Aug 27, 2018


The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Twenty Three


Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Port Adelaide (89) v Essendon (111)

Port Adelaide put the cherry on top of their disastrous second half of the season with a performance that made you think Essendon were the ones with the chance to make finals.

It was all academic anyway considering the Cats belted the Gold Coast the next day, but Port fans would have left disappointed at the endeavour from their players.

But that’s not a new feeling for them.

The Bombers simply smashed the Power early on, motivated by the fact this was the final scene in Brendon Goddard’s long-awaited movie.

I thought Goddard’s movie probably went on a bit long but the bit with the pretzels, with Dyson Heppell’s scene-stealing part, was top notch.

Overall, I thought the movie lacked a central point though.

Both these sides will look at 2018 with a sense of regret. Essendon will look to 2019 with excitement, however, while Port will look forward not sure what’s the way ahead.

Geelong (142) v Gold Coast (40)

Geelong used the final round to conduct some light drills and sign autographs, much to the delight of the home crowd.

Even the Suns’ players seemed excited to see some real AFL players up close.

Given the Cats beat a woeful Fremantle last week, by the time they play Melbourne in the first week of finals, it will have been almost a month since they faced an AFL side.

Gold Coast finished the season an irrelevant rung on the bottom of the ladder. Only Carlton’s historically painful season stopped them securing the wooden spoon.

It capped off a year they were booted out of their home ground by the Commonwealth Games.

Like the Gold Coast Commonwealth Games closing ceremony, the Suns’ season was light on athletes.

Geelong will look forward to finals while the Suns will look forward to wasting the generous support the AFL pours into them.

Richmond (98) v Western Bulldogs (95)

There was a moment of panic that swept across the MCG when it dawned on Richmond fans that they could lose and finish as low as first on the ladder.

The Bulldogs, who have not troubled anyone this year, except their fans, suddenly turned in a performance that wound the clock all the way back to 2016.

So impressive were the Doggies that they led for a lot of this and had a chance to win when Brad Lynch had a difficult shot with less than a minute to go but missed.

Bulldogs fans spent the day caught between excitement and wondering where this has been all season.

Richmond fans spent it remembering those dark days when the Tigers could lose on the MCG.

Now the Tigers face off against Hawthorn which is going to be great. I love finals; it’s the best time of the year, even better than National Frozen Food Month (it’s March before you Google).

Fremantle (67) v Collingwood (76)

Following last week’s embarrassing performance, the Dockers decided to at least try this week and who knew that trying could produce much better results?

I’m thinking of even trying it in my own life.

After an amazing season, the Pies were suddenly looking at losing to Fremantle. The Collingwood players may tolerate a medical team that make Scrubs look like a serious medical drama, but they don’t lose to Fremantle, so they steadied with Brody Mihocek kicking a couple of goals.

“Who is Brody Mihocek” many of you ask. Don’t worry; it seems most AFL scouts didn’t know who he was either.

It was a great win for the Pies, the only downside being Sam Murray wasn’t there to help with the celebrations.

The victory has locked in a game for the Pies at Optus Oval, but unfortunately, it will be against the good Western Australian side.

Fremantle will be glad to draw a line through 2018, and they should consider doing that for 2019 too.

Carlton (61) v Adelaide (165)

It may have been Round 23, but Carlton still gave it their all in this one, almost losing by less than 100 points.

In a beautiful ceremony before the game, the Blues unveiled their 2018 wooden spoon, celebrating a season of mediocrity and embarrassing moments.

Carlton skipper Marc Murphy was present with the spoon by Peter Dutton, the perfect choice for an award the symbolises spectacularly stuffing something up beyond belief.

As Dutton passed the spoon to Murphy, Murphy dropped it, and they bumped heads as they both bent down to pick it up.

Adelaide took out all their frustration and anger that built up over this season out on the Blues, let’s hope it was very therapeutic for them.

The Crows problems aren’t over yet, with the company they sacked following their disastrous pre-season camp, Collective Mind, announcing they will hold a media conference which they say is to ‘clear the air’ on the pre-season camp.

Spoiler alert, it will not clear the air.

Sydney (74) v Hawthorn (83)

This was a classic, with both teams giving it their all and the biggest star in the game, Razor Ray Chamberlain, taking centre stage.

With the game on the line, good old Razor called the most pointless goal review in the history of time.

The kick had been so obviously touched that everyone within a ten-kilometre radius knew it was touched and I’m pretty confident Ray did too, but you don’t build a brand without some TV time.

You could see his excitement as the camera’s focused on him. He looked like a kid who’d just figured out the passcode on the iPad.

Hawthorn winning close games, playing finals, it’s like life has returned to normal. Except, they play Richmond in the finals, and the Tigers are favourites.

Sydney was without Luke Parker and Buddy Franklin but was right in this, and despite the loss, they will face the Giants at the SCG in week one of finals.

I’m not sure you should be allowed to play finals if you lost to the Gold Coast Suns during the season, but there seems to be nothing in the rules preventing it.

Where’s the AFL on that rule change huh? Silence.

Brisbane (72) v West Coast (98)

Despite a few wobbles along the way, the Eagles have locked in second place, a great result considering they had to overcome many media types not picking them to play finals at all.

Robert Walls tipped the Dockers to play finals and the Eagles to miss, which fits my life philosophy that you should always do the opposite of whatever Robert Walls says.

The Eagles weren’t troubled by the Lions, who all season have been decent, without winning much.

Brisbane fans end the season with hope for the future and a deep appreciation that they are not Suns supporters.

Eagles supporters look forward to a home final, not being Dockers supporters and to Melbourne journalists questioning their culture with eight-page wrap arounds and stories that lead the news that are over ten years old.

Melbourne (102) v Greater Western Sydney (57)

Coming back from Perth and with a lifetime of disappointment in my memory, I was not confident of a Melbourne victory, but like most things in life, I was completely wrong.

The main question I came away with from this game was ‘what the hell is wrong with the Giants’.

They certainly didn’t look like a finals side in this one, and considering Melbourne were down two players for a lot of this and looked like that had twice as many men on the field you had to wonder what was going on.

Melbourne were great; they played like a side that beats the top eight sides on a regular basis.

As the finals-bound Demons slammed on the goals, the MCC was so happy you’d have though Turnbull’s corporate tax cuts had just got up.

The Giants managed not only to lose but throw in some light comedy along the way, such as Jeremy Cameron handballing to Zac Langdon who was almost next to him, with no one around and missing by a fair margin.

The Giants have a few players to return for finals, and they’ll need them based on this. The idea they are a threat to Richmond on the MCG seemed very distant.

Melbourne fans know have to grapple with securing finals tickets, which involves making sure their MCC membership is paid up.

St Kilda (94) v North Melbourne (117)

Who cares?

Titus has a new live show ‘Manifestly Inadequate’and new dates to announce.

They are his traditional bye round tour wrapping up the 2018 season and previewing the finals.

The dates are:

4 August- Hobart

27 August- Canberra

29 August- Perth

31 August- Sydney

1 September- Melbourne

2 September- Adelaide

5 September- Brisbane

Ticket available here:

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. I aim to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls.

Find out more here:



Aug 26, 2018

"who cares?" - no one, no one at all.

Definitely not Gordon Ramsay

Aug 26, 2018

Meh, the way I cook, every month is frozen food month


Aug 26, 2018

StK v NM what do you mean who cares. Who freakin cares about Carlton or Gold Coast. People care, I care, about NMFC and so we need to acknowledge the great win yesterday that vaulted us all the eay to..... oh yeah, 9th.
Farewell Waitey

Go cats

Aug 26, 2018

Looking forward to Geelong's third successive 100+ point win.

Gordon Ramsey

Aug 27, 2018

National Frozen Food Month!!!
F@cking stupid f@cking American douche bags!!! F@ck!!!


Aug 27, 2018

Great one Titus

Bloke from the Outer

Aug 27, 2018

Go cats. You trying to write comedy too?

Bloke from the Outer

Aug 27, 2018


Farmer Lade Hogg

Aug 27, 2018

Remember the good old days when Richmond lost a final to a team that didn’t even qualify for the finals?

I miss those days.


Aug 27, 2018

Collective Mind to make a statement to clear the air. It has only taken 7 months to come up with some Bullshyte spin I suppose.


Aug 27, 2018

Such a shining light on a Monday. Already getting jittery that the end of the season is nigh & the absence of the Titus Epistle turning up in my Inbox is imminent.
That line re Sam Murray not being around to help the Pies' with their celebrations, so very very clever.

Ben Stratton's Other Mullet

Aug 27, 2018

Titus I was going to comment that your observations here were 'razor-like', but I worried you might not take it as a compliment.


Aug 27, 2018

Ninth Melbourne?

Boris Yeltsin

Aug 27, 2018

Thanks for calling out "Razor Ray", Titus. The over-umpiring almost ruined that Hawks/Swans game. I just cringe when the commentators talk about this guy as if he has some kind of significant place in the game. He's just a self-indulgent little twerp. He's not even a decent umpire.


Aug 27, 2018

I care. Go Roos. 12-10 win/loss, two players in AA squad, good season overall.


Aug 27, 2018

Pretty impressive Titus given that you've got five shows this week to prepare for, including one tonight in Canboring (although the Viking Clap thing they do at the Raiders rugby league ground is undeniably not boring). I hope it's gonna be fresh, all-new ridiculous nonsense at the shows! looking forward to the SYD one ...

Fresh is Best

Aug 27, 2018

Well, bugger me! National Frozen Food Month is in March! You learn something new every day.


Aug 27, 2018

Thank you for caring as well Andrews.

Daniel B

Aug 27, 2018

I googled it!

Razor Ray for PM

Aug 27, 2018

Razor Ray to dominate the finals series is my tip...he finished the year on a high and will surely thrive in September. Would love to see BT interviewing him in the rooms after the big games.


Aug 27, 2018

I figured out the next word in the sequence
Daryl Duncan Die


Aug 28, 2018

Tell him he's dreamin....

Bloke from the Outer

Aug 29, 2018

' should always do the opposite of whatever Robert Walls says.'

Richmond must have also followed your mantra in 1997 - Walls told them to win and they kept losing.

Titus your knowledge knows no bounds.

F^*k Geelong

Sep 16, 2018

Yeah? How’d that end up working out for ya?


Aug 16, 2019

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