A highly unhelpful guide to the Round Six | Titus O'Reily

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A highly unhelpful guide to the Round Six


Greater Western Sydney v Western Bulldogs (MO) 7.50pm

No Carlton this Friday night, so we’ll have to settle for this snooze fest between two teams that played one of the best Preliminary finals ever last year.

There’s a lot of history between these two clubs, which you can rarely say about a contest involving the Giants. This is GWS’ first real rivalry.

Like first loves, emotions are heightened and like first loves, your first rivalry usually ends in a lot of bad blood.

Being a huge home game for the Giants, this is, of course, being held in Canberra, welcome to the AFL Giants fans. Bewildering decisions are its proudest tradition.

The Giants have been in fine form since the Loss They Needed to Have™ against the Crows. I put a lot of their strong recent form down to the off-season recruitment of Brett Deledio.

The Bulldogs haven’t been anywhere near their best this season. They might be doing that ‘peak at the right time’ thing like Richmond aren’t doing.

This game will be all about matchups. At least, I think it will be because I heard someone say that on the radio the other day and it sure sounded like they knew what they were talking about. Although they also said, ‘scoreboard pressure’, which is what dumb people say to sound smart.

Giants to win.


Hawthorn v St Kilda (UTS) 1.45pm

No Cyril Rioli, so I’m down to being able to name about three Hawks. Scratch that, Mitchell and Lewis left, didn’t they? So just Jarryd Roughead. The rest are just those generic players Clarkson plugs into various roles.  

At least, Jaeger O’Meara is back after his knees took a few weeks off to rest, which is not concerning at all in a 23-year-old.

This is being played in Launceston, where it’s going to be colder than my heart on Saturday.

That’s OK for St Kilda, they’re used to that, after playing all those games in New Zealand during their highly successful conquest of that country.

Last week, Hawthorn either sprung back into outright Premiership favouritism or just played West Coast at the MCG.

The Saints have been disappointing this season and a loss here mean panic stations. Not for the club but for the media and fans.

I’m tipping the Saints but this is their last chance. We are developing trust issues.  

Carlton v Sydney (MCG) 2.10pm

Finally, the Swans get a win. At least they should or things will move from ‘challenging’ to “Help! Everything is on fire!”

Sydney’s drop off is one of life’s great mysteries, like how is Michael Slater still a commentator? Or why is Channel Seven so invested in the Megawall?

I think it’s the fact that Australian Rules is such a team game that a few key injuries and some players leaving can make any team go from the top of the tree to the bottom. If the five worst players in your team are hopeless or young kids, you’ll struggle.

In Carlton’s case, all but about three players are hopeless or young kids. Just looking at who still gets games at Carlton shows how far off they are.

Dale Thomas has not been recalled this week, as the Blues make sure they don’t trigger the fifth year on his contract. This may be the smartest thing they’ve done since 1995.

Swans to win.

Brisbane v Port Adelaide (G) 4.35pm

Against Carlton, the Power had one of those games you sometimes have on the PlayStation when you’ve got the difficulty setting on too low.

It’s fun for a bit but gets boring very quickly but you finish the game strong because you’ve got pride in your work and your nuggets aren’t ready yet.

The Lions might be a slightly harder proposition. Brisbane have been much improved this year, with the players appearing to like and respect Chris Fagan and enjoying that new sensation.

Rising Star nominee Eric Hipwood looks so impressive, I’m surprised I haven’t read more ‘Melbourne clubs are circling’ stories about him.

I think Hipwood is obviously homesick for Melbourne. He lived here until he was three before moving to Queensland, so he obviously wants to come home.

I think Port will win here but I no longer dread watching Lions games like I did all last season.

North Melbourne v Gold Coast (ES)   7.25pm

The Kangaroos may be the greatest 0-5 team of all time. Unfortunately, there’s no cup for that, a rare moment in the AFL that usually has a cup for every single little thing.

Brad Scott’s war on veteran players continues with both Lindsay Thomas and Andrew Swallow chopped this week. Say what you want about Brad but you can’t accuse him of being loyal.

Can North once again build up a significant lead and then squander it in a final quarter that should have the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme playing in the background?

It’s going to be much harder this week as wasting golden opportunities is in the Gold Coast DNA, not something they just do for a few games.

If North get a big lead, they could possibly hold it against the Suns.

For the Gold Coast, the big question is ‘who will coach them next year?’

Mark Robinson suggested the AFL should consider Nathan Buckley. It’s not the worst idea I’ve heard but it’s a good effort.

North should win this.

West Coast v Fremantle (DS) 8.10pm

West Coast can’t win on the MCG and this week they might be able to show they can’t win at home either.

They were awful against Hawthorn and I’m still upset with them for ending that wonderful losing streak the Hawks had going.

The Eagles have Sam Mitchell returning and it will be nice to have someone on the team who wants to win.

The Dockers are another story. Effectively, Ross Lyon did some rearranging of the deckchairs on the Titanic and it suddenly stopped sinking. That’s not meant to happen.

Can they keep it up? Who knows? Nobody saw this turnaround coming so I’d be suspicious of anyone claiming to be able to predict what’s going to happen here.

The Eagles are of course better at home, but who isn’t? You get me at home, on the couch with a blanket, a drink and some Netflix and I’m never better.

Get me away from home and I’m an awkward, uncoordinated mess. Wait, I’m the Eagles embodied in one person. I also took a lot of drugs in 2006! To be fair, they were for a nasty case of pleurisy.

Eagles to win.


Essendon v Melbourne (ES) 1.10pm

What’s most important here is that both sides display their brand of football. Their ability to do that will give us a great insight on where they are on the respective journeys.

Did that sound like proper footy commentary? Instead of banning headbands, the AFL should ban people using ‘brand’ and ‘journey’.

If we do have to have brands, Essendon are United Airlines, find it hard to say sorry, and Melbourne are Kodak, relevant in the 1950s.

The Dees have a lot of issues, with ruckmen basically the Spinal Tap drummers of the club.

Playing a season without a ruckman is like getting Craig Hutchison to host The Footy Show, it’s just not going to work and everyone knows it.

Melbourne couldn’t beat the Bombers last year when they had volunteers from the stands playing for them. Now they face them with no ruck and Jesse Hogan missing due to the tragic passing of his father.

The Bombers are coming off a great ANZAC Day victory and must like their chances here.

Melbourne are wounded and even when they weren’t wounded they were as inconsistent as the temperature of Chicken McNuggets. Seriously Maccas, sought it out.

I’m tipping Essendon.

Geelong v Collingwood (MCG) 3.20pm

Collingwood have been in trouble but things are looking up with Lynden Dunn to play this week. His recruitment sums up Collingwood perfectly in recent years.

Eddie McGuire gave a speech on the radio this week that many called inspiring but didn’t address any of the substantive issues facing the club.

His basic message was Collingwood fans and the club must stand side by side no matter what. It was stirring stuff and the Pies fans I’ve spoken to can’t wait to stand side by side at the bottom of the ladder for the foreseeable future.

I’m yet to meet a Collingwood supporter who agrees with McGuire’s view. The ones I’ve spoken to think Buckley’s a great guy but can’t coach.

Geelong are travelling along very nicely at the moment. I can’t see them having much to worry about until finals. Their issue will be, can they match it with the Giants and the Crows?

They’ll need a lot more consistency across the whole team to do this. Until then, Geelong fans can sit back and enjoy a fun afternoon picking up four points against the Pies.

Adelaide v Richmond (AO) 4.40pm

It’s here. The moment of truth. Are Richmond the real deal or are they Richmond?

For many, the Tigers are staring down the barrel of a string of losses that will show they are purely the beneficiaries of an easy draw.

Could that be? Could the Tigers get their fans hopes up only to dash them on the rocks of reality?

I know it seems fanciful.

In many ways, the fact the Tigers got through five games they were expected to win without losing is the real miracle.

My view is they are OK. They are not at the level of the Giants or the Crows but they’ve certainly improved.

Are they a chance against the Crows? Oh no. Especially not at home. The Crows will smash them.

But if the Tigers do win, their supporters have every right to be beyond unbearable next week.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. My aim is to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more herehttps://titusoreily.com/support-titus



John 28 April 2017

Can North once again build up a significant lead and then squander it in a final quarter that should have the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme playing in the background? - Brilliant!

Giles 28 April 2017

Early start to the ski season is the ticket. Like natures call, the deafening sound of velcro bumper stickers coming off Range Rovers late Monday evening.

Giles 28 April 2017

Early start to the ski season is the ticket. Like natures call, the deafening sound of velcro bumper stickers coming off Range Rovers late Monday evening.

max 28 April 2017

titus has more excuses than oscar pistorius for his Dees, its just the same as playing against Sandilands each week. if only for a mid season draft Dees could get Ty Vickery in. cats continue with the easy draw, have played no one. once north are up by 6 goals back the suns, lions v power yawn, if tigers lets just move onto 2018.

Matt 28 April 2017

That's two weeks in a row you've used the wrong sort/sought Titus. I'd happily proofread your work for free (love your writing, not so much the grammar) before you post it each week. If you're interested you can contact me at toddma_27@hotmail.com.

Bruce 28 April 2017

Max has a ticket on his self. Wanting to proof read for Titus is like seeking to hold the brushes for Michelangelo (Rucci). I sort of see what he sought us to seek though. I think Titus in errorum is deliberate, just to see if any Other Dees S'porters are following him.

Michelle 28 April 2017

If the Tigers do actually beat the crows I think I'll just quit my life and become a hermit. What a nightmare scenario.

Michael 28 April 2017

Agreed, Michelle. It is too horrible to contemplate!

Michael 28 April 2017

Agreed, Michelle. It is too horrible to contemplate!

Michael 28 April 2017

Agreed, Michelle. It is too horrible to contemplate!

Margotdeepa 28 April 2017

Say that again, Matt.

Mick 28 April 2017

Yeah, I reckon you're safe, Michelle.

Reg 28 April 2017

I think this is your best one yet Titus. Absolutely brilliant. :-D

Blacky 28 April 2017

Best one yet, Titus!

Matthew 28 April 2017

Agreed, Michelle. It is too horrible to contemplate!

(In case anyone missed it)

Bloke from the outer 28 April 2017

As a tiges supporter I haven't been unbearable yet - we all leave that job to Mick Molloy. Actually, if they win this week I'll still keep a lid on it; too many years of pain to be erased by a short trip to the finals.

The Original Buzz 28 April 2017

http://www.dictionary.com/ - here is a link to help you with Sort and Sought.

Beav 28 April 2017

You only had to watch Lions games on TV. You could turn them off. We had to sit st the Gabba and watch them live.

TonyMcDermott'slaceupguernsey 28 April 2017

It's 2017 and I can't believe that the incriminating photos of Tony Cochrane, that Rodney Eade must have stashed in a safe deposit box, haven't been leaked online.

I don't understand his continued tenure.

I don't understand why anyone would choose to be vegan, but that's slightly less annoying. For now.

Yes, I had to search for details on who the Suns' Chairman is.

Sam Riley still looks ok for a retired swimmer.

"It’s not the worst idea I’ve heard but it’s a good effort" - made me laugh.

Kirsty 28 April 2017

I do love it when you drop Spinal Tap references . .

Clive Waterhouse's underpants 28 April 2017

Congrats to the first Aaron and tallest player to make 250 games in big Sandi. Like a good Indian takeaway I hope he gives the eagles some curry which leaves them needing a good dry cleaner the next day.

Mark 28 April 2017

A vintage guide Titus - well done

Margaret 28 April 2017

Margaret: I shall be very upset if Following your tips we become undone. Your mug has arrived, but it's usage may depend on your dependability!

Michelle 28 April 2017

In all honesty bloke from the outer, if your tigers do beat my crows then you should totally party like it's 1999. It would be the tigers luck for Trump to start WW3 the year the tigers miraculously come good. We have all gotta live in the moment right now.

Jamie Juggins 28 April 2017

Titus, were you eating chicken nuggets when you wrote this?

Derbylicious 28 April 2017

This Western Derby will be a feast...well they usually are for Chris Masten, just ask Nick Suban. West Coast were accused of having no bite this week so maybe its time for Masto to prove the doubters wrong again.

I'm not saying that standing in dead space and flapping your hands about like a traffic controller on an aircraft carrier during a typhoon demanding your team mates to farm you out cheap possies doesn't require grunt and hardness....wait...yes that is exactly what I'm ssying.

Is Chris Masten to the Eagles what Sid Vicious was to the Sex Pistols...a talentless bass player but popular with the fans because of his edgy trendy looks?

I wouldn't know about fashion trends, I still think chambre shirts and cream chino pants are the epitome of chic and cool, and if you want proof watch any Rick Astley clip...totally pulled it off.

Like all Eagles fans I've been following Masto since he was an up and coming junior working in the Eagles Shop, in fact since he was an ankle biter.

I think Masto has elevated his status in the game to the level of guns like Dane Swan, Dane Beams, Buddy Franklin, and Dustin Martin. Not because of his talent or attack on the footy, but due to his 'devil may care' fashion sense and inked limbs.

He is the poster boy of the old addage "if you can't be a footballer...look like one".

John Nicholls 28 April 2017

Collingwood not a hope this week. How about that Eddie McGuire, he's been so good for the Magpies. How long has he been in charge?

patricii 28 April 2017

Could Eddie McGuire and John Coates swap jobs in the next few weeks? Rather than complete demotion, dynastic exchange.

Miss Jane 28 April 2017

Your on fire this week, loved this ;)

Piquet 15 28 April 2017

Ohh please, unleash the crows fury on these tigers

Freo Frank 29 April 2017

Titus - as always - luv yor werk !
You had to love the Bulldogs banner on Friday night :
" At last, something to do in Canberra on a Friday night "
- they are fast developing a rep. for doing the best banners - non ?!

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