underpants 4 May 2017

what no mention of hugs? I thought it was great to see an AFL player learning some skills from the sport of soccer

Papa Romeo 4 May 2017

And the award for the first ever use of the word 'quixotic' (and in correct context at that) in a sports article goes to....

WARNEY 4 May 2017

Why the fuck did you have to tip Melbourne - please fix

Annn 4 May 2017

Who *listens* to Instagram??

Michelle 5 May 2017

Aw, Annn doesn't understand the joke.


Yes...the Crows are too good too early...and that's highly offensive.
And Steven Trigg is definitely to blame.

BenO 5 May 2017

a dig at Trigg is always appreciated.

Matto 7 May 2017

You shut your mouth when you're talking about interstellar. You're talking about the best movie since 2001...

The Hopper 8 May 2017

The movie or the year...?

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