Aug 17, 2018


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Twenty Two


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Twenty Two.


Richmond vs Essendon (MCG) 7:50 PM

Bachar Houli and Adam Saad are going to toss the coin together with their captains ahead of this game in a show of unity and as a protest against Senator Fraser Anning's maiden speech.

Isn’t it exciting when our football players show more moral leadership than our Senate?

That said, randomly selected group of kindergarten children could show more maturity than our Senate and would make less of a mess.

Richmond are currently travelling so well they’re just managing niggling injuries and getting ready for a finals run.

Despite having last week off, the Tigers will rest a bunch of players with niggling injuries with Trent Cotchin, Dion Prestia, David Astbury and Kane Lambert all not playing.

Remember when a Richmond finals run was met with terror from their own fans?

Now Tigers fans worry about whether they’ll be able to get Grand Finals tickets and traders on Punt Road worry about their insurance policies will cover damage from celebrations.

Essendon are technically still capable of playing finals, but everything needs to go right for them, like Melbourne and Port Adelaide losing their last two games. They will also need some unlikely things to happen too.

One is to beat Richmond on the MCG which is quite hard to do, on the scale of difficult things, only walking pass a Souvlaki shop while drunk without going in is ahead of it.

I’m tipping Richmond.


Collingwood vs Port Adelaide (MCG) 1:45 PM

Charlie Dixon is out injured which means the Power will rely on Jack Watts to get them into the finals.

With September now free for Power fans, I suggest they get together with Melbourne fans for the biggest drowning of sorrows in the history of time.

The difficulty in tipping this is that Paddy Ryder is named but may not play. Without Ryder, Port have about as much chance of winning this as I have of watching The Bachelor.

“But The Bachelor has a rugby player in it this season!”


“The Honey Badger.”

“Oh, the guy that talks like he swallowed a book of annoying Australian idioms?”

“Yes! Will you watch it?”

“No. If I wanted to be in physical pain while watching TV I’d just watch The Footy Show.”

Collingwood fans look at Port’s injury list and wish theirs was so good. The Magpies medical staff after all have managed to stretch Jeremy Howe’s corked thigh into an almost a season ending injury.

The Pies should have the edge here and if Ryder is out it’s close to a sure thing.

Geelong vs Fremantle (GMHBA) 2:10 PM

Nat Fyfe returns and for his trouble he has to go to Geelong.

“You ready to play Nat?”

“Might need another week boss.”

“Well you can’t, we’ve got nothing on the line and I’m willing to risk you despite your history of significant injuries in recent years.”

Geelong need to win their last two games to make finals and look at that, they’ve got Fremantle and Gold Coast.

They should be able to do that and finish the season with a percentage over a million.

The Cats real problems start when they make finals. They’re like a young bloke desperate to get into the hottest nightclub in town, only to realise once they’re in there that everyone is out of their league.

Can Fremantle win this in Geelong? Not in real life.

Greater Western Sydney vs Sydney (SS) 4:35 PM

Nothing excites Sydneysiders more than a clash between the Swans and that new team they’ve vaguely heard about.

The Swans had the benefit last week of a Demons side that made kicking a goal from 20 meters out, dead in front, a seemingly impossible task.

Sydney certainly need to go up a notch on last week’s performance if they’re to beat the Giants who have won five games in a row.

Helping the Swans is the Giants have got another bad case of the injuries.

They thought they’d got over them but like Kyle Sandilands’ TV career, they keep coming back for no apparent reason.

Heath Shaw, Josh Kelly and Sam Reid will all be missing for the Giants making this a hard one to pick. Without Heath Shaw, who will yell at their teammates?

I’m tipping the Giants but this should be close.

Gold Coast vs Brisbane (MS) 7:25 PM

The QClash is always worth not watching

This time though, Brisbane defender Nick Robertson decided to try and make it interesting by saying of the Suns:

"I reckon they're soft to be completely honest so I'm looking forward to getting into them.”

His coach wasn’t so thrilled that Robertson so publicly told the truth. I imagine the reaction ion the Suns dressing room went like this:

“Nick Robertson called us soft!”

“That’s outrageous! He’s seen right through us. We might as well not show up.”

“I think we’re contractually obligated to.”

Robertson said it was the rivalry that got him stirred up as both teams thought they were the top team in Queensland.

Being the best AFL team in Queensland is like being the best singer in S Club Seven.

If you merged both these teams we’d almost have an AFL team in Queensland.

Brisbane to win this.

St Kilda vs Hawthorn (ES) 7:25 PM

Hawthorn announced this week that they will no longer be producing horrible away jumpers. It’s a sad day for terrible graphic designers and a great day for people with the gift of sight.

Unfortunately, it means we’ll see more of their traditional jumper, an eyesore that can cause you to go blind if you look at it for too long.

We will probably have to see a lot more of their jumper this year as they seem to have pulled it together ahead of finals.

Alastair Clarkson’s coaching ability is an unfair advantage and he should be rotated around the league as part of the AFL’s equalisation policy.

The same can’t be said of St Kilda who haven’t pulled it together all season. Already the media is talking up the danger Alan Richardson is in.

Richardson probably isn’t too worried, I mean what’s the worst the club can do him?

Have him not coach them anymore? That would be a relief for anyone.

The good news for Saints fans is it’s almost all over and they can enjoy the next few months reading draft previews and wondering how they can get those picks wrong.


Carlton vs Western Bulldogs (ES) 1:10 PM

Jeff Kennett said he was banning the Hawk’s predominantly white clash jumper because white symbolises surrender.

Grey must therefore symbolise being really terrible at footy.

So inept are Carlton at the moment that they can’t even get rid of their grey jumper as their contract with Nike won’t allow them.

Carlton fans loyalty of their club is similar, they are stuck with something awful and can’t get out of it.

Bulldogs fans had the unsettling experience of their team turning in a competent performance against North last week.

That win means come Sunday, the Bulldogs will have won three games in a row.

I shouldn’t say that like it’s a forgone conclusion, but it is a foregone conclusion.

West Coast vs Melbourne (OS) 3:20 PM

Melbourne’s quest to completely destroy the hearts and minds of their fans continues on this week with a trip to Perth.

Can the Demons surprise everyone and pinch a win here and actually make the finals? I suppose it’s technically possible.

Every Demons supporter is hoping that despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the team can beat a top eight side.

While there’s been no sign of that happening, every footy fan knows that hope keeps bubbling up inside you no matter how much you try to suppress it.

That’s why it’s the hope that kills you.

A loss here and Melbourne will then have to beat the Giants the following week, an outcome so terrifying for me that I just ordered several pallets from Dan Murphy’s.

West Coast need to win this to as it will mean a top two finish and those precious home finals.

They also don’t want to be the first top eight team to lose to Melbourne, that would be like Bernard Tomic toughing it out longer than you.

I’m tipping the Eagles.

Adelaide vs North Melbourne (AO) 4:40 PM

North’s loss to the Bulldogs, proved they can lose to anyone and they could definitely do that here.

If they do lose to the Crows then it really is season over, which is a shame, I’ve kind of enjoyed the Kangaroos proving everyone wrong this season.

They’re the team all the big stars rejected so it would be nice to see them make the finals and prove everyone wrong.

Adelaide have turned in one of the weirdest seasons of recent times. The pre-season kidnapping and torture camp, the injuries, Tex Walker getting suspended all the time, Rory Sloane accidentally re-signing. It’s been a hot mess.

Now all Crows fans have to cheer them up is the hope that Port will miss out in even more heartbreaking fashion.

Now, you don’t light your own candle by blowing out someone else’s, but if you don’t have a candle, why not extinguish everyone else’s?

Crows to win this.

Titus has a new live show ‘Manifestly Inadequate’.

They are his traditional bye round tour wrapping up the 2018 season and previewing the finals.

The dates are:

4 August- Hobart

27 August- Canberra

29 August- Perth

31 August- Sydney

1 September- Melbourne

2 September- Adelaide

5 September- Brisbane

Ticket available here:

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. I aim to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here:


Julian's Postie

Aug 17, 2018

In order to mock this column to it's fullest potential, I'll wait til Monday before pointing out which predictions were wrong.

John Nicholls

Aug 17, 2018

Titus as usual is peaking as the finals approach. The shame is he'll be at his very best when the season is over. This is surely a convincing argument for a year-round AFL season, like Dylan's Never Ending Tour. That way, it will take Titus another 30 years before like Dylan he runs out of puff. I'm good for 30 years of non-stop Titus.


Aug 17, 2018

James Riewoldt is nearly 4 years old. Surely he can hold down a spot across half forward by now.

Your souvlaki joke is offensive to vegans and sheep. Keep it up.


Aug 17, 2018

Randomly selected groups of kindergarten children have arguably received more primary votes than Mr Ranning


Aug 17, 2018

I'm delighted at the one year contract offered to Harley Bennell. Freo for the flag next season - what could go wrong?


Aug 17, 2018

I'm delighted at the one year contract offered to Harley Bennell. Freo for the flag next season - what could go wrong?

Bernard Tomic

Aug 17, 2018

I'll have you know that I very much take pride in my quitting ability. I'm a fierce quitter and am proud to be the first ever to quit the celebrity jungle. Nobody can ever take that away from me. Which is probably a good thing... because if it could be taken away from me and someone tried, then I'd probably quit stopping them.


Aug 17, 2018

I believe certain top playets should also be rotated through teams...


Aug 18, 2018

Yay for Erin, so do I......not wwwhy?

Kim jong un

Aug 18, 2018

Me tinkum karlton needs rotation vith tigas sportas both klubs no what tortcha is but not my tortcha. Tis time AFL get brain stop equalise policy not f------ worka. Karlton need Klarko as deh couch sumone who dont smile, me not like seeing smiling looser just smiling winna like me.

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