Aug 28, 2017


The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Twenty Three


Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Hawthorn (99) v Western Bulldogs (90)

In the end, it was great to see Luke Hodge go out with a win after a career so starved of success.

It was a big night for retirements with Bob Murphy and Matthew Boyd also playing their final games.

I know how Hawks and Bulldogs fans felt. When a club champion you’ve grown up watching retires, it’s an emotional time.

I remember Colin Sylvia’s retirement was a tough time for me, but the dinner the club held at KFC honouring him was a nice moment.

Bulldogs fans will head off into the summer hoping this was a one-off hangover year like the Hawks had in 2009.

Hawthorn fans will instead be wondering when this long nightmare will be over. The Hawks have not played finals since 2016 and haven’t won a premiership since 2015!

Talk about a drought. I hope they’re OK.

Collingwood (99) v The most frustrating thing ever invented in the history of time (83)

Some days it dawns on you that you’ve wasted enormous chunks of your life. As a Demons fan, these days come with alarming regularity.

Against a Collingwood side that had little riding on this game, except saving a not very successful coach, the Demons played this with the intensity of the EJ Whitten game.

There is no excuse for what happened. Melbourne had the chance to secure themselves a spot in the finals, and they blew it with a performance as disappointing as it was predictable.

Let’s not forget, the Demons had a chance to play finals last year, only to lose to an awful Carlton side.

The thing that made me most bitter about this performance was it meant I had to effectively barrack for the Dockers and then the Crows to win.

Who puts someone in that situation? Not a friend.

Was this the worst weekend of my life? The thing about Melbourne is they give you so many to choose from.

Did anyone in the world have a worse weekend than Melbourne fans? Well, let’s just say I had people who are living in Syria call me to see if I was OK.

I guess expecting to rush back into finals after just eleven years out was a bit ambitious.

I’m just waiting to see the Brisbane Lions rebuild overtake Melbourne’s in the next few seasons.

One thing you have to give Collingwood credit for is they at least have pride in their club.

They just wanted this more, pure and simple. They would have also been thrilled to discover the Demons decided this was the week to give up tackling.

Brisbane (79) v North Melbourne (130)

This was Brisbane’s first wooden spoon since 1998, and they certainly worked hard for it.

The Lions turned in a performance that showed they were truly worthy of finishing last this season.

The Kangaroos found it relatively easy, with Ben Brown kicking a career-high seven goals.

Brown has 63 goals this season. Not bad for a forward playing for the fifteenth placed side.

In a league where key forwards are worth their weight in gold, how Brown doesn’t get more recognition is amazing. If he played interstate, they’d be stories every day about which Victorian club was going to get him.

For fans of both these sides, the blessed relief of the season being over is some compensation for what has been tough going. Unfortunately, there’s always next year.

Buddy Franklin (138) v Carlton (57)

Buddy Franklin outscored Carlton singlehandedly, kicking 10.2, to the Blues 8.9.

Now, in fairness, if there’s a team you have a chance to outscore singlehandedly, it’s Carlton.

To put Buddy’s performance in perspective, Franklin’s 12 shots at goal was seven more than the entire Gold Coast side had this week.

Have Carlton improved this year? Not in a footballing sense. Off the field, they’ve been less of a shambles I guess.

Carlton fans must be getting sick of this constant not playing finals. If they’d wanted to support an irrelevant team, they would have become Dees supporters.

Sydney now becomes the team no one wants to play in finals. They take on Essendon in week one, and that realisation took some of the shine off the Bombers making their way back to the post season.

Obviously, that trade ban for no reason was not long enough. Best to make it permanent.

Geelong (103) v Greater Western Sydney (59)

While the Suns have used the money the AFL have invested in them to light the biggest bonfire in history; the Giants have at least given an impression of investing it wisely.

This game made that assumption seem a bit premature.

The Giants were terrible. Sure, this was in Geelong, but the ease at which the Cats breezed past the Giants in the third term made predictions that GWS could win the premiership seem fanciful.

Leon Cameron admitted 16 or 17 of his players lost to their opponent. I thought it was higher than that.

That’s not exactly what premierships are based on. Still, it’s 17 more than the Suns players had on the weekend.

The Giants now have to go to Adelaide, which shows that if you don’t work hard, bad things happen.

The Cats face Richmond, which makes this win feel like a winning twice in one weekend.

Port Adelaide (135) v Gold Coast (20)

Twenty points.

You could have played a team of random people from the crowd and scored more than twenty points.

To think the Suns players got paid for this ‘performance’. For two whole quarters, the Suns didn’t score a solitary point.

That’s almost impossible to do. Every week, these players practice playing football, but there was no evidence of that in this game.

Port were made to look like the greatest defensive side in the history of the game.

The bad news for the Power is that with the bye week, they effectively won’t have played a game this week or the next ahead of playing the Eagles.

There’s not a lot of point in analysing the Power’s performance. What impressed me most is they managed to not laugh openly at the Suns during the game and saved that up for behind closed doors.

To think, the AFL have paid about forty million for every shot at goal the Suns took.

Essendon (107) v Fremantle (92)

Here was a neat trick, with their destiny in their own hands, the Bombers grasped the opportunity with both hands. Oh, how stress-free that must feel.

Say what you like about Essendon but that club’s cult like belief in itself, certainly means they fight for every inch.

It wasn’t all easy going, Fremantle teased Melbourne supporters by putting the pressure on in the fourth quarter, but Essendon did a weird thing and stood up to the pressure.

Fremantle have been an odd team this season, at times looking half decent and at others looking like a slow-moving disaster that you can’t tear your eyes away from.

Don’t worry Dockers fans; I’m sure Ross will sort this out over the next five years.

For Essendon, they face Sydney, which is like finding out first prize is spending the night in the Lions’ enclosure at the zoo. Unarmed.

Richmond (122) v St Kilda (81)

Last night, I heard the loudest sound I think I’ve ever heard. Assuming some major piece of infrastructure being built, I stuck my head outside, only to see it was the heavily laden Tigers’ bandwagon making its way through town.

Oh, it is full. And why wouldn’t it be? The Tigers are in the finals and have the chance to get their traditional loss out of the way and then keep going.

In Nick Riewoldt’s final game, the Tigers made sure there was no repeat of their early season debacle against the Saints.

Whatever way you dress it up, the Saints season has not been great, and with Riewoldt leaving, there’s not sign they’ve found someone to replace him.

Tigers fans though will be thrilled to have finished the season off so strongly. They’ve done what no Richmond side has done since 2001, finish in the top four.

While the comedic potential of Richmond going out in straight sets is impossible to measure, the idea of Richmond winning the premiership would be a fitting end to a season so crazy, it should be President of the United States.

Can Richmond beat Geelong? Sure they can. Can they defeat their mental demons? Well, that’s the tricky bit.

West Coast (100) v Adelaide (71)

I can’t believe the Crows rested Talia and Walker with Melbourne’s season on the line.

Actually, I was more surprised with how hard the Crows tried when this meant nothing to them. I’m sure Eagles fans thought the same, as they bobbed in and out of the eight in the finals minutes.

In the end, the Eagles deserved to make finals, because they took an opportunity that was presented to them, while others did not.

Adelaide played not particularly well but still got closer than they really should have, they will go into their final against the Giants with every confidence they can get that job done.

West Coast gets to play Port Adelaide, and that’s certainly not the worst match up you can get in these finals.

The Eagles may have scraped in by the skin of their teeth, but a win against Port would suddenly make this season not seem the disappointment it’s been at times.

The finals are here, and none of us knows what is going to happen, and weirdly, I still love football despite its best efforts to stop me doing so.

I'm touring my new show 'Insufficient Intent' around the country. Come see me in the bye weekend before the finals. Brisbane date just added: All the details are available here.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. My aim is to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here:



Aug 28, 2017

I must admit, I was watching this game and thinking of you Titus. I couldn't stop smirking. I think even a little bit of wee came out, but its getting harder to tell if that was just normal or not.

Andrew J Taylor

Aug 28, 2017

So Melbouney!


Aug 28, 2017

Regretably, your last five weeks singing the praises of Collingwood holding on to Buckley after the season was done and dusted came home to roost this weekend. On the positive side, Melbourne secured 9th postion off its own bat, in true Richmond style. Feel sympathy for us Tiges supporters who now have to endure another two weeks of the AFL season.


Aug 28, 2017

"Did anyone in the world have a worse weekend than Melbourne fans? Well, let’s just say I had people who are living in Syria call me to see if I was OK."...hilarious


Aug 28, 2017

Hugs, Titus.


Aug 28, 2017

So is Fagan reviewing the situation?


Aug 28, 2017

Melbourne sacrificed a spot in the finals so that Buckley could continue coaching. How noble!


Aug 28, 2017

Well you got the last laugh. We've got Buckley for another two years.

Hawthorn drought

Aug 28, 2017

It's truly tough... but the Hawthorn social media team is trying to break the drought by making Hawks fans teary all last week with tributes to Hodgey and then on Sunday a surprise tribute to Sam Mitchell narrated by Al Clarkson (then the Eagles made it to the finals and messed it up).

John Nicholls

Aug 28, 2017

Melbourne are the new Richmond. Go hard for Richmond in the finals, Titus. They will find a spot for you on the bandwagon. When they win the flag, you will know Melbourne can do it, too. Why am I trying to make you feel better? And, more's the point, why am I hoping for a Richmond premiership? Oh, another thing, a great season from you, Titus. Many thanks.


Aug 28, 2017

Bloody hell. I forgot about the bye. Make that three weeks!


Aug 28, 2017

Speaking of comedic value, did u hear Bucks got reappointed for 2 years? Not an entirely wasted season Titus


Aug 28, 2017

Mate disturbing news just to hand of the AFL's decision to abandon the bounce, and have the ball dropped from a specially-built drone starting in season 2018. As much as I admire Gil McLachlan's leadership and applaud the recent innovations to our game - use of elastic measuring devices that provide umpires with a 15m+ determination even if the kick was only 5m being a standout, I think the whole "Ban the Bounce" movement was given undeserved momentum, mainly by bored commentators, and should have been referred to the LNP's plebiscite committee at least. What say you?

The Ghost of Mark Neeld

Aug 28, 2017


James Magner & Cale Morton

Aug 28, 2017

See I told you they should never of delisted us


Aug 28, 2017

This is quite possibly one of your best lines ever:
"While the comedic potential of Richmond going out in straight sets is impossible to measure, the idea of Richmond winning the premiership would be a fitting end to a season so crazy, it should be President of the United States." Solid Gold!

Butcher Mackelby

Aug 28, 2017

It's difficult to feel for the smashed avo set, Titus. Nonetheless, I was moved by the mournful tone of your column which was flatter than a week old portogaff. I have little doubt you were weeping as you wrote. Stay strong.


Aug 28, 2017

Sooo long demons...oh the pain!
However our players (haha) do fulfill their media and comedy (badly)commitments ...ahead of their day job!!

Give em a break...they're busy!

Michael N-S

Aug 28, 2017

Titus, our families sympathy & thoughts are with you. Would you like us to bring a giant tennis racket to the Sydney show to help cheer you up?


Aug 28, 2017


The Big E

Aug 28, 2017

Most clubs have motivational posters or comments (Teamwork, etc) plastered around their change rooms so players have them front of mind as they run out ot play. Bearing that in mind, was it a mistake for you to go into the Melbourne rooms before the game and put your tour posters up?

Colin Sylvia

Aug 28, 2017

Thanks for the shout out..... I'm still in great nick if the Dees need me.


Aug 28, 2017

Thanks for a wonderful season full of pathos and week long chuckles at some of your Bolt and Essendon and this week's Syrian touch. Hale to the Titus!!
Am looking forward to WCE lasting a full week into the Finals yet despondent that they couldn't feed our full forward a bagful of goals in yesterday's thriller to secure the goal-posturing Medallion.
Bearded men don't win titles. Unless it's Dictatorships...unless they're North Korean in which case the Dictator wants a bearding visage yet are genetically incapable. I think....high school was so long ago and they hadn't invented Genetics then.
Am looking forward to seeing you at the Tasmanian Round's Bellerive version of Perth theatre - The Octagon. Built at UWA during a mysterious social consciousness boom (WA cowboy architects built a four sided internal structure but charged for 8 sides....traditional WA economic dogma) on the Saturday night.
No pressure intended BUT traveling 3hrs from the country and staying at an overpriced hotel just for this show. On the strength of your strong season/s and finding the ONLY AFL summary that makes me experience intense joy akin to The Rules Committee getting a new Idea - daily.
No wilting like a Melbourne team impersonating Richmond....please?
Thanks again Titus for another fantastic year....I'd give you a hug but I have to find a KFC somewhere so that our town can give a fitting send-off to.... the Roadworks team that has been visiting. Sigh.


Aug 28, 2017

Leave out your cheeseboards


Aug 28, 2017

Titus I need advice on how to handle the constant heckling i'm receiving from almost everyone I know (and a lot of Collingwood supporters I don't). It's getting to me and I don't know who else to turn to. I'm too scared to go onto social media or leave my office in-case I snap. What do I do and who do I turn to, even Richmond supporters are driving the boot in, why us?


Aug 28, 2017

Sam Mitchell moved to Perth because he wanted to keep playing finals

Captain Schadenfreude

Aug 28, 2017

'comedic potential of Richmond going out in straight sets is impossible to measure' .... best yet

Bill Shorten

Aug 28, 2017

Why isn't there any footy this week Titus? Oh, that's right - 2 failed coaches rested half their teams before the finals a couple of years ago. It doesn't work, so nobody else does it and the teams coached by these clowns didn't get close to playing finals this year. That's why there's no footy this weekend, which is a disadvantage to the teams that earned top 4 spots. That makes sense.

Vic Parkes

Aug 28, 2017

Titus, you disappoint me. I didn't know you were American. There's no such thing as 'post-season' matches for Essendon or anyone else. In Australia it's roster matches and finals. The post-season is called 'October'.


Aug 28, 2017

"In Australia it's roster matches..." since when? Never heard that term used for the home and away season in my life


Aug 28, 2017

No, the post season is called Mad Monday

Jennifer Waugh

Aug 28, 2017

Buckley keeps his job. The most nonsensical game on the planet.


Aug 28, 2017

In Memoriam, gold.

Rick Kane

Aug 28, 2017

Hawks will tough out the lean year and be stronger for having fallen so far, so hard. Thank you Titus, for your sensitivity to our dark moment and your belief that we will rise again. I'm tearing up.


Aug 28, 2017

Bucks singed up for another 2 years!
However your team went this year, appreciate the amazing effort that all other clubs made to ensure that the pies had another shit year, but not shitty enough to lose the basket case coach. well done to all involved!

Gunga Din

Aug 28, 2017

The irony of Richmond bowing out in a fortnights time to a team that started 0-6 is solid gold Titus............


Aug 28, 2017

The disappointment of failing to dish off the wooden spoon to the Roos was tempered a tiny bit by imaging the look of joy on the face of the number 1 draft pick as he realises where he has to go to start his AFL career.


Aug 28, 2017

Why not you? Refer to the Book of Job, Old Testament, Bible. Its a laugh a minute.


Aug 28, 2017

I hope he stays for many years yet. As the last coaching of the great Bucks-Hirdy-Vossy trio he is the final tenuous link to our glory years. In true post-Lethal Lions style, we of course managed to let Vossy go just as the team was finally starting to look good. But even that little fiasco pales in comparison with Hirdy's unforgettable stint as Bombers head honcho.

Mac hawk

Aug 28, 2017

I think your deep sense of unworthiness infected your whole team..... you should come over to the dark side. Here at Hawthorn we are full of optimism and see all manner of golden linings in the season when we generously gave a few of the others a go.


Aug 29, 2017

Great description Titus about Melbourne. As a supporter for 40 years i have been through this crap time and time again, hope the players say to themselves we are not going on holidays during the pre-season we need to owe our supporters something for their continued support next year. Had enough of the crap inconsistency, the excuses, the pretending, the smart arse talk and blogs, the television performances and smugness. Melbourne players get with it because frankly like TITUS i have had enough of it.


Aug 29, 2017

Well said Colin.

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