Sep 24, 2018


The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Finals Week Three


Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Richmond (58) v Collingwood (97)

Not since George Lucas announced, he’d be making the Star Wars prequels has something been so anticipated and so disappointing.

Thirty-eight years after they last met in the finals, this had all the hallmarks of a classic, but instead, it bombed like Craig McLachlan performing stand up on the NRL Footy Show.

This was more a mugging than a game of football, with the Pies making the Tigers look like extras hired for a disaster movie, lots of panicking and running in different directions.

Richmond’s much-respected structure and disciplined seemed a distant memory as the Collingwood side ran all over them with wild abandon.

Jordan De Goey up forward made ‘the greatest fullback in the history of time’ Alex Rance look like someone who isn’t that great when held accountable to one player and not allowed to drift wherever he likes.

Richmond’s woes seemed best highlighted by the fact a guy who hadn’t even heard of the game a few years ago run amok like Wayne Carey on a trip to Miami.

In fact, in response, the Pies supporters started chanting ‘USA, USA’, like we needed another reason to hate Pies fans.

It was a now typical Collingwood performance, quick run, sharp passing and intense pressure. There was even the traditional injury with the Pies now sweating on Jeremey Howe’s fitness for the Grand Final.

The performance was a sweet vindication for the Pies who think no one has believed in them this year, but it’s not that we don’t believe in you, it’s that we don’t want to believe this is happening, like not looking at your bank account after a night out.

The Tigers certainly weren’t helped by Dustin Martin’s injury, but this was a defeat the whole team worked towards.

At least all those Tigers fans that went early on those ‘back to back’ tattoos can simply get ‘almost’ tattooed in front.

Richmond fans simply sat there in shock thinking, ‘this is going to be hard to top for the worst performance in a Preliminary final this weekend’.

It wasn’t.

West Coast (121) v Melbourne (55)

How was your weekend? Mine was one where my worst fears were realised, which happens with alarming regularity to me.

I’d like to be able to say I don’t know how to react to a performance like this, but the problem is I knew exactly how to react.

From the middle of the first quarter to the final siren, I tried to single-handily drink all the alcohol in Optus Stadium, and it would be fair to say I got close.

There’s not a lot of point analysing the game, because there really wasn’t one.

This was a massacre, which sent a convoy of Range Rovers fleeing the stadium seeking sanctuary in Margaret River.

The Eagles were simply magnificent while the Demons were not even present enough to be bad.

West Coast did every single thing right. They were fast, exciting, tough and clinical. It was awful.

It started early on with the Demons deciding slipping over was more important than kicking goals. I’ve been to kids’ roller-skating parties with less falling over.

Who knows why the Demons were so woeful? Being there at the ground, it is a daunting place. For starters it full of Eagles supporters.

It is also the loudest sports stadium I’ve ever been to, and I’ve been to a lot. The noise was like a wave that you could feel hitting you.

Melbourne, after weeks of riding emotion just seemed overwhelmed.

As the second quarter progressed, watching it became the most painful thing I’ve ever sat through, and I saw Meatloaf at the Grand Final live.

How bad did it get? Well, multiple Eagles supporters bought me beer and they were all being really nice.

It was like being at a funeral, and everyone kept offering you their condolences. I’m used to pity, but usually, I have to be on a date to receive as much as I did.

I’ve been to funerals where I’ve cried a lot less.

Thinking about it, I haven’t ever cried as much as I did on Saturday, with the possible exception of watching The Notebook.

During the third quarter, I’d moved to near a bar to be closer to my support network, alcohol.

A police officer approached and asked if I was OK. I told him I’d like to report the assault currently occurring out on the ground. With a straight face, he got out his notebook and started taking down a victim impact statement.

It was simultaneously one of the funniest and worst moments of my life.

In the end, the Eagles should be applauded, this has been a fantastic year for them and, like Collingwood, they have never been given the respect they deserve.

As for my Dees, I’m still proud of them. This season was better than I could have hoped for and just as they have fixed their mistakes along the way this year, they’ll do the same after this.

On a final note, apart from the result, it was great fun in Perth, the Eagles fans were very welcoming, the stadium is stunning, and I met a lot of great footy fans.

Despite the fact my soul hurts at the moment, I still love football.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. I aim to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls.

Find out more here:



Sep 24, 2018

As a West Coast supporter I'm hopeful of a better GF performance than 2015's embarrassment and bracing myself for part 2 of Daniel Chick's "expose" of the same year.

Magpie Mick

Sep 24, 2018

Commiserations Titus. Am somewhat confused though; you have a soul? Who knew?


Sep 24, 2018

As a Richmond supporter, Saturday's Eagles' victory annoyingly meant that I had to stop complaining that the week-off before the finals disadvantaged the top two teams.

Whiskas O’Brien

Sep 24, 2018

Biggest winner for the weekend was the WACA who had a sudden influx of people in Melbourne jumpers just after half time with a sudden interest in the WA v SA JLT Cup match.

Thursday Creek Mob

Sep 24, 2018

From Another demon supporter who managed to miss the entire game by attending multiple 60th Birthday celebrations. Are you failing to declare that the West Australian tourism authourity paid for your trip and game analysis? i have never heard you so magnanimous of the opposition.


Sep 24, 2018

I'm glad you had a good time in Perth.
I actually want visitors to feel welcomed and to like the place.

And this....
'It wasn't'

Once again, great writing.


Sep 24, 2018

Dear Titus, I'm so sorry for your loss. No, really. I am. And not just because, as a Magpies supporter, I can afford to be generous on this particular Monday morning. I'm sorry for your loss because those of us who've had a team since birth, who love our team whether they're clutching the big silver cup or the miserable wooden spoon, who don't diss our coaching staff, who show up week after week with our sauce-stained scarves about our hopeful shoulders ... we understand the pain of watching on as our team gets it mightily in the neck. But, hey, Titus, could you just watch the 'h' word? Hate? You 'hate' Pies supporters? You 'hate' me? But, we've never even met! And, here am I, reading your witty prose each Monday morning and thinking you're a smart bloke that I'd love to have a beer and a chat with. I hear supporters of other teams using the 'h' word, too. They 'hate' the Pies? Seriously? But, who or what do they 'hate', exactly? Okay, Eddie in full flight can be a bit hard to stomach, but only really like an uncle who's had a bit too much to drink on Christmas Day and wants to know if you're a "miwionnaire" yet. But, as for the players, the actual team, what's to hate? Is there a footy fan in the country would wouldn't welcome Scott Pendlebury with loving arms into their club? Steele Sidebottom? Jordan de Goey? One of the hardest things for me is letting players go. I still grieve the loss of my namesake, Daisy Thomas, to Carlton, but I love him still, and I will love Mick Malthouse forever, because true love lasts a lifetime. So, Titus, my request to you: could we have a little bit more love, and a little bit less hate, in your 2019 missives? 'Hate' probably seems funnier, on the surface, but I'm willing to bet that you're a classy enough humorist to do without it. With love, Daisy x


Sep 24, 2018

Only one question - what are you doing at kids' roller-skating parties?


Sep 24, 2018

Holy shite, sheet and crap Titus, I feel your pain, and I'm a Port supporter! Now I don't know who to barrack for in the GF, do I jump on the Eagles because I hate Collingwood, or Collingwood because the Eagles assaulted the Demons and killed our my fave "footy journalists" dream?...sorry Titus I just cant do it, go Eagles.

Eagle Eye

Sep 24, 2018

Unlike most Victorians, Titus must"ve watched the Eagles with both eyes open


Sep 24, 2018

Grand Final day is effectively cancelled for us Freo Fans. It’s either Eddie or the Eagles lifting the cup. Both unbearable.


Sep 24, 2018

Hi Daisy,

Good points and I see/hear where you are coming from. I guess for interstate clubs like my Port (who incidentally are very much hated by anyone other than a Port Power/Port Magpies supporter in SA), there is a "perception" or reality that some Vic based clubs, particularly Collingwood, have advantages relative to a lack of travel, home ground advantage and time slots that interstate Teams do not enjoy. Because of that advantageous treatment, the perception is that the AFL does everything it can to give them a helping hand and an easy path that is clearly unfair to other clubs. I get the message from the AFL about revenue etc to justify what they do for Collingwood, but the facts are simple, clear and validated. So I guess that reality does not sit well with supporters who see Collinwood competing almost exclusively at the MCG in great time slots, when their competition this weekend, would love half the advantages handed to Collingwood, but will never be afforded. The view, at least from interstate non Collingwood supporters, is that they are being handed the big trophy without having fairly earned the right to be there as they have not had endure the same challenges, for example, the Eagles have had to.


Sep 24, 2018

Richmond: Worst performance in a Preliminary final
Melbourne: Hold my cheese platter

Mr Dog

Sep 24, 2018

As a dog I wanted Richmond to lose to prove that all those people who said the 2016 grand final was a fluke were wrong. Thanks collingwood. Now I just need west coast to beat collingwood who I hate because they are collingwood and everyone hates them hi daisy. Anyway I have not followed the football since 2016 so I don't care who wins the flag as long as it is not collingwood. Or richmond. Or GWS those bastards.


Sep 24, 2018

Well said Daisy... Because seriously wots not to love! xox
BTW Go Pies!!

Gideon not Haigh

Sep 24, 2018

Falling over a lot.

Torn tiger

Sep 24, 2018

It wasn’t.

That’s your best for the year. Simple in both its humour and accuracy.


Sep 24, 2018

Eddie is a little bit more than a little hard to stomach. He is fecal waste stacked and sewn into an ill fitting suit. Also that bloke in the gold jacket, give me a break. I was backing the Pies on Friday because the only fans more toxic right now as a unit (not an individual, there is a difference) are Tigers fans. Don't get butt hurt about comedy, Australia is all about cutting down tall poppy's and Collingwood have had enough success in its history that you get to be a punching bag. Its better than being irrelevant like the Saints.

Bloke from the Outer

Sep 24, 2018

I thought I had gotten over how much I hate flogwood supporters but Friday reminded me of why they are detested. Half way through the first quarter we had one peanut slagging off the Richmond supporters with how we didn't deserve to win the premiership last year. Another douche was pointing to the scoreboard 15 minutes in. Then we had the drone and USA chant. It was nice watching them sweat when we got within 3 goals and you could see the whites of their eyes.

I never thought I would say this (ever!); carn the Eagles.

p.s. Daisy, I don't hate the team, they were great on Friday. Big fan of Pendle, De Goey and Treloar et al. Best team won.

Steve G

Sep 24, 2018

Titus I am genuinely sorry for your loss. Eddie.


Sep 24, 2018

At least if West Coast win the Grand Final, their fans will be spewing into the streets of Perth and making a general nuisance of themselves 3,000km away from the rest of us for us to be able to care.


Sep 24, 2018

As an Eagles supporter, as much as I enjoyed every single moment, there was a few moments looking over to the Demons cheer squad and wanting to go hug them. Damn good season by Melbourne and won’t be that long until they’re in a Grand Final.
Meanwhile, there was more animosity towards fellow Eagles supporters in my section from a couple of boring fans who decided they’d sip on their champagne and be the old set of Eagles fans, than getting involved and booing at everything, like the new set of fans.


Sep 24, 2018

A good read and well said you. Truly sorry the dee's and tiges finished like that . They both had a great year no doubt and will be more focussed next year. Now Eagles, finish the job on Sat at the G. Please.

I've got the Blues

Sep 24, 2018

Fair points well made Daisy but as a Carlton supporter, I'll be following A.B.C. in the GF...anyone but Collingwood.
Thanks for your stella work during the year Titus. Is it better to lose hope in the first quarter of a prelim final or back
in round 3 as I did?


Sep 24, 2018

Nice article Daisy.I am a Geelong supporter of more than 60 years.I will back the pies this weekend.I like the way Collingwood do things for the homeless community.Never understood what all the hatred was about.

Kafka’s Ghost

Sep 24, 2018

Very sorry for your loss, Titus.
Beautiful contribution from you, too, Daisy. I also don’t hate any other club or supporter group, and never boo players, who are just doing their best for their team. Umpires on the other hand...,.


Sep 24, 2018

I HATE the pies with a passion


Sep 24, 2018

One hundred percent agree. The game is 'rigged' in favour of a few big Melbourne based clubs. And it's not just interstaters who think this. What about teams like Geelong? They play the home and away series to gain home ground advantage for the finals and then 'forfeit' it to poorer performing clubs based in Melbourne.
And if the AFL were truly national the GF should be in Perth. The Eagles have earned the advantage but 'forfeit' it and Collingwood gains the home ground territory.
That's the unfair part of the 'rigged' AFL that I 'hate'.

Brad A

Sep 24, 2018

The beer I gave you at half time wasn’t out of pity. You looked sad and I couldn’t give you a hug without putting my own beer down, plus it was getting heavy.


Sep 24, 2018

Titus ur so noble! Still hilarious, loved seeing u in Perth and always laugh out loud after reading the Monday knee jerk reaction! Usually on the train home from work, but today we r driving the Nullarbor to see the mighty Eagles take on the Pies!
Thanks for the hilarity and best to the Demons next year

Bruce M

Sep 24, 2018

Are we ever going to have a contest in this finals series? In their losing finals this year the Cats, Swans, Giants, Hawks, Tigers and Demons have kicked a grand total of 6 goals by quarter time and 10 by half time. That’s an average of 1 goal for the first quarter and 1.7 for a half. Fans deserve a 50% refund.


Sep 24, 2018

This wouldn't have been anywhere near as funny if Melbourne had won!
Yeah, not great as a supporter, but so much comedy material.
Daisy can't work out why we all hate Collingwood?
Give me a break.:)
Go Eagles.


Sep 24, 2018

"What about teams like Geelong? They play the home and away series to gain home ground advantage for the finals and then 'forfeit' it to poorer performing clubs based in Melbourne." You mean like to Richmond in the 2017 Qualifying Final? (Says the still-upset Adelaide Crows supporter :( )


Sep 24, 2018

Just want to see big Ed cry.

Marcus Holt

Sep 24, 2018

Never thought I'd say this but, in the age-old conundrum, the choice between the lesser of two evils... Carn the Magpies!


Sep 24, 2018

It’s called satire


Sep 24, 2018

Thankfully the Dees have the company of Richmond for the biggest choke since Chocko at Port Adelaide.


Sep 24, 2018

Can’t stand the thought of Buckley winning a flag in any way. Left a developing team because he was too good for them and went somewhere he could win a flag. And then didn’t. And they won 3 without him and a coup against him. This arrogance is why we hate Collingwood...


Sep 24, 2018

You keep carrying that anger it will eat you up inside....


Sep 24, 2018

Titus - I was there as one of the few Melbourne Bomber supporters. I tried to offer encouragement at 10 goals to 0 by describing my experience last year at the Emerald Hotel last year against the swans. At least we got wiped out in the first quarter.

I was on the wing with my comrades from Melbourne. Sun was hot. RUOK Day was still happening. But I’ve got to say not one Melbourne supporter left before halftime. $1,500 a ticket probably was an incentive though.

I always said you’re a 2019 team


Sep 24, 2018

I’m very glad that daisy straightened us all up....after all, I was all soft and gooey towards Titus (and broke having had to pay for his car parking in Perth-who knew that his Audi had gps AND a Waeco fridge on a slide? Titus Uber-ed off with some chap who has no knowledge of Au Pairs, the role of the modern-day centre half forward or Perth major traffic arteries and took the Cessna home from Jandakot rather than have to face more Eagles fans in the car park ).
I’m just delighted that we played a side that was “fair” and didn’t play a snide, underhanded dirty brand. In so far as honour in defeat it was there on Saturday. As to the team’s performance? Well, they would have had to take their eyes off the Royal Commission into Banking and Insurance for a few hours and concentrate on the small money rather than the Jobs For The Boys situation that the Melbourne fraternity seems concerned about.
Rest easy Titus. They will come good...
As for next Saturday? I’m expecting snide underhanded jumper-punching and fingernails.... and I’m also expecting the players group to be nasty too....not just the Collingwood coaches and assistants!!
Play on and play well!!!
And I’m also envious of anyone doing the Nullarbor drive.....what a great way to work up the enthusiasm!
Unfortunately Titus didn’t leave his Westpac Board Member’s Assistantship Fuel Card in the seat cranny so I could only get the Audi to Glen Forest before the fuel ran out....but i am happy to report that the turbo can sing. At 4900 rpm in 2nd ..... at 90kmh. Left car near Parking Bay in Glen Forest. Gearbox and other bits of transmission in Midland. And Midvale.
Thanks for great year again Titus. Won’t write next week as I am assuming I will either be delirious or mugged.....or both!!


Sep 25, 2018

As an Eagles fan I'm thrilled we're in the grand final and hope to hell we can wipe the smug smirk off the face of all those associated with the pies. Someone posed an interesting but highly unlikely scenario the other day, how would the Victorians cope if we had a grand final between the Eagles and the Dockers. Ha! The conceit they have for non Victorians would explode. As I said, it's a highly unlikely scenario as Freo will still be playing with trainer wheels on well into next decade.


Sep 25, 2018

As a lifelong Collingwood supporter I revel in your hate. You are either with us or against us and I can assure you that we hate you too. Have fun this weekend watching two teams you hate play the game you love.

Keep up the good work Titus. Your scribes make Mondays just a little less painful.

Rob S

Sep 25, 2018

Oh Titus, usually you make me howl with laughter and in small parts of your Pies-Tigers summary you did. But I felt your pain with the Dees. As a Fremantle supporter I am acutely aware of how painful being destroyed by the Eagles can be. Acutely. And chronically. At least you get to fly away, I’m surrounded by their bastard fans 365 days a year. And they’re mostly nice people, but smug, so irritatingly smug, like Hawthorn supporters. Pies or Eagles? Oh God, this is hell week.

Black Swamp Barracker

Sep 25, 2018

I've always wondered why anyone would waste precious energy on hating a football team. Think about why you support the team you do. It's almost always an accident of birth ... like being Australian or Catholic or black. Racism, bigotry - no need for any of it. Use your passion for good instead of evil, I say. Thank you Daisy, and Titus.


Sep 25, 2018

Don't worry the AFL have the umpires to assist that not happening. Just see their performance in the 2016 Prelim to ensure GWS didn't play the Swans in the Grand Final.


Sep 26, 2018

Ohhh Titus. My team never lets me down like this in September. Go the Blues.

Leave a comment

We promise to never share your email with anyone else.