When I was a kid, my father spent several months building a bomb shelter in our backyard.

I remember him waking us all in the middle of the night and rushing us down to the shelter as part of a practice drill, often several times a night.

I’d like to say it was because of the threat of Communism, as it would make a really great start to this column, but it was actually because my father was completely bonkers.

This week, some of the largest soccer teams in the world are in Melbourne for the International Champions Cup.

Teams such as Real Madrid, Manchester City and Roma.

Here’s the terrifying thing, it's hosted at the MCG, during the AFL season!

We might as well give up Aussie Rules straight away. Forget democracy, too.

The only possible response to this is mindless hysteria.

Just like Communism once threatened our way of life, the rise of soccer threatens to destroy everything we hold dear.

In Melbourne, you are really only allowed to like AFL and cricket.

This is based on rigorous modern science, which teaches us the human mind can’t like two winter sports at once.

We need to be careful about letting the soccer grow any bigger. Already they're re-educating people to call it ‘football.’

In Europe, soccer has led to a continent-wide financial meltdown, in South America it’s resulted in some of the worst inequality in the world has seen and it’s trapped the people of Africa in an endless cycle of poverty.

Here, it’s already got to the stage where dozens of people watch the A-League, sometimes.

The AFL is right to be upset about the MCG hosting these games.

We don’t need a corrupt sport interrupting our great game, which has never, ever had dodgy backroom deals.