Apr 06, 2018


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Three


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Three.


Carlton vs Collingwood (MCG) 7:50 PM

The battle for 16th spot heats up as these longtime foes clash at the MCG in a match that is still more interesting than the Commonwealth Games.

Don’t get me wrong, belting Tonga in the lawn bowls is still great television.

It’s good to see two teams getting a prime-time slot based purely on the quality of football they play.

Both sets of fans will be approaching this with a sense of dread as a 0-3 start is not good unless you are the Sydney Swans.

Collingwood’s injury list is longer than Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and unlike a phoenix, I don’t see the Pies rising from the fire.

The Pies have had such bad luck with injury, why even Daniel Wells is injured at the moment.

If Brodie Grundy gets injured, we can pretty much stick a fork in Collingwood’s season because they will be done.

Carlton should get back Matthew Kreuzer but will want to improve on last week by not missing targets by several postcodes.

If the Blues can have their kicks go within five metres of a teammate, they will win.

That’s a big if but I think they can do it.


Port Adelaide vs Brisbane (AO) 1:45 PM

My mind is still adjusting to the fact Port Adelaide might be the real deal.

Let’s not get too carried away yet, but Power supporters would be pretty happy with how the season has started.

Everyone likes happy Power fans. It’s safer.

Tom Rockliff will face his old side and seems to be enjoying not having to get the entire team’s possessions every week. In fact, he’s enjoying it so much he barely had any last week.

Brisbane are much improved this season and probably should have beaten Melbourne last Saturday night.

It still feels weird seeing Luke Hodge in a Lions jumper though, like kissing your cousin, it feels weird no matter how much you try to get past it.

At least that’s what I’m told.

I’m tipping we see the phrase ‘gallant’ used a lot to describe Lions’ losses this year, which is a step up from ‘soul destroying’.

Port to win this.

Melbourne vs North Melbourne (MCG) 2:10 PM

North Melbourne have been pokies free for a decade and this week Melbourne announced they’d be joining them, making this the ‘War for the Moral High Ground’.

The Kangaroos and Demons may be willing to forgo the rivers of gold that are the pokies but not many other Victorian-based AFL clubs seem that keen to join them.

Hawthorn currently top the pokies ladder, making them the ‘Can’t Feed my Family” Club.

The AFL have taken a very strong stance on this issue over the years, by talking about it a bit, while also allowing it to happen.

Melbourne don’t really do ‘beating North Melbourne’, and Demon fans are all assuming the brace position as this game approaches.

North’s biggest problem is they played St Kilda last week, which means they were basically forced to play another sport. I’m not sure what sport it was, but it wasn’t Australian Rules.

It is a step up in class for the Roos, Melbourne will only not play for one quarter, not four like the Saints.

A detailed statistical analysis of these two teams show a slight trend in favour of North; they’ve won the last 17 games.

The last time the Demons beat North was in 2006.

That was the year Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. Unfortunately, not even Justin Timberlake can bring the Demons back.

I’m going to tip Melbourne for a laugh; surely you can’t lose to a team 17 times in a row? Can you? Please tell me you can’t! Please, I need this.

Gold Coast vs Fremantle (PS) 4:35 PM

This is a Suns home game, so naturally, it is being held in Perth.

Now, I’m the first to admit that I paid not enough attention in geography class, but I’m pretty confident Perth is some distance from the Gold Coast. It’s at least a few hours drive.

The Suns sold their home game, which makes sense if you don’t have any fans, why not sell it?

For a team that’s barely playing at home due to the Empire Games and is off to China for a home game later in the year, why wouldn’t you want a trip to Perth?

Travelling a lot is always good for sporting teams.

Stuart Dew must be wondering when the Suns are going to start being run like a proper AFL club at some point.

For Fremantle, I imagine they’d be happy to play all their away games at home, but they’re not Collingwood.

The Dockers had a good win against the Bombers last week, but Tom Lynch would be worrying them a bit given his eight goals last week,

It’s important to remember though that they came against Carlton.

Fremantle to win this.

Sydney vs Greater Western Sydney (SCG) 7:25 PM

Sydney will come to a standstill.

Not because of this game, but due to years of poor urban planning and investment in infrastructure.

Giants fans heading to the SCG will add one extra Tarago to the roads though.

This has to be arguably match of the round, with both these sides likely to feature in September.

Last week, the Swans lost at home to Port Adelaide, which was not ideal, but the Giants struggled against Collingwood, which is a worrying sign.

The Giants are known for having a lot of talent, but for much of the game against the Pies, it was hard to spot it.

Still, despite not playing their best, they’re 2-0, and a win here would make them the ones to catch.

I’m not sure what to make of the Swans performance last week, they seemed not to be switched on, and it’s always hard to match Port, now that Jack Watts has brought that hard edge to the Power.

I’m tipping the Giants.

St Kilda vs Adelaide (ES) 7:25 PM

Nick Riewoldt said this week that it’s too early to panic about the Saints, but I tend to think it’s too late to panic.

Panic early and often, that’s my motto.

In fact, low-level panic is the soundtrack to my life.

It is sad that St Kilda’s season is over in round two, but these things happen sometimes.

A few Saints fans have said to me, ‘Surely we can’t play that badly every week?’

You’d hope that would be true, but I’m worried their players may see it as a challenge.

Adelaide took care of Richmond last week, so this should be no problem.

The only danger is the Saints find some of the pride that was so lacking last week and play like they actually want to be in the AFL.

Adelaide have beaten St Kilda the last seven times they’ve played, and if St Kilda dish up what they served last week, it will be eight in a row. I’m tipping the Crows.


Richmond vs Hawthorn (MCG) 1:10 PM

The Tigers premiership defense is in tatters, as they now sit at 1-1. Obviously, time to play the kids and start studying the draft.

That Crows supporter pointed out to Damien Hardwick last week that the Tigers can’t play at the MCG every week, but they can play there a lot, and the Grand Final is conveniently played there.

I’m not sure why Hardwick got so angry, it seemed less a sledge and more just a statement of fact.

Perhaps Hawks fans could this week yell out things like ‘gravity is not a force, but a consequence of the curvature of space-time caused by the uneven distribution of mass.”

It should drive Hardwick crazy.

The Hawks played a classic last week but have a much shorter break than the Tigers.

The Hawks are worth watching just to see the obscene amount of possessions Tom Mitchell will get.

He is currently averaging 47 disposals a game, making him Steve Smith’s obvious replacement.

Tigers to win.

Western Bulldogs vs Essendon (ES) 3:20 PM

It’s been a difficult start to the year for Bulldogs fans, a group who have been used to success all their lives.

What’s gone wrong for the Bulldogs since their Premiership? Well, that’s easy, everything.

They don’t even seem a shell of their former selves. Not since Macaulay Culkin has something spiralled out of control so quickly.

This game will be notable due to Jake ‘Not the Full Package” Stringer facing his old side.

Stringer hasn’t exactly been the recruit of the year yet, but to our knowledge, he hasn’t done anything to make all his new teammates hate him, so baby steps.

Essendon are returning from Perth and will be looking forward to being able to have this light training drill and rest up.

Bombers to win.

West Coast vs Geelong (PS) 4:40 PM

The Eagles couldn’t believe their luck last week. They prepared to play the Western Bulldogs at home, but a substitution teacher showed up instead, and they had no idea what they were doing.

This week though the Cats are in town and they do know what they’re doing.

The Eagles found some gold with Liam Ryan and who doesn’t like a person with a surname that can also be a first name?

My favourite player ever with an interchangeable surname/first name combo is, of course, Robert DiPierdomenico.

Depending on the scenario, the Cats could have been 2-0 right now or 0-2, so 1-1 is probably a reasonable return.

It’s hard to shake off the idea that while the Cats have three superstars, they are about as deep as David Warner.

Still, they should have the midfield firepower against the Eagles here.

Titus will be performing at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and the Sydney Comedy Festival.

Tickets Here: https://www.frontiercomedy.com/titusoreily

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. I aim to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus



Apr 06, 2018

Can something actually be “highly” unhelpful? If something is helpful then there can be varying degrees of helpfulness. If something is unhelpful there is no “highly” or otherwise. It’s just unhelpful. For example, this comment is unhelpful. In any case you must change the title immediately.

Angel Swan

Apr 06, 2018

What’s gone wrong for the Bulldogs since their Premiership? Well, that’s easy, everything.
LOL so funny, Ive been saying since they "won" their Premiership (with the help of Maggots & Gillon) that they are Pretenders - I think its a little more obvious now...

The Captain

Apr 06, 2018

Some fine work there, Titus:
"Giants fans heading to the SCG will add one extra Tarago to the roads though." and
"I’m not sure why Hardwick got so angry, it seemed less a sledge and more just a statement of fact.

Perhaps Hawks fans could this week yell out things like ‘gravity is not a force, but a consequence of the curvature of space-time caused by the uneven distribution of mass.”

It should drive Hardwick crazy."


Apr 06, 2018

GS, I'm not buying your superlative argument here, if quite helpful and relatively helpful and not particularly helpful are OK then highly unhelpful works! I also thought this was highly funny, especially the 'gravity' bit. Go Titus!!

Bloke from the outer

Apr 06, 2018

...one extra Tarago... Surely the three Giants fans taking part in your twitter war can fit into Fiat 500.

Jonah Earwig Turk

Apr 06, 2018

Love it Titus! The bit about Sydney coming to a standstill, not due to footy, but rather due to years of poor infrastructure and transport policy...comedy gold!

Bloke from the outer

Apr 06, 2018

I think they have 8 players from their grand final team playing this week. What only losing 14 players in a little over a year is nothing to worry about.

Oh, and the Swans are slow and pretenders.

Home Alone

Apr 06, 2018

The Bulldogs = Macaulay Culkin. Great analogy


Apr 06, 2018

I have it on good authority, what the Crows supporter actually shouted at Damien Hardwick .
-"Beer is $9.40 a cup and Pies are $5.70!!"
Hardwick then churlishly replied-"I'm not a Catering manager, I'm the Richmond coach!"
"I'm just saying it's pretty pricey" said the supporter, before match officials moved in to separate the two men.


Apr 06, 2018

stick a fork in them , there done , if the Roos beat the Dees , I'll take a walk on the wild side


Apr 06, 2018

If you asked someone or directions and they told you left instead of right that would be unhelpful.
If they told you you were currently not where you are that black is white and Carlton have a moral core and they didn’t know what directions are this is clearly even less helpful as not only would they be wrong but also confusing. - Highly unhelpful.


Apr 06, 2018

As a Sydneysider I smile with bemusement at your “Standstill” commentary. Not sure if Gladys reads you, Titus, but she would bristle. At least the game is at the SCG and not the Olympic Stadium, which should be bulldozed and replaced with public housing. Absolute sh1thole.


Apr 06, 2018

The Tom Mitchell as Steve Smith's replacement bit along with the Robert DiPierdomenico line:
5 stars

Lawn Bowler from Tonga

Apr 06, 2018

"Don’t get me wrong, belting Tonga in the lawn bowls is still great television"- outstanding.

John Nicholls

Apr 06, 2018

Nothing wrong with lawn bowls, take it from me.


Apr 06, 2018

Gold Coast vs Fremantle (PS) 4:35 PM - Back at Paterson Stadium already??

No team beats Melbourne 18 times in a row

Apr 06, 2018

"no-one beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row" was one of the great quotes in tennis, when Vitas finally beat Jimmy Connors. Hopefully Simon Goodwin can have an opportunity to go one better with a quote on Saturday - then again..........

Great stuff Titus - not sure about Hardwick's grasp of space time - I suspect he is still wrestling with quantum entanglement.


Apr 06, 2018

Ohmydog Titus. After a cr*p week at work, always so fantastic to come home & read your tips. You had me at the Tarago reference and by the gravity pun, I'd completely forgotten that nasty business that is working for a living. Thanks so much.


Apr 06, 2018

I think the management of the new arena in Perth have missed an opportunity. In replacing the WACA, they should have sought a more imaginative name than just the generic Optus Stadium or Perth Stadium. My suggestion would to give the ground a more grand sounding name, and I am thinking along the lines of Perth International Sports Stadium, which abbreviates nicely into a generic Australian name for a popular national beverage. The media box there could be renamed the PISS Office, which also abbreviates nicely.
The papers could do similar. It might offer some great headlines, eg when Collingwood next thrashes the Eagles or Dockers, the headline could read "Magpies dominate on the PISS". Other possibilities "Preliminary Final to be played on the PISS", "Fourth Test on the PISS" and so on.
Elsewhere in the ground there could be the Perth International Sports Stadium Events Department Office, once again a suitable acronym for the effect of the work of these people, providing 300 decibel noise during the breaks, on their clients.

Red and White Greg.

Apr 06, 2018

Forget about the Empire Games-"as deep as David Warner"is GOLD,GOLD,GOLD.


Apr 06, 2018

Thanks Burt, at least someone's talking sense.


Apr 20, 2018

No. All of those examples are equally unhelpful in that correct directions are not given. Some of them are unhelpful and confusing and or misleading. Those are separate things. I stand by my original comment.


Apr 20, 2018

Burt is wrong, and by association so are you George.


Apr 20, 2018

You are wrong Nick. I completely stand by my comments.

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