Aug 03, 2018


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Twenty


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Twenty.


Richmond vs Geelong (MCG) 7:50 PM

It’s been more than a year since Richmond lost on the MCG. It’s been arguably the greatest year in a Tigers fan’s life.

Sure, there’s probably years when they had children or got married, but these are not as life-changing as a drought-breaking premiership victory.

So dominant are Richmond at the MCG that people are now complaining about the advantage they get. These complaints only make Tigers supporters happier.

To have the rest of the competition complain about you is one of the dreams of all supporters.

It used to happen to Hawthorn and Sydney. No one complains about terrible teams.

No one complains about the Suns for example.

Geelong are hanging on to the eight, and therefore this game is really unhelpful. It probably won’t be long until the AFL offers the ability for teams to buy their way out of hard games. Actually, I don’t want to give the AFL any ideas.

The Cats have to face the Tigers without Tom Stewart. Chris Scott told the media this week that he might ask Joel Selwood to duck down back to cover his absence.

I’m tipping the Tigers.


Hawthorn vs Essendon (MCG) 1:45 PM

Hawthorn and Essendon’s is a rivalry so big, it’s right up there with angry weirdos vs the ban on plastic bag.

It’s not that hard to deal with no plastic bags. Just tell your butler when they’re doing the shopping to take some of the bags in the east wing. Problem solved.

Imagine if you had time in the day to get angry about plastic bags?

Both of these teams are in the fight for the eight, with Essendon suddenly one of the form teams of the competition.

The Bombers have won eight of the past ten games, and people seem to have stopped suggesting that John Worsfold’s contract extension was a massive mistake.

I’m starting to think it was. Not for Essendon but for the rest of us.

Bombers fans were bad enough when they’re club was tearing itself apart, imagine them being really good again. It would make our current overlords, the Richmond fans, seem benign.

Hawthorn needs to win this, and while they travelled to Perth last week, they didn’t have to play a game.

This is a hard one to pick. The Hawks loss to the Lions still remains in my mind; I’m tipping the Bombers.

Brisbane vs North Melbourne (G) 2:10 PM

Some bad news for North this week, with Shaun Higgins having surgery on his knee.

It was described as "very minor" surgery by the Kangaroos. Personally, I think no surgery is ‘minor’.

But then if I have a mild cold, I want everyone to know about it and to behave like it’s a crisis the likes of which we rarely see.

Therefore, no surgery would be described by me as ‘very minor’ but rather ‘a catastrophic event previously unseen in human history’.

It’s a big loss for North as travelling to the Gabba is no longer just a formality required to collect your four points.

Now you have to come ready to play and try and all that difficult stuff like running.

The last time North played them they didn’t have to do any of that stuff. Typical, right when you need an easy win to stay in finals contention, the Lions go and get all not awful on you.

I’m tipping North.

Adelaide vs Port Adelaide (AO) 4:35 PM

The last Showdown was one of the most exciting games of recent years, so naturally, it’s again in a twilight slot and only on pay TV.

It’s all part of the AFL’s attempts to make the best games as inaccessible as humanly possible.

I can’t wait until the Grand Final is at night and on pay-per-view.

The Crows pretty much lost their chance to play finals last week, so ruining Port’s season is all they’ve got to look forward to.

The media spent the week questioning whether Tex Walker should step down as captain and be replaced by Rory Sloane.

Remember when the media wanted Trent Cotchin to stand down? Now they say he’s one of the greatest captains ever.

Sometimes I think they just say ridiculous things to fill column inches. I would never do that.

We should get rid of at least seven clubs in the AFL and have new teams in Broome, Antarctica and the Sahara Desert.

Goals should be worth thirty points and behind twenty to increase scoring.

Port Adelaide will just be happy to be playing a twilight that won’t finish in darkness.

Power to win.

St Kilda vs Western Bulldogs (ES) 7:25 PM

I guess some people would want to watch this. Probably not footy fans, maybe relatives of the players?

There’s probably some reason to watch this. Maybe the remotes on the other side of the living room and you’re super sleepy and getting up is just too big a hassle.

Saints fans have a reason; they will be excited that Nathan Freeman will make his AFL debut. They’d begun to think he was just a myth.

I can’t think of any reasons for the Bulldogs fans to watch this. They’d be better off popping in the replay of the 2016 Grand Final and pretending nothing had ever happened since. Well, for them it kind of hasn’t.

Saints to win.

Sydney vs Collingwood (SCG) 7:25 PM

Sydney finally welcome back Alex Johnson for his first game since the 2012 Grand Final.

Since then, he’s had 12 knee operations including five reconstructions. Perhaps there is such a thing as minor surgery after all when compared to this.

What makes someone go through all of this. As a path of least resistance type of guy, this is amazing to me. Just to make it back is a huge achievement.

Collingwood fans are looking at this going, great; we have to play the out of form Swans just as they get back a player that will provide huge inspiration.

The Swans have been in free fall, losing four of their past five games. Scoring seems to be a big problem for them. They should have never traded Jesse White.

They haven’t been good at home either, so the Pies are a real chance here.

The Pies are trying to achieve an unheard of double in the AFL, finish in the top four and injure every single one of their players.

Both are still on track. In previous years, the Pies have blamed injuries for their poor seasons. This season obviously proves they were just no trying hard enough.

I think Sydney will win this.


Carlton vs Greater Western Sydney (ES) 1:10 PM

The Giants have been big supporters of the charity known as the Carlton Football Club, often dropping off things they don’t need to them over the years to help them get by.

It’s nice to see, the successful clubs should always support the minnows of the competition.

The Blues are on fire and less like a dumpster this week because they won a game of football!

Carlton now are eyeing off two in a row but this time they’re taking on the expansion team that didn’t waste the once in a lifetime opportunity handed to it.

The Giants will be welcoming back Jeremy Cameron, so wear a helmet, Carlton players.

Giants to win.

Melbourne vs Gold Coast (MCG) 3:20 PM

Tom Lynch has officially told the Suns he is leaving to join an AFL club.

That loss to Carlton was probably the moment he put any lingering doubts about whether he was doing the right thing aside.

Apparently, when Lynch informed the players, he was leaving they all gathered around him in a big hug, then refused to let go, begging him to take them with him.

One of the clubs he is rumoured to be joining is Richmond. That would be great.

Finally, some luck for the old Tigers.

Another rumoured club is Collingwood.

That would be some change. Going from a club, most people are barely aware of, to the most hated club in the land.

He does currently have a serious injury, so he’d certainly fit in with the team culture at Collingwood.

The last potential destination is Hawthorn. Secretly, we’d all like to see Hawthorn get some help getting out of the dark era they’ve been trapped in forever.

Melbourne simply have to beat the Suns, if they can’t, you have to wonder if they even deserve to play finals.

If they can’t beat the Suns on the MCG, they won’t be able to beat, well, anyone on the MCG.

Dees fans won’t be able to handle another close one after the last two weeks, which has shaved a few weeks off their lives.

After this, Melbourne have Sydney, West Coast and Greater Western Sydney, so a loss here would put them in danger of missing the finals.

Like that could ever happen.

West Coast vs Fremantle (OS) 4:40 PM

After the Dockers threw their toys out of the cot last year, this game will see a ceremony presenting retrospective Ross Glendinning Medals, and after the match, the Glendinning-Allan Medal will be awarded for the first time.

How exciting!

It brings to an end an issue that almost resulted in civil war in Western Australia. I haven’t seen a nothing issue blown this out of proportion since, well, congestions, plastic bags, Bernie Vince smiling and North Korea.

The Eagles may be coming off a terrible game last week, but this is Fremantle and West Coast should be able to creep over sixty points.

They did struggle to do that last week scoring just 41 points against North, but that was without Josh Kennedy.

Fremantle though could certainly limbo under 41 points, and I have full confidence in them.

Eagles to win.

They are his traditional bye round tour wrapping up the 2018 season and previewing the finals.

The dates are:

4 August- Hobart

27 August- Canberra

29 August- Perth

31 August- Sydney

1 September- Melbourne

2 September- Adelaide

5 September- Brisbane

Ticket available here:

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Aug 03, 2018

"...he might ask Joel Selwood to duck down back to cover..." Snigger. :)

John from Birre

Aug 03, 2018

Best column of the year so far. Even my humorless other half had a laugh and she's a Richmond fan (and member of 30 years).

Bloke from the Outer

Aug 03, 2018

Who has a bigger economy - Albania or North Korea?

Better watch out for those Albanians (particularly if you have an Alsatian).


Aug 03, 2018

They say that the Golden State Warrior are ruining basketball. Do you think they are consulting to the AFL?

Person from 2010

Aug 03, 2018

I am very much looking forward to the Bulldogs vs Saints this weekend. With such two fiercely competitive teams. what more could you want from a contest? Did you see that preliminary final between them last year? Absolute cracker. They'll meet again in the finals for sure.

...Wait, what year is it?


Aug 03, 2018

LOL. And I really mean that. I’m at the hairdresser and laughed out loud which really caused a stir amongst the highlights set. Particularly loved the Collingwood-Sydney lines, you’re one of the few Victorians who even knows Sydney has a team.


Aug 03, 2018

Whilst Hawthorn had to travel to Perth last week, they didn’t have to play a game. Love it!

Bloke from the Outer

Aug 03, 2018

Gotta love this on the AFL Official website:

Gaz and now Tom as captains can't wait to flee the joint the moment they're able to, and Steve won't commit ...

we don't hold it against them. But we do, as we have since Demetriou hastily committed to establishing this club back in the late 2000s, wonder if the AFL really and properly thought the whole thing through.

I wonder if Vlad will give em a ring and have a bitch?

Neil Wedd

Aug 04, 2018

Obviously Joel read the article.


Aug 07, 2018

List with Naked Womens from your City has been posted heree on : bit.Ly/CityWomens

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