May 25, 2018


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Ten


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Ten.


Collingwood vs Western Bulldogs (ES) 7:50 PM

Marvel Stadium. This was always inevitable.

In a landscape of AFLX and Zooper goals, a stadium named after a comic universe is the least surprising thing that’s ever happened.

If there’s any major stadium that deserves less to be called a ‘Marvel’, it’s the Docklands stadium. No wait, ANZ Stadium, but then docklands.

One superpower I’d like the stadium to gain is the ability to transform into a stadium capable of hosting sporting events.

Personally, if there were a cinematic universe I’d like to see a stadium named after, it would be the Police Academy movies.

Venue aside, it’s great to see Friday Night Football is delivering us 10thtaking on 13th.

Who wouldn’t want to watch the Bulldogs again after their sparkling two-goal effort last week against a SANFL side?

They have named former number two draft pick Josh Schache, who left Brisbane so fast I can only assume he stole something.

Collingwood have won five of their past seven games, which is terrifying. If they win here, they are in danger of entering the eight.

Why is there not more panic about this? Have we become complacent expecting them to fail like in other years?

Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty, stay alert people.

Collingwood to win.


Richmond vs St Kilda (MCG) 1:45 PM

Like Maccas after a big night out, playing St Kilda following a loss to West Coast in Perth is just what the doctor ordered.

Especially when the Saints are playing with the confidence, I had in high school. Just kidding, anyone that reads this regularly knows there’s no way I went to high school with my grammar and spelling.

I would usually recommend getting very drunk to boost confidence, but that severely affects your decision making, so based on seeing them play, I assume the Saints have already tried that.

St Kilda does get back Paddy McCartin and Jake Carlisle, but they still have all their other players, unfortunately.

Can the Tigers bounce back? Of course, they can, it’s St Kilda.

Brisbane vs Sydney (G) 4:35 PM

Last week’s win by the Lions was more important than any of their premierships.

I don’t believe that of course, but I’ve learnt that if I ever want to get hired by the AFL media, I need to say inane things like that on a fairly regular basis.

Still, nice to see the Lions finally get on the board and to have it happen against Hawthorn.

It will mean no one will be complacent about them from now on and some people may go and watch them for the first time since the early 2000s.

They face a significant challenge in the Swans, who lost Callum Mills for the season this week with a broken foot.

Losing someone of Mills calibre is what we call a ‘sub-optimal outcome’.

Luckily for the Swans, they seem to have a secret cupboard of great new players they keep going to all the time.

It’s almost like their recruiting staff know what they’re doing, which is why the Victorian clubs get so angry with them.

Swans to win.

Geelong vs Carlton (GMHBA) 7:25 PM

Last week, both these sides turned in performances so disappointing that you have to go back to the release of Oasis’ Be Here Now to match them.

Geelong were shameful against Essendon, deciding it was all too hard faster than someone who said ‘I’d love to come’ at three in the afternoon, but now it’s nine pm, and they’re in their tracksuit pants on the couch.

As for Carlton, they let Melbourne wander the ball out of their defensive half, stroll forward like your parents going for a walk after dinner and then give off the ball to one of the 72 players open in the forward fifty.

If they both play with the same intensity this week, it may just be a bunch of blokes sitting in a big circle passing the ball around to each other like a game of pass the parcel.

The Blues do get back Charlie, and Ed Curnow and Jacob Weitering is in after being given a stint in the VFL, which was probably a higher standard than the Blues served up last week.

The Cats are at home, and I can’t see them turning in another performance like last week, but I couldn’t see them losing to Essendon. This is an unhelpful guide for a reason.

I’m tipping the Cats.

Greater Western Sydney vs Essendon (SS) 7:25 PM

Like an old school WWE tag team match, the Giants are floundering in the ring and desperately need to tag in the fresh man.

Luckily, they get one back this week in Josh Kelly. No pressure Josh, you just need to fix all the things.

If things couldn’t get worse for the Giants at the moment, the AFL want them to play a home game in China next year, even though it will be Port Adelaide’s.

Perhaps we should let them try to win over the Western Suburbs of Sydney first before sending them off to conquer the most populated country on Earth?

Just a thought, but I’m not as clever as those people running the AFL.

I couldn’t be angrier with Essendon. Are they trying to ruin our tips? They were meant to be good, turned out to be awful and then turned in last week’s ridiculously good performance.

What’s it going to be this week?

If they play like last week they could conceivably defeat the Giants, even up there but Essendon are currently as consistent as the AFL Tribunal.

I’m tipping the Giants


Hawthorn vs West Coast (ES) 1:10 PM

We all know the Eagles can’t win on the road. Oh, except they haven’t lost on the road this season.

How annoying. It’s much easier to just spin out lazy clichés, like ‘West Coast can’t win on the road’ or ‘never mix beer, wine and spirits’.

Of course, neither of these things are true; the Eagles can win on the road and mixing your drinks is a sure-fire way to hold the sadness aside, even if only briefly.

In fact, the Eagles are going for nine wins in a row here. I wouldn’t want to be a Dockers fan right now. Well, I’d never want to be a Dockers, but even more so at the moment.

Hawthorn just lost to Brisbane by a lot, and now they face the best team in all the land.

The Hawks of a few weeks ago could do well here, but on current form, it’s hard to tip Hawthorn.

Eagles to win.

Melbourne vs Adelaide (TP) 3:20 PM

With Melbourne on a roll, how good is it they’ve sold this home game to Alice Springs? That’s right; it’s not good at all.

Demons fans can take heart that Adelaide have a lot of injuries, while Crows fans can take heart that despite this, they’ve won four of their past five games.

Melbourne have had a month in the Sun, smashing some of the worst teams in the league, but now it’s back to reality, and we find out if they can match it against AFL teams.

A lot has been made of Jake Lever facing his old club, but a bit of the heat has gone out of that with Tex Walker not playing.

Tex was furious Jake left but was significantly less furious when Bryce Gibbs wanted to leave Carlton for Adelaide.

I understand it’s always more hurtful when someone leaves you than when someone says they want to be with you. At least, I assume that’s the case. I’ve never had anyone want to be with me, but on the plus side, that means no one has ever wanted to leave me. Swings and roundabouts.

I’m so lonely.

Anyway, I’m tipping Melbourne. If they can’t get this done, they’re never getting anything done.

Fremantle vs North Melbourne (PS) 4:40 PM

Watching Fremantle’s shambolic outing against the Swans last week hasn’t exactly filled me with enormous confidence in them.

This being in Perth means they should play a lot better, but they’ll need to as North have proven themselves to be a tricky opponent this year.

To start with, the Kangaroos have something the Dockers don’t, a forward line.

A forward line if a very handy thing to have considering the aim of the game is to kick a bigger score than your opponent.

My doubts about the Dockers are that North are a great defensive outfit. They’re giving up just 71 points a game which is the best in the league.

Fremantle dream of scoring 71 points.

It means it’s possible Fremantle don’t score at all this game.

North to win.

Byes – Gold Coast, Port Adelaide

I have two new dates to announce for my show A Thoroughly Unhelpful History of Australian Sport. Exciting!

The first is 7.00pm Wednesday 6 June The Comic’s Lounge in Melbourne.

The second is 8.00pm Thu 7 June Arkaba Hotel Adelaide.

The last ten shows at the Melbourne Comedy Festival sold out so get in early.

Tickets for both shows available

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. I aim to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here:


Tim Sennett

May 25, 2018

That's a classic review Titus. Laughing into my mug of flat white and amusing the other cafe patrons. Looking forward to your show here in Adelaide...and yes I'm a Crow's fan!


May 25, 2018

Tex was furious with Jake, and not so furious with Bryce. The hypocrisy of the bogan boys, you have to love it. Keep 'em honest Titus. Love your work.

Ken Cooper

May 25, 2018

Should I be worried Titus that I tipped the same as you this week? I mean, I know your guide is meant to be unhelpful but I shudder at how my thought processes align with yours this week. Maybe cos I am a long standing Dees fan too? Should we donate our brains to science to find out why?


May 25, 2018

Be Here Now was great Titus, you jerk off.


May 25, 2018

except Jake lever himself said it was completely overblown in the media, but thats no fun!


May 25, 2018

What the fuck is Liam Gallagher doing reading AHUG? Surely you have better things to do Bender, like fighting with Noel and the rest of the Brit press


May 25, 2018

@Skinnard how bout I glass ye!


May 25, 2018

Just kidding @Skinnard I love my fans. LG xo


May 25, 2018

Isn't GMHBA the date rape drug? I'm not saying it isn't on brand for the AFL but it is on the nose.
For all the players missing at the crows right now through injury or trade, Jake Lever might be the one we miss the least. Doedee has been an excellent fister since he walked into the team on the back of about 12 injured teammates.


May 25, 2018

Be Here Now has at least 5 good choons on it Titus!

The Word on the street

May 25, 2018

I heard that Geelong wanted the name Marvel Stadium because of all the superheroes they supposedly have there. They would have had it if the AFL had not found out and if they didn't have a 50 year lease on half the alphabet.


May 25, 2018

Ah ya fookin' wee spekky git Bender. Noel always said you were a c#&t!!


May 25, 2018

"I’ve never had anyone want to be with me, but on the plus side, that means no one has ever wanted to leave me."

That…is a ripper.


May 25, 2018

Considering the Giants past successes of attracting big crowds, why don't we have them play on the same day as game 7 in the NBA finals, in the same city as one of the competing teams? Their fixture writes itself


May 25, 2018

Love your work Titus. Hilarious as usual. “I’m so lonely.” Gold.

Jonah Earwig Turk

May 25, 2018

I can't agree with you Titus. It's always great to be a Dockers' supporter. You have low expectations, are never smug or boring and are always filled with a barely suppressed form of latent rage. When the Wet Toasters are defying a lack of a decent midfield, it just makes it worse...


May 25, 2018

Noel, they were all the same tune

Gaz doing FIFO

May 26, 2018

Good to see the Cats implementing a family friendly Week On Week Off roster for Ablett.

Poor Dockers

May 26, 2018

The only thing better than being a Dockers fan in Perth this week, is being a Dockers fan who works as a travel agent taking bookings for flights to Melbourne in late September.


May 26, 2018

@Woosh - " I wouldn’t want to be a Dockers fan right now. Well, I’d never want to be a Dockers, but even more so at the moment." Gold!

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