The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Five | Titus O'Reily

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The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Five

Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Port Adelaide (137) v Carlton (47)

I missed the first five minutes of this game, and by the time I arrived at the pub, it was over. At least I only missed five minutes of it, unlike Carlton.

There was a reason the AFL moved Carlton away from Friday nights, but there is no reason for moving them back.

The Blues haven’t been relevant since 1995. That’s a long time. The movie Babe came out that year, and the pig that played it isn’t even with us anymore.

I hope that pig wasn’t a Carlton supporter, dying of old age without seeing the Blues become a powerhouse again. That pig could have lived until 100 and had the same problem I guess.

Blues fans are going to have to have a lot of patience for this young side to be able to progress. Luckily, those around the Carlton Football Club have always been a patient lot. They never look for an expensive shortcut at Carlton.

Against what appeared to be a collection of teenagers, Port Adelaide went off like the nuclear bomb that threatens to derail their China game.

This was a light training run for them, and I mean light.

Western Bulldogs (122) v Brisbane (90)

In case you’d been in a coma or live in Western Sydney, this was Bob Murphy’s 300th game. The Bulldogs seem to play it like an homage to their captain’s career, a struggle, some setbacks, before coming out on top.

If this was their intention, it was some of the best performance art I’ve ever seen. It would also be the only performance art I had ever seen.

Luke Beveridge seems to be giving opponents a head start this year to make things interesting. He’s probably bored of this coaching game after figuring it out so quickly.

In the first half, the Doggies had the class of a Tigerair service to the Gold Coast during schoolies. It was rough, and they were playing like they were drunk.

You got the feeling throughout the whole first half that the Doggies would get it together and get it together they did.

They Lions didn’t score a goal in the third quarter which is not ideal if you have plans to win the game.

Just as the Bulldogs were coming good, the Lions were fatiguing faster than someone watching the seventh hour of the Logies.

The inevitable Bulldogs win overshadowed some very promising signs for the Lions but it was nice to see Bob getting carried off and it had nothing to do with his knee.

Gold Coast (86) v Adelaide (153)

Well, that turnaround at the Suns just got turned around very quickly. This was a truly awful performance, and Rodney Eade should send Nathan Buckley some flowers for distracting the media from the job he’s doing up there.

The Suns were down by 34 points at quarter time, with the Gold Coast players obviously deciding that tackling was not their thing.

It might be time for Tasmania to put their hand up again, although, who would want this team?

The Crows just did whatever they wanted with their direct opponents acting more like caddies than adversaries.

“Let me just stand out of your way so you can get the ball, sir. Perhaps I can suggest kicking it to your unmarked teammate in the goal square?”

Adelaide plays Richmond this week in what is truly the match of the century. Well, the match of round six at least.

Sydney (63) v Greater Western Sydney (105)

The battle of Sydney started with a Swans' blitz that made Giants fans wonder if the returning Swans would make all the difference.

I went to this game and was surprised at how many Giants supporters there were at the game until I realised the majority of the people dressed in orange worked at the stadium.

The Swans’ excellent start, in which they slammed on four goals in the first five minutes turned out to be a false dawn.

Those first five minutes were all we got to see of the Swans as the Giants took control, booting the next nine goals in a row.

Sydney are a strange case this season. Players who have for so long been stars suddenly play like they’re new to the game.

Greater Western Sydney had no such problems, controlling every aspect of the game with an ease that was both impressive and scary.

The only negative for the Giants was Heath Shaw calling Tom Papley a ‘f***ing retard’ at one point.

In fairness to Heath, Papley did have him in a headlock at the time. Not that that makes it OK but in a rare event, Shaw offered an apology that didn’t make it seem like he was blaming others but was sorry for his actions.       

The response was even more interesting, with several commentators, Paul Roos being the most prominent, calling for on-field microphones to be banned. I guess this is the philosophy of ‘If someone calls someone a retard but no microphone heard it, did it really happen?’

Such a silly response. Like the mic picking this up was the problem. Perhaps we should get rid of the cameras too and go back to the good old days of players belting each other behind play.   

Fremantle (67) v North Melbourne (62)

North Melbourne seem to be able to almost beat anyone. In fact, Melbourne and the Kangaroos seem to be having some competition this season to see who can manufacture defeats from winning positions in the most crushing ways possible.

In this one, North Melbourne was up by 29 points in the third quarter and still managed to lose. Earlier in the year, the Dockers would have had trouble scoring 29 points in an entire game.

Now the Dockers seem to be pulling victories out of nowhere and can think about playing finals, something no one predicted just three weeks ago, including Ross Lyon.

For North, it seems the most dangerous position for them to be in, is significantly ahead in the third quarter.

Once the Dockers started coming, the Kangaroos looked more panicked than someone who overhears someone at work detailing and episode of Game of Thrones they haven’t seen yet.

The last time I saw something fall apart so quickly, it was the Soviet Union.

St Kilda (88) v Joel Selwood (126)

I’m not sure why the Saints didn’t come back out on the ground after three-quarter time, but it certainly ruined their chances of winning this one.

Up until three-quarter time, this had been a tight affair, with the Saints often on top.

In fact, during the third quarter, it was only the efforts of Joel Selwood that stopped the Saints from running over Geelong.

So inspiring was the Cats skipper, that even the umpires started cheering him on, with one bewildering free kick leaving Saints fans wondering if they should laugh or cry. They choose to cry.

The issue with playing the Cats is that they have an extra gear they can go to when needed. The extra gear is Dangerfield and Selwood running amok, and while it’s often not sustainable for entire games, it’s like hitting turbo when a game is close.

The Cats now get a week off, with just a light hit out against Collingwood, while the Saints play Hawthorn who have apparently roared back into premiership favouritism with that one win.

Hawthorn (125) v West Coast (75)

Thanks a lot, Eagles. We had a really great thing going, and you ruined it for everyone.

You don’t let a team like Hawthorn get back up. Anyone who’s fought a boss in a video game knows that.

West Coast are arguably the worst ever performer on the MCG, with Meatloaf, the only serious challenger. How a team that can be so impressive at home can then turn in these sought of performances is bewildering.

You could argue Melbourne are the only comparison, with their Etihad record, but Melbourne doesn't play well at home either.

Are the Hawks back? I’m not so sure. The Eagles were truly terrible, so I’d be wary of claims Hawthorn are back in it.

At least, that’s what I’m telling myself as I feel the panic rise within me.

The Eagles now face Fremantle in what is now a very interesting game. Luckily for the Eagles, that’s not at the MCG.

Richmond (88) v Melbourne (75)

This was a terrific game to watch, despite the fact it left me wondering why I allow myself to feel anymore.

But after a solid 48 hours of crying, I can now admit this was a game that was good for both clubs, pulling in 85,657 and putting on a show will help them both in the long term.

For Melbourne though, this was another crushing defeat from a seemingly winning position, although the fact that injuries were against them made it somewhat more palatable.

What wasn’t great is Melbourne’s management of Jack Riewoldt being in great form.

They did nothing different all game despite him keeping the Tigers in it and eventually leading them to victory. Perhaps Goodwin forgot Roos is no longer there and he must make the decisions?

It should also be acknowledged that Jayden Hunt’s brave stand for multi-coloured headbands saw the AFL overturn its ban of the headwear.

Is Hunt a hero? Absolutely, some people fight colour bans others fight for coloured bands; it’s all part of the rich tapestry of human rights advocacy.

For Richmond, an off night suddenly turned into a triumphant one, and Tigers fans know that isn’t usually the case.

The Tigers haven’t played the top teams yet, and they still have question marks over them, but at least they’re getting the jobs done that are put in front of them.

Now they face the Crows, and they have an opportunity to stick it up the critics (which is everyone who’s not a Richmond supporter).

Just think, the bandwagon could have to take even more people on.

Essendon (100) v Collingwood (82)

It’s dark times down at Collingwood, and I just hope they know that we all take no pleasure from it and are right behind them and the direction they are taking the club.

It shouldn’t be all doom and gloom, with youngsters like Daniel Wells showing they are set up for the future, even if they struggle this year.

They should also not be too worried about being run over in the wet by a team that could barely finish games recently.

And they certainly shouldn’t be worried that it’s taken Buckley five years to deliver a side capable of not making finals with more certainty every subsequent year.

Oh, they also shouldn’t worry about the coach throwing the captain under the bus straight after the game.

Things are looking up at Collingwood, the transition was a masterstroke, and any suggestion otherwise should be crushed like the terrible thought crime that it is.

Essendon fans are especially happy with Collingwood’s progress, now that they have finally won an ANZAC Day game again.

The Bombers showed they are slightly more competent than the Pies and the benefit of having a forward line.

Joe Daniher was voted best on ground for sixteen possession and kicking 3.4. Zach Merrett may want to think about dying his hair bright pink if he can’t get noticed for a game like his.

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Lee 26 April 2017

"I went to this game and was surprised at how many Giants supporters there were at the game until I realised the majority of the people dressed in orange worked at the stadium."

Very good.

However, sort* not sought.

GWS Fan aka Mr Unicorn 26 April 2017

Merrett should send any leftover hair dye to Fantasia.

Clive Waterhouse's underpants 26 April 2017

Are North Melbourne the best 0-5 team ever? some tough matches to pick from in round 6, better get the darts out and sharpened.

Jono Clarke 26 April 2017

Probably not even the best 0-5 side this year.

Anonymous 26 April 2017

All non-Collingwood fans are especially happy with Collingwood’s progress. Can't wait for them to play the Blues so the Blues can have two wins this season.

The Original Buzz 26 April 2017

Hopefully Carlton will send a team to play in Adelaide some time soon. That wold be good.

Detlef Bauer 26 April 2017

I may have picked up a typo. I think it should read that Shaw called Papley a fucking r****d.

Mark L 26 April 2017

Curious but Saints ball magnet Gilbert got one free kick less than that underachieving Selwood. Life is so unfair.

Bree McDonald 26 April 2017

Can I just say that I get a LOL from this ridiculous nonsense every week. My favourite this week was the bit about Hunt and and his coloured-bans. Still laughing.

Kevviem 26 April 2017

Very clever stuff. Lol re Collingwood.

Mick Malthouse 26 April 2017

How is that going for you Bucks and Eddie

MarkfromMelbourne 26 April 2017

Don't know about ban the mike move but all this palaver over what is a pretty harmless everyday schoolyard insult is a bit OTT IMHO. What exactly are you allowed to say to your opponent as his trying to push your head in to the turf?

Bonno beotchs 26 April 2017

Excuse me sir ,there's a good chap , I hate to interrupt your rubbing my face in it , but if its not to much trouble , could you see your way clear of removing my moush from the turf, you see I am off grass atm , it leaves me bloated and gaseous . No hurry just when your ready

Bulbous Belly 26 April 2017

Eagles , are a disgrace , Hawthorn deserve to finish last , who wasn't looking forward to the draft with the saints getting their first pick . I want my just deserts ! Or their just deserts !, whatever!

Justin 26 April 2017

I would have suggested Angry Anderson was worse than Meatloaf but that was at Waverly, der

John Nicholls 26 April 2017

I won't be putting my hand up to coach Collingwood.

Pieman. 26 April 2017

You gotta ask, Howe are the Pies going? If you ask Eddie and Bucks their standard answer is we're going Wells. But ask supporters and they'll say we're Moore or less Dunn. Taking a Broomhead to the Cloke room has shown our Cox to be inadequate and unsatisfactory. We need to grab our Goldsack, coz the Mayne issue is the coach is talking out of his Sidebottom, deluding himself whilst it was a game plan to usurp a Shaw fire premiership coach his replacement is having trouble with the Jolly old notion that the buck stops with Bucks and his gameplan. Just going to show all is not Wells that ends Wells.

Anonymous (definitely not Mark Le Cras) 26 April 2017

Shouldn't the highest qualifier host the Grand Final instead of playing it at the MCG?

Balmy's banter 26 April 2017

Is it true Eddie is soon to offer Buck's the highly sort after Director of coaching position?

Balmy's banter 26 April 2017

Is it true Eddie is soon to offer Buck's the highly sort after Director of coaching position?

Colin Woods 29 April 2017

I thought you were going to correct your spelling when you re-sent your comment the second time. Why is sought/sort so hard for people to get right?

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