Aug 10, 2018


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Twenty One


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Twenty One.


Essendon vs St Kilda (ES) 7:50 PM

The Bombers loss to Hawthorn last week means finals are now just a ‘mathematical chance’.

We all know what that means.

I love the term ‘mathematical chance’, why just yesterday I used it in a non-footy scenario, when I said, ‘I guess what I’m saying is that I have only a mathematical chance of finding happiness in this life’.

The shop assistant looked at me for a second before gesturing to the line that was building up behind me and politely asked if I had any intention of purchasing something or was I finished with the blow by blow account of all the mistakes I’d made in my life.

With the benefit of hindsight, St Kilda didn’t even have a mathematical chance of making the finals this season before it started, we all just thought they did.

Last week, they managed to fade out to the Western Bulldogs, the surest sign a team is tanking.

Jake Carlisle will face his old side here, he must be thrilled he jumped ship from the basket case that was Essendon to the basket case that is St Kilda.

Essendon to win.


Hawthorn vs Geelong (MCG) 1:45 PM

To think that technically, Carlton and Hawthorn are both in a ‘rebuilding phase’. Yet here are the Hawks, sitting fifth on the ladder.

In fairness, rebuilding Hawthorn is like rebuilding a mansion whose maintenance staff had a week off, when rebuilding Carlton is like rebuilding Chernobyl. The decontamination alone takes decades.

Geelong’s loss to Richmond last week means they are now in ninth place and another loss here could see them miss the finals altogether.

Gary Ablett’s miss in the dying stages could prove costly. If he didn’t want to play finals he could have just stayed at the Suns.

The Cats effort though showed they should be able to match it with anyone, but they don’t seem to be able to produce that regularly. Like these columns, the difference between their best and their worst is huge.

Tipping this one is a nightmare, but I’m going with the Hawks who are in good form at the moment.

Gold Coast vs Richmond (MS) 2:10 PM

The Richmond Football Club will be holding an open training session at Metricon Stadium this Saturday at 2.10 PM.

All welcome, food and drinks available for purchase. A great day out for families.

Port Adelaide vs West Coast (AO) 4:35 PM

It’s been a busy week for the Eagles. There’s been playing games of phantom games of golf and trying to portray Andrew Gaff as a victim, while not appearing to try and portray him as a victim.

The Eagles pulled out all the stops to help Gaff, even using a character witness the former Carey Grammar school principal Phil De Young, who was principal when Gaff was a student there.

There’s no greater power play in Melbourne than mentioning the private school you went to. Melburnians love an old school tie.

It’s the first question they ask you when they meet you. If you don’t say a major private school they give you a look like you’re a poor street urchin, even if you’ve gone on to have an incredibly successful and fulfilling life.

Calling a private school principal in Melbourne is like calling a cardinal to a witch trial.

It would usually get you an apology and immediate release.

Unfortunately for Gaff, even such a powerful advocate couldn’t stop him being rubbed out for the season.

Who knows how the Eagles will respond. They could have an ‘us against them’ mentality the spurs them on, or they could be distracted from football altogether.

Port had their own controversy last week, losing the Showdown after a Crows’ goal was reviewed for an entire 23 seconds and the grainy footage revealed that there was perhaps a ball and goalpost in the frame, but it was hard to tell.

A lot of people accused the Power of being serial whingers after the game, causing a lot of Power fans to whinge about this accusation.

I’m tipping the Power here.

Collingwood vs Brisbane (ES) 7:25 PM

The Pies have now lost three of their last five games and almost all their players.

How Worksafe haven’t declared them an unsafe workplace is beyond me.

Now they face the Lions who are coming off a disappointing loss last week where Cam Rayner missed a shot with thirty seconds to go that could have secured the win.

The Lions may be 16th on the ladder but don’t be fooled, they play more like a team that’s 13thon the ladder.

The last time these two met was a great game, with both sides not bothering to defend and the Pies winning by just seven points.

I’m tipping the Lions in an upset.

Greater Western Sydney vs Adelaide (UNSW) 7:25 PM

The Crows victory in the Showdown has cruelly kept their finals chances alive. It now falls to the Giants to show some mercy and end the false hope last week’s victory provided.

It’s been a horrible year for the Crows and worst of all, a lot of it seems to have been self-inflicted.

There was their divisive pre-season camp, then their denials that the pre-season camp was divisive, then admitting their pre-season camp was divisive and who can forget their ‘let’s injure everyone’ fitness regime.

An end to the year may be just what the unqualified ‘mind strengthening coach’ ordered.

The Giants have had their own problems with injuries, even thrashing the Blues last week with just 16 men on the field for large parts of the game.

You couldn’t get away with that against an AFL team, but it was still mightily impressive.

Giants to win this.


North Melbourne vs Western Bulldogs (ES) 1:10 PM

The Bulldogs messed up their tanking last week with a come from behind victory against the Saints. In the end, St Kilda just wanted the loss more.

It came down to self-respect, the Saints don’t have any, so they felt they had nothing to lose when they stopped playing altogether after quarter time. It turned out the Bulldogs do have some self-respect and they should at least try for a half against the Kangaroos.

North have to win all three of their remaining games to make the finals. They have this game, then they’ve got Adelaide in Adelaide and then they play St Kilda.

So, they just have to play well against the Crows and they should be in.

Knowing they have to win this of course makes Kangaroos fans terrified but I’ve seen the Dogs play live a lot this year and North will be fine.

Melbourne vs Sydney (MCG) 3:20 PM

The Demons haven’t beaten any side currently in the top eight this year and they have lost to the ninth place Geelong twice this season.

It’s not an ideal track record ahead of finals, especially when their next three games are against top eight competition.

This record has a lot of people accusing the Demons of being flat track bullies. While I understand this is meant to be an insult, in the recent dark past, I dreamt of Melbourne being flat track bullies.

It’s a lot better than previously when we were a track so flat we could have been the pitch in the Boxing Day Test.

Sydney had a miraculous win last week but their form of late has not been confidence inspiring.

Was last week a return to form or a Collingwood side running out of puff?

Quite simply, the Dees can go a long way to clinching a finals berth if they win here, their first since 2006 (not a typo).

I think they can do it, but I am deluded.

Fremantle vs Carlton (OS) 4:40 PM

While that’s the end of my preview of the AFL round, I thought I should mention that for some reason the Dockers are going to play the Blues on Sunday afternoon.

No word yet if the Dockers plan to field a full side.

Someone might want to watch this game. Maybe the lost a bet or they’ve got to for work.

Either way, I’ll be watching it wearing welding glasses and main lining whiskey into my veins.

I don’t want to be too harsh, but this is a crime against football and the loser should have to leave the AFL forever.

Dockers to score more points than Carlton, let’s not call it a win.

Titus has a new live show ‘Manifestly Inadequate’.

They are his traditional bye round tour wrapping up the 2018 season and previewing the finals.

The dates are:

4 August- Hobart

27 August- Canberra

29 August- Perth

31 August- Sydney

1 September- Melbourne

2 September- Adelaide

5 September- Brisbane

Ticket available here:

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. I aim to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here:



Aug 10, 2018

'The Richmond Football Club will be holding an open training session at Metricon Stadium this Saturday at 2.10 PM.'
Like shooting fish in a barrel Titus but we all love a soft target

Auntie Lager

Aug 10, 2018

Gold Coast vs Richmond
Minimum words - Maximum belly laugh


Aug 10, 2018

Eagles are 6 from 8 at Adelaide Oval. All 4 times the Eagles have played Power there, Port have been favourites, yet Eagles have won.... even with Gaff-gate it's not looking good for Port....

Anthony Smith

Aug 10, 2018

World first

The Gold Coast sentence -
Reading down the spine from full-back....

Kolodjashnij May Swallow Young Leslie.

Adelaide's Favourite Goal Post

Aug 10, 2018

This training session you speak of - it's not within the boundaries of Victoria, (or Tigerland, as it has been renamed) so there's a possibility the Suns have a chance!! Not necessarily a good chance, or a fighting chance, or even Buckley's chance, but a chance nonetheless.


Aug 10, 2018

one of your best Round Previews I've read Titus - every preview a cracker. this is one of my favourite lines (among several) - "Calling a private school principal in Melbourne is like calling a cardinal to a witch trial." Must be a cultural difference thing there - I'd like to think you'd still be mocked for doing that in Sydney. and if a Rugby League player did that, his time on the sidelines would automatically be doubled!

Kafka’s Ghost

Aug 10, 2018

Freo v. Carlton a crime against football? To anyone who has to watch it, it’s clearly a crime against humanity.
Great preview Titus, indeed, a great column.


Aug 10, 2018

You've outshone yourself, so many gems I thought you were Aladdin.

Don't make me laugh like that fgs, trying full on laughs while cramped is like being kicked in the guts.

Bloke from the Outer

Aug 10, 2018

WILKO - private school and rugby league cannot be used in the same sentence. It's grammatically incorrect.

Bloke from the Outer

Aug 10, 2018

Great week Titus - must have been the Polish beer.

G Whizz

Aug 10, 2018

How could you forget the Jim Stynes game in 2010 when Melbourne pumped the Swans by 73 points at the G.

Tiger Tails

Aug 10, 2018

The salty Crow


Aug 10, 2018

The Chernobyl reference. Wins it for me this week in a week of gems.

John Nicholls

Aug 10, 2018

I don't get it.

John Nicholls

Aug 10, 2018

Yes, a classic preview. Seems to me Titus peaks like a good footy side, at the pointy end of the season. A shame he gets to being really good, then shuts up for half a year.


Aug 10, 2018

"Jake Carlisle will face his old side here, he must be thrilled he jumped ship from the basket case that was Essendon to the basket case that is St Kilda."

Well......apparently during a scratch match at training this week, after Carlisle was benched he was heard shouting, "This club is fucked!"........

The Captain

Aug 10, 2018

"A lot of people accused the Power of being serial whingers after the game, causing a lot of Power fans to whinge about this accusation."

The chorus led by Kenny himself. I'm led to believe that the club has submitted "the Power taking a Crows player's word for anything" into the Macquarie Dictionary's list of definitions for 'Cognitive Dissonance'.

Marcus Holt

Aug 10, 2018

Bravo Titus!


Aug 10, 2018

I think you're after a mathematical chance


Aug 10, 2018

So much salt, so little vinegar or chips to go with it in old Adelaide town


Aug 10, 2018

So much salt, so little vinegar or chips to go with it in old Adelaide town


Aug 10, 2018

The real surprise it that it took 21 rounds for him to reach that conclusion.


Aug 10, 2018

Of all the columns I've ever read, that was one of them.


Aug 11, 2018

This is the best one this year. Keep it up titus!

terry of brisbane

Aug 11, 2018

Given your tipping history you are really CRUEL to Brisbane fans

Gideon not Haigh

Aug 11, 2018

I agree re Chernobyl reference. Until I got to "How Worksafe haven’t declared them (Collingwood) an unsafe workplace is beyond me." Even better!

Mr Smith

Aug 12, 2018

"rebuilding Carlton is like rebuilding Chernobyl. The decontamination alone takes decades."

Thank gawd for the Blues. They're the crutch we can all lean on. "Well, at least we're not Carlton." Except if you're Carlton though.

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